me, my ex and a new man?

[Limbicsystem]

Hi,
my sister pointed me to this forum so I hope it ok to write here.

here goes, I am a single mum to a 15mo girl, me and her dad (james)separated before she was born but we get on great, hes an amazing dad and is really supportive to me. we often do things together when hes around because he works away a lot amd seeing the baby is a priority wit him.

recently I started chatting to a guy I met ona night out. hes really nice, he has no problems with me gushing about the baby and is understanding that I cant drop everything and see him. im busy a lot with university and the baby so we haven't seen eachother much but we talk every day. ill call him jon

anyway. that's the background.

earlier this week *jon messaged me and said he would like to take me out on valentines night. I said that's really nice and would see if James would take the baby overnight if hes free. I texted James and he said he had made plans with thegirl hes seeing so I messaged jon right back and explained. Jon seemed ok but then he asked what i was doing in the day and I told him I was spending it with james.

fwiw this has been planned since before I knew jon and its not romantic at all, we just do things like this with the baby becaue its nice, he is bringing his older daughter and we are going to lunch and then soft play or swimming.

after that he finished the conversation pretty quickly and then didn't message me back the rest of the day. I called him out on it the next day because instead of the usual 10/15 messages he had only replied to one with K. totally unlike him.
after a bit of poking he admitted that he thinks its weird that im spending the day with my ex and that he doesn't think im interested in him. I told him I really am and he said im always busy and making excuses to see him (im studying really hard at the moment too!!!) and that hes nt going to pursue someone who doesn't feel the same. he also said he doesn't know anyone who sees their xes the way I do and that he didn't comment on it before but that hes developed feelings for me now and thinks I probably just wan to get back with james.

Im really upset about this but at the same time im actually really annoyed hes said this to me. weve only seen eachother a couple of times, haven't slept together and he knew I was busy from the beginning, im also not going to push my daughters dad away because of jealous men, that's what james ex has done, and did to me throughout our relationship she caused trouble bbecause she was jealous of me, and it really hurts him.

I asked a couple of my friends but none of them have kids yet so don't really think its weird but my sister and mum both say it IS weird and that I should be putting myself and this guy first if I like him.

im so lost. I don't know whether im being an awful person or im just weird?

[Bluntness100]

I'd also say op your sister and mother, as well as Jon, have all recognised your feelings, even if you don't.

Until you can stop seeing your ex through rose tinted glasses, prioritising him when he wishes to see you, and speaking of him in such love struck terms, it's likely better you refrain from dating.

[Limbicsystem]

@TheRealShatParp

Hes been to court, he has a very comprehensive agreement set up. That doesn't mean she doesn't refuse contact which in turn affects his daughter awfully.

i really don't think hes having any cake, he has very little time to himself outside of a very hard going and stressful job and then has been known to hop off the plain, drive to his exes to see his daughter, drive to my mums to see the baby and then pass out from jetlag once they go to bed. some f the places he works are like hell, id want a weeks holiday afterwards personally.

i had o have root canal surgery last year and it wiped me out so much i took leave from uni and my mum came over for most of the week. sometimes i don't know how he does it.

[Runmybathforme]

I do get your point, but Valentine’s Day is supposed to be a romantic time, for lovers, not family time. I don’t think your new guy is being immature. I think perhaps he feels your relationship with your ex is a little too cosy.

[Limbicsystem]

he makes more sacrifices than i do and he pays his exes mortgage because she wont work and he wants his daughter to live in a nice area with a good school and he provides wnough financial support for me to enable me to comfortably study full time so i don't know what sacrifices youre on about but we are doing great. its not like he spends his life jetsetting to paradise and popping in occasionally to see a child when he wants to lol.

@Bluntness100 my mum would tell anyone who listens that she wishes i would marry James, who wouldn't want their daughter to marry someone who makes her happy? im pretty sure if my mum where 15 years younger shed take a crack at him herself, im surprised my sister (or my brother) haven't tbh lol. that doesn't mean im going to. saying that im lovestruck because i wont make up problems just to slag off an ex is childish.

[JKScot4]

Why is his ex making access conditional on him living in her town yet he seems to work abroad?
Carry on falling over yourself to defend a man who has walked away from 2 kids and prioritises one over the other.
It doesn’t matter how often you say you broke it off, he could have changed, done his best to be with you.
If you’re happy with the crumbs you and your DD get from this saint, I feel
sorry for your DD; forever 2nd best 😞

[Dipi79]

YANBU and I think it's great you're maintaining a positive relationship with James. Jon is NBU in having these feelings, but, like you said, you've only just started seeing him. Valentine's Day is just another day and I think you said you made these plans before he came along? To me, it sounds like you have a healthy perspective. Xx

[AmelieTaylor]

earlier this week jon messaged me and said he would like to take me out on valentines night. I said that's really nice and would see if James would take the baby overnight if hes free. I texted James and he said he had made plans with thegirl hes seeing so I messaged jon right back and explained. Jon seemed ok but then he asked what i was doing in the day and I told him I was spending it with james*

You really need to look at your own language & behaviour. Stop blaming Jon for not understanding & not being mature.

