Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Uninvited from party

128 replies

whattheactualreally · 08/02/2020 17:42

I have a very flakey friend (A) who has form for making constant excuses not to meet up, not even for a quick coffee. She's never said yes to play dates for her and my daughters (similar ages) so they haven't seen each other for two years. I last saw her six months ago. She never texts to meet up, it's always me.

We have a joint friend who is utterly fed up of it too, and whom wasn't invited to friend A's big 40th bash despite knowing her since primary school.

This week I received a "save the date, invite and details to follow" text for friend A's DDs 11th birthday party. It was a pizza making party followed by a pool party at their (huge) house.

I replied the next evening saying thanks very much, it's in the diary and looking forward to receiving more details in due course.

The reply? "Hi hun, actually we have overbooked, the pizza people say it's a max of 20 and they won't go over that so because everyone else has said yes as well I'm afraid that your DD can't come now. So sorry" etc etc.

AIBU to think that (on top of crappy see-thru excuses never to meet up etc) that this is incredibly rude? I would never do that to someone.

I checked the pizza people's website - you can have another five kids for another £25.

If it were me I would have paid the extra £25 and sucked it up. They are not short of money at all so that's not likely to be the issue.

Or I would have said something like "I've been an idiot and overbooked the pizza part ...but would your DD like to come for the pool party straight after? So sorry to be a plonker."

But to uninvite her? She didn't even issue proper invites yet, it was just a save the date.

I think she invited DD by accident, perhaps she has another friend with the same name who was meant to get the text Angry and can't own up to it.

AIBU to call time on this one sided friendship?

OP posts:
Newschapter · 08/02/2020 21:26

Not disappointed at the withdrawal of the invite, but at the whole situation

MovingBriskyOn · 08/02/2020 21:40

A "save the date" for a party for an 11 yr old?????????

Missing the point of the thread (PPs have already said it anyway), but ShockShockShock

LatteLady · 08/02/2020 21:43

Can I suggest you send the following text:

"Thank you for your text, however I have been reviewing my friendship group, checking whose company I enjoy, who has let me down and who is a genuine friend. I regret to say you have not made the cut. So this will be the last you hear from me, I hope you have a pleasant life."

And then block... after she responds...

painintheholeSIL · 08/02/2020 22:15

That is such a horrible thing to do. I wouldn't even bother to respond.

Bluntness100 · 08/02/2020 22:20

"Thank you for your text, however I have been reviewing my friendship group, checking whose company I enjoy, who has let me down and who is a genuine friend. I regret to say you have not made the cut. So this will be the last you hear from me, I hope you have a pleasant life

Please don't send this, she will share it with everyone she knows and laugh her socks off at you, it's the daftest thing I've ever read.

Just stop chasing to be her friend op. Let her ghost you. Leave it be. Xmas cards, the occasional "hi, we must catch up" and let it go.

Original poster
whattheactualreally · 08/02/2020 23:38

Right.
Am determined to stop being such a pitiful doormat.
I'm not the type to send a nasty text back, so will simply not reply at all.

Anyone want in on a bet about how long it will be if she (ever) texts me again?

I reckon it will be Christmas.

OP posts:
redcarbluecar · 08/02/2020 23:39

Agree with Bluntness. I’d think I’d had a lucky escape if someone sent me that text!

Beautiful3 · 09/02/2020 05:28

Thonk I would text back saying, "wow how rude, I will tell my daughter that she's now uninvited. Please dont contact me anymore."

SnoozyLou · 09/02/2020 05:45

I'm guessing she over-invites thinking not everyone would come, then they did. As pp said though, you'd just pay the £25 and keep quiet, not be a rude twat about it.

I wouldn't reply. Or send a Christmas card. She sounds like waste of space.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/02/2020 06:25

When / if she contacts you again, please ignore her. It’s really shit to treat an 11 yo this way. If you won’t distance yourself from her for you, you should want to do it for your child. Then once you’ve have some time to think, perhaps you need to work on why you would let people treat you so terribly badly.

mathanxiety · 09/02/2020 06:26

Your 'friend' lost me at a save the date for a child's pizza party.

