What did he think being a parent meant?!

[WindFlower92]

Ugh. Second time posting about DH and our relationship. We have an 8mo girl, and so far she's been a pretty easy baby! I'm on maternity leave, due to go back next month part time, 3 days a week.

Just had a massive argument with DH. I might be being crazy but I have a feeling I'm not! He feels hard done by because he never gets a break - he gets in from work (which tbf is a full on job with lots of overtime) and then plays with DD and we take it in turns to sort dinner/do bath etc. I always do bedtime as she breastfeeds to sleep and this takes anywhere between 1-3 hours! Basically our argument was about the fact that he feels that when he gets home I expect him to look after DD, and he needs downtime. But where's my downtime?! I've explained to him that he has 2 full time jobs now - his paid job and being a dad. It's 'unfair' for now as I don't go to work, but what is he expecting to happen in a month when I do? We both need downtime, but in reality someone has to do all that stuff with DD still. That's part of being a parent! I just don't know what he expected - that some magic fairy was going to do it all for us?? I just feel so disappointed as I really didn't think he'd act like having a child would be such a burden for him.

Just wanted to have a rant, sorry if it makes no sense. I know the advice - I've read threads like this in despair before! And I know I sound like such a mumsnet cliche

I don't suppose there are any people out there that were in this situation and worked together to get themselves out of it and are now still happily married? Ugh.

It's 'unfair' for now as I don't go to work

Does he mean to say that what you do all day is not work? Because if it's not, taking over some of it when he gets home from his 'real job' is a piece of piss, surely? The fact is that you work just as hard as he does, perhaps even harder as you have no breaks even to go to the toilet and if you're doing the night wakings you're on duty 24/7.

I'd be very disappointed too if I were you. Like you say, this is what it is to be a parent.

Maybe agree that he gets, a few times a week, an hour to himself when he comes in to do something, to read, go for a walk, game, have a bath, whatever he wants. Then have dinner together, he has baby whilst you read, have a bath etc for an hour before you do bedtime routine. So then you both get some downtime at least. It's important that you both recharge. He needs to understand that you need that time too and you do have a full time job looking after baby all day.

His down time is when you do bed time.
Sit down now and discuss how it is going to work when you are both working.
We used to alternate sleep ins on weekends.
What was his childhood like, did his parents have traditional roles?

I think this is every parent. The early years are pretty relentless. Gorgeous, but v boring too

And it's horrible, but you get into this competitive cycle....
I'm more tired
No I'M more tired etc

There are only two ways to break it...
A. The child/routine changes (which does happen eventually. Maybe after one or both of you ate under the patio)
Or
B. You be v v v grown up. You acknowledge and appreciate - out loud - what he does. You listen and hear him. Not in a 50s housewife way, in an adult way. You expect same back. You make compromises and adjustments to make his day a teeny bit better, and ask him to do same for you. You hold onto the fact you love each other and the child you created together and you get through it together.

Or
C. You get through it with hatred and resentment. You stay together as 2 seperate resentful units, or split. Everyone loses.

Make a good choice!

@DeadCucumber he generally gets in about 5 (on a good day) which is her dinner time. We try and eat at the bedtime time but it depends when DH gets home. Sometimes he eats separately to us. Bedtime starts at about 6:30 and I go up with her at about 7. So about an hour to squeeze all that in and I just don't know how we could rearrange our evenings. Like @Weenurse said, his downtime is when I go up at 7 surely? My only chance for downtime is pretty much when he gets in, and even then I either do bath or dinner so that eats into it.

@Weenurse we do alternative weekends, so that's a plus! But then we have the same argument because he needs to 'recharge' as he's had a busy week His parents are great - dad very involved and they seem like equals and share all chores. They all have a great relationship (he has a brother and a sister) and I get on with them very well. I was hoping they would have influenced him more as I feel they would be on my side with this! I might have a word with them to see if they can speak to him.

Thanks for the advice all! I hate feeling stuck like this, it's like he's not the man I thought he would be.

Sorry, we try and eat at the same time, not the bedtime time!

I say this from experience. You both need to be able to take some sort of 'me time' or you will both grow to somewhat resent both parenting and each other.

