me, my ex and a new man?

[Limbicsystem]

Hi,
my sister pointed me to this forum so I hope it ok to write here.

here goes, I am a single mum to a 15mo girl, me and her dad (james)separated before she was born but we get on great, hes an amazing dad and is really supportive to me. we often do things together when hes around because he works away a lot amd seeing the baby is a priority wit him.

recently I started chatting to a guy I met ona night out. hes really nice, he has no problems with me gushing about the baby and is understanding that I cant drop everything and see him. im busy a lot with university and the baby so we haven't seen eachother much but we talk every day. ill call him jon

anyway. that's the background.

earlier this week *jon messaged me and said he would like to take me out on valentines night. I said that's really nice and would see if James would take the baby overnight if hes free. I texted James and he said he had made plans with thegirl hes seeing so I messaged jon right back and explained. Jon seemed ok but then he asked what i was doing in the day and I told him I was spending it with james.

fwiw this has been planned since before I knew jon and its not romantic at all, we just do things like this with the baby becaue its nice, he is bringing his older daughter and we are going to lunch and then soft play or swimming.

after that he finished the conversation pretty quickly and then didn't message me back the rest of the day. I called him out on it the next day because instead of the usual 10/15 messages he had only replied to one with K. totally unlike him.
after a bit of poking he admitted that he thinks its weird that im spending the day with my ex and that he doesn't think im interested in him. I told him I really am and he said im always busy and making excuses to see him (im studying really hard at the moment too!!!) and that hes nt going to pursue someone who doesn't feel the same. he also said he doesn't know anyone who sees their xes the way I do and that he didn't comment on it before but that hes developed feelings for me now and thinks I probably just wan to get back with james.

Im really upset about this but at the same time im actually really annoyed hes said this to me. weve only seen eachother a couple of times, haven't slept together and he knew I was busy from the beginning, im also not going to push my daughters dad away because of jealous men, that's what james ex has done, and did to me throughout our relationship she caused trouble bbecause she was jealous of me, and it really hurts him.

I asked a couple of my friends but none of them have kids yet so don't really think its weird but my sister and mum both say it IS weird and that I should be putting myself and this guy first if I like him.

im so lost. I don't know whether im being an awful person or im just weird?

Tbh I'd invite the new chap around to your house vakentine day eve and cook tea and watch a film?

Ok, seriously, why did you break up again? Were the issues with his crazy ex insurmountable? Would either of you ever want to try again?

@Tyersal he does everything possible. his job doesn't allow him to do a normal 9-5 and I think expecting him to give up a job he has spnt his entire adult life striving to achieve in is totally unreasonable.
any time outside of his job is divided up between the two girls, he doesn't socialise very often.

I don't know where people are getting me spending all my time with him, I don't see him often at all, most of the time he will pick the baby from nursery because im at uni or sometimes from my mums. we haven't spent the whoke day together since the babies birthday and ive never not seen jon because of James. James had the baby overnight for all of my dates with Jon. without james id have never seen jon at all.

@Rainbowqueeen

this might come across as pathetic but I wont have him over when the baby is in the house anyway. maybe if we had been dating longer it would be different but at the moment that's not an option im comfortable with.

im not all that keen on having men back to mine full stop really, I don't judge anyone else for it but my home is my safe space.

Changed your story a bit there - you said she was breastfed and he stayed over until she was 1 (which was only a couple of months ago) - but now you're saying he hasn't stayed over since she was 7 months old.

It must be a bit confusing for his 6 year old daughter. He's not in a relationship with you and hasn't been for over 15 months - has he introduced his daughter, or yours, to his latest girlfriend yet? Does he ever parent his children on his own, or is there always a woman hovering around in the background?

Anyway, regardless of any of that, I'd knock dating on the head for a while if I were you. You're too busy with uni and James to be dating. Unfortunately I doubt you'll find anyone that wants to date (with a view to having a relationship) under these circumstances.

