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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH driving me mad - AIBU?

139 replies

ncagainforfeb · 09/02/2020 21:54

DH and I have been arguing a lot recently - we’re both going through stressful times in our jobs and have both been guilty of “bringing work home” and taking it out on each other. On top of that, I’m 28 weeks pregnant and am feeling more emotional and up and down than usual.

So anyway, tonight we sat down together to watch a TV programme that we both wanted to see. Two minutes in there was a crucial scene (somebody died!) and I glance over at DH to find he’s scrolling through his phone.

I asked him what he was doing and he said he was reading a synopsis of the show. I pointed out that he’d just missed a crucial bloody scene and he snapped at me, calling me controlling.

All I wanted was to watch a nice bit of TV together at the end of a hard week, maybe discuss it afterwards and enjoy the experience as a couple - not me watch it with him next to me scrolling through his phone. Why can’t he just watch the TV and put his phone down like everybody else?

Anyway, the argument escalated to him calling me a fascist so I left the room and have gone up to bed. AIBU?!

OP posts:
AutumnRose1 · 09/02/2020 22:21

Pale Horse?

Regardless, it’s up to him how he watches tv. If you want a “put phones away” hour you need to say so.

I’m single but friends tell me modern marriage is about sitting on the same sofa scrolling through your phones! 😂

FirmlyRooted · 09/02/2020 22:22

I hate just sitting down and watching, find it incredibly frustrating. In another life I might have knitted or done needlework or wood carving but in this day and age i use my phone. If i cant multitask and keep my hands busy i go stir crazy! But, importantly, i still enjoy watching the show or movie.

You need to apologise, it comes across as extremely controlling to demand your DH sits there and does nothing but stare at the TV. Sorry!

CumbriaLove · 09/02/2020 22:22

I have to admit I hated it when my ex husband did what you did. I found it so controlling. It's not like watching tv is a particularly interactive experience, what does it matter that he was scrolling through his phone? Admittedly I'm looking at it through my own experiences and there was far more to it than that, but my gut reaction is that YABU

Littlewelshridinghood · 09/02/2020 22:22

YABU OP. I go on my phone to read the synopsis sometimes.

TechnicalSergeantGarp · 09/02/2020 22:23

We have phones off rule when we sit down together. The rest of the time scrolling is fine but if we watch a film or program as a family or when oh and I sit down at night = no screens.

Catchuptv · 09/02/2020 22:28

I'm guilty of this when watching I'm a Celebrity - I like to see everyone's opinions.

Original poster
ncagainforfeb · 09/02/2020 22:29

I’m single but friends tell me modern marriage is about sitting on the same sofa scrolling through your phones!

Haha. I just don’t get the point of watching a TV drama or film together if one of you is glued to their phone. Do people go to the cinema and scroll through their phones while the film’s on? Or is that different because you’ve paid for a ticket?

OP posts:
Original poster
ncagainforfeb · 09/02/2020 22:30

I'm guilty of this when watching I'm a Celebrity

Again that wouldn’t bother me as it’s not exactly difficult to pick up what’s going on if you zone out for 10 minutes. But a TV drama or film is different.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 09/02/2020 22:32

I guess the point is you're together, as in in the same space, possibly cuddling up, but both chilling out how you each prefer to. One persons way of relaxing doesn't trump the others.

FridgeOffal · 09/02/2020 22:33

You do sound like you behaved like a controlling twat.

He wasn't reading Facebook or mumsnet he was catching up with the show you were watching. Unfortunate that he missed tge death in the process but that's something to laugh at and say "Oh typical lol" not have a fucking argument over.

Who was to blame for escalating it? Who cares, it sounds like you both then escalated instead of calming the fuck down and carrying on watching the film.

Shamazing · 09/02/2020 22:34

Honestly? I think you were way out of order to be honest. He's a grown man, if he misses a 'crucial scene' because he picked up his phone then that's his problem. You can't really think it's ok to tell him when he's allowed to look at his phone? I never have my phone downstairs if I'm watching Tv but DH does, I wouldn't dream of telling him he wasn't 'allowed' it just because we were both watching the same programme. He's a grown man and you are not his mother.

