Uninvited from party

[whattheactualreally]

I have a very flakey friend (A) who has form for making constant excuses not to meet up, not even for a quick coffee. She's never said yes to play dates for her and my daughters (similar ages) so they haven't seen each other for two years. I last saw her six months ago. She never texts to meet up, it's always me.

We have a joint friend who is utterly fed up of it too, and whom wasn't invited to friend A's big 40th bash despite knowing her since primary school.

This week I received a "save the date, invite and details to follow" text for friend A's DDs 11th birthday party. It was a pizza making party followed by a pool party at their (huge) house.

I replied the next evening saying thanks very much, it's in the diary and looking forward to receiving more details in due course.

The reply? "Hi hun, actually we have overbooked, the pizza people say it's a max of 20 and they won't go over that so because everyone else has said yes as well I'm afraid that your DD can't come now. So sorry" etc etc.

AIBU to think that (on top of crappy see-thru excuses never to meet up etc) that this is incredibly rude? I would never do that to someone.

I checked the pizza people's website - you can have another five kids for another £25.

If it were me I would have paid the extra £25 and sucked it up. They are not short of money at all so that's not likely to be the issue.

Or I would have said something like "I've been an idiot and overbooked the pizza part ...but would your DD like to come for the pool party straight after? So sorry to be a plonker."

But to uninvite her? She didn't even issue proper invites yet, it was just a save the date.

I think she invited DD by accident, perhaps she has another friend with the same name who was meant to get the text and can't own up to it.

AIBU to call time on this one sided friendship?

Quite agree, CoffeeCoineseur. Sorry, OP, but it seems quite plain that she's been trying to shake you off. She isn't "flaky" if she just doesn't want to meet up. Flaky would be if you both arranged to meet up and then she didn't turn up or cancelled when you had already set out. If she doesn't want to be friends with you then you can't make her.

I had a friend who invited me to her birthday party. It was on another island. So it meant getting a ferry and lots of organisation.

She sent a text the hour after I’d booked it. Saying I’m feeling depressed. I’m going to cancel it (even though just before I’d booked. I checked it was all go). She explained it and said I’m so sorry. I’ll pay for your ferry tickets. Because I messed you around. It was over £100. I said oh. Ok. Strange. But thank you. Because my girls were so excited.

Fast forward a few weeks. She hadn’t paid. I thought to make it easier. She could put it in a different account. So it would be ok to do over online banking. She Said I was rude to even mention it. It turned into a big fuss. I tried to help her etc. But in the end I said we’ve got to stop talking as she was upsttting me so much.

I asked her outright in the end. She relied that she was never ever going to have the party and she was never going to repay me how I was an awful person I was. It was really nasty

I replied with I have young daughters. I teach my kids to follow certain morals. To be strong. Powerful. Don’t take crap from anyone. To be honest. Reliable. She was setting a bad example of what not to be for my children. So for that reason I didn’t want to know her

I blocked her. But she then text me some nasty message on my phone

Karmas a bitch though. Cos now everyone hates her. She showed her true colours to me first. But then to everyone else

This woman will lose her friends. Karma does happen

Just sit back and wait.

@CoffeeCoinneseur you're probably right. But she was happy to be all matey matey when she needed something really significant from me a couple of years ago.

I'd ditch and tell her so due to the final straw of shitty behaviour.

Piffle, Herringbone31. This woman accidentally sent a text to OP. Would it have been better if she had honoured the invitation? The dd probably has all her own friends there and OP's dd might be a spare part which would be awkward all round. What would your dc say if you said to them, "Sorry, dc, but I accidentally texted Herbert's mum about your party." Dc: "Oh, no, Mum! You didn't! I haven't seen Herbert for years - oh nooooooo!!!!!"

Don't reply, and stop contacting her. For whatever reason, she's less keen on you than you have been on her. You mention her large house etc. Is there any chance she feels pressure to keep up with her affluent circles and is avoiding you out of some idiotic sense of snobbishness?

'she was happy to be all matey matey when she needed something really significant from me a couple of years ago'

Well, you know what your (non-)response will be if/when this situation comes up again.

It seems like you were friends a long time ago and when you moved close to her you both thought you could pick that up again. But when you actually saw each other regularly she realised you weren’t really a good fit as friend anymore. Which is fine and really you should have picked up the hint a while ago, but this thing with the invite is really rude.

I am still struggling to get my head round 'save the dates' for an 11yo's birthday party. It's pizza and swimming, not a bloody wedding.

Sounds like she sent the text to you by mistake. Panicked when you replied and came up with that excuse. You'll probably find that someone else maybe asked if they could go to the party, she checked out the cost of extras so this information/excuse was fresh in her head.

She's not a real friend. I wouldn't be hanging on for her crumbs. She only needs and wants you if you are of benefit to her. If you do want her in your life then you are going to have to use her too, only be available when it suits you etc

Do not reply.

In fact I would block and delete her number to stop myself being tempted.

She clearly doesn't give a toss about your feelings. And you won't get the last word from anyone who thinks its ok to behave like that.

Rise above. Move on.

Out of interest did your dd want to go? At 11 friendships groups are quite established and unless your dd knows more in the group she might've felt like a spare part.

It’s bad enough that she would do it to you but do it to a child? Not good. X

She’s just not that into you. I would put money on the fact that she only meets up with you when she has nothing better to do. You deserve more from your friendships than to be a second class citizen.

OP this person is not your friend and from reading your replies, hasn't been for several years.

Her daughter is not your daughters friend, have they even met each other at an age when capable of forming a friendship?

Yes uninviting your child to the party was shitty, but would your child have really wanted to go somewhere where they would know no one? Sounds more like you were the one pleased to be invited.

Sit back and wait for someone to drop out, so there are no longer nice tidy groups of five. Will she drop other kids to make fifteen or might she invite yours to make up the numbers? If she does invite your child, you already know the answer!

You've dodged a right cock up there OP

I have never met an 11 year old who would willingly go to their mum's mate's kid's birthday party who they hadn't seen for 2 years and wouldn't know anyone.

Jeez that's incredibly rude. She's invited you all by mistake now wants out of it. I'd just kill this friendship now. Exchange Xmas cards if you must but leave it there.

OP, to confirm, did you actually OPEN the message (so probably leaving it saying "read" or double ticking) then reply the following email? Or at least go online somewhere (thinking whatsapp or whatever) so she knew you were around before you got time to reply to her?

Only reason I ask is maybe it was your delay thats annoyed her. I have a friend, we shall call her Elsa, who does this. If she invites you somewhere she expects an instant reply. Or at least a "i will check my diary". Ive witnessed in group chats other friends will read it and not reply. If Elsa sees you have read it and not replied she starts private messaging others about how rude it is and then will find a way to uninvite or "punish" the person for their rudeness. I have distanced in the past few years and now only meet up at large events.

sorry the following DAY not the following email.

I'd also agree, I can't see why your kids would wish to go, notoriously children do not wish to go to parties with other kids they don't know.

Was this more you wished to go?

I agree with others - your dds have not seen each other for two years! They probably wouldn't even recognise each other!

She is just ripe for ghosting.

How have you not realised that this woman doesn't want anything to do with you? She brushes off all your attempts to meet up, she never instigates a meet up. Have a bit of self respect and delete her number from your phone so you never contact her again.

She’s not your friend any more, you’re just an acquaintance to her, nothing more. She’s doing her best to ghost you, but you’re not getting the message. The invite to your DD was clearly a mistake, but her reaction was shitty. Why are you clinging on to someone who clearly doesn’t value you at all and never wants to see you? It’s sad when friendships end, but this one already has, you just haven’t realised it yet.