What did he think being a parent meant?!

[WindFlower92]

Ugh. Second time posting about DH and our relationship. We have an 8mo girl, and so far she's been a pretty easy baby! I'm on maternity leave, due to go back next month part time, 3 days a week.

Just had a massive argument with DH. I might be being crazy but I have a feeling I'm not! He feels hard done by because he never gets a break - he gets in from work (which tbf is a full on job with lots of overtime) and then plays with DD and we take it in turns to sort dinner/do bath etc. I always do bedtime as she breastfeeds to sleep and this takes anywhere between 1-3 hours! Basically our argument was about the fact that he feels that when he gets home I expect him to look after DD, and he needs downtime. But where's my downtime?! I've explained to him that he has 2 full time jobs now - his paid job and being a dad. It's 'unfair' for now as I don't go to work, but what is he expecting to happen in a month when I do? We both need downtime, but in reality someone has to do all that stuff with DD still. That's part of being a parent! I just don't know what he expected - that some magic fairy was going to do it all for us?? I just feel so disappointed as I really didn't think he'd act like having a child would be such a burden for him.

Just wanted to have a rant, sorry if it makes no sense. I know the advice - I've read threads like this in despair before! And I know I sound like such a mumsnet cliche

I don't suppose there are any people out there that were in this situation and worked together to get themselves out of it and are now still happily married? Ugh.

I think if you can shorten down the bedtime routine you'll both have an evening. When you go back to work, you won't want to spend that amount of time sitting around feeding, especially if you need to get on with work in the evening. You will feel better then.

We have two with a 15 month age gap. I would do all night wakings four days a week and dh three. I would then make sure he had a lie in one day at the weekend and I would have an afternoon nap as I work Saturdays so no chance of a lie in. He feeds the kids dinner usually or I feed one child and him the other. We then eat together. He does bath and bed a few times a week and I do the rest. Dh works fulltime whereas I am part time. One meal a week is leftovers from the night before and l cook Monday's dinner on a Sunday evening so it just needs heating when I get home from work. I do the majority of the cooking but dh does the shopping and will clean.

We don't have much time apart from the kids at the moment unless at work and we are both trying to find a balance with household chores and family time. The difference is that my dh appreciates me and I him. We don't need to do the same chores for it to be equal. You need to be open about how you feel and involving his family is a no-no. For starters you might not get the response you expect and he may feel ganged up on. Yanbu but calm conversation is key.

OP, my DH only ‘got it’ after he was diagnosed with cancer and went through 6 months of chemo. DS was a toddler aged 3 and I was at home looking after all of us. Before then, he was very hands off.

Thankfully, DH is in remission now and Really wants to be involved in Family life and bringing up his son so he prioritises spending time with DS.

Lol, at an earlier poster suggesting friends and family babysitting to give you a break. If only!

Our one and only night out together to a friends for dinner was when DS was 8 yrs old and another friend offered to babysit for us, (insisted really). We’ve not been out together since and DS is 11 now. We do occasionally go out with our own friends whilst the other parent stays at home but pretty rarely. Thankfully, nights at the pub don’t appeal to either of us so it’s no big deal really.

It sounds like he needs more time being in sole charge of the baby, if he just points her at you when he's holding her and says she's not interesting. More Daddy bedtimes, bathtimes, story times, feeding. Building a bond with his child is a lot more important than weekends away right now.

Op if the baby is not settling for three hours why are you starting bedtime at 7? Why not keep her up til later and eat with your husband and relax about it. The whole bedtime at 7 thing is just a habit... If she is playing feeding and not settling what is the reason you are continually sitting upstairs with her?

You can teach a baby to settle without crying.. You just leave them for bits of time in the cot and wander in and out... Pick up and cuddle... Speak soothingly stay calm and over time just get them to get the concept of settling down and sleeping without a boob or bottle in the mouth. They do have to get there at some point. It's not as hard as it seems.

However I don't understand why you would spend hours upstairs if she won't settle. Shift bedtime back and she will surely sleep more easily

She is also waking constantly because she doesn't know how to stay asleep. I went through this with my own babies. Once they fall asleep without feeding they sleep much better.

@SallyLovesCheese I’m pleased for you, the small mortgage is the best, ours is a killer, plus if he works too, best of both worlds 😀

You need to get into a routine now that is workable when you return to work so baby is ready.

His daughter isn’t interesting????? What a fuc**ing tosser. And he feels taken for granted? Why exactly??Because he’s earning money? Your job is harder than his. I think you need to start putting your daughter to bed awake. Then she can learn to settle herself. But honestly your husband needs a reality check. I would be angrier than ever!!

@Writerandreader she's very inconsistent; last night it only took an hour and a half! And people keep telling me it'll get shorter if I stick with it, so I don't want to give up and get stuck with a later bedtime forever if that makes sense

Re the boring comment - ugh I agree with all of you it's horrible! But bizarrely it's reinforced by his parents saying that all babies this age are boring, dad doesn't have much to do. So that's obviously swayed his thinking before we even got going. He does play with her though and she loves it when he comes home, so he has bonded with her. I just want him to get over the idea that just because I'm breastfeeding I'm the only one who she likes. He can settle her to sleep in the day by rocking, just not at night as she won't have any of it!

