Talk me out of being petty

[BawBags]

Got a CFer on my hands. DD(13)'s friends mum.
DD is good friends with a girl (let's call her Betty) and has been for about 10 years. The thing is, despite living just 2 streets away, DD has never been allowed in Betty's house. Her mum just doesn't like letting any of her kid's friends in. When Betty needs to go in for something like a coat or her sleepover things, the friends have to wait outside the door not matter what the weather is like. The mum isn't agoraphobic or anything like that, the house isn't crazy sterile nor disgustingly filthy at all. It's just... normal. (I've seen it). There is no reason - according to Betty, except that her mum doesn't like kids in.

The mum is more than happy to send Betty round here or other friends houses and makes sure with Betty that she's inside and not roaming round the streets on the wintery nights.
Betty's slept over here probably every month and sometimes a few days on the trot over holidays. I drive the girls around places and don't think anything of it but I got pretty annoyed the other day.
I'd dropped both girls off in the next village at another friends house for a sleepover on Saturday and when I spoke to DD the following day to see when and how they were getting back, she told me she'd be getting a bus back all alone as Betty's mum was picking Betty up after she had said she didn't fancy getting the bus. So instead of her getting both girls, I had the pleasure of driving past Betty and her mum heading back here as I went to pick DD up myself.

Now I know it's petty as fuck but I really want to say that it's high time Betty's mum sucked the fuck up and reciprocated or I'll be driving my own child around and Betty can make her own way everywhere. I've lost count of the number of times I've picked them up from school to save them the walk in the rain but Betty's mum will happily drive away with Betty in the car leaving my DD in the rain to walk.

DH was angry the other day after DD got soaked waiting outside Betty's while she packed a sleepover bag and he's said we should do the same from now on. Betty can wait outside our house too. It's petty and I won't do it but AIBU to daydream about having the balls to do it and to say why too?

I have lived in an "OCD house" where visitors would have caused extreme anxiety, rituals etc. It would have looked entirely "normal" if seen by a brief visitor, passer-by.

This is MN, Baw, all behaviour, no matter how shit, can be explained away as anxiety, OCD, some other MH condition. No one is just a dickhead.

"Dcf I drove past you the other day when you'd collected Betty. I was upset that, after having her over countless times and driving them both to places, that you'd leave my dd behind. I was also very upset that dd stood waiting outside your house in the rain whilst your dd packed a bag to stay at ours. Wouldn't it have been hospitable to at least let her stand in the hall. I feel supporting this friendship is very one sided And wondered would you like to share sleepovers and lifts from now on or just take our own children places?"

This! With bells on.

Why do people always insist that poor mental health be considered where ridiculous rudeness is displayed? Some people really are pig rude.

OP,

1. I wouldn't allow for my daughter to be treated like that, and you say it's going on for years.

I wouldn't put up with her making my child stand out in the rain. I wouldn't be doing lifts.

1. I wouldn't allow myself to be treated like that for years.

1. I wouldn't put up with a "gobby" friend in my house.

I would encourage your daughter to engage more with other friends.

She sees you as a mug and is treating you as such.

I'm with your husband.
The absolute cheek of her to leave your daughter to get the bus.

It's not a good example to set for your daughter.

If it ever happens again that Betty is picked up but DD is left I will be sending the mum a message at the very least.

Is that it?

Just text and say ‘Hi BettyMum, I was really disappointed last [Friday] when you picked up [Betty] but left DD in the rain. Given the numerous times I’ve picked up and dropped off [Betty] and the many nights she has spent at our house, I thought you would have offered her a lift. It seems like you would prefer not to do reciprocal lifts and that’s fine, I’ll bear this in mind in future.’

I would not be able to keep a lid on this at all and I’m amazed youve not blown already!!

I wouldn’t be waiting for it to happen again, I’d be pulling her up now! That’s disgusting behaviour.
I would be thinking the same as your DH about leaving Betty at the door but it’s not nice and you don’t want to be stooping to her level.
I’d be livid.

Betty's DD is catching the CFer bug herself it seems. I'd not be having a gobby kid in my house, either.

And no I'd not be waiting till next time, either. I'd have cut this off long ago. It's not funny to be mugged off and sets a bad example to your DD on what kind of treatment to put up with.

