What did he think being a parent meant?!

[WindFlower92]

Ugh. Second time posting about DH and our relationship. We have an 8mo girl, and so far she's been a pretty easy baby! I'm on maternity leave, due to go back next month part time, 3 days a week.

Just had a massive argument with DH. I might be being crazy but I have a feeling I'm not! He feels hard done by because he never gets a break - he gets in from work (which tbf is a full on job with lots of overtime) and then plays with DD and we take it in turns to sort dinner/do bath etc. I always do bedtime as she breastfeeds to sleep and this takes anywhere between 1-3 hours! Basically our argument was about the fact that he feels that when he gets home I expect him to look after DD, and he needs downtime. But where's my downtime?! I've explained to him that he has 2 full time jobs now - his paid job and being a dad. It's 'unfair' for now as I don't go to work, but what is he expecting to happen in a month when I do? We both need downtime, but in reality someone has to do all that stuff with DD still. That's part of being a parent! I just don't know what he expected - that some magic fairy was going to do it all for us?? I just feel so disappointed as I really didn't think he'd act like having a child would be such a burden for him.

Just wanted to have a rant, sorry if it makes no sense. I know the advice - I've read threads like this in despair before! And I know I sound like such a mumsnet cliche

I don't suppose there are any people out there that were in this situation and worked together to get themselves out of it and are now still happily married? Ugh.

Something that worked for us was a schedule, on a whiteboard in the kitchen. Having a list of jobs and rough timings took the heat out of it a bit and was helpful when everyone was tired. Use the return to work as a chance to reset. Be prepared for strategic incompetence. If told 'but you're so much better at XYZ', say 'yes, I've had a lot of practice!' The phrase that used to get my goat was 'where do we keep...'

I had 3 under 3 ,I found a routine was the only way to stay sane ,
Right from day one mine were bathed at 6 pm bottle ,then bed at 7 pm .if they woke I fed them and put them back to bed.if they didn’t sleep well at night ,I cut down naps in the day .none of them napped in the day after 18 months.
I would of gone mad if I did not have my evening child free ,that didn’t mean I left them to cry ,I didn’t,but I did read story books to them from day one to settle them to sleep.
Lots of people laughed at me reading to anew born baby ,but once you set up a routine,it works ,and I didn’t have to change anything for years .

In the nicest way possible, up to 6 months it's really full on with a baby, but imho from 6months on it does usually get easier in the day as they nap quite predictably etc, so it's usually possible for a parent on.leave to do a bit of the cooking too.
Unless you have a crap sleeper or a baby who'll only sleep in the pram on the move or out of the house or in the sling. And can't get anything done any more when they're awake because they started crawling at 6 months. In the nicest possible way, it depends entirely on the baby you get.

OP, you're not BU to be disappointed in him. You don't need to stop BFing to sleep BUT as pp say, if it's taking up to 3 hours it's not working for anyone.

Priority to sort is bedtime. If you put her down at 7, you both have the rest of the evening to relax.

Feeding to sleep is really normal and natural but 1-3 hours isn’t normal for an 8 month old. They should only be breastfeeding for a maximum of 20 mins at a time after about 4/5 months so three hours is extreme. I think if you didn’t feed for so long in the evenings you’d both feel like you had more downtime. Is she eating enough food? How many naps a day and what time is her final nap?

Anyway, I’d argue his ‘downtime’ is when you’re spending up to three hours getting her to sleep tbh and you don’t really get any by the sounds of it. I bet his attitude doesn’t change when you go back to work either, it’ll probably be a case of ‘but you only work part time’ .

So basically he doesn’t want to ge with his child in the week? A loving Dad would surely want every previous minute with his DC. My DH raced home from his stressful professional job as soon as he could to see DS. I have a lovely photo of them sitting at the top of the stairs chatting about their day - DS in pyjamas and DH still in his work suit

From experience, you need to try and sort it before you are back at work, as you know. Otherwise it will be the same old story, except you'll be working as well on top of everything else. I do wonder if part of it is that they don't realise how much our lives change, and how much 'day to day' stuff you do just to keep the house running and baby content. He is right that he does need some me time, but so do you, and some couple time.