[ButtonandPickle19]

Ignore people’s bitter point of view of your ex. He sounds brilliant and it’s just a bit sad that it can’t work out. Who knows what the future looks like. Getting pregnant definitely makes you evaluate what you want from a relationship and it sounds like you made a mature decision. Families come in all shapes and sizes these days, yours is just working out what it looks like.

But it will take a very special and a very mature man/woman to join either of you - but they are definitely out there! (I’m looking at mine as we speak.. )

[TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre]

Christ OP, please don't date. Until preferably James has married and settled down with 3 or 4 more kids. You think you mother, sister and brother ("lol" 🙄) are all in love with him. I know you're trying to make a joke of it, but I think you are probably being more serious than you want to admit.

Previous posters are right, he gets to be a part time Dad. He doesn't have to arrange babysitting to go out any night. He just goes. He doesn't have to run arrangements past you. You are the custodial parent so it all falls to you. He is the part time Dad, so he decides when he visits.

Jon is 100% in the right to back off. I'm not surprised he didn't reply to your message. He knows there's no point. If he asked advice from his friends they would tell him you are ckeaely still very much in love with your ex. They would even question if you've actually broken up or not. He would be told plenty more fish in the sea who won't make him feel he's an option if all else fails. And they would almost certainly be told you'd just fk with his head and keep him on his toes competing with the "perfect" ex.

[Ihaveamind]

I just wanted to say you sound like you've got it all sorted. An amicable co-parenting relationship, studying something your obviously interested in if a Phd is a plan and a child you thought you'd never have!
I think you should continue as you are, being honest with men who approach you about your life and priorities and definitely continue the no strangers in your house rule!
I know it must feel sad that Jon is not as ok with your situation as he led you to believe. It's made you feel that no man will be which is not true.
It could take a good few years if you are meeting men your own age, as most of them aren't interested in single mothers full stop.
But by the time your daughter is begging to be allowed go on sleepovers there will be a much bigger pool of men who either have a child/children so understand your priorities or don't want children and will be glad you have one past the baby stage. Hang in there and keep going out dancing while you have the energy 😉

[Limbicsystem]

@TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre well hes had a vasectomy and doesn't believe in marriage (neither do i, another reason we worked so well) so ill be waiting a long time.

For anyone who is interested, i did get a reply from Jon, its pretty long winded, all his mates think hes being an idiot, girls like me don't come along very often, he was being insecure, he should have planned it better but was nervous, doesn't want to lose what we have before its started, meant to text back but didn't because he didn't know what to say. he ended it by asking for a second chance and an anti valentines date the week after next.

I have replied that i don't think i can give him what he wants and hes going to have to make sacrifices to be with me that he wouldn't have to make with other women and that i also don't think im in the position to invest time into dating right now either.
ended with youre a really lovely man and this isn't a reflection on you at all.

[aSofaNearYou]

Just wanted to say that I don't at all disagree with your decision not to have him stay over, but you have also said that you're not willing to give up any time with your daughter by leaving her with her dad, so you must see that you therefore have no room in your life to date, even setting aside the emotional issues. It's not a Jon problem, it's a you not having/choosing to make space in your life for any partner problem. If you want to date and you want it to be away from your daughter, then you will simply have to have a different contact agreement.

[Limbicsystem]

@ButtonandPickle19 awww, that's so cute.
dating isnt something i need right now, i met Jon on a hen night so not prowling for a man. im quite happy by myself but it was quite nice to have that, i don't know how to put it, excitement maybe, again. im harbouring a crush on one of my tutors but that's not really the same.

[Limbicsystem]

@Ihaveamind
thank you, im really trying and i have a lot of support. im really lucky to have my family close by, im lucky my daughter has a dad whos only crime is having a job (which has already put enough in her savings account to put her through uni) and hopefully when shes older ill have progressed in my education, hopefully be self employed and earning a good wage and showing her that she doesn't need to settle for the first guy who tells her he likes her. we have a really nice life.

youre right about the age thing, my dad was 10 years older than my mum, my brothers boyfriend is around 15 years older than him, but that seems totally acceptable in their community, and my sister tends to date older, so maybe ive picked that up from them and dated older so im used to being with someone in their thirties who have different priorities. i feel like men my own age aren't going to have thought about the implications of never having kids or step parenting, and as this week proved that.

