me, my ex and a new man?

[Limbicsystem]

Hi,
my sister pointed me to this forum so I hope it ok to write here.

here goes, I am a single mum to a 15mo girl, me and her dad (james)separated before she was born but we get on great, hes an amazing dad and is really supportive to me. we often do things together when hes around because he works away a lot amd seeing the baby is a priority wit him.

recently I started chatting to a guy I met ona night out. hes really nice, he has no problems with me gushing about the baby and is understanding that I cant drop everything and see him. im busy a lot with university and the baby so we haven't seen eachother much but we talk every day. ill call him jon

anyway. that's the background.

earlier this week *jon messaged me and said he would like to take me out on valentines night. I said that's really nice and would see if James would take the baby overnight if hes free. I texted James and he said he had made plans with thegirl hes seeing so I messaged jon right back and explained. Jon seemed ok but then he asked what i was doing in the day and I told him I was spending it with james.

fwiw this has been planned since before I knew jon and its not romantic at all, we just do things like this with the baby becaue its nice, he is bringing his older daughter and we are going to lunch and then soft play or swimming.

after that he finished the conversation pretty quickly and then didn't message me back the rest of the day. I called him out on it the next day because instead of the usual 10/15 messages he had only replied to one with K. totally unlike him.
after a bit of poking he admitted that he thinks its weird that im spending the day with my ex and that he doesn't think im interested in him. I told him I really am and he said im always busy and making excuses to see him (im studying really hard at the moment too!!!) and that hes nt going to pursue someone who doesn't feel the same. he also said he doesn't know anyone who sees their xes the way I do and that he didn't comment on it before but that hes developed feelings for me now and thinks I probably just wan to get back with james.

Im really upset about this but at the same time im actually really annoyed hes said this to me. weve only seen eachother a couple of times, haven't slept together and he knew I was busy from the beginning, im also not going to push my daughters dad away because of jealous men, that's what james ex has done, and did to me throughout our relationship she caused trouble bbecause she was jealous of me, and it really hurts him.

I asked a couple of my friends but none of them have kids yet so don't really think its weird but my sister and mum both say it IS weird and that I should be putting myself and this guy first if I like him.

im so lost. I don't know whether im being an awful person or im just weird?

[aSofaNearYou]

we ARE a family unit albeit an obviously unconventional one ad the feeling of the unit matter more than a guy i met in a club and talk to a lot, even if i do really like him

I think this about sums it up tbh. It seems like you still essentially view yourselves as a family that simply can't be romantically involved at the moment, rather than two people who share a child but are two separate units. It's good that you can see the double standard and empathise with how he feels given your own experience with James. Being in a relationship with someone with a child is hard work and requires a lot of compromise from what you wanted for yourself in your relationship, and that's when the person has firm boundaries with their ex. You are not willing to put those in place for the sake of pursuing a mutually enjoyable romantic relationship, so you are essentially emotionally unavailable to afford him a place in your life that will make him anything other than miserable.

I would focus on what you view as your family unit for now and if things naturally cool off over the years to a less involved coparenting, rather than family relationship, and there is potential for your romantic relationship to mean as much to you as your family unit with your ex and ex step daughter, then perhaps you will be in a position to be in a relationship. At the moment, it isn't fair on him.

I do think you need to think carefully about what kind of relationship will ever be available to you, though. You said you couldn't be with James because you wanted the whole shebang and couldn't have that with him, but you do need to realise that you are now unable to provide that for anyone else. It would be unfair of you to expect that from someone else when you have a child (and an involved ex) so will never be able to give it. This is why people in your situation often seek out men who also have children so are equally at a point in their life where they are looking for someone who is willing to accept a largely separate life where they may consistently not be a priority, for the sake of the kids. I do think that if you are going to seek out a childless partner, then it is only really fair to do so if you are in a position where you can at least put their wishes into the pot and come out with a compromise that suits everyone, rather than them constantly being put last because of your other commitments/priorities, while you are their sole focus. The whole shebang really isn't an option anymore.

[JKScot4]

I’m mystified why OP won’t allow any criticism of ‘James’, this amazing guy gets you pregnant but walks away because of an ex’s demands regards his DD but abandons you and your DD?
He sounds pathetic not to have stuck with you and stood up to his ex; you know go to court for set access, nobody can dictate where you live. I’ve no doubt he’ll have more kids.