He gets in at five! That’s very early unless he left home at five. He should feel happy that he gets to relax from seven o’clock, I doubt most parents do. He really needs a reality check.

Why are you feeding to sleep for 1-3 hours? That seems an excessive length of time and is using up the whole evening. Can you feed her downstairs while you both watch TV together?

Mine have a very strong routine and sleep very well, and it doesn't involve a bath.
I think mums are advised to do this wrongly as bathing baby every day is very harsh on their skin and strips it of natural oils.
My baby and toddler get 2 baths a week at most and always have done. In the heatwave we let them play in the paddling pool and if they need a bath, it's in the middle of the day or before dinner.

I know you like this routine but could you consider another? Less rush.

I think you are a bit unreasonable here. Being off work with an 8 month old is pretty easy and I think you should expect to be doing most of the childcare and housework. Your husband will be tired when he gets in and may just want half an hour to unwind. This must be possible at least some days. Surely he can sit in front of the TV with the baby whilst you cook, or baby can be in the kitchen with you.
You have all day to bath the baby - your husband shouldn't have to do this when he's tired. They don't need bathing every day anyway.
Get bedtime routine a bit shorter - half an hour should be plenty.
Then you will have the evening to yourselves after 7 pm or so. If you completely sideline your relationship in favour of the baby your marriage will suffer which will be worse for the baby in the long run.

Every couple has this row from time to time - we had a variation last night and ours are 12 and 13! It so often feels like one of you is doing more than the other, and that's unfair. It is full on when they are that young, nobody gets much downtime. That will get better eventually, in the meantime you have to work on compromises, diving up the time so you both get a bit of a break.

An bath was never part of our nightly routine either. It actually woke them up more in the early days so I soon put a stop to it.

But he gets loads of downtime while you're putting the baby to bed (for up to 3 hours?!?!)

What Is he proposing, what are his plans?! You run around doing dinner AND looking after the baby (after doing it all day) AND getting her ready for bed AND putting her to bed every night - while he does what exactly?!

And I'd!be pretty disappointed that he doesn't actually want to spend that small amount of time in the evening his baby daughter...

Just for comparison, my DH used literally run to the station (15 mins!) so he could get the train that meant he was back in time to put our baby to bed. It was so tight some days and sometimes he missed the train and then missed seeing her before she went to bed and he would be absolutely gutted. She was asleep when he went to work so it meant he missed a whole day of seeing her and he hated that.

They're only little for such a short time, why on earth does he not want to see her for an hour or so before she goes to bed?!

My husband has so very man flaws. Really. Absolutely loads and loads and loads.

However, he lost his job at the end of my 9 month maternity leave with our first child and so he took over when i went back to work. Essentially he, involuntarily, shared the leave. It took him a few months to get a new job. I absolutely believe this is what made him a capable hands-on father. He had no choice. Just like mothers have no choice on mat leave. Shit gets done because it needs to be done. From the start though we shared night feeds; i breastfed and he winded, changed and resettled them, so he was never a lazy parent.

Shared leave i believe is the answer to inequality in the home and workplace. Also, i worked 4 days and dh worked 4 days. Why have one parent full-time getting ft pension contributions etc and one pr and pt pension contributions?

Surely he can sit in front of the TV with the baby whilst you cook, or baby can be in the kitchen with you.

Welcome to the 1950s everyone...

He then spends 3 more hours in front of the tv while she puts the baby to bed!!! When does she get downtime?!

And oh yes a crawling baby in the kitchen while she's cooking dinner sounds like a great idea...