[Limbicsystem]

@Dipi79
yeah, Jon wasn't anywhere near being a boyfriend. we haven't even slept together yet and that wouldn't have happened valentines anyway.

and if anything this post has provided some hilarious screenshots for James, ive demanded a spa weekend for my birthday because im tired of living off his crumbs lmao.

[Limbicsystem]

@aSofaNearYou
James had the baby for all my previous dates with Jon. this is the first time ive told Jon i cant see him and its nothing to do with James, or seeing James.
Jon has been unavailable for several occasions ive suggested due to ruby and a quiz night with his flatmates and he works 9-5 weekdays whereas im usually free in the day.

My mums a ward matron so she cant just swap shifts willy nilly, especially when shes working the valentines night as an extra shift for someone else, and any other day the rest of my family probably wouldn't have plans, so its not a case of prioritising James over anything, its just bad timing.

[JKScot4]

ive demanded a spa weekend for my birthday because im tired of living off his crumbs
Crumbs means crumbs of time/attention 🙄
Honestly you’re so far up his arse I’m surprised you can do anything.
It’s quite sad how desperate you are to appease him and idolise him, pity your wee girl, she’ll be a very confused child.

[Limbicsystem]

Appease him? i don't do anything for him. he took extended paternity leave to be my live in slave and has our daughter whenever he can so i don't know why youre still flogging that horse. if we lived together he would see her exactly the same amount of time. actually much less because he would have to demote and commute from London, so hed leave before she woke up and be home after she goes to bed.
id love to tell you what his job is because you would be falling over yourself to apologise for how nasty you've been. and like i said, i bet you wouldn't tell a doctor or a soldier that they are a shit parent either, its just easy to be vile to people on the internet.

Pity away, that says more about you. but at least, my daughter wont be growing up with a hateful mummy or weird 1940s standards towards men.

[aSofaNearYou]

I get that, but you seemed to find the suggestion that you could have let your ex do the daddy daughter date without you to go on a date with Jon laughable because why should you give up any time with your daughter for him. It's only one day, but you have repeatedly scoffed at the idea of making even that much time for him. I get that you've just met him, and that you didn't mislead or pursue him, but that mentality just will not be compatible with being in a new relationship. Not least because the lack of care that he is having to make sacrifices for you which is presumably evident from the way you speak to him about it, is hurtful, and would be keenly felt in a long term relationship. Again, I know that you have only just begun seeing him and your attitude might change in a longer term relationship, but if it doesn't...

There's not a lot of point any of us going on at you, it's very clearly that you're totally convinced what you have going on is completely positive and appropriate. It might be for you and James and your daughter, but it isn't if you want to be in relationship. It isn't fair on that person. But it sounds like you've talked yourself out of dating, so for now at least nobody is being hurt.

[JKScot4]

@Limbicsystem
I wouldn’t be falling over myself for anyone’s job, seriously grow up.
Anybody that disagrees with you is nasty and hates men?
1940s? are you on glue? You’re the one worshipping a man who isnt with you.
Ive brought my daughters up to know their worth not be a desperado clinging onto a man.
Do you think if you convince yourself this is all perfect and your choice it’ll avoid you facing the fact he didn’t choose you?
You need to grow up and stop being so bloody childish and petty, nothing Ive said is hateful or nasty it just doesn’t agree with you.

[JKScot4]

To add, plenty soldiers and doctors are arseholes and shit parents 🙄

[Limbicsystem]

Going by your response ive obviously hit a nerve, im sorry things are rubbish for you, i genuinely am. i know they say that people who pick on others on the internet have troubles and i hope one day you find happiness.

fwiw im not a pick me, choose me girl anyway(if that's not obvious) and James is more of a season 14-16 Alex than a Derek.

(and he did pick me, how do you think i know what his demotion schedule would look like, bless)

[JKScot4]

Oh dear, you are hilarious 🤣🤣
Jog on with your amateur psychologist crap.
I’m happy and content and free to comment on a post from a silly wee girl who herself is trying to put the happy face on whilst lashing out and demeaning anyone who doesn’t buy your happy faking.
Good luck, you’ll need it 🤣🤣

[PickleMyPepper]

OP for someone so fixated on being 'mature' and 'grown up' you're doing a good job of acting like a child and lashing out at those with differing opinions.

You are never going to be able to move on and have a meaningful relationship with any man unless you take your ex off the pedestal and see him for what he is, a normal man.
It sounds like he's a good dad and supportive of you which is fantastic, but it doesn't make him a hero that no other man can match up to. It makes him a man who understands his responsibilities and owns them - that's all.
There's plenty of men out there that do that too.

I'm glad you've chosen not to date. It's not going to be fair on anyone if you do right now.

[TheRealShatParp]

OP, you’re not coming across very nice.
Why would anyone be falling over themselves apologising if we knew what job he had? Why on earth would that change my opinion? You’re being foolish.