me, my ex and a new man?

[Limbicsystem]

Hi,
my sister pointed me to this forum so I hope it ok to write here.

here goes, I am a single mum to a 15mo girl, me and her dad (james)separated before she was born but we get on great, hes an amazing dad and is really supportive to me. we often do things together when hes around because he works away a lot amd seeing the baby is a priority wit him.

recently I started chatting to a guy I met ona night out. hes really nice, he has no problems with me gushing about the baby and is understanding that I cant drop everything and see him. im busy a lot with university and the baby so we haven't seen eachother much but we talk every day. ill call him jon

anyway. that's the background.

earlier this week *jon messaged me and said he would like to take me out on valentines night. I said that's really nice and would see if James would take the baby overnight if hes free. I texted James and he said he had made plans with thegirl hes seeing so I messaged jon right back and explained. Jon seemed ok but then he asked what i was doing in the day and I told him I was spending it with james.

fwiw this has been planned since before I knew jon and its not romantic at all, we just do things like this with the baby becaue its nice, he is bringing his older daughter and we are going to lunch and then soft play or swimming.

after that he finished the conversation pretty quickly and then didn't message me back the rest of the day. I called him out on it the next day because instead of the usual 10/15 messages he had only replied to one with K. totally unlike him.
after a bit of poking he admitted that he thinks its weird that im spending the day with my ex and that he doesn't think im interested in him. I told him I really am and he said im always busy and making excuses to see him (im studying really hard at the moment too!!!) and that hes nt going to pursue someone who doesn't feel the same. he also said he doesn't know anyone who sees their xes the way I do and that he didn't comment on it before but that hes developed feelings for me now and thinks I probably just wan to get back with james.

Im really upset about this but at the same time im actually really annoyed hes said this to me. weve only seen eachother a couple of times, haven't slept together and he knew I was busy from the beginning, im also not going to push my daughters dad away because of jealous men, that's what james ex has done, and did to me throughout our relationship she caused trouble bbecause she was jealous of me, and it really hurts him.

I asked a couple of my friends but none of them have kids yet so don't really think its weird but my sister and mum both say it IS weird and that I should be putting myself and this guy first if I like him.

im so lost. I don't know whether im being an awful person or im just weird?

[Limbicsystem]

@PickleMyPepper i agree that ive let myself be baited by the troll, she seems like a very angry person and ive allowed that to bother me which is ridiculous and silly.

i do see my ex as a normal man, ive only replied to questions asked on here honestly and not let him be bashed. he would do the same for me, the thought of someone saying they pity my child (based on less words than ive written in essays today), that they have never met is just bizarre.

I don't want to date. Jon is messaging me quite a bit trying to change my mind and im tempted to send him a link to this, because this was what i thought all along really and i should have just said no when i first met him. i naively got caught up in a bit of excitement after two rubbish encounters with crap men and it was quite nice to find one who could pronounce my very Irishly spelled name (i had a name badge) ad didn't call me Emily, ebony or Eva all night.

[Kirkman]

I can guarantee no one would fall over themselves to apologise if they knew what his job was.

Op look at valentines evening. He made plans. He didnt need to consider you or his child. The assumption was you would be having her.

For you to make plans you needed to ask him if he could do you favour.

That is a part time parent. Parents who re doctors or in the army, when home wouldnt just make plans without consulting the other parent.

It appears he can plan to see your child whenever he wants, but also has the freedom to plan his social life without consulting you.

It is very obvious you are still in love with him. And I cant work out why you arent together. You describe him as a wonderful man, who you care about and enjoy spending time with. Yet, for some inexplicable reason, you arent with him. And you ended it.

[Limbicsystem]

@Kirkman, apologise is probably optimistic, but they would probably feel a bit guilty for calling him a bad dad.

I always have her friday nights, we go to a paid for baby group on Saturday mornings.

im not in love with him any more no, but i do love him, of course. weve had a baby and shared a monumental life events together i don't think those feeling will go away. That doesn't mean i want to re-enter our relationship again. ive explained why as clearly as i can.
If it was meant to be it would be and it isn't but that doesn't mean im going to cast him aside.