What is the world coming to?

mathanxiety · 09/02/2020 06:27

I suggest you do send a text back -

"I see. Can we mutually agree that as of now we are on each others' B lists? It will save us both a good deal of faking."

eaglejulesk · 09/02/2020 06:44

She doesn't sound like a friend to me. I wouldn't bother contacting her again, it really is totally one-sided and I'm sure there are other friends who will appreciate you more than she does. I'm surprised she has any real friends if this is how she treats them!

springydaff · 09/02/2020 06:47

It's a hard lesson but some people don't have the same loyalty to friendships. It sounds like she's the sort of person who uses people for whatever she needs at any given time. I had a friend like this, she did it quite openly, I think she genuinely thought it was fine and what everyone does.

I also think she's been trying to shut the friendship down - you're no use to her? Go quietly op, you're clearly worth so much more than this xx

Juliette20 · 09/02/2020 06:49

I wouldn't send a text, I'd phone and tell her exactly what I thought of her.

Hopoindown31 · 09/02/2020 06:49

I suspect she won't even notice you not replying.

People like that are usually surrounded by others who allow their shitty behaviour and are unaware that anyone who won't stops being part of their lives.

SnoozyLou · 09/02/2020 06:59

Presumably if you block someone's number it says message undeliverable? I'd do this for next time she wants something.

I really wouldn't lower myself to pointing out her shoddy behaviour though. If she doesn't already know it won't do any good.

echt · 09/02/2020 07:02

Your "friend" is no friend.

And what kind of poncetastic twerp has save the date for a child's party? Delusions of grandeur or what?

Delete and block.

The4thSandersonSister · 09/02/2020 07:21

I think your confusing an actual friendship, with having known someone a long-time. Neither you, your DD or your other friend play any meaningful part in her and her DD life.

The invitation could have been simply a numerical safeguard to ensure the numbers in case her DD's actual friends could not attend. Sounds like they achieved the required numbers and your DD was no longer required to make up the numbers.

Don't give it any thought, and concentrate on building and maintaining real friendships. She has only silvered lip service and disappointment.

The4thSandersonSister · 09/02/2020 07:22
  • delivered lip service.
KatherineJaneway · 09/02/2020 07:32

I agree with Bluntness, do not send a text like that, it is so cringeworthy it is laughable.

As you said, simply don't reply and step away from this person. If you want to maintain a friendship you make the time to see each other or have some decent form of contact.

Nekoness · 09/02/2020 07:59

We do “save the date” thing here. Especially for birthdays that fall in the first week of school, during any school holidays or if you have a group of children with lots of activities on Saturdays.

It gives a good indication of how many people can make a potential day and feedback on the time before the parent books a venue/activity. It works much better than booking the pizza people only to find out half the kids invited can’t make that day/time and you’re inviting classmates and your friend’s kids to make up the numbers.

I think your daughter was on the B list of invites and you would have received an invite if one of the girl’s friends dropped out.

I also agree with another poster that it’s not about an extra £25 for the pizza party but rather 20+ children in a pool!!! Unless she’s hiring a lifeguard and has a very large pool, that’s way too many excited kids in an average backyard pool!

MrsWhisker · 09/02/2020 08:13

She's not flakey. She's a bitch.

She's not interested in you for whatever reason.

Please don't spend anymore headspace on her, wondering when she'll next text you.

If she does text you again, ignore. Just don't bother with her. People like this don't ever change.

IrmaFayLear · 09/02/2020 09:06

So, for the sake of interest, how should one end a friendship? Obviously in this case the pizza invite threw a spanner in the works, but do people really send a "goodbye" text or have a real life conversation when you feel like a friendship or acquaintanceship should drift? Why is there a need for a dramatic confrontation, when anyone with an ounce of self-awareness would interpret someone's lack of availability as an indication that you are no longer very close?

I honestly think that most people do the tinkly laugh, "Oh, we must meet up, ha ha ha" thing and then find you are busy... for ever. Like saying, "You must visit if you're ever in the area" which translates as the exact opposite.

ItsPeanutButterJelly · 09/02/2020 10:18

OP, you're not a "pitiful doormat" and you don't "need to get some self-respect". You're just giving someone you thought was a friend the benefit of the doubt, in error it seems.

Don't change your nature because of a shit friend. Yes, perhaps your lack of self-esteem or confidence is preventing you from laying blame at her door instead of yours but try not to let her bad behaviour make you feel even worse!

You don't need to send and dramatic texts or do anything to punish her, just mourn the loss of her as a "friend" and try to move on

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.