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Original poster

To ask you not to hate me . . . ?? Controlled crying experiences

103 replies

AllesAusLiebe · 06/02/2020 22:35

Okay so we've struggled with DH (17 months) and his frequent night waking for a month now. He goes to sleep fine at around 7pm but wakes up screaming at least 3 times per night.

I can't deal with it anymore, DH is like a walking zombie and it's affecting our wellbeing. I've tried gradual retreat, sitting in his room, white noise, lavender oil . . . you name it. So, on Monday night we decided that the only option was controlled crying.

Night 4 and he's been screaming for the last 2 hours and I get the feeling that he's just warming up. When I go into his room he stops immediately, but the moment I lay him back down he goes crazy.

So . . . those who've endured this hell - how long did it take? Any words of advice?

Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
Original poster
AllesAusLiebe · 06/02/2020 22:37

. . . For completion I also wanted to add that he's not teething or ill. This mess all started because he was ill during Christmas and DH and I relaxed our bedtime approach.

OP posts:
Stressheadme123 · 06/02/2020 22:40

Have you gone in in the last two hours?

SallyWD · 06/02/2020 22:41

I did it with both of mine at a similar age. They'd previously been good sleepers but both went through phases where they seemed to forget how to sleep and just wanted to play all night. With my DD it really only took a couple of nights. With DS it was a few nights. Definitely less than a week. People will tell you how cruel it was but it was the best thing I could do for my children. They were both so much happier once they started sleeping better.

Stressheadme123 · 06/02/2020 22:42

He will be crying because he thinks you have abandoned him? Why not settlements him in a bed or cot in your room

Original poster
AllesAusLiebe · 06/02/2020 22:42

Oh yes, of course. DH and I have been in at first every 2, 5, 7 and 10 minutes.

I'm now going in every 15 because I think it's just hyping him up even more.

Oh god, I'm so conflicted. I don't want to do it but we're really suffering with no sleep!

OP posts:
Stressheadme123 · 06/02/2020 22:42

Settle*

Balloonsandbunting · 06/02/2020 22:43

What’s your process?

I did it, but DS was much younger. I started at the weekend, so I’d have the will to carry on. When he cried, I went in after 1 minute to settle him. Then I left and after 90 seconds I went back (2 mins felt like too long. I timed it on my phone). Then 3 mins, then 5, and I never got any further than 5 before he put himself back to sleep. It went on for 3 nights like that, and I did it every time he woke up. And I can honestly say, we’ve never looked back. He’s always been the less reliable sleeper of my two- at 5, he’ll come to us in the night more often, and small changes disturb his sleep- but from then on he reliably slept through unless something was wrong.

Personally, I’d say that if you’re not seeing an improvement by night 4, you might reassess. But it would help to know what you’re doing. (A casual acquaintance talked me through what to do. I could have kissed her.)

Original poster
AllesAusLiebe · 06/02/2020 22:45

@sallyWD that's exactly it! He's not upset because we're not there, he's furious because I won't let him get out of his cot.

Fingers crossed it gets better soon. I know what you mean, the lack of sleep is really affecting him during the day.

OP posts:
Miljea · 06/02/2020 22:45

God, I remember that.

I did it with both my two, the 3 mins, 5 mins, 10 mins etc thing; just walking in, in the dark, no eye contact, no words, just lay them down, patted twice, walked out.

It took a few days but it saved our sanity.

Original poster
AllesAusLiebe · 06/02/2020 22:46

@Stressheadme123 I wondered about just bringing him into our room, but I'm really not sure it would work. When we're around, he thinks it's playtime! I am frequently going in and settling him.

OP posts:
StillMedusa · 06/02/2020 22:47

We did it. Through sheer desperation, having tried all the gentle methods, co sleeping you name it. Our third child was a demon at night and as she was no 3 she was ruining the other two's sleep as well.
If I recall it took about a week to work. It was awful (we prewarned the neighbours !) but it did work... DD was 2, and she can't remember it at all (I was so worried she would be emotionally damaged forever..she wasn't..she just learned that night time was for staying in bed and for sleeping)

I won't lie, it was awful, as you are experiencing but it really was basically a battle of wills and for our sanity and marriage we had to crack her sleep!

The funny thing is, once she started sleeping at night, she napped better too and was a much happier child. These days she could make sleeping an olympic sport! Good luck!

