To find this unacceptable by DH

[MarissaE]

Hi all,

AIBU to think it’s not ok whatever we are arguing about for DH to ask “why are you crying?? Just stop”. And then when I try and tell him what I am upset about his response is “there are bigger things to cry about” and tells me to just get on with things. (We were about to take the kids to the park and I couldn’t just get on with it after he invalidated me like that). I told him it’s never acceptable to say that to anyone and he thinks it is. AIBU??

I also struggle to believe that you were unable to avoid screaming in the middle of the night. Who does that really? Regardless of your pain (I’ve had horrific events and trauma in my own life), I just don’t see that you had no other course of action. And if you couldn’t control that urge, why wasn’t that a turning point. You say that was the result of a breakdown but what help have you accessed since then.

Agree with Bibliox, growing up as a ASD child in a volatile, unstable home I used to wish for my parents to split up. I found it terrifying and really distressing

I do believe in being as open and honest as I can with my kids and if I am crying I think that’s ok. If DH and I are having an argument I won’t lie to the kids
You can't post implying that you take the high road when your DH says things you'd never say when you take this approach OP. Your behaviour is manipulative but you have minimised it every chance you've had. How can you improve things for those poor children if you cannot even admit your own failings here. Not, oh yeah, I shouldn't have done that but really owning the motivation for doing some of the things you do.
I am the child of a similar scenario. Until YOU seek the help you so clearly need, things won't get better.
This does not mean I think your DH is faultless here because that is so not the case.

You will always get a mixture of replies on this board just ignore the negative ones and read the helpful ones
Better known as cherry pick to only hear the ones you agree with.

Posters here are being a bit unfair about what seems to be a one off incident that happened months ago.

Overall he seems to be really cold and unsympathetic to the point where its harming its mental health further. You could understand him growing impatient and becoming unsympathetic, but his lack of sympathy just seems excessive. I think you both definitely need counselling.

On a side note I think male and female attitude to crying and tears can often cause difficulties. Female on average are far more likely to cry, where men usually only cry very rarely in reaction to extreme stress. So men may find it hard to deal with women who cry more frequently than they would. Although this is no excuses for his coldness here.

her mental health, not it's. Sorry OP I didn't mean to dehumanize you. That was a stupid mistake.

Your DH is cruel. However wailing so much in the night you wake the children up is unfair. Stop involving them in your arguments. They are children and don’t need to be involved.

No wonder your autistic child is struggling. Your behaviour will be escalating their anxiety. Both of you need to sort yourselves out.

I think you are all at breaking point, you with your husband and him with you.

It’s incredibly difficult to live in both your lives as they are at the moment it sounds like and after 20 year on meds for depression going off them seems like a very bad idea. You deffo need to get back to your docs this week and get back onto them.

He’s not kind to you, but it sounds like he has hit breaking point as well with the situation. It’s very hard to have a conversation with someone who cries in every situation. And I think he’s reached the point where he’s just mean to you about it all.

Personally I think the best thing would be to both take a break from your relationship, the children don’t need to be exposed to the toxic atmoshpere anymore. It would also do you some good being away from them a few days a few and having some “you” time for some self love.

Your husbands reaction to your crying is completely unhelpful. I know when I am having a hard time for other reasons, minor things that my dp does can trigger me to cry and his first instinct is to tell me I’m overreacting etc. We’ve discussed it separately and he now understands that it’s not something I do intentionally, it’s not either my or his fault (I’m not trying to guilt him) and when it happens we can pause and pick up the disagreement later.

"agreeing to things he doesn't want"

This is BS from him. You accepting this version of events is you accepting abuse.

He's using this to make you doubt everything you do now and stoop to please him. He wouldn't have agreed to things he didn't actually want, you weren't holding a gun to his head.

By saying that he's agreed to things he didn't want, he's retroactively disengaging from responsibility for choices he made. Let me guess: you were supposedly the only one who wanted children, and he only went along because he didn't want to lose you? Men love to play that one both ways. Don't believe the hype, this is a way to keep you feeling guilty and responsible for the kids while he makes sure you know that he's at his absolute limit and couldn't dream of taking any more responsibility himself.

