To find this unacceptable by DH

[MarissaE]

Hi all,

AIBU to think it’s not ok whatever we are arguing about for DH to ask “why are you crying?? Just stop”. And then when I try and tell him what I am upset about his response is “there are bigger things to cry about” and tells me to just get on with things. (We were about to take the kids to the park and I couldn’t just get on with it after he invalidated me like that). I told him it’s never acceptable to say that to anyone and he thinks it is. AIBU??

You need counseling for yourself. You are living with an abusive man. He is manipulating the children and you as well to distract from his inappropriate behavior.

I am so sorry.
Being on the verge of tears almost all the time is not unusual when grieving the loss of a loved one.

Frankly, I'm angry at you too, because I've been a child on the receiving end of that display. Repeatedly.

You need to get some anti-depressants and some counselling. It is not a fair thing to do to involve your children in your depression or your marriage issues, no matter how bad you are feeling. If you need marriage guidance counselling after that, either get it or split.

Your husband may be passive aggressive or he may be treading on eggshells and fed up with it.

Harsh as that sounds, I do wish you well, but for your family's sake get some help.

Has your partner been urging you to go to your GP for over 6 months and you haven't? It sounds like you needed to go and get help a long time ago. I think your relationship is unlikely to come back from this. Was it ever really good anyway?
I hope your GP can help this week.

I’m sorry for youR pain but you really need to seek help. Screaming your heart out in the middle of the night, when your kids are in the house is not acceptable. Please get help for yoUr children’s sake. No wonder they were terrified. Perhaps when you get the help you need you will be in a better position to either leave or work on what’s left of your marriage.

No DH hasn’t been asking me to go to GP. I have repeatedly begged for help looking after the kids so I can get a break, I have asked if I can go away for a few nights when I have been utterly desperate and not knowing what to do and DH responds by saying I am being ridiculous. And that I have no intention of going anywhere etc . I have been on antidepressants for the best part of 20 years and DH never liked me being in them and totally supported me getting off them. Well he supported the idea of it but when I went through the withdrawal and was obviously a bit all over the place and emotional he turned his back. I have tried to resist going back on medication but it’s probably the biggest regret of my life because my kids have been affected, something I swore I would never let happen. I just never believed I wouldn’t be able to get through to DH or that he would let these things happen around the kids. I absolutely do not say the kind of things he says infront of the kids. I try and have a reasonable discussion with him that is appropriate for them to hear and he just doesn’t take the hint and brings other things in or says “Mummy sent me a message earlier and that’s why we are arguing” or “Mummy is not interested in an article that I think is really important about autism” etc. I never ever thought he would do things like that. Or not be able to see it when I tell him about it. That’s why I have been reluctant to take medication, because I don’t believe I am the one incapable of behaving around the kids. Obviously now it’s got to deep depression and I do need medication. But that is due to the relationship problems and me banging my head against a brick wall to get DH to behave infront of the kids and take ANY accountability for his own actions and not blame me for every single thing. It’s so frustrating!

But you’re not taking accountability for YOUR actions either. How is waking your kids up by screaming in the night behaving infront of the kids. That is arguably more damaging for them than your husband’s snide comments. As someone who is autistic and whose mum’s refusal to focus on her mental health governed my childhood and damaged my adulthood, I cannot emphasise enough the damage that you BOTH are doing to your children. Grief is hard but you absolutely should go back on your medication. I cannot believe that you didn’t do that as soon as that event happened. Your children do not deserve this - stop blaming your husband and look at how your actions are affecting them.

He wants out of the marriage and is pushing so you will instigate that.

Meanwhile you are both messing up your children. You'll do as much damage staying together, as splitting and helping your children through it.

If you won't end things then accept that your relationship is over and you can't count on him for support.

The pair of you are blaming each other, rather then taking responsibility that both of you are emotionally abusing your children. That needs to stop, instead of concentrating on what your husband is doing sort out what you are doing to them.

“Mummy sent me a message earlier and that’s why we are arguing”

Is that sentence honestly more inappropriate than audibly crying and wailing until your children are scared? I can understand your DH doing a u-turn on supporting you coming off anti-depressants if that was the effect. You digging your heels in about restarting them is not helping anyone, least of all you.

I feel more sorry for your husband. I couldn't live with so much melodrama.

I don’t think I need to be judged and criticised for having a mental breakdown whilst in the depths of grief. Yes it was awful and very scary for my kids and the biggest regret of my life. But things happen to people that they don’t plan for. No parent or person is perfect. Yes it shouldn’t have happened. Of course it shouldn’t. But sometimes things come together in a way you don’t expect and you have nothing left. I did not set out to behave like that. I did not plan it. I had no strength left at all and it all came flooding out after months of trying to be strong for the kids. And yes of course it’s far worse than what DH has said and done. My point was that if that had been a one off occurrence in terms of our disagreements, I had hoped we would be able to limit the damage by being united from then on and preventing any further distress for the kids. I have taken full responsibility for that night and apologised and explained as many times and the kids want to hear it. I can’t change it. All I can tell them is that mummy is human and makes mistakes and regrets it and won’t let it happen again. That’s all I can do. It’s far more than I would have had as a child when no one communicated. Talking to them about why things happen and human emotions is the best I can do to help the situation. I just did not want any continued animosity between us which perpetuates the whole thing and shows that we are not united. I take responsibility for the fact that I should have been back on antidepressants sooner. I do believe in being as open and honest as I can with my kids and if I am crying I think that’s ok. If DH and I are having an argument I won’t lie to the kids. Equally they have seen us make up with hugs and apologies. What I hope we have shown them (albeit with a very rocky one year period) is that we are both human and we do disagree and sometimes people need some space or walk off in a mood, sometimes people try to be strong for too long and then it comes crashing down (losing a parent is not to be underestimated), that there are ups and downs and that you get through them.

