me, my ex and a new man?

[Limbicsystem]

Hi,
my sister pointed me to this forum so I hope it ok to write here.

here goes, I am a single mum to a 15mo girl, me and her dad (james)separated before she was born but we get on great, hes an amazing dad and is really supportive to me. we often do things together when hes around because he works away a lot amd seeing the baby is a priority wit him.

recently I started chatting to a guy I met ona night out. hes really nice, he has no problems with me gushing about the baby and is understanding that I cant drop everything and see him. im busy a lot with university and the baby so we haven't seen eachother much but we talk every day. ill call him jon

anyway. that's the background.

earlier this week *jon messaged me and said he would like to take me out on valentines night. I said that's really nice and would see if James would take the baby overnight if hes free. I texted James and he said he had made plans with thegirl hes seeing so I messaged jon right back and explained. Jon seemed ok but then he asked what i was doing in the day and I told him I was spending it with james.

fwiw this has been planned since before I knew jon and its not romantic at all, we just do things like this with the baby becaue its nice, he is bringing his older daughter and we are going to lunch and then soft play or swimming.

after that he finished the conversation pretty quickly and then didn't message me back the rest of the day. I called him out on it the next day because instead of the usual 10/15 messages he had only replied to one with K. totally unlike him.
after a bit of poking he admitted that he thinks its weird that im spending the day with my ex and that he doesn't think im interested in him. I told him I really am and he said im always busy and making excuses to see him (im studying really hard at the moment too!!!) and that hes nt going to pursue someone who doesn't feel the same. he also said he doesn't know anyone who sees their xes the way I do and that he didn't comment on it before but that hes developed feelings for me now and thinks I probably just wan to get back with james.

Im really upset about this but at the same time im actually really annoyed hes said this to me. weve only seen eachother a couple of times, haven't slept together and he knew I was busy from the beginning, im also not going to push my daughters dad away because of jealous men, that's what james ex has done, and did to me throughout our relationship she caused trouble bbecause she was jealous of me, and it really hurts him.

I asked a couple of my friends but none of them have kids yet so don't really think its weird but my sister and mum both say it IS weird and that I should be putting myself and this guy first if I like him.

im so lost. I don't know whether im being an awful person or im just weird?

[Limbicsystem]

@Bluewater1 its not a big deal to me either. i never spent it with James because he spent it with his daughter anyway. its an excuse to watch rubbish films on tv in my pjs with chocolates and a Chinese takeaway.

but im not 6. to Layla it is literally the whole world. this is the kid who broke her heart and would speak to her dad for a week when she found out she couldn't marry him when she grew up.

[Somerville]

I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong here, but I do see how it could ring alarm bells. Your child is extremely young so the break up with her father is recent, leading anyone interested in you to wonder whether you’re definitely over it.

My DH once dated someone with a toddler, and an involved ex. He said he felt like he was getting in the way of their family, and that if he got emotionally involved he could get hurt, so he ended the relationship. It wasn’t about her already being a mother (we subsequently got together and I have children) but combination of the child’s father being very involved plus it being a recent break up felt like a red flag for a strong foundation for a relationship.

I think you should respect the chap you’ve been seeing feeling like it’s a set up that isn’t for him. Especially as you’ve had your fingers burned by an involved ex yourself.

[Honeyroar]

I think you’re right. The new man is being a bit sulky and stroppy. You’ve not arranged a Valentine’s Day our with your ex, it’s just a day out with your ex FOR THE CHILDREN that happens to have been pre arranged on a day that happens to be Valentine’s Day. The new guy doesn’t sound as understanding and wonderful as he initially seemed. I’d tell him that you like him but you’ve got a daughter that requires lots of time (some of which might be spent with her father too) and also a lot of college work to do. Tell him that any new boyfriend must be able to understand that, and the fact that you get on well with your ex. Say that you’d be sad to see him walk away but you understand if that’s how you feel.

