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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this unacceptable by DH

104 replies

MarissaE · 08/02/2020 17:16

Hi all,

AIBU to think it’s not ok whatever we are arguing about for DH to ask “why are you crying?? Just stop”. And then when I try and tell him what I am upset about his response is “there are bigger things to cry about” and tells me to just get on with things. (We were about to take the kids to the park and I couldn’t just get on with it after he invalidated me like that). I told him it’s never acceptable to say that to anyone and he thinks it is. AIBU??

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 08/02/2020 17:28

Well it depends really. Do you cry only occasionally if really upset or do you cry at everything? If it’s the latter then I can see why he might find it tedious.

Obligatorync · 08/02/2020 17:29

It is really worrying that it's a regular occurrence for you to be in tears while arguing. What happens?

Hopoindown31 · 08/02/2020 17:30

Depends why you are crying really.

emilybrontescorsett · 08/02/2020 17:33

Well if course there are bigger things to cry about.
How about the next time he tells you he is hungry you reply:
" For the love of God stop moaning. You do realise that plenty of people haven't eaten for days, unlike you who had a meal today. Stop whinging about nonevents! "
Etc etc etc.

Topseyt · 08/02/2020 17:55

It depends what it was really all about etc.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/02/2020 17:56

My mother cries to win arguments and it's infuriating. Any minor disagreement and she's weeping. It works on most people.

CrazyToast · 08/02/2020 18:03

That would bother me because it is invalidating your feelings, your right to feel how you do. However I've noticed some people do this as a way to help, like they think by minimising they will help you feel not as bad. Either way, it is not ok if it makes you feel like that. I also cry really easily if I am angry or frustrated, it just comes out as tears, super annoying for me but it's always been that way.

Arrowfanatic · 08/02/2020 19:41

I cry really easily, usually when I'm feeling frustrated. I dont want to but it just happens, and it's not just if DH and I are arguing. I cried to the councils parking dept as I had proof I had a permit to park where I did but they wouldnt accept it & I was do frustrated, I cry if I can't find something, heck I cry at those short videos on Facebook which show kids happy to receive a puppy 🤣

So, no I dont think you were being unreasonable to be upset when him saying that.

Original poster
MarissaE · 09/02/2020 00:40

I am going through a really bad depression at the moment. I am very sensitive I will admit, probably annoyingly so. But I can’t stand being invalidated like that. This evening when I was crying and he asked what was wrong and I told him I feel absolutely awful and depressed and cried again, he replied “come on, you are 42! And you have no strength!!”. This made everything far worse.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 09/02/2020 00:54

So is he asking this when he finds you crying, or when you argue? It sounded odd to me to say 'why are you crying?' if you're arguing as presumably that's why!
What treatment are you getting for your depression? Have you been prescribed anything and / or are you in counselling?

Original poster
MarissaE · 09/02/2020 01:12

I lost my dad a year ago and have been going through marriage problems during that whole time. My husband has become cold and resentful about our life and everything really. I just don’t recognise him anymore. I never realised before but he was agreeing to things he didn’t want for years and years and has been passive aggressive for a very long time now. I have only just recognised this and I feel a massive loss of trust in him. He now blames me for everything, is angry constantly and has no tolerance or empathy at all for when I am suffering. He invalidates me infront of the kids as well and says things they don’t need to know about. It’s driving me nuts. I have told him I am willing to work on the marriage and put right the things that I have done wrong or times I have been critical or taken decisions without him etc. but I can’t do it on my own. He refuses any kind of accountability for anything. I want to work on this for our kids sake but at the moment there is a terrible atmosphere, he says I have traumatised then on nights where I was grieving and really upset and he showed no empathy infront of them and I yelled that he doesn’t care about me, is not compassionate etc. I feel he just pushes my buttons and then blames me because he knows I will react. Sorry for the long ramble, I am seeing gp for antidepressants next week, I am struggling to pull myself out of the depression this time. I feel so alone and unsupported and made to look weak infront of my children.

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 09/02/2020 01:19

Ltb. Depression will improve a bit without the wanker pulling you down.

Lucifer666 · 09/02/2020 01:30

Wow op no offence but your husband sounds like a massive twat! Whilst it can be frustrating living with someone with depression it sounds like he's making it worse to punish you for whatever issues he has. He's a grown man he should have the maturity to outline his issues for you both to work on when you're in a calmer state of mind but instead he's being a dick by behaving like your feelings don't matter and is degrading and disrespecting you in front of your kids by acting like this. I'm all for forgiving and people make mistakes but doing that in front of your kids would have me kicking his arse out the door. It takes two to tango as the saying goes he sounds like he just wants to play the blame game whilst taking zero responsibility himself and blaming it all on you. Don't let this man grind you down tell him he either talks it through like adults and takes his share of the responsibility or he can fuck off. sending you hugs OP. Are you seeing a counsellor? if not maybe ask your doctor to refer you as it sounds like that would help you in the long run x

blueberrymuffin88 · 09/02/2020 01:37

YANBU!! Some people just cry more than others as a way of expressing very very overwhelming emotions. I know I am very sensitive but I don't see that as as bad thing. I just feel things more keenly than others. I literally cannot stop my tears, and for some people that is hard to understand. I'm so sick of people using the term 'grow a thicker skin' or 'show some strength'. I am strong but also crying is a physiological response to certain emotions that cannot be helped in some people. Not everyone is the same ffs.

independentfriend · 09/02/2020 01:54

You might be at the beginning of the end.

