Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH driving me mad - AIBU?

139 replies

ncagainforfeb · 09/02/2020 21:54

DH and I have been arguing a lot recently - we’re both going through stressful times in our jobs and have both been guilty of “bringing work home” and taking it out on each other. On top of that, I’m 28 weeks pregnant and am feeling more emotional and up and down than usual.

So anyway, tonight we sat down together to watch a TV programme that we both wanted to see. Two minutes in there was a crucial scene (somebody died!) and I glance over at DH to find he’s scrolling through his phone.

I asked him what he was doing and he said he was reading a synopsis of the show. I pointed out that he’d just missed a crucial bloody scene and he snapped at me, calling me controlling.

All I wanted was to watch a nice bit of TV together at the end of a hard week, maybe discuss it afterwards and enjoy the experience as a couple - not me watch it with him next to me scrolling through his phone. Why can’t he just watch the TV and put his phone down like everybody else?

Anyway, the argument escalated to him calling me a fascist so I left the room and have gone up to bed. AIBU?!

OP posts:
wheretonow123 · 09/02/2020 22:47

Sorry, don't mean to go hard on you. At least you are asking the question and willing to look at what you have done.

RUSU92 · 09/02/2020 22:49

@Shamazing yes it was written after the first page of replies which were overwhelmingly against OP, but by the time I posted it was a bit more balanced!

Original poster
ncagainforfeb · 09/02/2020 22:50

Sometimes we sit down to watch something together and one of us doesn't particularly enjoy it.

We were only two minutes into the show, so I’m not sure how he could have come to that conclusion already. And he was the one who spotted it in the TV guide and said we should watch it.

Try and rest up as much as you can and maybe try a tonic to support you through these working weeks.

The only tonic I fancy right now is one with a double shot of gin in it - not an option when I’m 28w pregnant!

OP posts:
PineappleCocktail · 09/02/2020 22:53

I find it helps when you're in a rocky patch to change your thinking. Instead of thinking about all the things that he does that annoy you, think about all the things you do that annoy him. Are you the perfect partner or are you hard to live with too? The only way to change his behaviour is to change your own first. And it sounds like you need to, that was a ridiculous over reaction and being pregnant isn't an excuse to be like that. Try to let a few things go, try to give a bit more, swallow your pride and be the one to do it first and you should see him respond in kind. This isn't a male/female thing by the way, anyone with a female partner reading this with similar problems the same advice applies.

hertfordshiremum1984 · 09/02/2020 22:56

I disagree with most of the answers here.

You've sat down to watch something together - to me it's the same as having a meal together, it wouldn't be acceptable for him to be on his phone then.

You might have overreacted a little bit but that's probably the pregnancy hormones.

hertfordshiremum1984 · 09/02/2020 22:57

What I mean to say is - it was right for you to tell him to get off his phone but maybe not to completely lose your shit over it.

Original poster
ncagainforfeb · 09/02/2020 22:57

Thanks @PineappleCocktail - that’s really helpful advice. No, I am by no means the perfect partner! This thread has helped me get things in perspective at least.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 09/02/2020 23:00

YABU
I never "just" sit and watch TV. Usually I MN. Often I check my e-mails. Occasionally I sew, knit or even get some cards out an play patience. I would not be impressed by dh telling me I was watching TV wrong Hmm

Shamazing · 09/02/2020 23:00

We were only two minutes into the show, so I’m not sure how he could have come to that conclusion already. And he was the one who spotted it in the TV guide and said we should watch it.

But does it really matter? You're still together, it sounds like you were looking for an argument. You can spend time looking for stuff to be pissed off about or you can look for things to be positive about. Don't use your energy up on petty shit.

Shamazing · 09/02/2020 23:03

What I mean to say is - it was right for you to tell him to get off his phone

Is it really right to 'tell' another adult that? Should the ask permission to go to the toilet too or make a cup of tea?

Original poster
ncagainforfeb · 09/02/2020 23:03

You can spend time looking for stuff to be pissed off about or you can look for things to be positive about.

Yeah, I’m really struggling with the second one at the moment. I just feel so damn stressed and at the end of my tether most of the time!