[Limbicsystem]

@Somerville
weve been separated for over a year and a half.

i thought i was respecting him by being completely honest. its a nightmare lol.

[aSofaNearYou]

OP you speak incredibly fondly of your ex, in all honesty it reads very much like you still have feelings for him and like him a lot more than you like the new guy. At the same time, you say the reason you can't be with him is that you want the "whole shebang" and can't cope with his ex... and yet you have no empathy for the new guy's feelings about yours. Can you not see the irony?

It is fine if you want to prioritise your daughter and coparenting in an unconventionally intimate manner, but you can't expect others to want to date you in those circumstances and I don't think very many people would. In all honesty, it also sounds like you resent his presence in your life at all as you feel guilty for ever being away from your daughter. Someone that is heavily involved with their ex, never wanted to separate from them in the first place, can't see why you would be uncomfortable with that and borders on insulting you for feeling that way, who is also racked with guilt every time they are away from their child to their ex to be with you.... is not a very attractive dating prospect. I don't think you are doing anything wrong in choosing your priorities the way you have, but it is disingenuous to suggest as some have on this thread that he is immature and you just need to wait for someone good enough for you. His feelings are perfectly natural and he is not beneath you for having them.

I think you need to accept that what you are offering to a prospective partner is a really raw deal and you are perhaps not in a place to date someone new right now, nor does it particularly sound like you want to.

[Limbicsystem]

@Honeyroar
hes on a night out tonight so ill text him tomorrow. i think its pretty clear its not going to work out, now ive sat down and thought about it.

i don't want him to have expectations and im not giving up the life im building for anyone right now, i did that for an ex and this is why im now having to catch up at almost 24 years old instead of being en route to a phD.

and im starting to see that im putting Jon in the same situation James put me in, and that's not fair either.

bummer. i really liked him too.

[Limbicsystem]

@aSofaNearYou
you've just articulated a lotof what ive just realised!

its definitely not fair isit?

im very fond of James, it takes a lot not to be really pissed off with him sometimes. i cried/shouted/threw things at him quite a lot just after i gave birth, especially when the blues hit, because he was SO supportive and it would have been a lot easier if he was a total arse really. my sisters boyfriend cheated on her around the same time and i remember screaming at james "why couldn't you have just fucked someone else (i don't swear at all usually) instead of changing fcking nappies with your f*cking smiley face all the time". not proud of that at all im just saying, it wasn't easy or smooth.

and in my defence i made it clear to Jon that i had other priorities the night we met, as a condition for me giving him my number, and then gave him full disclosure about James, uni, the baby and some health stuff the first time we went to dinner. i know its an unnatractive prospect to date a woman who already has a baby, baggage, gets on with exes (plural) and is really focused on studies. he promised that he was ok with all of it.

im glad i took it slow now. because obviously he wasn't hearing what i was saying or he didn't realise the implications of it.

anyway, its flipping eleven o clock! i need to go to bed and ive done nothing at all towards my coursework.

[Limbicsystem]

youre right about not being fussed about dating, i went on a couple because the girls at uni were on about Tinder, the first one was ok but he seemed to think we were definitely having sex that night, and the second one was exactly the same, just more subtle nd then halfway through realised we weren't and stuck his head in his phone. i also learned not to add people from tinder on snapchat because they send pictures of their dicks. so im not on tinder anymore lol.

and as i said, i didtell Jon that when he asked for my number. i think my words were something like "god, i don't have time to date, i have a baby" and then showed him my screensaver of her because im THAT parent... he did most of the leg work after.

[TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre]

also realised that I wanted the whole shebang or nothing, and I would never get the whole shebang with Limbicsystem with her ex being in the picture

Edited to what Jon might be feeling right now.

[TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre]

i know its an unnatractive prospect to date a woman who already has a baby, baggage, gets on with exes (plural) and is really focused on studies. he promised that he was ok with all of it.

It's one thing being ok with the woman you seeing getting on with her ex(es). It's a very different thing to not be able to see her on Valentines day because he ex is going out that night and there's no one else in the world she can ask to babysit, and not be able to see her during the day because she's spending the day with the same ex.