Depends. Some people cry at the drop of a hat. I think at times it’s like abusive control in reverse as they have learnt over time that if they just cry they get their way, people give in, they get attention etc. It’s like they learn it as positive reinforcement from an early age.

Sounds like you're at your absolute emotional limit, OP. I've been in a relationship with an invalidating partner and it's horrible. Took me ages to identify the problem, because my partner was just trying to minimise my pain; an act of kindness.
Your husband on the other hand, is being actively cruel. You are allowed to cry, all day, every day, if you want. Even then, his responses would be inappropriate. Remind yourself that he is just a person. He has no right to tell you how you should feel. Really, if he didn't keep doing this, I suspect you wouldn't be crying half as much in the first place.
What can you do, today, to make yourself feel more empowered? Anything at all, it might be something in your head, like repeating internally 'I respect my own feelings!' Or 'Nobody has the right to tell me how to feel!'
Ultimately you need to not be around him at all. His behaviour is damaging and unhealthy for you.
Re those posting negatively, saying crying is manipulative/annoying... well, I think your posts would be written very differently if you were a person who was pissed off because they weren't able to manipulate their husband. Those posts are invalidating too, and hugely lacking empathy.

I appreciate all the comments and it is making me think long and hard about my own behaviour. The night I was screaming was a complete and utter cry for help I guess. Wrong as it may be, I felt so alone, DH and I hadn’t slept in the same bed it barely shared a hug since I lost my dad. But equally I should have prevented that breakdown by looking after myself and my mental health. That was my responsibility. You are all right about that.

I do agree that men and women are wired differently and DH doesn’t seem to know how to deal with me at the moment (although strangely be always used to).

In terms of agreeing to things he didn’t want... definitely not the kids, he wanted kids far more than I did actually when we met. It’s just things like he didn’t want to still live in a small house (he blames me for not wanting to move but our autistic daughter would be devastated by a change like that), he suddenly blamed me for the pets we have and said they were all mine now and my responsibility because he never wanted them, he gave up on tidying the house months ago because it’s my fault we have too much stuff etc. His mum is very domineering and as a child he never dared to say no to her or have his own opinion (I am not sure he knows what his opinions even are or who he really is), so he came into our relationship just going along with what I said and wanted. I am much more passionate about things and he is very passive. So that’s how it went. He didn’t take an active part in things, didn’t make decisions or voice opinions but now is bitter and resentful. I can see at times I may have pushed my views if I was passionate about something (such as our animals) but as someone said, I did not put a gun to his head. Neither did I force him to stay if he was so unhappy with things. So I am angry at having all this thrown at me now when I can’t do anything about it.

You are bereaved and have a MH issue - depression, and relationship problems that presumably pre-date those things.

Suggest counselling, alone, with someone well qualified, and speaking to your GP if your current treatment isn’t helping.

It does sound like your H’s attitudes and behaviours are unhelpful to say the least and that it’d be better to separate, for yourself and your DCs’ sake.

As someone who cries easily, and who had a Mother who cried easily...I honestly think it can have a long term negative effect on children. I've worked hard on emotional regulation, so I no longer freely cry in front of my children. It's not fair on them. It's not about hiding emotion, but it burdens them if they see Mummy cry too much. I'm okay to say to them "Mummy feel sad", but I don't want them to have to deal with my emotional dysregulation.
I think your husband's comments and attitude sound pretty mean and unhelpful, especially when he speaks that way in front of the children.
Would you be open to, maybe, marriage counselling, as if you want this family unit to thrive, it sounds like both of you need some support with communication styles for the children's sake and for your long term prospects as a couple. 💚

“ We have considered separation many times“. Sounds like it’s more than time to go through with that.

Your DC’s autism isn’t a good reason to stick with the shitty status quo.

You mention being exhausted / wanting a break: what’s the current set up with respect to paid work, domestic work and parenting? What do you expect he’d be like post separation in terms of parenting / how often he’d have the DC?