Hi. I had a Mum a bit like Betty’s. It mainly was because she was ashamed at our shabby house, also she had mental health problems and didn’t like other people being in her space, even though she was polite and friendly to their face. I know that sometimes she came off as stand-offish. I would be really embarrassed about it, and gutted if it impacted on my friendships. It may be that she has mental health issues that you are unaware of. It’s difficult to discern without further information, but it is a consideration. She may also just be really selfish and thoughtless and this behavior is unlikely to change.

If the CF mum has four kids then in a way I get why she doesn't want to have sleepovers or give lifts because if she allows one child then she has to allow all and it could be constant lifts and kids in her house, so maybe she has a blanket rule of none to stop arguments. However, making your Dd stand out in the rain while Betty packed a bag is just downright horrid and I'd be pulling her up for things like that.

I'd want to question it too - how bloody cheeky! If you have the mum's number I would send the text above.

I wouldn't make Betty stand outside, though. It isn't her fault. I would ban her from the house if she is rude to you, as she has control over that.

Like the way not wanting your DD to be left to walk home alone or left in the rain is 'petty'. As @TiddlestheCat said, be petty. You need to be.

As @stormciarathegale said, this will lead your DD to think unfairness is normal and she should expect to put up with it at others' expense.

Let’s call her Betty

Let’s not.

Another vote for the 'why wait?' brigade.

This has been going on for years and I would definitely be asking now why she picked up her own dd and left yours to make her own way home, and why she chose to let your dd stand outside in pouring rain while Betty packed a bag to stay at yours.

Cheeky fucker doesn't come into it. She's inconsiderate and rude and you've been allowing her to take advantage of your good nature for years.

Oh sorry, when I said typical teen gobshite I meant to her mum, not me. She's fairly polite at ours. She's not a bad kid. A bit of a naughty one (always has been) with not doing as she's told such as running off as a youngster with her mum but again, it's not been something I needed to worry about.

DD acts ever so slightly ruder with Betty around but she's 13 and after I give her a "What the fuck did you dare to say to me?" look she reins it in straight away.

Oh I'd be rolling up my sleeves & singing

Damn right.. especially for leaving my daughter to get a fucking bus... whilst she drives her own daughter home

What does your dd think OP?

I'd be inclined to stipulate before giving a lift that you'll give a lift there, but Betty's mum needs to be collecting both girls afterwards

And just tell your dd not to wait outside Betty's, if Betty needs to go in for something then dd can just come straight home and wait for Betty to arrive.

When I was a teenager I had a friend (she's still my friend actually) that wasn't allowed any of her friends into the house. We were never told why but we had to wait outside by the gate and not allowed any further. When we were 18 her Mum and Dad split up, it was a very nasty break up and her Mum went off the rails. All of a sudden we were in the house every weekend partying with her Mum, sleeping over, baby sitting her younger siblings. The house was beautiful so I had no idea why we weren't allowed in. It later transpired that her Mum was being emotionally and physically abused by her Dad and the reason my friend was never allowed friends over was because if her Dad returned home and anything was 'out of place' or 'messy' she would get a beating. So it was just easier for her to not allow her children to have friends round.

Message the mum, I would.

Thanks for your insights. I never really thought about DD being mugged off before. It was just the way things were and we have always shrugged it off as her just being a funny cow and a bit rude.

I'm one of those mums who has a house like a youth club. My kid's friends always popping by, a safe place for little children with skinned knees to come to from the park to get a plaster (of course I know the kids). I'm often driving kids around, dropping them home if it's raining etc, especially as not all the other mums drive and I've never really minded much but it was just made that bit more clear and obvious that's this was a complete pisstake at the weekend.

Are you sure the dd isn’t using her mother as an excuse as to why your daughter can’t come in
Perhaps embarrassed about something?

No because it's the same with her other kids. One I don't know as he's much older but the other two are friendly with my youngest two as they happen to be in the same years in school. Although they don't socialise much these days my youngest DD never got in the house either.

I also had a mum like betty’s and was very embarrassed about it. I always tried to be a good guest in other people’s homes though (very polite and helped out etc). I would’ve been so sad if a friend’s parent had used my mum’s behaviour against me as I hated it too and had no control over it.

Please don’t take your feelings out on Betty, it’s not her fault.

To be honest, I don't think you've left it too late to ask and it will save you running Betty around for months waiting for the right opportunity to ask what on earth her problem is. I couldn't imagine leaving a child to get the bus if I'm running my own child home which is right by theirs. Has anyone else ever called her on this behaviour?