[Lunafortheloveogod]

Really honestly.. stick in at uni n leave anything with a dick well alone until you actually want to date.

Yes it’s an unusual dynamic with James, who lets face it probably has more going on that he’s letting on (custody could’ve been done through the courts etc).

Going out on Vday isn’t the be all n end all, Jon should’ve been aware that you’d likely have issues with getting your childcare covered in a week when James couldn’t take her. As you’ve said there’s plenty of other dates you could do just not that day.

I wonder how many pp’s would’ve had an issue if it was just a day out with a friend and their daughter.. essentially if it’s to suit the 6 year old it’s likely to be soft play n swimming hardly a romantic candle lit meal.

And I 100% agree on not having Jon or any other new fling round after dc’s have gone to bed. A friend was sexually assaulted with her dc in the next room from a bloke who wouldn’t take no for an answer. I’m sure that’s something no one wants their child to walk through to witness.


If it means you wait till she’s older to date so be it, you’re young.. why waste time stressing about boys and running after them.

[Limbicsystem]

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre

i didn't plan anything because i don't care about valentines day. i think the whole one day to show someone you love them thing being celebrated by adults is stupid.

@aSofaNearYou i don't want towards a less involved co parenting situation, that doesn't mean anything between James and i will be romantic. it wont, there is no door being held open for him, im not interested in that. there would have to be some massive changes in his life for me to even consider that and even if it was perfect i don't feel that way about him any more.

@JKScot4i defend him because he is brilliant and im not cool with slagging men off just because they are exes. im not that type of woman. you obviously haven't read anything i wrote in context to our breakup, you just want to attack a man. He is a huge support to me, emotionally, financially, you name it hes there. he didn't "get me pregnant", i shouldn't have even medically been able to get pregnant and after 4 years of unprotected sex and no baby she was a complete shock to both of us. he hasn't abandoned me and the baby at all, i ended things, he tried incredibly hard to make things work and i said no. i refused to move, i refused to pursue the relationship, ME, not him.

[JKScot4]

OP
I get on well with my exDH, you are very defensive of him and as pp mentioned he could have stayed with you if he wanted; court agreed access, not pandered to his ex. So he now has two DD he doesn’t live with.
In your favour you didn’t allow yourself to be manipulated but please regaling him as a perfect dad; he’s not.

[Limbicsystem]

@Lunafortheloveogod

Thank you. theres not much more going on, i wont discuss his job but its unusual and important and if i did i think most people would be racing to support him. He has an agreement through the courts, yes, but that doesnt stop her from stopping contact until he sends a solicitors letter to her. ultimately it really affects his little girl, he speaks to her at least once a day without fail and when his ex stops contact she stops calls and it really upsets her. unfortunately the ex will just say things like her phone wasn't working.


Yeah, its pretty much exactly like going out with a mum friend, my sister even said i should've just said that.

yes, i don't really want to go into details but im cautious for a reason. im actually really amazed that on a parenting forum multiple people have suggested having someone who is essentially a stranger, to a young womans house, under the implications of potential romance, whilst her baby is there. and one insinuated that the way i feel about it is wrong because the father of my kid slept on my sofa whilst i was breastfeeding. not really comparable.

[Limbicsystem]

@JKScot4

i don't know how many more ways i can put that i ended things not him. i feel like you have issues with men and youre judging the father of my baby by your own standards. we didn't get together with any view to having a baby together and our relationship worked perfectly under that dynamic. it was not a possibility, i have that in writing and i had made my peace with it long before i met him. If that wasn't the case we would have never dated in the first place. it is the same situation with Jon, i told him the fisrt time we spoke that i cant have any more children, that's definite now though.

and before you ask, James got the snip after my 20 week scan so no, he wont be having more children either.

oh and seeing as i know him and see him with both his daughters and you don't, im going to ignore the "hes not a perfect dad" because he is as close to perfect as you can get.

