DH driving me mad - AIBU?

[ncagainforfeb]

DH and I have been arguing a lot recently - we’re both going through stressful times in our jobs and have both been guilty of “bringing work home” and taking it out on each other. On top of that, I’m 28 weeks pregnant and am feeling more emotional and up and down than usual.

So anyway, tonight we sat down together to watch a TV programme that we both wanted to see. Two minutes in there was a crucial scene (somebody died!) and I glance over at DH to find he’s scrolling through his phone.

I asked him what he was doing and he said he was reading a synopsis of the show. I pointed out that he’d just missed a crucial bloody scene and he snapped at me, calling me controlling.

All I wanted was to watch a nice bit of TV together at the end of a hard week, maybe discuss it afterwards and enjoy the experience as a couple - not me watch it with him next to me scrolling through his phone. Why can’t he just watch the TV and put his phone down like everybody else?

Anyway, the argument escalated to him calling me a fascist so I left the room and have gone up to bed. AIBU?!

YANBU op. It's sad that this is the way of the world. You have chosen a joint activity to do together as a couple, and he has chosen not to be present with you. People are actively choosing not to be present with their partners or family now, choosing a smartphone instead. It is not controlling to want to enjoy an activity with your partner and for them to be physically and mentally present.

Perhaps it was a difference in expectation. You expected quality time experiencing it together, he expected to do whatever he felt like, and that includes looking on his phone. You were at odds with what you were expecting from each other and the experience?

@atomicblonde30 not at all

I genuinely don't see the problem with someone playing on their phone while watching TV.

I don’t think this is about the phone, you’re both stressed and maybe just need to have a chat and agree to be kinder to each other. If he’s generally decent, let him scroll. In fact you should count yourself lucky, last night my partner tried to talk to me during call the midwife. The horror!

OP, I'm going to say you are being unreasonable. My mother would always nag me about being on my phone when watching TV as a family... It made me want to leave as it's not relaxing to have someone just nag you.

He's trying to relax. It doesn't matter if he's on his phone and it's not up to you to have a go at him. I think an apology would be in place.

But I also think this isn't about the TV, it's about a lack of quality time together maybe? I'm really bad for being on my phone so trying to limit it and do more things like board games, just talking, playing chess, etc.

Maybe agree on an activity you can do together without phones/computers allowed? After the initial anxiety of having no screens it's actually really nice and relaxing.

I don't think you're unreasonable to want some time with your partner and for it to just be you and him, without distractions or screens. However I don't think TV falls into that category.

I'm sure you can figure it out. Sounds like you both just need an honest conversation with each other. Good luck OP!

I cried when somebody took a chicken nugget off me when I was pregnant with DC1 , pregnancy hormones are a killer. I think you were BU but you’re pregnant and probably knackered so it’s understandable.

I don’t see how watching tv is any better than being on your phone

I could understand if you were having a conversation, but if he misses something that’s his problem.

Have you thought about couples counselling? Have you had a frank discussion about how you feel?

I find it hard just to sit and watch tv, I always need to be doing something else too... making something or sometimes scrolling my phone. Just because you wanted to solely watch the tv doesn't mean he did, he was sitting with you rather than off doing something else. Sorry it is a bit controlling and I do think you were being a bit U

With DP it’s usually napping rather than phones. That drives me mad!! Especially when it’s something I’ve already seen and he’ll say “oh I haven’t seen it yet  “ so I’m like “ok I don’t mind seeing it again” and within 5 minutes he’s asleep and I’m stuck underneath him with the tv remote on his other side so I have to sit and rewatch it on my own . Driving me wild just thinking about it!!

Why on Earth don't you just turn it over rather than sitting there martyr like and seething. It can't be comfortable to be 'stuck underneath' a sleeping man anyway so move or ask a dc to pass the control

I get it OP - I do feel this way sometimes when my OH has wanted to put on an episode of something we're watching together and then he sits there on his phone. It's annoying but I don't say anything as it pisses me off so much when he says it to me!

I think it's a minor annoyance and you've probably overreacted on this occasion, but it sounds like you're having a rough time with your relationship at the moment so you've snapped at this.

Maybe try going out for dinner or something instead of watching a show? That way at least you're chatting together.

YANBU. He’d actually suggested watching the show, and you wanted him to be physically and mentally present to enjoy something together and presumably discuss it afterwards. Instead he can’t manage two minutes before the phone is out.

It’s different if it’s something like a reality show, or something only one of you wants to watch. But if DH and I are watching something together, we put our phones down until it’s finished so we can focus on it.

I do laugh at some of the TV threads on here where people are posting while watching a show, then ask what happened because they’ve missed a vital moment! The first iPhone came out in 2007 - how did all these people who have to be on their phones while watching tv manage before then?

The TV watching in this case is not a solitary experience, it was supposed to be enhanced by the two going through the same emotions together. His failure to concentrate did diminish her enjoyment.

See, this to me just seems bizarre.

I have the TV on now. I'm also messing about on MN and I've just had a conversation with a client to book a job in for later in the week. I can't stand just sitting there staring at the TV - it's why I rarely bother with the cinema either!

If you're sitting and watching the programme, why does it matter what your partner is doing?