OP posts:
bluebirdsong · 09/02/2020 23:06

I agree with you OP, if we’re watching that kind of programme neither of us would be on our phones.

earsup · 09/02/2020 23:09

I find people on phones to be annoying anywhere and any time...I think you expected some quality time together and it didn't happen.

hertfordshiremum1984 · 09/02/2020 23:10

@Shamazing But they are spending time together. I think it's a bit rude of the OP's DH. I watch a lot of tv with my dh and we don't spend time on our phones and like to talking about the programme after it's ended. Maybe I can't multitask but if I was on my phone I'd miss most of the programme! I think it's sad that so many of us spend time together but aren't really together if that makes sense.

Mycatwontstopstaring · 09/02/2020 23:13

Everyone plays with their phone while watching tv.

It was weird to snap at him about it. Maybe try to chill out a bit.

Pregnancy (and parenthood!) is hard on relationships. Learn now not to boss each other around and you’ll be much happier. Heads up: most men are initially crap at parenting and drive the mum nuts. For your relationship to survive you’ll need to get a whole lot more forgiving!

SunshineAngel · 09/02/2020 23:15

When I'm watching TV shows I often Google actors to see where I recognise them from. It pisses my partner off when I'm on my phone because I miss things, and I think he just wants us to enjoy the show together - but it's my choice (as it is your DH's) to go on their phone while watching a show.

I can understand if you're trying to talk to him or spend quality time with him, but if you'd just be sat in silence, what does it matter?

violetbunny · 09/02/2020 23:19

Surely the whole point of watching it was to relax. Unless you were having some kind of a designated "date night in" and it was clear you wanted quality time with no phones, I think YABU. You're both having a tough time at work, let the poor man have some down time Confused

lemontreebird · 09/02/2020 23:21

Everyone plays with their phone while watching tv.

No. No they don't.

If dh and I sit down to watch TV, we watch TV.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/02/2020 23:33

I don't care what DH does when we're watching TV as long as he has the sound off on his phone/laptop and doesn't throw me any spoilers. But what he does that makes me want to throttle him is that he'll be farting around on his phone, then look up at a the telly and say "What just happened?". ARRRGGGHHH!!!

Just WATCH the bloody show if you want to know what's happening!!!!

But yes, YABU if he's just playing on his phone. That doesn't disrupt the show.

VenusTiger · 09/02/2020 23:35

I understand @ncagainforfeb it's about 2 things for me, one, the experience (watching and enjoying together) and two, we hardly have the tv on in our house - literally once or twice a night - so we're online alot more now instead. I've tried subtly asking "did you see that? Shall I rewind it" but most of the time I dont bother now - perceptions are totally different anyway, so his experience will always be different to mine.

The first paragraph of your OP is something I suggest you saying to your husband tbh.

Warmfirechocolate · 09/02/2020 23:40

YABU

But you are both stressed. Cut him slack. But cut yourself some slack too.

So I’d apologise and you will likely find that he understands your POV even more if you come at it softly like this. Say that maybe once every two weeks you’d like to really go spend time, with no phones, for dinner out or at home. But that otherwise it really doesn’t matter.

ZombieFan · 09/02/2020 23:41

You are just being controlling. Watching TV whilst looking at a 2nd screen is perfectly normal thing to do. You were together physically, you were enjoying watching the TV and he was enjoying looking at phone reading about the TV show. Why do need to control what he thinks and force what you 'enjoy' thinking about onto someone else.

Would it have been better if he was staring at the TV eyes glazed over thinking about something else?

cdtaylornats · 09/02/2020 23:41

Watching TV together is irritating unless you are completely compatible and just sit there in silence.

Annoyances watching together include

arguments over what to watch
one of you saying what's happening or giving their interpretation of the plot.
the "oh look it's that guy from 'casualty'"

marns · 09/02/2020 23:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MashedSpud · 09/02/2020 23:49

If it’s something you’ve both arranged to watch together then yanbu.

If it’s just regular tv then yabu because it may not be his cup of tea.

When DH and I watch a movie or series together he might look at the reviews on his phone when it starts but then we both don’t use phones/iPads etc during it.