Talk me out of being petty

[BawBags]

Got a CFer on my hands. DD(13)'s friends mum.
DD is good friends with a girl (let's call her Betty) and has been for about 10 years. The thing is, despite living just 2 streets away, DD has never been allowed in Betty's house. Her mum just doesn't like letting any of her kid's friends in. When Betty needs to go in for something like a coat or her sleepover things, the friends have to wait outside the door not matter what the weather is like. The mum isn't agoraphobic or anything like that, the house isn't crazy sterile nor disgustingly filthy at all. It's just... normal. (I've seen it). There is no reason - according to Betty, except that her mum doesn't like kids in.

The mum is more than happy to send Betty round here or other friends houses and makes sure with Betty that she's inside and not roaming round the streets on the wintery nights.
Betty's slept over here probably every month and sometimes a few days on the trot over holidays. I drive the girls around places and don't think anything of it but I got pretty annoyed the other day.
I'd dropped both girls off in the next village at another friends house for a sleepover on Saturday and when I spoke to DD the following day to see when and how they were getting back, she told me she'd be getting a bus back all alone as Betty's mum was picking Betty up after she had said she didn't fancy getting the bus. So instead of her getting both girls, I had the pleasure of driving past Betty and her mum heading back here as I went to pick DD up myself.

Now I know it's petty as fuck but I really want to say that it's high time Betty's mum sucked the fuck up and reciprocated or I'll be driving my own child around and Betty can make her own way everywhere. I've lost count of the number of times I've picked them up from school to save them the walk in the rain but Betty's mum will happily drive away with Betty in the car leaving my DD in the rain to walk.

DH was angry the other day after DD got soaked waiting outside Betty's while she packed a sleepover bag and he's said we should do the same from now on. Betty can wait outside our house too. It's petty and I won't do it but AIBU to daydream about having the balls to do it and to say why too?

It's petty and I won't do it but AIBU to daydream about having the balls to do it and to say why too?

I've already said I won't leave Betty standing outside my house. It's rude and not fair. BUT, if the girls need a ride home I will be happy to make Betty's mum pick up Betty and I'll get DD. (Unless Betty's mum cant do it and I will totally cave like the mug I am)

Even if Betty's mum did have some issue about people coming into the house (which I don't believe), what would the excuse be for her not giving OP's daughter a lift?

Ahh this would seriously piss me off, especially the last bit, about her picking her kid up but won't get yours..

I don't think its being petty either. I would be asking wtf is up at this stage.

Not sure about refusing to do anything for Betty, as its not her fault her mother is (or seems to be) a selfish lazy twat! Plus, if its no extra work then of course I would take friends too..takes a bit of a cunt not to really.

I wouldn't mind the no invite as there are 100000 reasons why. But the not picking up is absolutely awful and I would have to say something. I would text " Over the years I have happily taken your DD to lots of activities and had her over many times. I'm really shocked that you didn't give my DD a lift home on X night and left her to get a bus. From now on I won't be taking your child for lifts as it obviously isn't a reciprocal arrangement."

To offer a different perspective, I have OCD and I'm terrified of being responsible for other peoples children. One part of me does realise that it's not rational, but my anxiety is a very loud voice and it's hard for me to overcome that.

To give an example, my son has just been invited over for his first play date where he'll be visiting alone without me. I know that I have to reciprocate at some point - and I will, I'm determined - but it scares the crap out of me to be honest.

Having experienced all of that, I can understand why someone would be afraid to have responsibility for another child, even if it's just on a car ride home or them standing in my hallway for five minutes.

It's possible that Betty's Mum is in a similar position and she just can't cope.

That all being said, I still believe that other people shouldn't have to put up with my mental health issues. I think that if Betty's Mum is taking advantage of you, you absolutely shouldn't have to put up with that. It's unfortunate for Betty of course, but a line has to be drawn somewhere.

I do think she is taking the piss with the amount of sleep overs you've had. I wouldn't dare rack that many up without reciprocating in some way.

Poor Betty, it’s not her fault her mum is a bitch

So it sounds like betty's mum picks Betty up etc. Just not other kids. So stop picking Betty up, don't drop her places. Make Betty's mums life harder. And Betty was a rude bitch for leaving your dd on her own.