Op given the multiple times you have posted about your DH and all the awful things he does
Can I just ask
Why are you still with him?
If he genuinely is as terrible as you have claimed over a myriad of threads
Surely it would be best to LTB

I genuinely don't see the problem with someone playing on their phone while watching TV

Well again that’s not what I said is it @adaline. I said the TV is a red herring and the real problem is that they agreed to do something nice together and he decided after two minutes he’d had enough of that, that must be quite frustrating when you’re already worrying distant from you spouse while pregnant.

If you aren’t meaning to be ignorant then I apologise but honestly you are being ignorant. What I’ve written is very clear.

@ncagainforfeb pregnancy hormones are absolutely crazy! So for what seems like an extreme reaction to something minor I really do understand, I once chucked every piece of crockery in the house away when pregnant because they smelt unclean why don’t you go to the cinema with him this weekend? Or a board game cafe?

If you aren’t meaning to be ignorant then I apologise but honestly you are being ignorant. What I’ve written is very clear.

I don't think there's any need to call me ignorant. We clearly just have a difference of opinion.

DH and I often agree to watch a movie or something together, and we'll both be on our phones or something at the same time. We still manage to talk about the movie, cuddle and be together without staring solely at the television screen.

If this happened to me I wouldn't be offended. DH is an adult and can choose what he does while a movie is on - he doesn't need me to tell him off because I don't agree with his choices!

If the OP has other problems in their relationship then she needs to address those separately.

YABU

this is a cause of constant argument with me and DH. He, male, cannot multi task and to watch something has to stare obsessively at the screen.

Me, female, can multi task. he accuses me of not watching it and often pauses it to "test" me on what just happened. He gets pissed that I can always tell him.

I can't just sit and watch TV - have to be doing something else as well - does not mean I'm not enjoying the experience of watching it with him.

@ncagainforfeb I hear you and I would find that really annoying. Why can't he just watch the bloody TV. There is nothing to gain from reading the synopsis on the phone instead of watching the programme. However, I think you just have to suck it up as long as h doesn't start asking you what happened.

My Dad is someone else who cannot watch TV without playing with his Ipad. I will only watch things that I don't want to watch with him and leave the good stuff to watch by myself. He insists on recording everything so that he can skip adverts and parts he's not interested in, rewind and catch the bits he didn't catch because he was too busy mansplaining/playing wordbrain on his Ipad. and can pause it to go to the toilet/make a drink wander round the house doing random crap that can wait until later.

It REALLY fucks me off when my DP gets on my arse about using my phone when we are watching TV together. I am no more or less spending time with him looking at one screen instead of the other.
He will literally pause a show (that he was watching and that I was happily listening to).

@adaline it’s ignorant to twist my words to suit yourself, twice now you’ve gotten what I said wrong. I simply pointed out I know what I wrote and it’s pretty simple to check yourself. That’s incredibly ignorant not to mention irritating. Though I suspect this is because like you said you have a differing opinion and seem to think yours is right.

I don’t think the OP is coming back.

Have you ever considered you are driving him mad ? I have been married 39 years , we didn't make it this far by being so petty ...ok we both probably have been petty at times , but we don't drag it out and ask random strangers to give us the answer we want

Its perfectly normal to have times when you probably hate each other , but don't go looking for others to validate your feelings
If you are getting so worked up about a tv programme how on you going to cope when something serious crops up ?

I'm just leaving this here as an ideal Valentine's Day card for those who think YABU...

I'm actually team YANBU but it's not about the TV, it's the relationship. If DH and I sit down to watch something we always "watch together" hyperventilates at the thought of new Narcos series its fucking rude to be on your phone. We do put the subtitles on so we can talk over it in a what the fuck is he doing in the plane type thing and still see what's going on. Or it could be a new film we both want to see. It's a sociable activity for the two of us and we look forward to it. Phones are rude in the way going to the cinema and scrolling would be. But we don't get much time together and this is a "treat" we look forward. Fuck me we are sad . But for usual TV watching we aren't too arsed about, we feel free to use phones/iPads/sewing etc at the same time.

But it's not about the TV. We have a good relationship and can say "get off your fucking phone" and we will laugh. In a bad relationship this is going to lead to WW3, of course it is.

I'm just going on this thread alone and it sounds as though the underlying problems are the actual issue, the TV v phone fight, is a symptom. You need to address the underlying issue and the symptoms will get better. It sounds as the issues are serious enough for for some counselling maybe?

PS ignore people who say you're being a twat. Show me someone who has never lost perspective in a stressful situation and I'll show you a liar. You're aware enough of the problem to be asking the question which is a good sign.

I think some people here are being dicks to be honest. You’re really worried about your marriage AND pregnant, you’re probably desperately trying to reconnect with your husband.
This wasn’t meant to be just a normal night of sitting in front of the tv whilst being on your phones, you actually wanted to engage in and watch something together, try to have some quality time together. That’s perfectly reasonable. Him not engaging in the way you’d imagined annoyed you, and whilst I do fully understand why and it would annoy me too, was he maybe unaware that you had this expectation? If there is a chance he didn’t, the problem was just communication.

Maybe trying going out for dinner instead, or the cinema?

What a ridiculous thing to argue about. YABU.

I hate the majority of the stuff my wife watches and won't sit through it. If she wants to watch "her" stuff, I bugger off upstairs.

I'm not a great TV watcher, if I'm here on my own, I'll scroll through the channels, but I can take it or leave it. As for films? Urggh!! I can't sit for that long watching the bloody thing. I'm struggling to think when the last time I watched film was.