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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Uninvited from party

128 replies

whattheactualreally · 08/02/2020 17:42

I have a very flakey friend (A) who has form for making constant excuses not to meet up, not even for a quick coffee. She's never said yes to play dates for her and my daughters (similar ages) so they haven't seen each other for two years. I last saw her six months ago. She never texts to meet up, it's always me.

We have a joint friend who is utterly fed up of it too, and whom wasn't invited to friend A's big 40th bash despite knowing her since primary school.

This week I received a "save the date, invite and details to follow" text for friend A's DDs 11th birthday party. It was a pizza making party followed by a pool party at their (huge) house.

I replied the next evening saying thanks very much, it's in the diary and looking forward to receiving more details in due course.

The reply? "Hi hun, actually we have overbooked, the pizza people say it's a max of 20 and they won't go over that so because everyone else has said yes as well I'm afraid that your DD can't come now. So sorry" etc etc.

AIBU to think that (on top of crappy see-thru excuses never to meet up etc) that this is incredibly rude? I would never do that to someone.

I checked the pizza people's website - you can have another five kids for another £25.

If it were me I would have paid the extra £25 and sucked it up. They are not short of money at all so that's not likely to be the issue.

Or I would have said something like "I've been an idiot and overbooked the pizza part ...but would your DD like to come for the pool party straight after? So sorry to be a plonker."

But to uninvite her? She didn't even issue proper invites yet, it was just a save the date.

I think she invited DD by accident, perhaps she has another friend with the same name who was meant to get the text Angry and can't own up to it.

AIBU to call time on this one sided friendship?

OP posts:
itswinetime · 08/02/2020 18:51

Have you suggested meet ups without the children present? It could be that she is a flaky person who isn't much of a friend or could it be that while you 2 are friends for some reason your dd's don't click or more in particular her dd doesn't click with yours?

Minionbums · 08/02/2020 18:52

There’s no way on earth I could hold my tongue with this woman. I would have to say something. I’d gets back with ‘you’re in inviting her? Nice. You’ve let her down and she will be upset.’ And then not reply to anything she says after that. I would absolutely call her on that behaviour.

What significant thing did she ask you for? It might shed some light on this. Does she feel beholden to you?

Bluntness100 · 08/02/2020 18:54

I also think she's trying to ghost you op, I'm so sorry, just let it go now. It's sad when friendships end, but sometimes people move on, and that's how it is.

PixieRabbit · 08/02/2020 18:56

Don’t respond, just block her everywhere. Aaaaand breathe a sigh of relief that this ghastly person is no longer in your life.

LittlePaintBox · 08/02/2020 18:58

Yet another mumsnet thread where a 'friend' is described as behaving really unkindly - the only thing to do, IMO, is take note and move on from an unsatisfactory 'friendship'.

PatchworkElmer · 08/02/2020 19:07

Just block and move on, OP.

I’m sorry, things like this are awful Flowers

HannaYeah · 08/02/2020 19:15

She’s not a friend.

I’d be tempted to be super petty text her and say“That’s Ok. I thought the invitation was a bit strange since the girls haven’t seen one another in years! DD is busy with friends but she’s willing to join if you need the numbers. Take care.”

Ok, I wouldn’t do that but it feels good to imagine it.

SandAndSea · 08/02/2020 19:17

I don't think she sounds like much of a friend. How do you feel about going for a gentle enquiry? Something like, "Sorry, I don't understand. Are you saying you invited my DD by accident?"

Dozer · 08/02/2020 19:18

Yeah, she’s not a friend. It was odd that she invited DD to the party in the first place, since she’s avoided the DDs meeting up to.

Wouldn’t bother to contact her again.

IndecentFeminist · 08/02/2020 19:21

Honestly? You're not friends. She's not flaky, just doesn't prioritise hanging out with you. Your daughter presumably wouldn't have known anyone there anyway. If I replied it would be something like "😂 are you being serious?! Righto." And then just leave it/her for good.

MissClareRemembers · 08/02/2020 19:44

@whattheactualreally

she knows full well you value her ‘friendship’ waaaaay more than she values your’s. She’s showing off and keeping you dangling. For your own self esteem you will have to ditch her. Expect nothing.

I would reply (after a few days): “🙄 Right you are Friend A. All the best and have a splendid life. 👋🏻"

Then block. You’ll grieve the friendship but your view of said friendship is not the same as her view of it. Stay strong.

Original poster
whattheactualreally · 08/02/2020 19:46

Message received loud and clear. I need to get some self respect!

OP posts:
FrankRattlesnake · 08/02/2020 19:48

Clearly the friendship no longer has the legs to keep it going and this is absolutely the final nail in the coffin.

You could just block and ignore, many will say what waste the time and energy etc. But for someone who has been a close friend, used you for a significant favour and then done this, I’m afraid I would got out in a blaze of glory - something like “well that was an arsehole move, but why should I have expected anything different? Message received loud and clear.” And then block.

She is a twat and a nasty one at that.

recycledbottle · 08/02/2020 19:50

I would text back. Oh good, I thought about it some more and actually DD wouldn't know anyone there so it's for the best. Take care. She is not your friend and is trying to Ghost both you and your other friend. I wouldn't contact her again and focus on building up your friendship group.

CornforthWhite · 08/02/2020 19:55

She is not your friend. As much as it hurts your only hurting yourself now in not admitting this to yourself. She has behaved appallingly.

Tiredtiredtired100 · 08/02/2020 20:33

I personally would reply if only to make clear to her that I thought she was a horrible person.

Something like:
I think we both know that’s not a valid reason but that you simply don’t want my daughter to attend. Regardless of your reasons it’s clear to me given your behaviour over many years that we don’t really have a friendship anymore, so enjoy the rest of your life but please don’t make any more pretences that we are friends because we are not anymore.

Panpastels · 08/02/2020 20:40

Would your daughter have wanted to go?!

Isbutteracarb · 08/02/2020 20:43

She's not your friend, I'd move on and cut your losses - tbh ifs she's a massive flakey biatch doesn't sound like much of a loss anyway

Serenschintte · 08/02/2020 20:51

It’s really hurtful but she is not your friend. You have two choices:
Stop being friends but not texting and not making the first move
Or
See what happens next but always make alternative arrangements as the ones she makes with you inevitably falls through.
It’s very painful being dropped by a Long term friend (been there done that) but it can also be a relief as this person stops having power in your life and you also come to realize you deserve to be treated better

BumbleBeee69 · 08/02/2020 21:05

I do value my friendships though. A lot.

But you don't.... have a friendship Confused

zasknbg · 08/02/2020 21:06

Cut her off
No need to do anything, just don’t contact her and don’t reply to any contact from her.

OrangeLindt · 08/02/2020 21:09

25 kids in a pool is unsafe and asking for trouble.

Notajogger · 08/02/2020 21:19

She’s not your friend any more, you’re just an acquaintance to her, nothing more. She’s doing her best to ghost you, but you’re not getting the message. The invite to your DD was clearly a mistake, but her reaction was shitty.

This, unfortunately.

knightsbridgemum · 08/02/2020 21:21

Absolutely call time on it. My goodness, I'm speechless someone would actually do that! You really don't need people like that in your and your child's life.

Newschapter · 08/02/2020 21:25

@whattheactualreally

This happened to me with a friend I'd known all my life.
We lived not far from each other (I've moved) and would meet regularly when my dd and her ds were young.

I noticed her not replying to me regarding arrangements and i backed away slightly.

Then she asked us to a Christmas party at her house. Me dh and dd. We accepted as dh and her dh were in the same line of work and they always liked catching up.

I arrived early to help as that's the kind of friendship we had. She seemed surprised that I was even there, it was more than obvious she had either added me to the group invite accidentally or had forgotten about us.

She had gifts for the children - none for my dd. It was obvious when she handed my dd a selection box when the other little girls got a baby doll which cost significantly more than a selection box.

Dd was 6 & was upset but I tried to cover it up. Dh then came and said to me let's leave.

We left. No joke op, I have never heard from that friend again. Her dh texted my dh when they heard we were moving (for dh job not because of them) and he said he was sorry for how things had worked out. Dh replied saying he wasn't sorry as we'd saw her true colours but it was a pity we hadn't learnt sooner.

So I'd absolutely reply to her message. I'd leave her in no doubt as to how disappointed you are.

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