[AmelieTaylor]

Please print this thread off and one day, when you’ve grown up a bit, give it another read.

Being so conceited & cock sure of yourself and so dismissive of everyone else, really just shows how much growing up you still have to do.

I wish you well, but I fear you’ll have some nasty bumps along the way when the reality of Disney Dad hits home. When you’re fed up of him doing as he pleases when you’re ‘responsible parent’ 24/7/365 And when James is in a serious relationship with someone he is prepared to stand up to his ex over & when he puts you in line behind her too, then you’ll be wondering why you danced to his tune for so long.

But still, you’re not interested in hearing it right now, so...🤷🏻‍♀️

[AmelieTaylor]

Curious to know though what James does that would make us all put him up on a pedestal too... I really can’t think of a single thing. Even if he’s a neo natal heart surgeon I can’t see what difference it makes.

[Marshmallow91]

You sound like a fantastic role model, and human being - as does your daughters' dad.

To hell with this new guy, he's not worth the effort. Just continue as you are and eventually the right man will come along if that's what you want.

In the meantime, may I suggest a penpal or something similar?. It'd give you someone to talk to, but more at your own time and less invasive?

[Hannahmates]

YABU. I get that you want to spend time with your daughter but a lot of men would not be OK with this arrangement. Why can't you leave your daughter with her Dad for one day? As she grows older she's going to want to spend time alone with her father to bond. So yes, get used to not dating much for a few years.

[Kirkman]

apologise is probably optimistic, but they would probably feel a bit guilty for calling him a bad dad.

I dont want to sound patronising. But he does leave a quite a bit to be desired. He is a part time dad. I come from a big family. We have all sorts of set ups. Big, small, step, some cousins have children with more than one person. Many of us travel for work. I have cousins in army, MSF and some who just travel for business. I travel for work myself. I grew up with a dad who was a senior police officer and often wasnt home.

Non of them just organise themseleves a night out, when at home without consulting the other parent.

James works away alot, so doesnt have the responsibility then. And when he is home he is still free to plan his social life without consulting anyone. That is a part time parent.

I am not sure wether you are just very young in your thinking or just so in awe of him you are coming across as naive and a almost star struck.

If a man can afford to take extended paternity leave when he has a child he absolutely should. That's not something that's amazing or makes him special. Were you special for taking MAT leave? For putting effort in for your newborn?

I mean either he took and unpaid break or you shared mat leave with him? Parents do this all the time. I took a 6 month break 2 years ago. My kids were older but personal circumstances meant they needed me.

James isnt a mythical creature. He isnt doing anything that shouldnt be classed as bare minimum.

Which nights, when he is back, does he always have the baby? That you can just plan something. So (for an example) 3 weeks on wednesday you know he is back and he will be having the baby, so you can plan an evening out without consulting him?

And dont say you cant plan that far in advance, because he clearly can. It's not equal.

If you are happy with the set up, crack on. That's all that matters. But it doesnt mean people arent right when saying he isnt an amazing parent.

[Dipi79]

@JKScot4, your responses to the OP are unnecessarily vitriolic. 🙄

[Limbicsystem]

@Kirkman
im not saying hes as wonderful as other people are making out just because i refuse to drag him, people seem to be missing the fact that i didn't continue our relationship because there are issues there, i think theres a lot of overexaggeration there, and from a few other people, but im just not going to slag him down.
He organised valentines night, that's the first time hes properly socialised in a while and that's with a woman hes seeing (ive had far more nights out than he has since our baby was born) on a night i always have our daughter.

planning wise, i have my schedule with school, the babies activities and study, which rarely changes and he works around that mostly. the nature of his job means he can be called away at the drop of a hat which happens occasionally, its not always overseas but he does otherwise have a normal work schedule and anything outside of that i get in advance.

im at uni mon to wed, shes normally with james in the day then,, i have her back to sleep on Tuesdays because i struggle a bit wit the separation though i am working on that. I then sometimes have half study days on Thursdays and sometimes Fridays where she either goes to my mums or james and i let them argue the toss over that lol. she stays with me Friday night as james has Layla, then saturday afternoon till sunday midday she spends with James and Layla and comes back for sunday lunch because we have that as a family at my mums and james usually has to take Layla home.

unless of course, he is away. or Layla is having a difficult time, which it no issue at all. and my mum/sister/brother help me out.