I don't think I could be with someone who was dismissive of me whilst I was crying, even if I was crying a lot. [Grief for me has involved chunks of time when I've been very easily moveable to tears for no particular reason]

If you think there's maybe something 'innocent' in his remarks, you might try talking to him about what it means to you when you cry and what you'd like him to do/say. [Wondering if he's appearing horrible because he can see you're upset and desperately wants to fix it and he needs to learn that he can't but just needs to wait.]

TheBewildernessisWeetabix · 09/02/2020 02:00

That sort of abusive control makes my skin crawl. I remember it so very well. Sometimes if we won't stop on command they decide to "give us something to cry about" with their fists.

Topseyt · 09/02/2020 02:40

I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad. You are going through a lot.

With your updates, it sounds as though your husband is a massive dickwad and you need to consider whether not you can continue in the relationship as he has clearly had an empathy bypass. He is unlikely to change there.

Monty27 · 09/02/2020 02:49

You're not allowed your own feelings. No wonder you cry.
He sounds awful Sad

EmeraldShamrock · 09/02/2020 02:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EmeraldShamrock · 09/02/2020 02:54

What age are your DC OP. I'd have a break if it is possible.

VenusTiger · 09/02/2020 03:12

I'll bet his parents told him off for crying when he was a kid!
He can't cope with your depression OP - that is NOT your fault, but he needs to back the fuck off! If he doesn't know how to deal with it, he needs to at least let you have the space to feel what you are feeling and shoulder the responsibility with your kids instead of putting them in the middle and using you as some kind of example to them.
Please get some help with your depression, not just medication, get some counselling OP, you haven't got it at home, and your DH can't do it, so find someone to talk to and cry as much as you need.
I hope it gets better for you all. Give you kids lots of hugs and tell them you'll be okay.

1forAll74 · 09/02/2020 03:18

I would tend to agree with your husband, as crying for very minor reasons,is very silly , It is a shame that you are so sensitive to minor upsets,, but you need to get real. and be more grown up about family issues..

GrumpyHoonMain · 09/02/2020 03:21

Crying during minor disagreements is fucking manipulative.

Hidingtonothing · 09/02/2020 03:27

I feel he just pushes my buttons and then blames me because he knows I will react.

It sounds like that's exactly what he's doing OP, which is pretty fucking horrible when he's supposed to be on your team. I think you seriously have to ask yourself how much longer you can afford to wait for him to decide he wants to try to save your marriage, you're dead right that you can't do it alone,

How viable is a trial separation practically, is there somewhere he could go short term? It sounds like that might be your only chance of him waking up in time, he might realise what he'd be losing if you're apart for a while. And it would give you chance to see what life would be like without him, you may well find your MH improves without the bad atmosphere and things might seem clearer then.

One final point, you need and deserve to grieve for your dad and I honestly think a partner who doesn't support and help you through that is an active hindrance to the grieving process. You must feel utterly stuck emotionally because he's not giving you space to express your feelings, how are you meant to move through the stages if he won't even let you cry? The whole thing just sounds horribly unhealthy and miserable, you must be utterly mentally exhausted Sad

Original poster
MarissaE · 09/02/2020 04:10

Thanks everyone for your responses. We have considered separation many times. We have a child with autism who is also very anxious about anything and everything. Obviously our issues have not helped her at all. But a massive change of someone moving out will be really hard for her. I have reassured her over and over again, even whilst grieving it was always me trying to protect her and our other child’s feelings. They are 11 and 12. I feel like DH says things infront of them that are just childish and I would rather not discuss all our issues infront of them. For example he will say to them “Mummy has one opinion and I have a different one and Mummy doesn’t like it”. Just little things that are digs towards me. Or if I might roll my eyes at him or try to get his attention to how he is acting around the kids he will tell them “Mummy made a face at me” and things like that. There was one evening 6 months ago or so where I was deeply grieving and so so lonely because we were not together much anymore and DH was being ignoring and cold and I had had a bit too much to drink (which I NEVER do, I was just desperately sad) and I woke DH in the night as I was crying my eyes out in bed and he was so angry with me. He told me he needed his sleep and to go away basically. I went downstairs and screamed my heart out. The kids came down and were obviously really scared. Instead of protecting them and comforting them and telling them Mummy is sad, he pointed at our autistic daughter who was shaking and crying and shouted at me “look what you have done!!” . I basically wailed that he doesn’t care about me and hasn’t been there in my grief and he pretended to hug me while angrily whispering in my ear that I had better stop it for the kids sake. That night absolutely broke me. It was traumatising for me and likely for the kids too. And all my fault apparently. The kids see it as me having drunk too much and having a breakdown. The guilt lies with me. And it has devastated me. I have never ever behaved in that way infront of my kids, they were in such a bubble, we protected them so well and never argued around them. But that night changed everything. And I had to pick up the pieces and comfort the kids while dying inside because I was desperately sad and alone with it all. I have had to replay that night with my anxious child for hours on end. Explaining it to her, apologising, promising it will never happen again etc. All I get from DH is that I have traumatised them and he is angry about it. I have never been so hurt in all my life. I just don’t understand how he can behave like that. Nothing like that has happened since and won’t happen again but the little snipes and comments infront of the kids means our kids are still anxious and insecure about us. It’s a terrible situation.

OP posts: