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Original poster

Partner and csa payments

543 replies

Justaquery88 · 07/02/2020 16:21

Ok so before I get flamed here is the background

My partner has an 11 year old daughter with ex she has remarried she earns 40k and her husband around the same. They holiday three times a year money is not short at all.

We have three kids together and partner has to pay csa £300 a month but we are in a very bad financial state atm. His ex says he only has him one night a fortnight this is not true but without a court order to prove she’s lying csa won’t listen.

We are in debt can’t afford luxuries for our own three no holidays in a few years. If we pretended that we broke up he would have to pay me csa and his payments to her lowered.

Morally yes this is wrong but she is not a nice person to us at all

Legally where do we stand? No we won’t be claiming benefits or anything like that just csa which he will pay me
And I’ll put into the family joint account

OP posts:
getyourarseoffthequattro · 08/02/2020 15:51

You're assuming that all separated parents don't get along and don't discuss things between themselves

Not all but a lot. You and your ex are a minority.

mummmy2017 · 08/02/2020 15:54

I bet if OP really left the dad , her life would be hard enough that she would want more than £300 a month.
Why do lots of parents think children eat air, wear fig leafs and run around barefoot.

frazzledasarock · 08/02/2020 15:58

Ex has the attitude of getyourarse about childcare, he felt I should pay it as I chose to work.

Of course he also didn’t agree with feeding and clothing his children.

I greatly pity his new dc.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 08/02/2020 16:01

Do you really have dc? Do you not clothe them, they don’t need to be ferried to school/childcare, you don’t need childcare at all around your working hours? They don’t need toiletries; shampoo, shower gel, Sanpro for girls, razors, deodorant etc? You don’t need extra for heating the house because you don’t mind being cold but can’t let your dc be cold, they don’t take extra baths requiring gas usage etc, no pocket money, no phone for your dc; mine had the most basic £5 a month brick so I could ensure they were safely at school or home etc
I do buy them clothes. Nothing expensive as it gets knacked at nursery. We walk to nursery which costs £0. School will be the same. I do need childcare but i said they dont cost much other than that. Ds maybe costs me a fiver a year in toiletries??
I have always had the house warm so it hasnt changed. My heating and hot water bill is the same as it was pre ds.

His "pocket money" consists of sweets on a friday lol and no he doesnt have a phone cos he is 3.

Hes pretty cheap to run all in all.

If other people want to and can spend hundreds on clothes and all these extras then great but its not like that for everyone thats all im saying!

Waxonwaxoff0 · 08/02/2020 16:01

If the NRP wants more of a "say" about childcare then maybe they should offer to do 50% of it. I see it all the time from men after separation who can't possibly do extra childcare because of their jobs, yet women are expected to work full time as well and arrange all childcare.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 08/02/2020 16:04

Im not saying they should get a say full stop but if you want them to pay for half of it then they should. Or they could cover their half like you say.

I think it has a lot to do with the dynamics of your relationship when you were together too.

funinthesun19 · 08/02/2020 16:09

But some of those bills will be for the children they live with! Same as some of the maintenance is for the child's main residence. It is not all fun money!

And it’s not their fault they happen to live there is it?! Did I say it’s all fun money?
The mum of the first children has the (main) responsibility to pay the bills of her own household just like the dad of the first children has for his. If he has children living in the house which he is paying for, they’re going to use more of it aren’t they? But then that’s where the op and partners of nrps come in. She will be paying towards those costs too which will mean he will be paying less.

funinthesun19 · 08/02/2020 16:15

Thats their choice. i wouldnt enrol my child in expensive activities and then demand half from my ex tbh.

No neither would I.

I know I’m in the minority here, but I also see my household bills as being my responsibility whether that’s my rent, gas/electric, council tax, my phone, internet, transport. Everything. I don’t feel it’s my ex’s job to pay towards those.

Child related costs such as food, clothes, clubs, equipment etc etc, I would speak to my ex about providing towards those but not at the moment while he finds his feet. But in terms of my bills he’s not responsible for them. I would be paying those bills with or without children, and the extra bits they use are simply my contribution towards my children. I get the benefits for them so I should naturally be paying more out for them anyway.

