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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH driving me mad - AIBU?

139 replies

ncagainforfeb · 09/02/2020 21:54

DH and I have been arguing a lot recently - we’re both going through stressful times in our jobs and have both been guilty of “bringing work home” and taking it out on each other. On top of that, I’m 28 weeks pregnant and am feeling more emotional and up and down than usual.

So anyway, tonight we sat down together to watch a TV programme that we both wanted to see. Two minutes in there was a crucial scene (somebody died!) and I glance over at DH to find he’s scrolling through his phone.

I asked him what he was doing and he said he was reading a synopsis of the show. I pointed out that he’d just missed a crucial bloody scene and he snapped at me, calling me controlling.

All I wanted was to watch a nice bit of TV together at the end of a hard week, maybe discuss it afterwards and enjoy the experience as a couple - not me watch it with him next to me scrolling through his phone. Why can’t he just watch the TV and put his phone down like everybody else?

Anyway, the argument escalated to him calling me a fascist so I left the room and have gone up to bed. AIBU?!

OP posts:
TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 09/02/2020 23:52

Why can’t he just watch the TV and put his phone down like everybody else?

I think people who just watch TV and put the phone down are more likely to be the minority these days.

RoyalMail · 10/02/2020 00:07

I am totally with you, OP, but I knew MN would shoot you down. MN has total disdain for any situation where the woman could in any possible implausible way be seen as needy or controlling. (See MN’s attitude toward SAH mums.) It’s like we’re all so cool and independent that we should never need reassurance or indulgence from our partner. It makes me sad sometimes to think of the relationships some of these people must be in but I don’t think it’s how most couples are IRL.

I enjoy sharing the time with my DH when we watch TV. It’s not just about physical proximity, it’s about thinking of the same thing at the same time. We have our few shows that we’re really into together and we each have ones we watch separately as well. If we’re both on our separate devices we might as well not even be in the same room.

RoyalMail · 10/02/2020 00:12

Seriously, @FridgeOffal ? OP is being really civil and honest and engaging with what people are saying. And you need to call her a twat? What kind of life do you lead, honestly???

Ilovemypantry · 10/02/2020 00:28

I actually do get where you’re coming from on this as I’ve got a DH who does this all the time. Only he goes one step further...he’ll have his laptop on his lap with earphones in when we’re supposed to be watching a tv programme together. I find it infuriating and don’t know if I can pass comments as a) I don’t know if he can hear me and b) I don’t know if he can even hear the tv! I actually think it’s quite rude to agree to sit down and watch something together and then deliberately put earphones in.

Incontinencesucks · 10/02/2020 05:42

Yabu but i get pregnancy annoyance.

Ywnbu if he played on his phone and then started asking questions on what he missed but luckily you've escaped that so far.

isabellerossignol · 10/02/2020 06:12

I've never seen watching TV together as some sort of quality time, so I'm a bit bemused by some of the responses. I've been married for over 20 years and we've probably watched TV together every evening but I don't think I've ever watched TV in my life without doing something else at the same time - reading a book, doing crochet, scrolling through my phone, ironing, drinking coffee, all sorts of things. My mind is a bit blown at the idea that people give TV their undivided attention and even moreso that they think it's rude if others don't do the same.

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 10/02/2020 06:27

I’m going to assume that what you were asking for wasn’t undivided attention on the tv, but undivided attention on you. Some precious time as a couple and “bonding time”. This seems especially true if you aren’t getting along at the moment and would explain your reaction.
Sometimes we watch tv playing on our phones, etc. Sometimes we make a thing of it and enjoying together! X

justwatchingtv · 10/02/2020 06:35

I think you treat your husband appallingly to be honest, OP, and I am actually coming from a place where I want to help rather than be critical but in order to do so I have to be honest about what I feel, firstly about the situation itself and secondly about what I think the situation will evolve into.

You deliberately use quite emotive and strong language to describe things that are really no big deal in the scheme of things ‘I cannot stand dh smells’ as if he has fag breath, BO, halitosis - but it’s toast and coffee for breakfast. The rights and wrongs of that aren’t what I’m about here. What I’m saying is that there’s a difference between ‘d’you know babe, for some reason the smell of toast is really making me sick as a dog just now, I know it’s a pain but could you consider something else or maybe have it at work?’ and ‘Oh, I simply cannot BEAR the way you SMELL!’ The former is unlikely to get anyone’s back up but the second will.

