To find this unacceptable by DH

[MarissaE]

Hi all,

AIBU to think it’s not ok whatever we are arguing about for DH to ask “why are you crying?? Just stop”. And then when I try and tell him what I am upset about his response is “there are bigger things to cry about” and tells me to just get on with things. (We were about to take the kids to the park and I couldn’t just get on with it after he invalidated me like that). I told him it’s never acceptable to say that to anyone and he thinks it is. AIBU??

You need to go back to the GP. The environment sounds really toxic for the DC.
I am on the fence with him as we have your side of the story, it contradicts the arguments around the DC is he trying to lighten it for them, he is not a professional either.
It is very difficult to support someone in a breakdown when he doesn't have the skills.
How was he before you lost your Father.

If I knew you I'd report you for the screaming in the night op. It really is completely unacceptable. You seem to justify it but it should never have happened and you are a danger. You have significantly hurt your kids.

Yy he's hurting them too - sounds like he has unresolved stuff around his mother he's projecting onto you.

Anyway, these are the reasons but they are not excuses. You can't be constantly weeping around your children and certainly not screaming for any reason at all. It's horrifying your kids are subjected to you both, what a hell-hole for anyone to be subjected to this, let alone a child, let alone a SN child.

You're both as bad as each other in your different ways. Those poor kids being subjected to this - you sound like a family of 4 children.

Yy I've had a lifetime of depression, sometimes very severe. I've also had so much trauma it could fill a truck. You are both a danger to your children and I sincerely hope they are rescued somehow.

Springydaff what a vile comment.

I don’t remember in any way justifying or excusing mine or DH’s behaviour. I seem to remember expressing regret and concern over the impact on them. But maybe you missed that bit...

As much as we have not been a good influence in the last year on our children, before that they barely heard a cross word or raised voice between us. And yes I do know that that makes it all the more shocking. My point is we are not bad, horrible unaware abusive parents. If we were I would not be posting here and would not be concerned about it. The worst thing I have ever said infront of my children is that DH doesn’t care about me, which was also after I had had too much to drink. Neither of us have ever screamed and shouted at each other (before you jump on me about my screaming in the night), neither of us has ever sworn or called each other names... yes we have had a very difficult year and it has likely been traumatic for the kids sadly. But I hardly think it’s comparable to the many truly abusive homes where those things do happen (my own included when I was a child) and with no regard to the children’s feelings. We may not have prevented their exposure to adult conversations and my breakdown, however we always talk to them with lots of love and care and do our best to make them feel safe and loved and know that it’s not their fault. And no I am not saying that erases it or makes it right. But we have very strong morals as parents and have let ourselves get into a bad situation. That does not make us terrible abusive parents. I think before this year we were streets ahead of most to be honest. Our children are shown an enormous amount of respect from us. And feel free to shoot me down and assume you know our whole lives and history.

It reads to me like you think your behavuour is justifiable due to circumstance, that you should be given a pass, people should understand, you weren't in control but any stress your husband is under from living with you and his reactions are simply not acceptable, he's to blame, he is there it support and validate you, and his feelings his struggles are simply not relevant. At no stage do you wish to explore how hard this must be for him.

Of course drunken screaming in the night is not acceptable, never mind with kids in the house.

I'd assume faults on both sides, his frustration at your behavuour and your mental health issues. If you wish to repair this op then stop making it all his fault and uou the victim

Not a vile comment. Most people who present an abusive home for their kids don't mean to. You need to hear it.

It is your justifications of the screaming, your explanation of the crying, that shows you are not getting it that those behaviours are VERY DAMAGING for your children. Your thread title is about your husband being mean and cold, not about how you are both damaging your children. Your focus is on yourself, not your children. You are not getting it that your childrens' emotional needs come FIRST, before yours.

And how do you think I am not getting it? Making mistakes does not mean you don’t get it. Stop being so judgemental. I get that it comes across as self centred and I think the points about it not being all DH’s fault are valid and yes I need to hear that.

But I object to the vilification and suggestion that we are terrible abusive parents. I will not accept that. An explanation about why something happened in response to people’s comments is not justification. It’s also not excuses. It’s reasons. Since no one is a perfect person or parent. I fail to understand people’s tone on this forum. The way people respond to others situations is just nasty. There are ways of saying the same things without the superior and sneering nastiness behind it. Is this the way you talk to your children? Because it’s certainly not the way I talk to mine.

The thread I started was with a specific question. The rest was said in response to people’s questions. There is absolutely no need for the nasty judgy comments. I also come from a trauma background so am fully aware of the impact. And yes I suppose that means I should have been perfect enough to prevent it despite not having had that example or those tools and dealing with my own ptsd. The one thing that would have made a huge difference to me would have been acknowledgement and apologies on my parents part. That doesn’t “justify” my actions but I know how important it is to do your best to listen and acknowledge their pain and confusion. That’s all I could do. An abusive parent would not care to do that.