If that means that you allocate one day of one weekend each month for both of you then that is what you need to do but you do need some time with no responsibilities and the free choice to do as you please.

I also kindly suggest that it might be a good time to teach your daughter to go to sleep without the need to fall asleep at the breast., I also speak from experience when I say you will likely grow to resent this in time as you come to feel completely restricted by this. It can be done with minimal upset for the both of you and will give you so much time back each day.

As Moving says - it's pretty relentless when they're young and there are only a few ways to approach it. He certainly needs to realise he's no more hard done by than you (if that's the real issue - that he thinks you're on easy street and he's resentful that's a bit different and this advice won't be much help). You both, probably, need to acknowledge that it's really hard and you are not thriving under it and perhaps you need to switch things up a bit to take a bit more pressure in one thing so you can free things up elsewhere and have some real free time.

Do you have any way to get childcare once a fortnight or so? I know there's a lot of pressure to have "date nights" to keep things romantic, but we actually found that Saturday or Sunday brunch time was when we most liked having baby free time.

Or could you have dinner be less involved for a while so when one person is doing bath the other can just laze around instead of sorting dinner? Does he get free time when you are doing bedtime? Perhaps he could batch cook then so that when he gets in there's no pressure to get on with dinner? Is there some other way to arrange things so there is some downtime? I certainly felt like I needed it when my kids were babies, I think a lot of people do.

Does he mean to say that what you do all day is not work? Because if it's not, taking over some of it when he gets home from his 'real job' is a piece of piss, surely?

Or is he one of those men who think it's easy for women and hard for men? Those men are sexist arseholes.

Rereading your second post - it sounds like his big issue is that he thinks you have it easy being at home with her. when you get "your day" at the weekend, what does that actually involve? Since you're breastfeeding still are you still hanging around and sorting a lot of things out for him?

Have you tried leaving him for the whole weekend to see how it really feels to be on call all day and night? (difficult when breastfeeding but you could perhaps express? Presumably, you need to work up to some solution for when you return to work anyway?) Because it sounds like he could do with that sort of a wakeup call. You are going back to work v. soon and it sounds like he has no awareness of how much you are doing at home.

I'd ask him how he expects it to work once you go back to work. Does he expect to do 50/50 in the evenings of your work days or will he expect you to do it all every day because you 'work less' overall? That will give you a good idea of his 'mindset'. If he thinks it should be 50/50 then remind him that you're starting back to work next month so the two of you need to get into the swing of things now, before you start back. If he hems and haws or says you should still do it all because you 'work less', then you have a big problem.

DH and I really didn't face this (too much) because he literally left for work the moment I walked in the door. But he did have dinner started, homework was normally done, and the DC had faces & hands washed for dinner. And on days he didn't work and was home in the evening he cheerfully chipped in during bath and bed time.

If he won't listen to you about the need for him to take responsibility as a father, maybe his dad will tear him a new one.

Does the baby not nap during the day?

I had a similar issue with my Dp without first born. He thought I was living this life of luxury and it was all easy. Spoke numerous times about how he got no time to himself. I went away with my friends for 2 days and when I got back he couldn't believe how much I actually did on a daily basis. He actually joked that going to work for him was more than enough downtime for him. We agreed we both needed downtime each day although doesnt always happen everyday with 2 now. Your dp needs to see every little thing you do on a daily basis and then he should appreciate it. Take a few days away to yourself but compromise and offer him the same. Worked for me and now we are an unstoppable team. Good luck OP!

No advice but I completely relate - my baby is six months and I am in exactly this situation, except I have longer before I go back to work. I'm trying to just push through it and remember what I love about my husband, but it's difficult not to feel crushingly disappointed. I absolutely trusted my husband would step up when our baby was born. In retrospect I see that there were signs (he's always been very protective of his "down time" i.e. computer games), but he's always pulled his weight without much complaint until now.

Thanks for posting OP - the comments here are great!

You do both need some downtime so I think you need to figure out how to make that happen.

Re. Your bedtime routine. I agree with a PP that it would be good if you can moving towards not falling asleep at the breast, esp. if it takes up to 3 hours!. Do you express? I did and my DH would often give our DC a bedtime bottle. It was good bonding/relaxing time for them and it didn't take as long. That enabled me to tidy up downstairs and we also had some time to ourselves in the evenings.