How did people approach starting to mot feed to sleep?

Loads online on that OP. Lots (not all) is about DC aged over one. Eg Cry it out methods, “Gentle Sleep Solution”. I did Dr Jay Gordon’s method when DC was 13 months. Wouldn’t recommend doing any alone - can be exhausting! DH can do a lot with respect to night parenting.

His parents’ views aren’t surprising. Not great that rather than seeing that those views are shitty/sexist he’s parroting.

so I don't want to give up and get stuck with a later bedtime forever if that makes sense

You won’t. Babies needs change and you adapt eg nap times and the time they go to bed. I must have missed the part where you start bedtime at 7pm (?). I’ve found my DC’s bedtimes started out late and then very gradually moved earlier as they grew and stopped naps, got more active, etc etc

Each baby is different obviously but I’d never have such an early bedtime for a young baby. In the very early days, mine went down basically when we went to bed, then (I think) bedtime moved to 9ish, then 8ish, then 7.30, then 7pm.

how do people approach not to feed to sleep?

I would love to know the answer to this. My first, DD, I had severe PND so husband quit his job and pretty much did everything. She was never breast fed, all bottle and she was very easy to sleep.
My second, DS, is only 6mnths he is my barnacle. He loves sleep and sleeps well, and we do have a vague routine, but he is always fed to sleep. (Breast fed) which means I am doing most of it this time. However, that seems fair to me.

I am doing a lot of one pot/baking tray cooking, so everything just gets shoved in the oven for 40mins. That makes things easier. I also take kiddies out on a Saturday morning so DH has a sold three hours to himself, and then he does the same for me Sunday morning (currently on my way to the gym!)

I am angry on your baby's behalf that her dad and grandparents think she's boring. When she grows up and isn't particularly close to them because they couldn't be arsed when she was younger, they'll have only themselves to blame.

Hello,
Years ago (before I had my own) I remember my boss making comment along the lines of: "And then I get home and she throws the baby at me!" in a similar way to what your DH may be feeling.
I vowed there and then never to do that. When DH got home it was up to him to start baby stuff if/when he was ready.
It is so subtle... but a huge difference.
So don't ask him / tell him. Carry on and let him join in when he is ready. Don't wait for him to arrive home - just do what you do. (My DH has the same kind of job where he might be home at 5 or it might be 7 you never know until on the day what time he will turn up. Sometimes got a phone call if he will be very late but usually random arrival! Drives me insane... was awful waiting around when they were little... now our children are older and I work FT he's often home before me).

Bed time isn't fixed... I don't go to bed at the same time every night so I don't expect anyone else to. (It's not a complete free for all - there are limits, but we never had a strict "right it is 7.30 bed lights out" thing).

You each need to make time for yourself... and time as a family too. Hope you get some solutions!

Why not curl your hair and have a nice tipple and smoking jacket ready for him too! Heaven forbid that a father should parent / do domestics upon returning from work of an evening.

Just like WoH mums, who always get “down time” immediately after work and dinner cooked for us.

onlyjustme how is that going to work when she's back at work shortly? "Sorry baby, appreciate you need a nappy change and a feed but we are both putting our feet up right now after a long hard day, we will take care of you if/when we feel ready."

It IS really exhausting to get through the door and immediately have to start dealing with young children before you've even sat down. I try to get 10 minutes to recharge and reboot after work when I can (can't always, that's life). But this bloke already has 1-3 hours of 'downtime' while OP's doing bedtime, and doesn't even have his own child on his own for ten minutes! He really is not hard done by here and it shouldn't be her duty to keep the baby and its needs from bothering him.

When you return to work, strongly recommend DH doing AT LEAST one early finish / childcare pick up a week, and you stay out of the house until super close to DD’s bedtime.

Doing a parenting shift every single workday evening while the man has freedom to work late, do work travel, socialise, exercise/ whatever is not a good road to go down!

He can't have it both ways.

Either what you're doing is akin to full time work and that's why he can't jump straight into it when he gets home and needs some "downtime" but then likewise he needs to recognise that you also need the downtown

Or

You're living the life of Riley swanning around with the baby all day and it's a barrel of laughs for you from start to finish and therefore he should be jumping at the chance to take over once he gets in because it'll be so much easier than any other part of his day

Oh god. Sorry. I've done the worst MN thing of commenting before reading the full thread and realised you've already spoken to him. Sorry!

She's not interesting? That's such an awful thing to say.

But I find the idea of feeding a baby to sleep for three hours a night pretty ridiculous too tbh and if the boot was on the other foot, I wouldn't be happy about that.

The problem is that if you don't spend time with children during the more "boring" phases, you're also not bonding with them and that's so important. Just being with her is important right now so she knows that Dad is an adult she can trust and that he loves her.

As I said before, I'd try expressing and have your DH try putting her to bed. I think it'll go quicker - after a couple of difficult evenings as she gets used to it. But, it doesn't sound as if you're ready to stop BF to sleep, so fair enough! My two both lost interest in BF around 10-11 months so that made it easier for DH and I to take turns.

Have you tried mixed feeding? Formula sits heavier in their tummy so they feel more full. I used to give mine a couple of ounces of formula before the final breastfeed of the day which helped reduce the amount if time I spent feeding (& helped my son sleep better too).