You're just not that into him, OP. Which is fine, but you're trying to make out like he's somehow at fault. He's not. At all.

[SnowyRacoon]

I can see your POV OP as I had a similar relationship with my ex until his new gf butted in and he has not seen his kids since!

[AmelieTaylor]

because obviously he wasn't hearing what i was saying or he didn't realise the implications of it

It’s one thing to ‘hear what you’re saying’ & accept it and quite another for a young bloke to accept his girlfriend would rather spend valentines Day with their Ex & their child

Yes it IS because it’s Valentine’s Day.

You’re prioritising what Layra & James want over seeing Jon on VD

You have James sleep over & you & the baby sleep/slept at James’

But Jon isn’t even allowed to come over when the baby is sleep [hmmm]

Or you won’t get a baby sitter.

Jon asks you in a date on VD & you say ‘No, I’m spending it with James’

There’s ‘understanding’ & there’s being taken for a complete mug.

Seriously. You think Jon is the one being unreasonable?

You’re not prioritising DD, she’s perfectly fine spending a few hours with her Dad without you. You’re choosing to spend the time with James.

[TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre]

If Layla has always had a "date" with dad on Valentines Day without you being there she will still be happy to spend it with him, without you. Your daughter would be OK with them for a few hours while you meet up with Jon. You would still get to spend time with her on the day. It could be a new tradition for James that he spends the day with both his daughters. Why are you trying to muscle in on his time with his girls?

You are making up an awful lot of excuses why you can't spend time with Jon, and none of them really stack up.

As you said, might be best to lay off dating for a while. You're not ready. And it has nothing to do with Jon, James, Layla or Rose. (I think those are the names used)

[TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre]

Your reasons for not being able to see Jon, are actually excuses not to see him.

[Kirkman]

I get valentines isnt a bug deal for some.

It clearly is for op because she is going in a daddy/daughter date with the kids and her ex. If her and her ex just think its another day, then they wouldnt be planning this daddy/daughter date.

It's actually not a daddy daughter date though. Cause she is there too. It's actually, now a family date or family valentines trip.

[Urkiddingright]

I can understand Jon’s perspective personally and don’t blame him for ending things. You’re both young and he probably feels too young to be involved in this sort of scenario, he doesn’t understand why you want to maintain such a close relationship with your ex (most people don’t). You and James still get along which is great for you both and the DC but you can’t expect new partner’s to readily accept it. I’d find it weird if my DH still spent the day with his ex too.

Valentine’s Day is also emotive for some people so the fact you fobbed him off on that particular day to spend time with your ex probably hurt his feelings.

[TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre]

It's actually not a daddy daughter date though. Cause she is there too.

But it has always been just daddy and his one daughter. OP was never involved. She eden said she liked the chance to have the say watching TV eating chocolate etc. Now she is deciding that she wants in on the daddy/daughter day because her own daughter will be going.

Daddy is capable of bringing out his girls and continuing the tradition of daddy/daughter(s) day. OP doesn't want to be there for it to be a family day. She's using the excuse that if she's not there she won't see her daughter all day.

It's an excuse. Jon is right to walk away.

[Limbicsystem]

@tellmewhothevillainsare

im going because Layla asked me to go. James could take the baby without meand that would be fine. i don't know where you've got that im insisting i go because of that. im going because she is a very sweet little girl with enough upset in her life and the last thing she needs is me letting her down.

[Limbicsystem]

@AmelieTaylor
theres a huge difference between the father of my child and someone ive known for a long time and a man i have been in the physical presence of less times than i have fingers.

im sorry but no, i wouldn't feel safe for other reasons, and i don't think its appropriate. im a young woman who lives on her own and im not comfortable with it.

[Kirkman]

Just because someone, even a child, asks you to do something doesnt mean you are letting them down.