Gosh op, I think you're lashing out on here, similar it seems to how you lash out at your husband if you don't feel you're being supported?

No one has said anything bad, it's fine for someone to point out that a toxic home life, for a prolonged period is damaging to children and that both of you seek to be contributing to this.

His frustration, your crying, it's got to stop. You seem to think it's ok for you to cry, to scream, to do whatever, and your way is ok, if he finds it unacceptable, he's wrong, it's his fault, whatvwr he does is wrong. He likely thinks the same about you.

You need to stop this, blaming each other, attacking each other, and try to work together, or split.

I am still failing to see where I say it’s ok. People are quick to judge and attack on here. I don’t remember saying this is a good or anywhere near ok environment for my children.

On the contrary I believe I explored the option of separating and said I was going to my gp for medication and we had started couples therapy. I don’t see how “you have to stop this OP” is particularly helpful. Clearly we are both analysing our behaviour and it’s affects and what to do about it. Continually pointing out how shit we both are is not overly helpful. It’s not about agreeing with me or supporting or justifying my behaviour, it’s about not kicking someone over and over for something they are aware of and have huge regrets about. Is that so strange?!

I think you just need to work out splitting up as soon as possible

If you listen to what's being said then that will be one step in the right direction.

You are both hurting your kids. Period. Why or what is irrelevant. If you had any notion of how much you are hurting your kids you would split immediately, this afternoon. You would speak to nspcc to get the support and expertise you clearly need. You would do any and every parenting course. You would stop defending yourself.

Judgemental? I don't think so. Angry, yes. Angry that very vulnerable kids got woken in the night, terrified, by your lack of self control. By your insistence that everyone, even children, have to bear your weight.

I've been a parent op, same as you. I've had all the trauma and depression, same as you. I've had a vile husband, a toxic family. Same same. I didn't make my kids carry all that - by doing everything in my power to carry it myself, with support when necessary.

Wow, Springydaff. How do you think 'I've been in the same situation as you, but I handled it better' is going to help, here?

Seems all these things happen when you’ve had a drink

I’d maybe start by cutting that out 100%. Not even a sip

@MarissaE this might seem a bit random but are you the Michelangelo OP? The way you writes is very similar to that post, the language that is used in both and the response of the DH also seems similar.

*write.

I'm trying to say I've been where she is, Eckhart, so I'm not talking theory or down to her.

I'd assume faults on both sides, his frustration at your behavuour and your mental health issues. If you wish to repair this op then stop making it all his fault and uou the victim

And the PPs seem to think the same. That her poor behaviour is entirely justified and his has to be perfect at all times. Yes, he is triangulating and that is not OK. But in the face of wailing and crying and 'passion' he's trying to get his needs met with very few interpersonal skills.

You both seem ill equipped to deal with emotions. Because your parents were similarly ill equipped. You need individual counselling, parenting classes and probably a divorce so you can stop feeding your unhealthy relationship.

OP, I think you ALL have problems, including your children. You ALL need counselling, more separately actually imo. You all need to spill everything about how you're feeling out, as keeping it in/not being allowed to express it is playing absolute havoc with yours and your daughter's anxiety!
Please, please, please see a GP and get your kids, you and DH, separate therapy.

I agree your DH has acting unfairly, you also act unfairly. If you want the marriage to work you both need to acknowledge all faults.

I would tend to agree with your husband, as crying for very minor reasons,is very silly , It is a shame that you are so sensitive to minor upsets,, but you need to get real. and be more grown up about family issues..

No need to visit the GP for OP's anti-depressants then, all she needs to do is "get real". Hurrah! Who knew?

Honestly... “All these things seem to happen when you have had a drink”

Utter invented rubbish. ONE time I had too much to drink. ONCE in 12 years of being a parent. So don’t start judging me as some sort of alcoholic, that’s just absurd.

I’d like to add that I have described the screaming incident to both our support worker and a counsellor, neither of which jumped on it and suggested my kids should be “rescued”. I am not defending or excusing my behaviour or actions. But to start telling me my kids should be rescued etc is just a step too far.

Op ask to get this moved to relationships

OP, when I was a child, I once found my DM sitting crying on the stairs.

It still affects me 50 years later. I'll never forget the absolute fear that was inside me seeing her like that.

The one thing you can do to keep your children feeling safe is to keep your feelings away from them.

Be strong.

Almost fifty, I appreciate your comment and perspective but personally I disagree. I never saw my mum cry and I find that quite odd, especially after she lost her dad. I find it strange and old fashioned to hide emotions from children. I wouldn’t want them to be afraid of their emotions and think it’s not ok to show them. I have been openly sad and grieving with my children at times and I don’t think it’s wrong and I think it shows them that it’s normal to be sad and have a bad day and the next day you bounce back again. That’s human experience.

It should not come as a jolt for children to discover their mother is human, the way it did for you, Almostfifty.