I can see both sides of this. I was guilty of prattling on as soon as my dh walked in the door and he used to ask if I could talk to him later.
He used to get changed and have a brew before he could really switch into husband mode.
I realised what it was like when he retired before me. We had a system where I returned home from work and he would say the kettle is on, I’m taking the dog out. That 30 minutes of peace was bliss.
You probably just need a discussion as once you’re both working things will be harder as you say.
Both of you need downtime but I honestly think the person who has just got in from work needs time to unwind. Unless of course you’ve had the day from hell. But hopefully that’s not often.

It would be nice if he viewed spending time playing with his baby was a good way to unwind.
But once again, we have yet another bloke who views it as hard work and a chore for him to have to do, but that it's OK for you to do it all day (and evening) every day.

He’s lazy. His baby isn’t a household chore! He should be delighted to spend time with her after being away all day.

My previous ex came home at 5pm, took baby and played or sat with her while I got the evening meal - which was a break really because I could zone out a bit and know if baby needed anything it would be DH who’d sort it. We then ate together.

Early on, we bathed DD together because we enjoyed doing it. Later he took on the bath because he enjoyed doing it. This was a special time for him. I then put DD to bed and breastfed as long as she wanted (there’s no such thing as ‘extreme breastfeeding 🙄 ) DH was relaxing/tidying downstairs. We then had our evening together.

He never complained - why would he? It sounds like your DH has no idea about being a parent and is still quite self-centred. You have a job too - looking after DD, with no breaks and being on call all the time. You also have housework, shopping, etc. He seems to think you’re sitting with your feet up, filing your nails and watching TV.

I went back to work full-time when DS was five months. DH is a SAHD, I'm part-time now. The time I'm at work (3 days) DH has DS. The rest of the time we split 50:50.

We have a schedule and each day is split into time segments. It means when I get in at around 4pm I go straight into Mum-mode, which is tough because as a teacher I don't really get a proper break in the day. But it means a few hours seeing DS and putting him to bed, then I have nice, quiet, me-time which DH respects as my whole day is usually with people talking to me the whole time. I am with DS most of the other two days I'm not working, which I love, then I get Saturdays "off" and I do most of Sundays with him.

So were both get the downtime we need, yet both get to spend time with our son. If we didn't have the schedule, we'd have killed each other by now, I'm sure.

8m is still young- feeding to sleep is fine. You just need to negotiate the rest of the time.

Oh god batch cooking . Ugh.
The few times I’ve done it, even though one meal is lovely, no one wants to eat the frozen ones.
Six months down the line I throw them all out.

I think people need to remember that not all babies nap.

There are several comments about the OP getting 'downtime' during the day - ok, lovely if the baby genuinely does regularly sleep for 3 hours. In that case, ok, she's potentially getting the same sort of 'downtime' as her DH.

My baby didn't nap. Sure, she might sleep in the car, but until she was 2 she wouldn't nap longer than 30 minutes, and rarely that. It was relentless. She was also a rotten sleeper and went through a joyous year of refusing to go down until 11 then bouncing up bright at 6am. Thank god, she's now nearly 3 and naps, sleeps through etc. just fine.

I knew an awful lot of people whose babies didn't nap or didn't nap much (because you chat to people with the same problem), and I do think there are quite a few of us out there.

OP, I think it is really rough early on. I would also be feeling quite cross with your DH. But, in the interests of not killing each other, I'd start by sitting down with him and discussing the plan for when you go back to work. I agree carving out some downtime each is really important. But also just tell him how you feel. When I was at home with a tiny one (and I wasn't breastfeeding which makes things harder for you), the moment DP walked through the door I wanted her to grab the baby. And obviously, DP wanted to sink into a chair and rest. It's a horrible stage.

@Sallylovescheese
Wow only one of you works part time ?
How on earth do you live ?

We had this argument for at least a year & nearly divorced, but now my daughter is 4 and we are a happy family. We had to make a schedule that felt fair to us both. Also, dp enjoyed childcare much more as my daughter grew and could talk. Hope this gives some hope that it can resolve!