[TheTrollFairy]

Im probably not the best to comment as I am friends with my ex. Our kids play together, we meet up with eachother (both with and without our DPs) but most people seem to think this is weird.
I wouldn’t stop seeing your ex, who is the father of your child, to make someone else happy. I always think being amicable and friends if you can with the other parent then this will benefit your child who is your priority.

I have other friends where they are friends with their ex and co parent really well together so it does and can work although again this is the exception as most do t seen to work like this

[TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre]

this has been planned since before I knew jon and its not romantic at all, we just do things like this with the baby becaue its nice, he is bringing his older daughter and we are going to lunch and then soft play or swimming

This sounds like you arranged to go out together for the day, as its something you regularly do, and his daughter will come along. Rather than his daughter specifically asking for you to be there it sounds like you (both) arranged it a while back and then told his daughter. Which is all fine, but the impression I got from a lot of your posts was you were protesting a bit TOO much. And in your attempt to come up with reasons why you can't your simply giving more and more excuses as to why you don't want to.

I really do hope you can find a partner that you will both be compatible with each others lives. I just don't think Jon is that person. And I really don't believe he is in any way at fault. So don't try to make him feel unreasonable because he's not OK with you being still so heavily involved with your ex.

The time will come when you do have to accept that you are "separated". I think you're not ready for that just yet.

[AlternativePerspective]

Some people are only happy if they hate their ex or if their new partner hates their ex.

OP just because something is unconventional doesn’t mean that it’s wrong. If having a decent relationship with your ex is working for you then it’s not for anyone else to criticise, and that includes potential dates. If they don’t like it then they don’t have to get involved. The end.

As for the talk of valentines and how it’s wrong because the OP is spending the day with her ex on valentines, valentines is just a day. If the man has no issue with it for the rest of the year then valentines should be no different.

If a man told me he wanted to take me out for valentines I’d tell him that’s all very nice n all but I don’t do valentines so he really should save his money and take me out another night when it’ll cost half the price.

As for people suggesting that the OP invite this man with whom she’s had a few dates over to her house while the baby is there, would these be the same people who would criticise the OP if she said she’d been with the man for weeks and her daughter already loves him? I suspect they would.

[Limbicsystem]

@tellme

well i didn't think id be going into such depth about him, his daughter or it seems his integrity as a person, but i used bringing because they are coming to my city instead of me going to theirs. it made sense to me anyway. hes also taking her to the cinema before they go home (we cant go to that obviously).

i am defensive of him and i don't think ill apologise for that. if i started randomly accusing your husband of being unpleasant you would probably feel the same way. i have other exes i can insult to the cows come home, just not him.

regardless, Jon hasn't replied to me and i can see hes been online, hes commented on photos from last night someone has put up so to be honest hes obviously not that upset with the situation or bothered that ive reached out.

[Limbicsystem]

@AlternativePerspective
im getting that feeling. i know some people don't get on with their exes, i have a couple i cannot bear, but im not going to start disliking someone just because we are no longer together, they were good enough for me to date. ive met James ex before me too and shes lovely, she gave me 30% a massage lol.

youre also the only person who seems to get that i didn't seek out having a boyfriend too. Jon has pursued me for a while now and he knew the score from day one. i feel like people think ive sold him a lie. he knew everything and said he was fine and if he wasn't fine he should have said so from the start and not gotten involved.

[BendyLikeBeckham]

OP, you sound very level headed and a great mum (and ex gf). This Jon sounds a bit selfish. You putting your baby's childhood first is the best thing, and far more important than any man who wants to date you. He isn't right for you. Maybe a guy who already has kids (and who is a decent father
I would add) would understand better.

[TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre]

oh and seeing as i know him and see him with both his daughters and you don't, im going to ignore the "hes not a perfect dad" because he is as close to perfect as you can get

And I think herein lies the problem. Nobody is going to measure up to James. You are not ready to accept that you are not a unit. I know plenty of people who are have good relationships with their exes. I know families who are separated but who are still on very good terms. I think you are not ready for dating yet because you are not ready to sideline James in favour of a new man.

The day will come when you are happy to, but you're not ready yet.

Out of interest, has he taken your baby for overnights alone yet?

[Corbynputcatinpigeon]

Hello OP, Were you 17 when you started having unprotected sex with 29 year old James ... and was his Daughter just under a year old at the time ...