Like I said, I know I’m in the minority. And I’m ok with that Smile

Waxonwaxoff0 · 08/02/2020 16:19

funinthesun19 see I do see household bills as being partly my ex's responsibility. Yes I would have to pay them anyway but as a single person on a low wage I would go and live in a house share rather than the 2 bedroom flat that I need because I have DS. My bills would be significantly lower.

funinthesun19 · 08/02/2020 16:26

Does he provide an adequate space for your ds too?
Some nrps don’t I know that, but many do and they also need a big enough place for their children too. If they had no children they wouldn’t need the extra space and therefore cost either.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 08/02/2020 16:26

Why wax? You chose to have a child knowing youd need more bedrooms. Why is that now your exs issue? He presumably also has to rent somewhere big enough too? Why should he subsidise your rent when hes in the same boat?

Waxonwaxoff0 · 08/02/2020 16:36

getyour I chose to have a child when I was married to my ex, with 2 incomes coming in so we were sharing the bills. Like most people do when they decide to have children. Hmm

My ex is a higher rate tax payer and has a lot better off financially than me so he can well afford a house with enough space. He lives in a 4 bedroom house with his partner, so he has another income coming in too. I facilitate his long unsociable working hours by doing the majority of childcare. Like a lot of married couples do to be fair.

It's moot anyway as my ex agrees with me and is happy to pay.

Sotiredofthislife · 08/02/2020 16:38

So.....if 81% isn’t enough to bring up subsequent children, what is it exactly you suggest? And more importantly, how is that going to be legally enforceable?

getyourarseoffthequattro · 08/02/2020 16:39

Right so because hes well off he should subsidise you. His partners income is irrelevant!

Im glad your ex is happy to pay but your attitide is yack.

funinthesun19 · 08/02/2020 16:39

Why wax? You chose to have a child knowing youd need more bedrooms.

😬😂 Ouch!
But that’s basically the response the op got so it’s only keeping up with the tone of the thread...

getyourarseoffthequattro · 08/02/2020 16:41

So.....if 81% isn’t enough to bring up subsequent children, what is it exactly you suggest?

Nobodys said it isnt enough weve just said what one child gets in maintenance is often more than children at home get spent on them.

I think the cms needs overhauling completely.

funinthesun19 · 08/02/2020 16:43

I don’t get the whole “it’s a two income household”

Like that’s somehow something for the ex’s household to benefit from....

Waxonwaxoff0 · 08/02/2020 16:44

I agree his partner's income is irrelevant, I only brought it up to make the point he's not exactly living in poverty.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 08/02/2020 16:49

The ex’s income is irrelevant and the RP isn’t providing childcare to enable the ex to work but simply parenting. They can always swap or do 50/50 if they feel that way.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 08/02/2020 16:51

IceCream yes, and I do more active parenting than my ex. He doesn't want to do 50/50, he wouldn't be able to do his job if he did.

Butterfly44 · 08/02/2020 16:56

So the number of nights....you can go to court and have it adjusted, but for what? About £20 less a week?
You sound very jealous. So what they go on holiday. And they have other kids also, as you went on to have.
Childcare is costly for all. People make it work. Are you hoping he doesn't give the £300 a month at all to up your income? Sorry, but this is his first born child- around long before you and his subsequent children and has as much right to his money.
Don't be bitter and work with what you have.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 08/02/2020 16:56

Not in poverty so he should pay for your childs room at your house as well as his own. I cant imagine feeling so entitled tbh. I feel its pretty obvious why you mentioned the partner.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 08/02/2020 17:10

Well, he pays in line with CMS guidelines based on his wage. It just happens that he is on a decent wage. So don't worry, I'm not bleeding him dry. Grin

Sotiredofthislife · 08/02/2020 17:21

I agree his partner's income is irrelevant, I only brought it up to make the point he's not exactly living in poverty

The OP considers it relevant that the ex has a partner with an income so why shouldn’t her income be part of this equation?

frazzledasarock · 08/02/2020 17:32

Both parents made a conscious decision to have their dc and intended to provide for them. That does not end for the non resident parent when he leaves.

The NRP, needs to make subsequent financial decisions knowing he is financially responsible for his existing dc.

Relationships end. Your responsibility towards your dc don’t.

I paid nursery fees for my dc that’s was an expense, twatface wanted me to withdraw dc from nursery as he felt he shouldn’t pay towards nursery fees.
Oddly he also wanted me to work as he didn’t want to pay me to stay home taking care of his dc either.

When mine were little I had nursery fees to pay, mine grew pretty fast so altho they wore Primarni’s finest I still needed to pay for clothes for them, they are loads and I did need to take public transport everywhere I couldn’t walk to. That was life. I budgeted and shopped as frugally as possible. My outgoings were higher having dc.

Ex had to contribute a tiny amount towards our dc. Tough.