We have less evening time now the DC are older and have homework and activities, so I'd recommend making the most of it now!

Maternity leave is a thing because it's full on looking after a new baby. That it's mainly women who do it doesn't make it easier for women. It can be horribly isolating and something we want to do.

It's such a strange situation to be tied down by the baby and wanting to be with them the whole time.

When you go back to work make it 50/50. Enjoy the wine ladies! Is a good day for it. 😏 defuckingfrosting the freezer

Echoing what others have said. You both need downtime. Not feeding to sleep would definitely help you with that.

I might have a word with them to see if they can speak to him

Seriously? Please don't.

It's not like you'd get no downtime during the day so I guess that's where his argument is coming from. On the other hand, I'm sure he has lunch breaks/travel time etc to relax.
He's not going to have that same argument once you're back at work though so you need to come to some agreement/arrangement so it is fair on you both.

You are spending too long feeding to sleep. I completely get it when people feed to sleep because its quick & easy but why if it is taking up to three hours? He's probably thinking of that time as quite chilled out for you.

Can you also be more organised during the day to free up time for the evenings- a 8month old should be napping for a good 2-3 hours of the day. While I can see that you need perhaps 30 mins while she naps in the morning for a shower etc, another 30 later on to eat some lunch, can you use the rest of the time to prep dinner & reclaim the evenings a bit?

In the nicest way possible, up to 6 months it's really full on with a baby, but imho from 6months on it does usually get easier in the day as they nap quite predictably etc, so it's usually possible for a parent on.leave to do a bit of the cooking too.

Batch cooking together on a weekend is a great idea.
It will make dinner time a little less stressful

We went through similar when our first baby was born, and I am pleased to say that we came out the other side and are still happily married 21 years, and 2 more babies, later.
I could write pages on the subject, but I will stick to a few points.
Firstly, this too will pass. I know it seems never ending now but it isn't. The time when your baby is so,so dependent on you and it is so intense and tiring is really only a short time. Don't wish it away, but remember that even this time next year things will be very different.
Talk. Try to see things more from each other's perspective. Both your lives have changed hugely, but differently. Try to be honest with each other about how you are feeling, and don't underestimate the influence of the fact that one of you has a body flooded with oxytocin and the other doesn't.
Remember you are both the same people. You loved each other to make this baby. All that you love about each other is still there, so try to appreciate those things. It is so easy, for both partners to focus on the things that are currently irking them about the other one and forget all their positive qualities. Don't get hung up on things that really aren't that important.
Paradoxically you may find things get better when you go back to work, as your roles become less different. I found that whilst it brought some different challenges, our relationship improved once I was back at work.
But basically remember that you are on the same side, you love each other, that this is not going to last forever, and above all, talk to each other. Keep the lines of communication open and be prepared to agree to disagree sometimes.

Ask him what he would do if he were a single parent?! Single parents get zero downtime!

It doesn’t found like he’s doing that much in the evening really. If he was single, he’d have to make dinner and doing bath time/stories is one if the nice parenting bits. The hard work at that age is if they’re sick and you’re running around cleaning up vomiting or they are waking up all the time. It’s important for him to do bedtime if he’s around as it’s a nice way of developing his bond.

I would say though it would help you to work on your evening routine. Taking up to 3 hours is setting you up for a lot of fuss and hard work later on. If you can break the feeding to sleep, it’ll be easier in the long-run and better for teeth. 3 hour bedtimes just aren’t going to be sustainable when you’re back at work. For example, my 10m old will have her dinner at 6, bath at 6.30 and be down asleep by 7. I just put her down into her cot after stories and cuddles and she gets herself to sleep. I couldn’t cope if I didn’t have some time to myself in the evenings.

Also with one child that age, there is no reason why both of you can’t have a few hours free on the weekend to do your own thing. It’s important to to talk about these things now as they will be harder if you have another. Toddlers are probably more rewarding and fun but harder work in many ways.

As you’re doing the bedtime routine, sure that’s when he gets his downtime?