[Limbicsystem]

Qnd i will just point out because im sure the perfect parents here who are soooo much wiser than me will have something to say about it, nut i know that struggling to not see my baby isn't healthy and i am working on it. but you do have to understand that i went from being told very young i would never have kids as a fact, going through giving that and then finally accepting it, planning my life so i got some kind of positive out of it, then miraculously falling pregnant and all of a sudden seeing alittle heartbeat, feeling kicks and then holding my own little baby. even though i was very poorly, it took me a long time to actually let go of her. when she cries it physically hurts and feels like my chest is breaking.

Its got nothing to do wth not trusting James or doubting him as a dad, its my issue and a couple of the mums at group who have breastfed babies feel the same and haven't even had nights away from their babies yet, so i don't think its abnormal as people have made out and Jamees doesn't get a choice in that, not that he would force me to do anything against my will anyway.

[travellerist]

i did get a reply from Jon, its pretty long winded, all his mates think hes being an idiot, girls like me don't come along very often

I think Jon needs to get new mates because their advice is piss poor.

Why would you be an idiot for not pursuing someone who already has kids, a complex relationship with their ex, no desire for marriage and limited time (due to kids, ex, uni) vs another single person?

No matter how good looking or great someones's banter is on those first few days you'd have to be insane to take on that amount of baggage when you have no real investment yet. Dating is suppose to be fun early on not exhausting. If those girls don't come along very often then my advice would be when they do give them a wide berth.

[TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre]

travellerist, I noticed that reply from OP yesterday and had a reply typed but deleted it.

I think OP you do live in a little fantasy land. You admit yourself you barely know Jon. You're not seeing him very long. You said you don't even consider him to be anywhere near being a boyfriend yet and now you are claiming "all his mates" think he's an idiot for walking away from someone who has their ex up on a pedestal.

Either he's lying, or you are exaggerating.

Either way I think it's best if you and Jon go your separates ways.

[Limbicsystem]

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre

i just typed what he sent me.

im confident all his mates didn't say that, obviously. i really didn't think random mums on a parenting forum would be so pedantic and facetious to be honest.

definitely get the feeling anyone who is content in their life and lord forbid remotely happy is in "fantasy land" and automatically gets a raw deal on his forum though, not just from my post, ive read through a few on here and it seems like a really unhappy and bitter vibe with completely uninformed judging throughout.

Ah well, Jon is no more.

[TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre]

it seems like a really unhappy and bitter vibe with completely uninformed judging throughout

I really hope you are not aiming that comment at anything I said to you, OP. I would ask you to reread my replies to you and point out where I have given off "an unhappy and bitter vibe"?

Yes, in this thread I have been on Jon's side. But I haven't slated you, or James as far as I'm aware. You post on a public forum you are going to get people making judgement calls on the words you post. As readers we only feta snapshot, so we reply to a snapshot.

My whole assertion throughout this thread is Jon has the right to decide what makes him happy in a relationship and to be in the type of relationship that makes him happy.

You walked away from the relationship with the father of your child, because despite loving him and thinking he is Mr. Perfect ultimately you weren't happy. That is completely your right. Similarly, Jon might have thought you were great (even "all his mates" might have thought you were great!) but ultimately he knew he wasn't going to be happy. And to have people on here calling him selfish for making that call in very early days of the relationship before it got deeper, before feelings got involved, I think he is to be commended. Too many people playing d along pretending to be ok with things they are not OK with. Or settling for something that doesn't make them happy because they feel they SHOULD be happy and accepting about everything.

Jon made the right call.

You'll find someone more compatible with you and Jon will find someone more compatible for him.