[Limbicsystem]

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre
i definitely think i was a bit spoiled for a first properly long term relationship with him, i don't think many guys will measure up to him, no.

Yes, he has her whenever he can now and mostly overnight unless it doesn't work with his/my schedule. the longest hes had her is two days but that was because i was a mess and begged him to bring her back so that's my fault. shes very fussy, she wont settle at my mums or my sisters overnight still so its kind of a blessing really. and like i said, he only slept over because she refused a bottle and boobed constantly CONSTANTLY for so long (i did not realise it was so hard).

@Corbynputcatinpigeon no, Im 24 at the beginning of April and his daughter is 7 in march (i did put nearly 7 somewhere). we were together almost 4 years, i rounded it up, and i didn't meet her for a year.

i don't know why youre stressing the unprotected sex so much either, clearly im either not enough of a slut to have some stranger over but too much of a slut for not using a condom with my boyfriend of multiple years.

[Limbicsystem]

can i change my username to Shroedingers Slut at all? seems apt.

[JKScot4]

@limbic
I have no issue with men, as previously mentioned I have a great relationship with my exDH. Your continuous fawning over your ex is quite sad really because he is as close to perfect as you can get keep saying you ended it but that was because no compromise was to be made, if he wanted the best for his DD he would take his other ex to court and not bow to her blackmail, so he didn’t try very hard to be with your DD he’s put his ex and other child before you. You’ll not have another relationship u til you take him off his pedestal as I doubt anyone else will tolerate that.

[TheRealShatParp]

OP I think your ex may be pulling the wool over your eyes a little bit. Why on earth would he not take his ex to court? He’s allowing his ex to control his life and his decisions, at the expense of his second daughter? What kind of dad does that? Does he honestly think that he won’t have access to his first daughter if he took his ex to court? Have you ever considered that he may be using it as an excuse?

I don’t mean to be harsh, OP. You sound like you’ve got your head screwed on and you’re trying to do the best for your daughter. But take your ex off the pedal stool you’ve put him on. He’s really having his cake and eating it, isn’t he. A part time dad to two daughters.

Do what you think is best for YOUR daughter. Not James, not Jon and not your ex’s other daughter.

[TheRealShatParp]

Oh Jesus, I actually wrote pedal stool 🤦‍♀️

[JKScot4]

@real
I did 🤣🤣 at that

[Limbicsystem]

@JKScot4
she stops access. he sends a solicitors letter. she restarts access with an excuse like her phone broke. He has been advised by his solicitors and even a department within his job that there is very little he can do.

hes no more a part time dad than anyone working 60+ hours per week, like a doctor, a vet, farmers, military, a number of government jobs or even a factory worker doing overtime. youre just being reductive because you have some odd little vendetta against what ive said. its not fawning over him bcause i refuse to agree with someon who doesn't know me or him.

[Bluntness100]

Op, I think it's right to end it with Jon.

With James I think you're still in love with him and in denial about it, the things you're writing, he's brilliant, no other man will measure up to him etc, I tell men immediately about him. These are not the words of a coparent, these are the words of someone in love.

[PickleMyPepper]

Your daughter is very young, as are you.
Whilst you've such a close relationship with her father and his daughter, it's best you refrain from dating completely. If only to save yourself from the inevitable.

No new man is going to (or should) accept you choosing, and it is you choosing, to spend what is a romantic day (whether you partake or not) with your ex partner - because his daughter wants you there.
It sounds like a feeble excuse, even if it isn't in your case.

Nor will they appreciate hearing you fawn over him, putting him on a pedestal and justifying it as the 'mature thing to do.'

You're going to have to explore your feelings towards your ex. It seems like you'll never find anyone to match up to him in your eyes - which doesn't bode well for any future relationships.

Focus on your degree and your daughter for now.

[TheRealShatParp]

It’s not quite the same though, is it. He shows up as and when he can and gets all the fun parts of being a parent. He doesn’t have to make compromises and sacrifice things in order to balance his work with his children. If he’s too busy or has made plans then he just says so and problem solved. He has it good. You’ve said yourself that you’re defensive, which is clearly the case, but it’s seriously clouding your judgement.