BootyMcBootFace · 09/02/2020 22:35

Nope, I'm with you op. If you've decided to watch something together you both engage with it. Ignoring what you've both decided to watch to look at something else is rude in my opinion

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 09/02/2020 22:35

If you can't pick up what's happened in a TV drama because you've looked at your phone for a few minutes there's something wrong. This isn't about tonight this is about the fact you think your relationship is on the rocks and you're pregnant, stressful.

MysweetAudrina · 09/02/2020 22:37

I never watch tv without scrolling through my phone. I can do both effortlessly. Not like tv is that taxing on the brain. Anyway tv is hardly spending quality time together.

FamBae · 09/02/2020 22:38

YANBU but I don't think there's much you can do about it. My husband is exactly the same and like you it really irritates me but it's his evening and chill time also so I don't say anything, he even has the cheek to argue with me about the plot ffs when I'm the only one fully watching the show/movie lol

Shamazing · 09/02/2020 22:40

Ignoring what you've both decided to watch to look at something else is rude in my opinion

Sometimes we sit down to watch something together and one of us doesn't particularly enjoy it. I would expect DH to say 'this isn't for me, I'm off to ....... whatever. I certainly wouldn't expect him to sit like a good boy and watch it with me. But we kind of like each other and appreciate that it's ok to do something else sometimes.

billy1966 · 09/02/2020 22:41

Poor OP,
I'm going to give you a big fat pass because you are pregnant and if ye are irritating each other you might be catastrophising your relationship.

It's not easy being pregnant and working.
Tiredness can be a killer.

Unfortunately you were being a TV bossy boots..... I think if your DH wants to be on the phone while he's watching something that really is his call.

Try and rest up as much as you can and maybe try a tonic to support you through these working weeks.

Mind yourself 💐

RUSU92 · 09/02/2020 22:41

Going against the grain, I also find that really annoying - more often it’s my DCs though. We’ll choose something family friendly that we think they’ll like and then they spend the whole time on their phones.

With DP it’s usually napping rather than phones. That drives me mad!! Especially when it’s something I’ve already seen and he’ll say “oh I haven’t seen it yet Sad “ so I’m like “ok I don’t mind seeing it again” and within 5 minutes he’s asleep and I’m stuck underneath him with the tv remote on his other side so I have to sit and rewatch it on my own Angry. Driving me wild just thinking about it!!

PurpleDaisies · 09/02/2020 22:41

Maybe he wasn’t as interested in the programme as you were?

I think you were out of order.

RUSU92 · 09/02/2020 22:43

But yeah. It’s tricky being pregnant and wanting to share happy times together and feeing like he’s not fussed. Maybe you need a Sit Down Chat about what you need from him as your relationship changes. Flowers

Northernsoullover · 09/02/2020 22:44

My partner used to drive me crazy. He'd put something on that I was ambivalent about and pause it if I wasn't deemed to be paying enough attention. I asked him if he was incapable of viewing if I wasn't looking at the screen at the same time.
I just don't watch a lot of tv. This week I only plan on watching White House Farm and Death in Paradise
Why on earth do people get cross about this. He did bring up me scrolling on my phone but I pointed out that my use of leisure time was no less valid than his.

Shamazing · 09/02/2020 22:44

Going against the grain

Not really @RUSU92 plenty of other people have said the same thing.

Original poster
ncagainforfeb · 09/02/2020 22:45

You do sound like you behaved like a controlling twat.

Good grief, aren’t you a charmer Hmm

OP posts:
wheretonow123 · 09/02/2020 22:45

You are being totally ridiculous OP. We are married 30 years this year and watch totally different things - my wife likes the soaps.

We accept what each other watches or listens to and don't sweat over the small things.

So much so I suggested that we go to emmerdale tour during our holidays this year but my wife came to London to a gig with me before that.

CalleighDoodle · 09/02/2020 22:46

wow yes very controlling. He wasnt watching tv the way you wanted him to watch it?!