It sounds like you need to separate tbh.
I can tell you from personal experience that staying together for the kids does not work when your both creating a negative atmosphere in the house.

Thank you all for your comments and kindness.

We did finally go to couples therapy last week for the first time. I went in with an attitude of being open to hearing what is my fault and taking responsibility and looking forward whereas DH stated how awful everything is. When asked what first attracted us to each other, I answered that he was easy to talk to, nice looking, empathic etc. He answered that I looked cute in a hat, was different and then went off on a whole rant about how my hormones have affected our relationship and how that’s been the whole problem. It was really odd. Although I know he has this obsession with everything being hormonal. There definitely is an element of that, undeniably, but it isn’t the whole picture as I can’t argue on my own. But he refuses to see he has a part in it and could make a huge difference to my hormonal time of the month by being a little bit kinder rather than looking at his calendar and saying “yep you’re right on schedule” when we have an argument or I dare to be upset about anything. I really wish I had recorded the therapy session as I am not sure DH has any awareness of how he comes across. I do wonder if he is also on the autistic spectrum (I have both asd and adhd) as he often says clumsy things and doesn’t get why things are inappropriate. He lacks basic manners, but I suspect that is more to do with never being shown or taught them by his mother than anything else. She is the rudest person I have ever met

Counselling for you alone would be far better IMO.

Has he said whether HE wants to stay married? It doesn’t sound like it.

Fuck me there are unsympathetic shits on here who know nothing about true depression. It isn’t a fucking choice you know.

You need help and this bully you live with will not give you that. He is cold and cruel and using your children to make you feel worse, every time he effectively says “mummy started it” he is twisting them against you and saying YOU are to blame.

Passive aggression is Incredibly manipulative - it puts you on edge as you never know what the truth is, you never have validation for anything and anything and everything which has been agreed can come back in the future. Nothing is ever settled and it can make you incredibly anxious. It makes depression worse.

Get to the GP as an emergency appointment - you desperately need help. Get your head in a better place and get out of this relationship

IT doesn't matter why he does it, OP. You could spend years tearing yourself apart trying to get a grip on the origins of his behaviour. If he continues to put all the blame on you, it doesn't matter why. It just matters that that's how he behaves, and how you feel as a result.

Nobody should be in an ongoing position of coaching their partner in how not to be cruel to them.

If we were to separate he says he would move out as I am the full time carer for the kids. I do work as well but I do that around them and it’s not much. Our autistic daughter generally only feels safe with me as I know her best so that would already create a problem if we split. She sometimes can’t bear me going out at all and if I do she needs plenty of warning and preparation. Sometimes I have to cancel plans. Our other daughter is close to her dad and me equally. I just imagine one of them wanting to go and be with him often and the other finding it too difficult to go at all and then having a split in our family. My own family ended up split down the middle (I was very much parentified as my dad was depressed), my brother struggled at school and was at home with my mum so they became incredibly close and that split never really healed. I still feel like my mum and brother are a team and always agree on everything/he is the golden child etc. And I feel resentful about that. And have always been extremely conscious of not letting that happen in my family.

Don't let something worse happen instead of that, though, OP. Current situation is actively bad for the kids right now. And you, of course!

The more you write about him, the more nasty & manipulative he sounds. I have had experience of being in a relationship with a narcissist and there are many similarities from your description. Your mental health situation will not improve while you are subject to his behaviour and I think you need professional, individual help to end this relationship and recover.

The person you’re married to us a massive git. I was married to one of these. It was awful.

I can empathise with the hormones because I felt, at times, so unpleasant to myself and everybody else I was prescribed Diazepam for those particular days of the month. However, I don't think you can reasonably expect someone to be on eggshells around you for up to a week every month and describe it as "being a little bit kinder". That's an emotional roller-coaster for the other person and really not fair. It's obviously also awful for you and I really recommend you see your Doctor about this also.

I can understand your frustration with your DH's passivity. It's hard to judge without his side of the story on that, though. In my family, one parent thinks the other parent is lazy and the other parent thinks that if/when they voice an opinion, all hell breaks loose. I just think "You're both right and thank goodness I'm out of there".