Now we’ve got a TV standoff again. He was doing something normal, maybe it bothered you, maybe others think it would bother them, but from a relationship perspective what is important here is that there are few things more miserable than living with someone who tries to control your every movement, ‘points things out’ to you like a particularly critical parent, jumps on small things and then when you eventually get fed up and snap, twists it all round that they are right and you are wrong. In this case, ‘I’m pregnant.’

I don’t know what your long term plans are, OP, and it could be he’s a right bastard and you don’t know how to express it so are grouching about little things rather than subtle but awful abuse. But taking your threads at face value (and I don’t normally but it is relevant here, tbh) I am telling you now you will lose him.

What are your long term plans? Because I can foresee a future where he works long hours anyway and he works longer and longer because being at home is so bloody miserable. He has to tiptoe around because you make it clear it’s your home and it’s your child and he’s something of an unwelcome guest. He picks his child up for a cuddle and you won’t like it, he comes home late and greets you and SSH, he gets up early in the morning and wakes you up and he should keep a wash bag and change of clothes in the car ready to shower and change at work or the gym. And it can drag out for years, I’ve known it occur over whole decades until he meets someone who doesn’t think he’s an irritating shit invading their home and leaves. And it comes as a shock.

I’m not excusing cruel men, men who can’t keep it in their trousers, abusive men. But I would be utterly miserable living with you right now, OP.

stupidcow7 · 10/02/2020 06:35

I do this and it annoys my partner, but I just like to know a bit about what I'm watching cause my attention span is rubbish, so if I do a quick read up it helps. Don't forget you're pregnant, there is this little person growing inside of you pulling on all sorts of things, your emotions are bound to be unpredictable.

HeronLanyon · 10/02/2020 06:48

Neither of you are ‘at fault’ - both stressed.
The only time this would have pissed me off was when my mum died and I asked dp to come over a few times ‘just to watch tv with me’ (don’t live together Dp had been incredibly lovely these occasions were very specific need in my part). I’d have been upset if phone had come out. It was dps rôle to sit and hold me and for me to know that’s what was happening. It was all about my anxiety and shock and grief. Luckily dp was a trooper and we watched mindless rubbish.
Maybe you’re in similar headspace of anxiety.
Sounds as though he is too though - let him watch tv the way he wants.
Good luck op (and congrats) be gentle with each other and yourself.

TheBusDriver · 10/02/2020 06:54

I have a phone jail and Saturday night for 3 hrs.between 7 and 10 all.phones go in and locked away

Newmetoday · 10/02/2020 06:59

I scroll through my phone. If I see someone familiar, I go on IMDB to see what else they’ve been in. I’m always asking Alexa the height or age of someone as well. I can’t help it. I NEED to know these things. It’s very weird, I know

mrsm43s · 10/02/2020 07:04

This would be a huge red flag of control/abuse to me. Particularly you kicking off because he wasn't watching TV the way you wanted him to, with your way automatically being assumed as the only possible correct way to do it. He's an individual person, his choice on how he chooses to watch TV.

Are you also controlling in other areas? Do you expect him to go to bed when you want to go to bed? To get up when you want to get up, to eat when and what you want to eat? Does he have to ask permission to go out or to spend money? Do you always assume your way of doing something is the only right way to do something? Because the only person who I have been with that wanted to control my TV habits also became increasingly controlling in other small but powerful areas of my life too, and it end up being suffocating and low level abusive.

adaline · 10/02/2020 07:16

I have a phone jail and Saturday night for 3 hrs.between 7 and 10 all.phones go in and locked away

If someone tried to confiscate my phone like I'm some kind of naughty child I would probably tell them to fuck off.

