To find this unacceptable by DH

[MarissaE]

Hi all,

AIBU to think it’s not ok whatever we are arguing about for DH to ask “why are you crying?? Just stop”. And then when I try and tell him what I am upset about his response is “there are bigger things to cry about” and tells me to just get on with things. (We were about to take the kids to the park and I couldn’t just get on with it after he invalidated me like that). I told him it’s never acceptable to say that to anyone and he thinks it is. AIBU??

Stop trying to convince us, and more importantly yourself op. Being open about emotions in the way you are has the reverse effect, dc learn to hide their emotions from parents that aren't in control of their own.

I saw my mother crying all the time, either to manipulate or in frustration because her tears weren't having the desired result. As a result there are very few people that have ever seen me upset, and fewer still that have seen me cry. I had to be resilient because my mother refused to be, and that's not only disturbing at the time, it leaves permanent scars.

I did receive apologies and explanations too, and they just made it worse. Because as a child I had to accept the apology, and then offer reassurance it was forgiven and I understood etc etc.

My mother did a lot of other shit too, but there's no reason you can't move on from this if you accept it is harmful instead of burying your head in the sand.

@MarissaE I saw my DM cry a lot. I could never tell her if I needed help as a teen I always felt she wouldn't cope, to me she was weak always a victim. I've counselled and advised her for years, though she never makes changed. I'd lots of hate for Dad growing up as I was her soundboard. I now see the truth but still spend time acting like her parent.

@TrainspottingWelsh Very true.

I can see your thinking op but it's flawed. I thought like you a bit - for the same reasons, actually - when my kids were young - it was a mistake. Kids need us to stand like an oak, immovable.