I wouldn't want my child to be left walking home in the rain.
I wouldn't want my child to be friends with Betty.
Im not so bothered about her not being invited into Bettys home.
I would have it out with the CF mother.

Betty isn't shy or afraid of her mum at all.
You don't know that OP. Especially as, presumably, you rarely see them interact & have never seen them at home together.

In fact she's a bit of a teen gobshite
Which may be in response to some dark stuff at home - again, you don't know this. Don't, please, take your understandable frustration out on Betty.

Betty's mum might have issues.
Or she might just be a mean selfish bitch.

Either way, I can't believe your DH's instant reaction was to punish the child, rather than at least attempt to reason with the mother. YABU to daydream about "having the balls" to do it. It doesn't take balls to be mean to a child. Why not have the balls to face up to the mother, instead?

Even if it gets you nowhere, at least you will have made your stand, & then know where you stand. Likely the mother will knock you back. Will you still want to exclude Betty when she does? Poor kid. I get your frustration at the unfairness - especially the 'no lift' slight to your DD - don't you feel that Betty has already been punished enough by being forced to live with her mother's lack of social graces?

Sounds like she's just a garden variety rude, using CFer. Sounds like 'Betty' might be going the same way if she's a gobby teen but won't stand up to her mother and leaves her mate stood out in the rain rather than invite her in because she lives there, too.

Fucking hell @stormciarathegale, way to go with the victim-blaming of a 13 year old girl.
A girl who has lived, for 13 years, with the fallout of either a mum who has serious anxiety/ depression/social stress issues, OR, as seems more likely, a mother who is simply a selfish fucker.

Do you also tell DV victims that it's their own fault for not 'standing up' to ther abusers, or rape victims that they should have 'stood up' to their attacker?
I can assure you, a 13 year old child who is dealing with awful & socially embarrassing problems at home will already have been thoroughly groomed in how NOT to stand up to her mother, & the consequences of attempting to do so.
Betty has as much chance of 'standing up to' her mother as does a DV or rape victim. Whether on behalf of her friends left out in the rain, or for herself.

Stop inviting her round and eventually she will have no choice other than to invite friends to her house if she doesn't wish to be excluded.

@TiddlestheCat, what makes you imagine that Betty's mum will care about Betty's new-found social exclusion?
Why are you focused on punishing the child for her mother's ills or selfishness?

I'm with you husband! ... Looking back I don't think my dad should have continued giving lifts!

So you now feel the girl you described as your friend should have been punished for her mother's rudeness, @Hypergear?

How is that fair, or proportionate, or kind?

Also Betty is a crap friend that she left your dd and took the lift

No she isn't.
Bettys been conditioned by her mother's rudeness for 13 years, & would likely have copped it if she had sided with her friend over her mother.

Don't, please, take your understandable frustration out on Betty

Why is being excluded from lifts something the OP's DD has to suck up, but when applied to Betty it's 'punishment' or 'taking out your frustrations on her'? If it's so unbearable surely it is so for both girls?

If Betty’s mum has 4+ kids, an active social life and a busy job then she’s just blanket banned kids coming into her house/sleepovers/driving around. When she said “all and sundry “ she didn’t just mean your daughter she meant all of her kids friends and potential friends.
If she drives Betty’s friend then she’s liable to drive Frank’s friend , or have johnnys mates over , or get grilled as to why Sarah’s friend couldn’t come in for a coke etc
Making kids stand out in the rain or not driving them back when you’re driving that way anyway is a dick move but she probably just came up with the rule because even if it made sense to do it for Betty , Sarah’s friend lives 20 minutes away so she would never be willing to drive her home.
She can’t let Johnny’s friends in because they’ll start messing around - and so on.
She could potentially have sleepover requests every weekend and if she likes going out then that’s just not possible so it’s easier to say no to everyone regardless of their situation

Dcf I drove past you the other day when you'd collected Betty. I was upset that, after having her over countless times and driving them both to places, that you'd leave my dd behind. I was also very upset that dd stood waiting outside your house in the rain whilst your dd packed a bag to stay at ours. Wouldn't it have been hospitable to at least let her stand in the hall. I feel supporting this friendship is very one sided And wondered would you like to share sleepovers and lifts from now on or just take our own children places?"

This! Send this.