You are choosing to go because you want to. That's fine. But you are making out your are obligated to spend valentines with him. You arent.

You said James takes his daughter for a daughter daddy date. So this date obviously means something. Now it's a family valentines date. Again if that's your thing that's fine.

But jon isnt wrong with being uncomfortable for it and not gettk g on board with it. He is right to walk away.

[Limbicsystem]

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAreJon isn't able to see me on valentines day because he waited until the week before to make plans. its got nothing to do with James. if i had known two or three weeks ago my mum would have not taken overtime.

i could have seen Jon last night, but he was going out on a night out so we rainchecked. i didn't throw a tantrum and stop texting him over it.

we could have a valentines date on the 15th, 16th, 17th if he wished.

i odnt see how university, studying and a real live baby are excuses that don't add up. Jon works and plays rugby and other things most nights, again i don't throw a strop when ive got free time and hes playing rugby. i just accept it.

i wont apologise for dropping everything, including my school and my good relationship with the father of my child just so a man can get his rocks off at my place a few nights a week. that is NOT the role model i want to be for my daughter.

im also not going to drop my relationship with a 6 year old girl who thinks the world of us just because me and her father are separated. he was hysterical when he told her we had split up because she thought she would never ever see me or the meet her baby sister. im not muscling in on anything. we ARE a family unit albeit an obviously unconventional one ad the feeling of the unit matter more than a guy i met in a club and talk to a lot, even if i do really like him.

[Limbicsystem]

@kirkman im not letting her down and that's the end of it. shes excited and its days before.

i partly wish he had just walked away instead of leaving me not knowing what to say to him. im not really the type of person to pander to men anyway, im not an emotional support dog im a grown up with my own life. im not going to tell him i love him and move heaven and earth to go on one badly planned date.

[Kirkman]

I didnt say you should.

I simply said deckinging to go would not have been letting her down.

I said several times, theres nothing wrong with what you are doing. You shoudlnt pander.

However, jon isnt wrong either. If it's not for him, it's not for him. Some people wouldnt mind, you being so close to your ex. Some people would. Neither is wrong.

[Limbicsystem]

im sorry, i shouldn't be getting defensive, its just a lot to take in when you think youre doing the best thing for your life and other people tear it apart or suggest you do things youre not comfortable with just to placate a man. that's the whole reason im not comfortable with having him in the house in the first place.

anyway, ive sent him this:

Good morning, hope your head isn't too sore.
I think we should talk about the last few days. im really sorry that you feel the way you do, i DO really like you but i understand why you feel the way you do. if you wanted to meet up any other day this week or on sunday eve i will absolutely make that happen. if not then just let me know i guess. xxx

ive got to go to a lecture now so illlet you know hi reply if he even sends one.

[TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre]

Limbicsystem, I don't think anyone is tearing you apart. But people are highlighting where Jon is coming from. I think organising something for Valentines Day a week in advance is reasonable in normal circumstances. He wasn't to know that you'd need 3 weeks notice to guarantee a babysitter.

If you know that you need to organise a babysitter well ahead of time, then why didn't you suggest doing something for Valentines 2 or 3 weeks ago, yourself? Why was it only up to him. You are the one who needs to put things in place before you go out. So maybe you are the one who needs to be thinking ahead. He suggested it in what he assumed was reasonable time, and both reasons for not being able to meet him involve your ex.

Now, there's being OK with someone being on good terms with their ex, who they are Co-parenting with. Then there is realising that you are way down the pecking order, behind your child (obviously ok), your ex, and your ex's child (not quite so obviously OK) and he has realised he's unlikely to move up that pecking order.

Neither of you are necessarily wrong. But you started the thread hoping people would tell you Jon was being the unreasonable one. He's not. He just needs to see someone with less baggage and things going on in the background. It's OK to want to be in an "easy" relationship. This is the early days. The time when it's supposed to be fun, and easy going. He has gotten a taste of how complicated this relationship is going to be because it involves more than just you and him. So he has backed away. Perfectly acceptable.