Is he the right person for you to share your life with, you seem mismatched

It seems he isn't showing you any kindness. That might seem a weird thing to say but kindness really matters in a long term relationship.

You seem to expect your DH to parent you. No grown adult should be expecting their partner to dry their tears constantly.
As a PP said, crying during arguments is intensely manipulative, like trying to play your trump card. Sounds as though you use tears as a weapon and your DH is not buying it any more.

As for waking the whole household in the middle of the night by screaming your head off, that is batshit. Go back on the ADs and take responsibility for your own mental health, I feel very sorry for your children.

@MarissaE

Your DH sounds like a bully and quite frankly nasty. Why do you stay with him? He is dragging you down imho

Just for the record, I would never dream of saying to anyone posting on here that is having a hard time and clearly feeling shit about something they have done, “you are emotionally abusing your children” or “I feel sorry for your children”. It never ceases to amaze me how cruel people can be. Sure, give me the truth and the feedback but putting people down like that is just plain rude. I see this kind of behaviour on here all the time and often comment on how unnecessary it is. I assume you are perfect parents yourselves.

You could have screamed into a cushion op.

Sounds like he's had enough. Coming off ADs - did you do it slowly? Hope so! - is huge, especially after 20 years. Losing your dad is huge. The two together...

You're both damaging your kids. Which of you is the primary carer? You need to be apart for everyone's sake - look at what you want for your marriage later but it is essential you get away from one another right now.

Mind you, I am not close to my parents so have no notion of the effect losing a loving parent can have but it does seem like the middle of the night screaming incident happened 6 MONTHS after your father's death. Obviously there is no timeline to grief and 6 months isn't much in the grand scale of things but I have to say that I would have expected this type of episode to occur soon after the death of a loved one, by the 6 months mark I would expect a person to obviously still be grieving but to mostly be able to function normally and definitely wouldn't expect them to still be crying constantly to the point of screaming their heart out in the middle of the night scaring the kids off and it seems like 6 months later you are still in the same emotional state of being constantly teary-eyed/crying and, at the risk of sounding heartless, I do think my patience would start running thin too if I had to live with someone who is constantly crying and miserable and needs constant reinsurance. I do believe your feelings are valid and that partners should be supportive of each other BUT you also need to acknowledge how hard it is to live with someone who is depressed and constantly crying and how miserable it makes other people and ruins the atmosphere. I used to be deeply depressed and looking back I was bloody miserable and would have been sick of me very quickly had I been dating my depressed self. I don't blame people who couldn't put up with me quite frankly. Depression is awful, but only YOU can fight it. It's okay to cry but you shouldn't feel crying every day or most days is normal, there is nothing wrong with crying but when it's constant or semi-constant it really makes life difficult for people who have to walk on eggshells around you as to not trigger you or can't fully express joy as obviously you are crying.

Your husband overall doesn't seem like the greatest man in the block and I would consider leaving him but for your sake and the one of your kids, you do need to ''get it together'' even if it's hard (and I know it's hard) and get the help you need.

@MarissaE

You will always get a mixture of replies on this board just ignore the negative ones and read the helpful ones.

"I do believe in being as open and honest as I can with my kids and if I am crying I think that’s ok. If DH and I are having an argument I won’t lie to the kids."

That's OK with older teens, but not with children who are younger and especially not with a anxious autistic child.

I've lost both parents and my DH died when my youngest was 8 and my other two still children.

Your children need a level of protection until they have a good understanding of what is going on. Emotional intelligence is needed to process things. Otherwise you create fear and anxiety in them. You are supposed to be their secure base.

The pair of you need to grow up and realise what your roles as parents involve in terms of your children's mental health.

You need to ask yourself why you aren't ending your marriage.

If I sound judgemental, then please let me reiterate that I've been the child in this situation and I'm sure you wouldn't want your own children judging you.

If they see disagreement and resolution, that is good for them. If they see tears and drama, that is not. Perhaps your husband is not very nice or perhaps he has compassion strain or perhaps he could say anything right now and you would perceive it as an attack because you're not on the ADs.

I'm not saying this to be unkind. I'm saying it because I feel for a stranger on the internet and I would hate for your family to have the sort of future relationship that mine does.

OP I think people have sympathy for you for what you're going through and losing your dad. I'm 3 years on losing my mum and I still get periods of random crying.

However you need to think of your kids now and do the right thing.

I find it hard to believe that you could not control screaming in the night when you have kids because you were grieving. Sorry.

Your DH sounds like an unpleasant person that you would be better off without.

So what happened after you crying yesterday, did your H take them to the park, so did they stay in?

The term for what your husband is doing to you and the children is called parental alienation.

My message is not meant unkindly either. I empathised with your grief but it would be unfair not to point out the potential damage that you are doing to your children. I too, was that child.... I am no longer in contact with my own mum and have worked for years to undo the damage of my childhood. It is not cruel to point out facts, even unpleasant ones and by exposing your children to this unstable home life, and screaming in the middle of the night you ARE Emotionally abusing them. Particularly your autistic daughter... she needs a stable home life that she isn’t getting.
I understand that isn’t nice to hear but I was hoping that might help you see that you need to change... get help for both yourself and them. Let them be your motivation for a better life.

Your husband and you need to split. None of this is conducive to a gentle, secure childhood.
Grief can be terrible, I’m sorry you have lost. It can also be a catalyst for opening your eyes to what isn’t actually good in your life. I left my exH after losing both parents, his coldness made me realise I’d been fooling myself that he cared about me. I am now very happily married for years to a man who is kind.
I was the ASD child living in family where there was bad atmospheres/snideness/rows between my parents and it is so wearingly scary for that child. I would much have preferred they split, the fear would have been shorter-lives by far.