It sounds like you are being asked to be taken advantage of. I just stop inviting around for a few sleepovers. You don't have to be a permanent thing but equally if she wants to let your daughter go home on the bus on her own while she gets a lift in The Cosy warm with her mum. I think she's old enough to know that's not ok.

Why is being excluded from lifts something the OP's DD has to suck up, but when applied to Betty it's 'punishment' or 'taking out your frustrations on her'? If it's so unbearable surely it is so for both girls?

How does punishing Betty, & by doing so effectively removing her friendship from OP's DD, justify the hurt caused to DD by Betty's mother?

You are conflating my reasonable wish not to see Betty punished, or a friendship curtailed, with wishing OP's DD to "suck it up." You also seem to think that visiting the same lack of care or consideration on Betty as has been shown by her mother to DD will somehow fix it for DD. It won't. Two wrongs, in this case, will make yet another wrong. Why should either girl lose out on seeing the other one just because of one mother's unacceptable behaviour?

There are other ways to help DD see that Betty's mum is out of order.
I so wish that several PP's had paid more attention to @SillyLittleBiscuit's post instead of their own revenge fantasies:
My best mate’s mum was like Betty's. We both knew it and my friend was embarrassed a lot of the time. I love that my mum never made her feel weird or unwelcome

There are other ways to help DD see that Betty's mum is out of order

So what are they? Do any of them involve telling Betty's mum that she's not treated the DD well? And will any of them stop the OP's DD from being treated that way in the future?

So what are they?
Words, & the example of continuing to behave kindly to a friend, despite the friend's relative's behaviour.

Do any of them involve telling Betty's mum that she's not treated the DD well?
Oh, definitely & I don't know why OP has not yet done so. Whatever the outcome, she''ll likely feel less frustrated once she has.

And will any of them stop the OP's DD from being treated that way in the future?
Unlikely, see 'continue to behave kindly', above.
It's a harsh lesson, but at 13 one DD will benefit from - some people are dicks, & in some cases, it's ok to rise above that dickishness so as not to affect an innocent friend.

Bawbags - it's really unlikely that anything you say will penetrate the CF'ery of Betty's mum, so all you can do is adjust your own reaction to it, & ensure that as long as DD wants to remain friends with Betty, she is able to do so.

It's galling, but you can at least look forward to the satisfaction of telling Betty's mum what a selfish twat she was for leaving your DD behind as she sailed off with her own daughter in the car. I'd bet money that you could rip into her as hard as you wished without affecting her desire to continue using you as a convenient childminder.

I wouldn't pick Betty up anymore. Call me petty but leaving my child in the rain will not be rewarded. If mum won't be driving ll and sundry she can get up and pick up her little darling like you had to - I wouldn't be offering a lift. Not a chance in hell

What does your daughter say about it all? Being left out in the rain? Left to walk home alone etc?

I would definitely text the mum.

Why wait? She’s treated your daughter appallingly!

Texting her now is absolutely right.

Simply start off by saying something like “I’ve had a chance to take the time to cool down about this so I can address it calmly and rationally.”

I’d then probably say “You left my daughter high and dry the other day taking your own dd. I have had your dd over every few weeks, picking up and dropping her whenever required and you do this? I can’t accept this at all, it’s so utterly cruel and cold of you. Despite all of our genuine kindness towards Betty and indeed to you, You’ve never made my dd welcome, never reciprocated in anything and now this is the final straw, something had to be said.”

I would stop the lifts.People have to learn its a favour you are doing them.

@messolini9
Why should my dad (same as OP) have kept going out their way to give someone lifts when it isn't being reciprocated EVER? It's a favour giving someone a lift, so by not doing it your simply no longer doing a favour. Totally reasonable.

I have a parenting style that is at odds with many of my DCs friends' families. I don't accept that I am "wrong" and would happily justify my approach. DCs friends' parents can choose to accept the way things are in my house and allow their children to visit or they can keep them at home. I, for my part, am happy to allow DCs to go to other peoples homes, knowing that they will be doing things their own way too. So you have 3 choices:

1 - Accept that Betty's mum does not do things your way. Each to their own.
2 - Refuse to permit the friendship based on these unequal terms
3 - Argue with Betty's mum and try to convince her to conform to your standards