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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband waking me up

156 replies

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 09/02/2020 08:11

Hi - I work , husband works , Saturdays we ( like a lot of people ) have football early for DS1 then afternoon for DS2 . I would like a lie in on Sunday mornings . Just till about 9 ish . Our children are old enough to get up , go downstairs and watch TV/ get their own breakfast / read . DH is not the best sleeper and Wales periodically through the night as is normal for him . He then , when he deems it a suitable time ie 715am ( 45 mins after my in the week get up time ) he ALWAYS wakes me up. AIBU to expect him to let me sleep in just for a bit even if he is awake ? Or am I being completely unreasonable ? I am prepared to be flamed but I assure you I am not lazy person and I am seeking genuine opinions . Many TIA

OP posts:

Sirzy · 09/02/2020 10:40

I always wake up first and unless we have some sort of plan where we need to get up wouldn’t dream of waking DP up. I get up and sit downstairs reading or watching tv until everyone else wakes up

thenightsky · 09/02/2020 10:41

I'd be booking myself into the nearest Premier Inn every Saturday night and putting my phone on silent/do not disturb.

Tomatogravy · 09/02/2020 10:42

I would tell him how rude and selfish he is! Controlling much !! Sounds like a toddler

MrsDoylesTeaBags · 09/02/2020 10:42

He's a selfish wanker OP and he's got you well trained. There is absolutely no need for his behaviour and it is not normal. He is dong it for his own reasons and not for yours or your childrens benefit.

Most weekends I wake up earlier than DH, usually I'm still a little tired but can't lay still so I'll come downstairs make myself a cuppa and watch TV / read a book. If I'm feeling more awake I'll drag on some trakkies and go for a walk. I would never dream of walking him up because I'm bored, he works hard all week and having a couple of hours on a weekend morning to recharge is ultimately more rewarding for family time than a tired, grumpy man being treated like a child.

TechnicalSergeantGarp · 09/02/2020 10:48

How does he wake you up? Does he nudge you? You need to be absolutely clear it is unacceptable.

When dc were little , a Sunday lie in was 11am. By that time, the later person had to be downstairs, showered and ready to take over. The earlier person had the same time back to do whatever (sleep, Netflix, anything). We did stuff on a Saturday and the Sunday rest was the only thing that kept us going all week. This scheduling wouldn't suit everyone but it saved many petty resentments for us.

DH started coming to bed really late and watching his phone which woke me up. I fall asleep immediately, it takes him ages. I wear an eyemask and he holds his phone so I can't see the light. If he'd rather not, he goes into the spare room.

I rise earlier and if I opened the curtains he'd kick off and rightly so.

It was eye-opening to me when we stayed at friends when the DC were all little. It was the DH's turn to get up and he opened the door of the downstairs room we were in so the noise would wake DW up.

I can't believe the guff about not wasting family time. Are the DC in bed with him?

EvaHarknessRose · 09/02/2020 10:48

He is using his anxiety to control you. What would your life be like if it was centred on your needs instead of his. What happens if you stop walking on eggshells around him? A breakdown I bet. He can get up and spend family time with his children and leave you to lie in.

Lilymossflower · 09/02/2020 10:49

He's acting like a child

If anyone tried to do that to me they would get shouted at to go away and would not see me leave my bed for a further 3 hours

Wonkywyebrows · 09/02/2020 10:52

his answer was - if you are tied u need to go to bed earlier . And the reason he wakes me up is because he literally doesn't want to waste any precious family time on a Sunday by lieing in

What utter bullshit. He doesn’t get to decide what you do with your time off and to dress it up as family time is an outright lie as he stayed in bed himself. You need to instruct him never to wake you up again, and to keep his ‘anxieties’ to himself until you’ve woken yourself.

pickletickled · 09/02/2020 10:54

So now he's trying to dictate what time you go to bed so that he can STILL control what time he deems fit to wake you.
He needs to be told to fuck off OP
What an arsehole.
I'm off work today, DH was on a night shift last night. He will have arrived home around 8.15.
He's made himself food, washed dishes. Showered, closed the noisy heavy blackout curtains in our room and got into bed beside me - all without me hearing a peep from him until I awoke myself at 9.30 and realised he was beside me. I haven't seen him for around 40 hours prior to this but because he is a caring, self sufficient adult and not a needy man child he did not/would not intentionally wake me up just to 'see' me or because he was he bored.
Your husband is a massive selfish dick!

Yes to sleeping in another room on the nights you'd like to sleep later the next morning.

chris8888 · 09/02/2020 10:57

How selfish, tell him he is not a child and he needs to listen to what you want. I find its the not listening that is so hard, it is a form of abuse so don`t put up with it.

KatyCarrCan · 09/02/2020 10:58

He's not your parent. You get to decide when you go to bed and when you get up. Do you have a spare room? Tell him, he's sleeping in there until he realises he is not the boss of the house and not in charge of how many hours you get to sleep.
Also, tell everyone eg his family, friends. 'Yes, so funny, MrMydog thinks he should dictate when I go to bed and get up. He thinks we live in an army barracks and he's the general...'