I also would I vote the guy you're dating round for dinner at yours Friday night

invite

I think your daughter would appreciate and get a lot from time alone with her father. I really do understand not wanting to spend time away from your child but I think you should arrange some fun things to do whilst the two of them enjoy some time together.

It’s great that you can amicably parent so well but it’s important you can both do it separately as well as together.

I get what you are trying to do OP.

Its great you have a great relationship with your ex. It's great that you want to keep the new man seperate.

But honestly, of I was just starting to date someone and they were spending valentines day with their shared child and the exs child I would back right off straight away.

Nor would I want to be with someone who stays over at their exs.

You arent wrong to do things how you want. But 'jon" isnt wrong to be questioning wether he wants involved in this and what is actually going on with your ex.

@HmmIsThisAGoodIdea
I think before I got pregnant things were amazing because there was no pressure, his ex made things difficult of course but being free and relativey unattached to anything meant it wasn't that big of a deal.
then I fell pregnant unexpectedly and I instantly knew I wanted her and also realised that I wanted the whole shebang or nothing, and I would never get the whole shebang with James with his ex being in the picture. and partly to do with his job I guess.

and once id made that decision there wasn't really any going back so before the 12 week scan we talked, he offered to move in because theres no way im leaving uni or my family to move 2 hours away (I didn't drive at the time), he moved in and his ex stopped contact immediately so we had a really frank chat and decided to step away and just be the best coparents we could be.

it really hurt at the time, we had a few pregnancy scares and complications and each time we were both emotional and stayed up all hours talking about how he could make things work out but I thibk for me I was so clear with what I did and more importantly DIDNT want, that was it for me. no going back. and I think because it was that easy to walk away from eachother we possibly weren't meant to be anyway. I don't even get jealous when hes dating other women.

and I don't know who said it but the girl he was dating before this current one (who i should hate because shes soooo pretty) tried to get in between his time with the baby and our coparenting relationship and he ended things straight away. so im not worried about that at all.

So confused about why James has a traditional daddy/daughter date with his other child and is now wanting to involve your daughter......so you are going.

His oldest child has thisvteadition with her dad and is now sharing it with her sister (I get that) and her dads ex?

I think your relationship with your daughter's dad sounds lovely and healthy - it's great she gets to spend time with both parents.
Some men might not like it, and you're going to have to accept that though. But it's a good barometer for what kind of man they are.

Why does this day out with your ex have to be on valentines day? Your daughter is 15 months old, so she's not going to know it care that it's "special". Your ex's other daughter is six, so she may well be aware of the meaning of valentines day and may just be confused by it being a pseudo-family day out?

Just see your ex on a different day. And if your reaction is "no, then it won't be special" maybe you need to think about your feelings for him?

Well done OP, I think it’s excellent you’re on such good terms with your ex. I am too and some people do find it odd, but I’ve always put my children first. I’ve decided not to date since we split, I just don’t want the hassle of step families (been there, done that, didn’t work) so it’s fine for us to be friends. I don’t think it would work if I was dating though.

I’d carry on doing what you’re doing. Could your mum babysit so you can go for a meal? Maybe your new man isn’t too worried about the friendship but the Valentine’s Day has thrown him. Totally understand why you don’t want to let his daughter down

@CoffeeCoinneseur i dint change my story at all. she wasn't weaned at 7 months, i said she wouldn't leave my side until she was 7 months.
hes had her alone since she was 1ish. either way its not like we are having sex, he sleeps on the sofa, im usually locked away in the study/ at uni or at the library.

his new girlfriend isn't even a girlfriend really. i think they've been dating since just after xmas, she hasn't met my daughter and as far as im aware im the only girlfriend to have met his 6yo and we had been dating over a year before we were introduced. i have no idea where you've got this "always a woman around" from. he lives alone, cant be in the same room as his ex and his mother lives in Spain.
his sister has no interest in kids so where are these women coming from?
if he has the baby he has her at his house, which is two hours away without traffic, and when she was tiny there was no way i was letting him spend days without sleep with us to then drive on the motorway for two hours whilst sleep deprived! no way in hell. shes also a fussy little monkey and it took a while before she- and i- was ready to spend overnights apart, ive stayed over at his a few times too. and he sometimes sleeps at my mums house if hes jetlagged! the horror!!!