RibenaMonsoon · 10/02/2020 07:35

I find when me and DH get into a rut like that it helps to just bring it all out.
It's usually little things that each of us does that continually pisses us off throughout the day.
If we have a bit of an honesty session where we share how we are feeling and how these little things are annoying us we make an effort to listen to each other more and it really helps.
For example I always tidy the kitchen table, the minute DH comes home from work it's filled with crap he's bought, the contents of his coat pockets etc. Then there's nowhere for us to eat dinner. He makes an effort to not do that now, I also make an effort to put smaller loads in the washing machine so he's not going to work looking like a hobo as everything's creased.

It's surprising how many little things like that we just put up with or let go on a day to day basis.
With children in the mix it doesn't get better trust me.
Give each other a break and listen to each other.

atomicblonde30 · 10/02/2020 07:42

I think it’s rude I also think the tv is a red herring, if you agreed to spend some time together then yes it’s unbelievably rude to check out after two minutes and just sit unsociably on your phone. Could he not put it down for an hour to be present with you? If you’re relationship is as bad as you say then some effort to reconnect could be made by him.

adaline · 10/02/2020 08:15

if you agreed to spend some time together then yes it’s unbelievably rude to check out after two minutes and just sit unsociably on your phone.

Watching TV is hardly a sociable activity!

Rockingham1 · 10/02/2020 08:24

It annoys me too, I know what you mean about wanting to do something ‘together’ - that’s what this is really about in the context of the fact you’re not getting on and feeling disconnected. Maybe just explain that that’s how you feel and that it’s not really about wanting to control how he watches TV

Elbeagle · 10/02/2020 08:43

I’m not very good at just doing one thing at a time. I could sit and stare at the TV screen for an hour if I forced myself too, but I wouldn’t enjoy it and would be getting twitchy. I prefer to have one eye on the TV and one doing something else, either reading something (book or on my phone), doing cross stitch etc. I don’t go to the cinema for this reason!
I think YABU, he can watch TV or relax in any way he chooses to. However you’re stressed and pregnant so can see why it became a bigger issue in your mind.

PettyContractor · 10/02/2020 08:56

This would be a huge red flag of control/abuse to me. Particularly you kicking off because he wasn't watching TV the way you wanted him to, with your way automatically being assumed as the only possible correct way to do it. He's an individual person, his choice on how he chooses to watch TV.

This completely misses the point. The TV watching in this case is not a solitary experience, it was supposed to be enhanced by the two going through the same emotions together. His failure to concentrate did diminish her enjoyment. She can't require anyone to concentrate, but she can be disappointed when they break a commitment (she thought existed) to do so.

The restaurant analogy up-thread is helpful. Would you call someone controlling for complaining that their date didn't look at them or talk to them during a meal, on the grounds that it is perfectly possible to enjoy food without someone else present? In that case, the enjoyment was not supposed to be only about the food.

atomicblonde30 · 10/02/2020 09:00

I didn’t say it was did I @adaline? I did however say it’s unsociable to ignore the person you’ve agreed to do something with in favour of your phone. There’s a difference, though I suspect your ignorance is wilful.

Abraid2 · 10/02/2020 09:01

Why does he have to look at the screen if he isn't finding it that interesting?

TheMemoryLingers · 10/02/2020 09:06

I think YABU. You were watching TV - it's not as though he got your phone out while you were talking or having dinner. I've been on the other side and I hate being dictated to about how I should watch something on TV or the extent to which I should concentrate. If I'm reading or using my laptop, it simply means I am not that interested and am filling the time by doing my own thing while someone else enjoys their viewing.

Cheeseandwin5 · 10/02/2020 09:18

YABU,
You were watching TV for goodness sake. If I am watching tv and my DH decided to play on his phone, that is up to him. As long as he doesnt ask me questions about the plot, then what do I care. Maybe he wasn't as enthralled as you were, isnt he allowed to be that?

In my view you werent having quailty time togeather as such- by talking and listening, you were spending time together - in the same room watching a screen. Because he wasnt watching the same screen as you, you got angry?!?
This does sound incredibly controlling and the fact you think he was in the wrong is worse.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 10/02/2020 09:27

Am awaiting the
"My DH annoys me by having a pulse"
"My DH annoys me by breathing "
"My DH exists and thus is annoying "
Threads from this poster
Prior to the
"Glad tidings the messiah has been born " threads
I have never felt more sorry for a man in all of my life