Uninvited from party

[whattheactualreally]

I have a very flakey friend (A) who has form for making constant excuses not to meet up, not even for a quick coffee. She's never said yes to play dates for her and my daughters (similar ages) so they haven't seen each other for two years. I last saw her six months ago. She never texts to meet up, it's always me.

We have a joint friend who is utterly fed up of it too, and whom wasn't invited to friend A's big 40th bash despite knowing her since primary school.

This week I received a "save the date, invite and details to follow" text for friend A's DDs 11th birthday party. It was a pizza making party followed by a pool party at their (huge) house.

I replied the next evening saying thanks very much, it's in the diary and looking forward to receiving more details in due course.

The reply? "Hi hun, actually we have overbooked, the pizza people say it's a max of 20 and they won't go over that so because everyone else has said yes as well I'm afraid that your DD can't come now. So sorry" etc etc.

AIBU to think that (on top of crappy see-thru excuses never to meet up etc) that this is incredibly rude? I would never do that to someone.

I checked the pizza people's website - you can have another five kids for another £25.

If it were me I would have paid the extra £25 and sucked it up. They are not short of money at all so that's not likely to be the issue.

Or I would have said something like "I've been an idiot and overbooked the pizza part ...but would your DD like to come for the pool party straight after? So sorry to be a plonker."

But to uninvite her? She didn't even issue proper invites yet, it was just a save the date.

I think she invited DD by accident, perhaps she has another friend with the same name who was meant to get the text and can't own up to it.

AIBU to call time on this one sided friendship?

I’d text back ‘ that’s a shitty thing to do isn’t it?’

You’re well rid!

You’re right to think a normal person would pay the extra £25 rather than uninvite someone, if she didn’t have £25 spare she wouldn’t be booking fancy pizza making parties, would she?

I think you know that you are done here. Move on. She’s a dick.

I wouldn’t consider her to be one of your friends and would just not bother with her ever again.
Absolutely shitty behaviour all round actually, not just this party.

There’s nothing to end, is there? You barely see each other, your kids probably wouldn’t recognise each other. She very clearly invited your daughter by accident. I’d be tempted to respond ‘wow, that’s really rude’ and then never contact her again. Doesn’t sound like she’ll notice or care if she does.

I think, at this point, she's just somebody that you used to know.

The trouble is, I am relatively new to the area. (Moved close to her by co-incidence, for work). She was really enthusiastic at the time but of course I have barely seen her. All her promises of introducing me to people have been BS.

I do value my friendships though. A lot. And I know I have a history of allowing another friend to behave horribly and just giving her the benefit of the doubt. I'm giving friend A the benefit of the doubt but this time she has shown she is even willing to uninvite a child to a party rather than admit she invited us by accident or that she has her full quota with friends who had already apparently said yes to a "save the date" by the time I texted back the next day.

I thought you were all going to say I was BU because I hadn't texted back immediately.

You shouldn't have dragged friend B into it by mentioning her experience to her...

And I would not be paying 25 pounds for five children to add one additional child to a party.

But yes, everything else sounds shit.

Why would you accept that kind of behaviour.
That is not a friend, you don't need to be treated like that.
Block and forget her.

I’d call time on the friendship. It doesn’t need to be a dramatic thing, just stop making contact and brush her off like she does to you.

She isn't a friend.
You come way down on her friends list.

Oh my gosh

I would reply. ‘Ahh thanks for that. I have decided that that was an incredibly mean thing to do to my daughter. Who was looking forward to finally meeting your daughter

I bring her up to not be walked over. To be a strong powerful woman and to not associate with shit. Because of that. I don’t want to associate with you again! I hope your daughter has a wonderful birthday.’

Ahh. Seen that she’s met her. Just hasn’t seen her for two years!

Excuse that mistake.

And I would not be paying 25 pounds for five children to add one additional child to a party.

I would if I'd fucked up.

I'm wondering whether she will even realise if I don't bother to respond to her uninviting text.

You're right - I should wait and see how long it takes her to contact me. I'm willing to bet the next time I hear from her will be an Xmas card - hand delivered as always but she never knocks on the door when she delivers it to, you know, see if I'm in and fancy a catch up. Like friends do.

Actually it sounds as if this woman has binned you and your friend long ago, and you both didn't realise. If your friend wasn't invited to the 40th birthday party, didn't it occur to her that she was no longer a valued friend? If your texts and offers to meet up keep getting batted off, didn't it occur to you that she doesn't want to meet up?

I have someone I've known since I first started primary school, so nearly 40 years. She started being evasive about meeting up (which we have always done regularly) and then, "Oh, I think I'm free after Christmas" (this was October) and then after Christmas, "I'm looking at after Easter now..." I got the message loud and clear.

And I would not be paying 25 pounds for five children to add one additional child to a party.

She has a country pad that could sleep about 25 with ease. I don't think £25 is the problem.

To me it's a problem because she's lied and said the pizza people won't take more than the 20 who've said yes to the save the date.

But they will.

I wouldn’t bother with any big dramatic exits. In reality, I don’t think she cares enough to be bothered. Just stop texting or arranging to meet. She may surprise and reach out - but my bet is you just won’t hear from her anymore. And if she doesn’t get in touch, you’ll see you haven’t lost anything.

OP, she is not your friend! I deliver Christmas cards to people, but I don't necessarily want them to leap out and start arranging coffees etc.

"
I have someone I've known since I first started primary school, so nearly 40 years. She started being evasive about meeting up (which we have always done regularly) and then, "Oh, I think I'm free after Christmas" (this was October) and then after Christmas, "I'm looking at after Easter now..." I got the message loud and clear."

This sounds very familiar.

It hurts though.

Your DD and hers aren't friends, they haven't seen each other for 2 years!!

The only surprise here is that your DD was invited in the first place. Sorry but I think even that was an error - she text you by accident.

This woman obviously doesn't want to be friends with you and has been trying to phase you out for a long while - if you read any of the hundreds of "how do I get rid of this friend without a big scene" threads, all of the advice is to do exactly what she's done, stop agreeing to meet up, stop texting, become more and more distant.

Sorry to be blunt as a sledgehammer but this isn't a friendship - she's made that clear through her actions and behaviour but you haven't seen it.

Personally I would be a little more pro-active about this and show your daughter that this is not how true friends treat each other. I think you should reply and call her out on this. Why do you want to give her another chance to hurt you or your dd in the future - because guaranteed she will

OP, she is not your friend! I deliver Christmas cards to people, but I don't necessarily want them to leap out and start arranging coffees etc.

I know. I'm not a loon who would jump out on her. But it just adds to the context.

It’s almost like she told you about the party just to show off that she was having such a fun party! No intention of your daughter ever actually going

Friendships are like farts. If you have to force it, it's probably crap.