His daughter knows me because we were together for like 4 years. i would expect the baby to meet a woman hes been seeing for 4 years too.

you seem intent to paint him out as a bad guy, its really odd.

@kirkman
His daughter wanted us both to come. she asked ages ago. last year they drove to visit me and the baby at my home to drop off the cards, she makes A LOT of cards. i even have one for going to the dentist in October lol.

ive known his daughter for over half her life, she likes me and she loves having a baby sister, when shes older she probably wont want to hang out with us but at the moment its so lovely i completely embrace it.

He sounds like a fab dad. I guess it’s a shame you can’t work things out?
My DHs ex is a nightmare a lot of the time and we came so close to splitting after a year together because I couldn’t bare the thought of her drama in my life. But I’m so glad we ignored her nonsense and made it work. Maybe keep that door a jar?

@Darbs76
mums busy, sister is abroad and brother is working.

this is why its a bit annoying that he asked on Tuesday, valentines day isn't a surprise. he even prefaced the text with "i know youre not that into valentines day but...". then he was fine with me not having a babysitter anyway.

i guess im just disappointed. ive been talking to one of my uni friends about it (most of them are younger than me) and she said its most likely that Jon was playing it cool about my situation with my ex because that's what you do when you start dating and that hes probably not as cool with it as he said, which i don't think is my problem at all to be honest. ive been honest from the beginning and if he couldn't take it then he should date someone else.

@ButtonandPickle19
awww, im glad it worked out for you.

im over it now if im brutally honest. and i think he is too. we have such a nice dynamic now and id hate to ruin that, i could see us trying again and it ending badly because the baby is older and having her would put pressure on us both. if we had stayed together until she was born we definitely would still be together now and i think i would resent him and his ex would cause enough trouble for him to resent me. and that's not what i want either. as it is now i get the best parts of him (conversations, in jokes, mutual gushing at how gorgeous the baby is) without any guilt that hes getting sh*t from his ex or missing him because hes had to disappear tosome other country at the drop of a hat. our biggest fight was him getting called away during an important (to me) party and i felt horrible for being horrible to him for something he cant help but then also felt like, hang on, I should be allowed to spend time with my boyfriend without being permanently worried hes going to disappear.
ive now made it a rule to not date anyone with a job like that! lol

I am in a similar situation. Very good friends with ex and spend family days and family holidays together. My DP is mainly ok with it, particularly as their DC's other parent made life really difficult for him and it was very toxic and he doesn't want that for me. It's not easy. I balance two lives it feels like sometimes but I am trying to keep everyone happy and I am, like you, putting the kids first. Good luck OP. Hope it works out for you with your new guy

@FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18
well shes nearly 7, and knows that valentines day is a day to spend time with people you love, and at the moment she loves her dad, me, the baby and her cat, so why argue with her? if she didn't want us there we wouldn't go.

@Boom45
thank you! that's the aim.

i didn't have a dad growing up and it really affected me, my mum worked so hard to care for us and as a result shes in her fifties and has been single forever (probably why shes pushing me to date) and i feel really guilty for that.

Also, I don't really see why spending time on the day of Valentine's Day is that big a deal....? It's just another day to me 🤷

@bigchris
invite Jon to valentines day? hell no, i can imagine james exwould put Vesuvius to shame. and his daughter is quite shy and it would worry her.

im not having him to the house, i wouldn't feel safe and i don't think its appropriate to have a guy round when the baby is upstairs after a short time of dating, im sure hes not a bad guy, but its just not happenin.

the more i type the more i think im just never ever going to date.

Nothing odd here. Just very unusual which is very sad. You both sound like wonderful parents and good support for each other. Well done xx