[Limbicsystem]

@Dipi79

its ok. i think some of the people on this forum actually want the people they are targeting their nastiness at to have some sort of breakdown or something. can you imagine being the type of person to repeatedly try to tear down someone elses life, whom you have never even met? even to suggest their child will have a terrible life?

i cannot imagine ever having the audacity to tell someone that i didn't know something as terrible as that. im sure its easy to act the bully behind a screen, but those people should take a long hard look in them mirror and get some help.

[Limbicsystem]

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre

Jon hasn't made any calls. He still wants to date and has said sorry and that he was unreasonable. ive told him i don't think i can give him what he wants, hes still objecting now.

i have made the call for him. not because i have "baggage" (thank you for whoever decided to refer to my daughter after everything i have said about her on here, you are an awful person) bu because Ive come to the realisation that i don't want to settle or force anyone else to.

if im single forever then fine, id rather that than be in relationships like ive read about in this group where partners don't even bother to help their wives or look after their own children. im quite content with my lot.

[KarmaStar]

You appear a really hard working loving mum who wants to maintain a friendly relationship with your babies dad which is great.
Jon is clearly a man who really likes you and respects you.
You have years yet to meet me men yet the years with your child fly by and once they start school they begin growing and enjoying friendships etc.
All I'd say,because I think you're doing brilliantly,is remember yourself in all this.
Don't lose who you are when being a mum daughter,student etc.if you get the chance to have a few hours out with a nice man or a friend,take it.or even spend it on your own relaxing.

[TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre]

"Baggage" doesn't refer to your daughter. It refers to everything else going on in your life!

And I think you have now turned this around to make it out like you've made a choice. Jon, in your first post, expressed doubts about continuing the relationship because he wasn't sure about being in a relationship with someone who (he felt) wasn't over their ex.

You were a bit annoyed by this (the reason you started a thread).

People pointed out that Jon has a point.

You messages him saying you're sorry for how things had turned out and if he wanted to meet up with you any other day you would.

He messages back that he would.

You messaged back to tell him it wasn't going to work out and you weren't ready to date yet.

Jon tried to finish with you. You offered another chance. He took it. Then you finished with him.

Most people would call that headwrecking behaviour.

But in your bubble, you and James are totally right and everyone else is being unreasonable.

Good luck, OP. Nobody is ever going to say anything that will make you consider your own actions in any of this.

[HeresMe]

You seem a great mum and I won't take that away from you.

But you definitely have unresolved issues with your ex even if you don't acknowledge it, you pretty much describe him as perfect (you will deny this) when it's clear there is reasons that he isn't, he has two kids to two different women and possibly working on a third with another, he doesn't put his kids first and puts his job first.

You need to clear up your feelings about James before you contemplate dating again.

Jon needs to find someone who is a better fit for him as he sounds like a nice guy.

[insideoutsider]

I agree with the person who advised that you print / download this thread - I add that you read it in about 2 years.

Let's forget about Jon.

James is dating and it's good enough to be taking her out on Valentine's night without needing to check with you. It's almost as though he KNOWS that you won't have plans and if you did, you'd cancel them. Also, he's hardly ever around but he has time to date.

It's wonderful to have a great relationship with your daughter's dad. However, you still seem to be looking at you and him as being in a 'family unit'. You might want to check with yourself (not for reply) why you should be there on that day with him as though he was your partner and you had 2 kids. Yeah, I read that the 6yr old asked you to come. Lot's of us know that you don't say yes to a child except you really want to go (even one that is begging very hard). It's healthier that they spent the day together, isn't it?

Finally, can you imagine what it would be like when he gets serious with someone who would love him to spend time with his daughter but wants none of this 'family unit' business or special days with you and he chooses her, because he gets her point?

I'm sure you're a great mom. Maybe he's a great dad. But James is not your partner. He's not your anything. He's the father of your child. It might be a good idea to start putting some healthy boundaries in.

Good luck!

[Limbicsystem]

James told me to piss off at the spa day request so he is dead to me now.

[TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre]

Maybe you have time to see Jon on Valentine's Day after all.

[HeresMe]

James told me to piss off at the spa day request so he is dead to me now.

I know you are joking but why would you even ask someone you aren't seeing this.

Your lines are blurred.