FREEM · 06/02/2020 22:47

keep going. I understand completely. it will be worth it

ChazP · 06/02/2020 22:48

We did controlled crying with my son who was a nightmare sleeper from day 1. I think we did it when he was about 10-11 months old.
Night 1 - sat in his room next to his cot. Every 10 mins would pat him and say “sleep time”.
Night 2 - stayed outside. Went in every 10 mins, pat “sleep time” and back out.
Night 3 he slept right through.

Florinia · 06/02/2020 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GinWithIce00 · 06/02/2020 22:51

Your posting a link to your "photos" on a mumsnet post about a child not sleeping?
You wierdo

Original poster
AllesAusLiebe · 06/02/2020 22:52

@Balloonsandbunting sorry I should've been more detailed in my OP - just feel all at sea at the moment!

We did bedtime as normal - bath, story, milk, cuddles then he went to sleep on his own with no problem.

2 1/2 hours ago he started screaming so I went in, lay him back down and said goodnight and gave him a kiss. He got straight back up when i left the room (we've got a video monitor) and since then I've gradually extended the time I've left him for by a couple of minutes.

It's all gone quiet now but I think he'll go again at some point. It's been every 2 hours for the last month. . . Confused

OP posts:
NotALurker2 · 06/02/2020 22:52

You'll feel better about yourself if you just ride this out. It doesn't last forever. I know people who do this hate to hear it (and not mysteriously are also the ones to berate anyone who disagrees with it) but just letting him cry like that is a cop out.

copperoliver · 06/02/2020 22:52

My eldest son was like this hated being without me. I started laying him in the cot and sitting next to him in the cot but ignoring him. Each evening id move the chair further away but still ignoring him.
Then I started to say mummy is going to the toilet and still leave the chair there once I managed to pretend to go to the toilet without him crying because he knew I was coming straight back. I left it longer each time to be away, then go back. In the end I could just put the chair in the room and you

NotALurker2 · 06/02/2020 22:52

I mean the waking in the night doesn't last forever.

NotALurker2 · 06/02/2020 22:54

@copperoliver Now that is a parenting strategy. Letting him cry for hours is not.

BrioLover · 06/02/2020 22:55

We did it with both ours, for our sanity.

DS1 was a terrible sleeper (turns out he has ASD though, and still can take hours to settle but at least he reads now that he is 6!). It took around a week and a half for CC to work but he was an extremely stubborn child. He was 2 when we finally gave in and tried it.

DS2 was about 18 months old and it worked much faster as he is neuro-typical (he's 2.5 now and nothing is flagging up). So I think 5 days in total with a breakthrough at 3 days.

I went in at 2 minute increments. So 2, 4, 6, 8 and so on. No picking up, that would be too much. Just a soothing pat, no eye contact, soothing voice to remind it is bedtime. DS2 now tucks himself one after a kiss and a cuddle, which is bonkers to me as DS1 still needs attention in the evening.

Personally, if he's still screaming after 2 hours I'd abandon it for a couple of weeks and then try again without picking him up. And have a really really solid bedtime routine - bath, PJs, story, bed.

Good luck

copperoliver · 06/02/2020 22:55

Sorry posted before I finished.
Say mummy is going to the toilet I will be back he would go to sleep.
I still left the chair there in the dark. Think he just thought if he woke I was still sitting there. Did take a few weeks but did the trick. X

BrioLover · 06/02/2020 22:58

Aaahhh this is for night waking. Oh bugger. Yeah I rode it out, mainly because we have elderly neighbours and I couldn't have either child crying for long in the middle of the night (they have never complained but I don't think it's fair when they are in their 80s and not in the best health!). DS1 woke in the night till he was 3 and DS2 randomly stopped after we did the CC for bedtime.

Original poster
AllesAusLiebe · 06/02/2020 23:05

Thanks everyone. I know it's an emotive topic and some people hate it, but I honestly don't know what else to do. First week, second week I was prepared to think, "it's just a phase", but as time has gone on, I really don't know whether he's picking up so many bad sleep habits that he'll never get back on track unless we intervene.

@copperoliver I really like that idea! It sounds much more gentle. What age was your DS when you did it?

OP posts:
Original poster
AllesAusLiebe · 06/02/2020 23:05

Thanks everyone. I know it's an emotive topic and some people hate it, but I honestly don't know what else to do. First week, second week I was prepared to think, "it's just a phase", but as time has gone on, I really don't know whether he's picking up so many bad sleep habits that he'll never get back on track unless we intervene.

@copperoliver I really like that idea! It sounds much more gentle. What age was your DS when you did it?

OP posts:
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