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 09/02/2020 10:59

The solution is you tell him to fuck off and stop waking you up. Stop letting him manipulate you.

Merlotmum85 · 09/02/2020 11:01

Massively selfish of him to wake you, totally unacceptable. Agree with PP though about gained time being offered back later on... otherwise the person getting up early ends up doing the childcare while the late night/sleep in person gets a massive chill out every week! Give and take etc.

LagunaBubbles · 09/02/2020 11:03

OP you're now minimising how bad this is, it sounds as if he's done a right number on you sadly.

cees · 09/02/2020 11:06

Tell him to fuck off on repeat, he does not get to dictate your lie in, as long as he has the same opportunity for one, weather he takes it or not.
I cant believe you haven't got angry and stopped this shit before he made it a routine.

Livelovebehappy · 09/02/2020 11:12

Have a clear and firm conversation with him. ‘I work hard all week, and I have earned a lie in on sundays. Unless the house is burning down do not wake me.’ Tbh it’s very controlling of him to decide when he feels you need to get up - I’d be fuming. You’re treated how you allow yourself to be treated, and if you allow him to dictate your bed times, then he will continue to do so.

TreestumpsAndTrampolines · 09/02/2020 11:35

his answer was - if you are tied u need to go to bed earlier . And the reason he wakes me up is because he literally doesn't want to waste any precious family time on a Sunday by lieing in

I get this to a point, but you're up every bloody morning, and Saturdays, and working some weekends. If you can't have a lie-in once a month, something that you want to do, then it's a poor state of affairs.

DP takes the kids out saturday morning and I have a lie-in (well, as long as I remember to put in the ear plugs). Sunday morning I don't give him a hard time about staying in bed, so we each have some completely undemanding time. It's fair, and very much needed.

I would say that I have been annoyed previously when DP has stayed up until late watching youtube, then wanted to lounge in bed every day until 12 while I sort the kids (young, but fairly well trained to get up and feed themselves until a reasonable hour) during holidays - so we spoke about it, and came to a fair arrangement.

Original poster

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 09/02/2020 11:40

Well it is very very interesting reading what arrangements othe couples have. Yes he is a bit of a man child and yes he has had control issues in the past but has greatly modified his behaviour in the last year or so . I feel this is a remnant of that exhibit ing itself . I do need to not be such a martyr and tell him in no uncertain terms. This is part of the reason when I work a weekend it is a short run of nightshifts that involve staying away from home for 3 days. I actually get a break from all the intensity . Anyway - I really am blown away by your great insights and opinions and am very grateful to each and every one of you taking time to post xxxx u are all amazing xx

OP posts:

MumW · 09/02/2020 11:44

And the reason he wakes me up is because he literally doesn't want to waste any precious family time
So why isn't he downstairs with you all enjoying a family breakfast. He's fobbing you off.
You need to put your foot down hard in his groin area and put a stop to his awful behaviour.

TinyPaws · 09/02/2020 11:46

Partner has just had a moan because I asked her a question just as she was drifting off into a nice nap on the sofa.

On the plus side she did (eventually) bring me breakfast in bed and do some household chores this morning.

She still maintains that she did not in fact wake me up this morning.

TinyPaws · 09/02/2020 11:48

OP glad you have found this thread helpful. Your husband's excuse that he doesn't want to miss any family time is lame and patronising (and hypocritical given that he went back to be?!?).

Original poster

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 09/02/2020 11:50

Tinypaws - feels like a double standard. Ultimately , u know the truth - she did deliberately open the blinds and of course that would wake you ! My husband just started asking me questions and getting a little but cross when I was not immediately awake . I am sorry your Sunday is a bit shit

OP posts:

Alonelonelyloner · 09/02/2020 14:23

Gosh he is an arse.

My STBExH used to do this, by coming in and offering me a cup of tea. Waking me to offer me tea! What a knob.

CodenameVillanelle · 09/02/2020 14:26

Yes he is a bit of a man child and yes he has had control issues in the past but has greatly modified his behaviour in the last year or so . I feel this is a remnant of that exhibit ing itself

Lovely, these aren't remnants, this is ongoing controlling behaviour. What did he do to recognise and address is controlling behaviour previously?

AuditAngel · 09/02/2020 15:07

Oh dear. I was cheesed if as DH went away in the early hours of this morning. He asked me to wake him at 3. I set my alarms for him. After the third time of me mentioning it was time for him to get up, he told me he was waiting for his alarm to go off? Of course, this really disturbed my night, but it is once in a year (and I now have 4 husband free nights to enjoy).

I am the one who never oversleeps or sleeps in (Hence asked to wake him up!) but on the one day I year he gets up first, he will leave me to sleep/deliver lemsip!

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