To ask you not to hate me . . . ?? Controlled crying experiences

[AllesAusLiebe]

Okay so we've struggled with DH (17 months) and his frequent night waking for a month now. He goes to sleep fine at around 7pm but wakes up screaming at least 3 times per night.

I can't deal with it anymore, DH is like a walking zombie and it's affecting our wellbeing. I've tried gradual retreat, sitting in his room, white noise, lavender oil . . . you name it. So, on Monday night we decided that the only option was controlled crying.

Night 4 and he's been screaming for the last 2 hours and I get the feeling that he's just warming up. When I go into his room he stops immediately, but the moment I lay him back down he goes crazy.

So . . . those who've endured this hell - how long did it take? Any words of advice?

Thanks in advance!

I did it at around 7 months after I had been woken up ever two hours or more (for the boob) for the past 4 months and was simply so exhausted I couldn’t take it any more. It took a few nights and he started only waking up after much longer stretches when I knew he was actually hungry and i always fed him but I just couldn’t continue living as a dummy (which is what I was previously). He’s still only ever slept through the night twice but he goes to sleep from eyes open so I know if he wakes he’s genuinely hungry or in need in some way.

We did gentle controlled crying. It should work in about 2 nights. If it isn't then maybe you're doing it wrong. We used Nicola of Child Sleep Solutions, she was excellent and I'd recommend her.

I did it a 9 months after being boob buffet. Had to leave the house and go for a run or to a friends for a few hours in the early evening as I found that the hardest time. Took about 2 weeks but worked thang goodness’s as I was pregnant again.

Tiredtiredtired100 that's exactly it. I'm physically and mentally exhausted, DH will probably lose his job if this continues! I'm studying, too, and only took this course on because DS was such a reliable sleeper. I thought I'd have lots of time on a night. How naive! 1

VestaTilley thanks for the tip. I've had a look at the website. Did you get the full or basic package? I'd be interested in pursuing a more gentle approach as I really don't think we're getting anywhere.

@Dogwalks2 oh god, maybe I've got a way to go yet, then!

Mn really annoys me when it comes to these threads.

OP, my dad woke hourly until 19months, I was about to have a nervous breakdown honestly, I tried everything but refused "cry it out" the whole time as I thought it was cruel.

I gave in
1st night she cried 25min (I sat outside the door and cried with her) then slept 9hours
2nd night she cried 10min slept 10hrs
3rd night she cried 2min and slept 10hours
Slept through since.

Be kind to yourself. It's tough. Whatever you choose to do will be the right thing for you and your family x

I did it with DS at 6 months - it only took a couple of nights and I was so cross with myself for not trying it earlier.

Just remind yourself that your baby is safe, warm, well fed, clean and loved. The crying is just because they are cross, not because they need anything. Take a deep breath and keep calm. You and the baby will both be much happier for a decent night's sleep.

So sorry you are going through this OP.

We just went through similar and finally hired a sleep consultant who tailored a sleeping plan to our existing schedule (we have an older sibling). Two weeks in and the plan is working like a charm. We now have seven hour stretches of sleep versus 90 minutes previously. I would highly recommend you consider hiring someone similar if you can. Good luck!

I tried it, I stuck to it, it didn't work. He'd fall asleep, but still woke, and was terribly upset every time. It was awful. I hated it.

Every other parent who I know who's done it had also said it eventually did fuck all, maybe a few nights or weeks of sleep but nothing long term.

DS eventually slept through at about two. I genuinely believe sleep is developmental, it can be encouraged, but (in my DS) not forced. He bed shares with me at 3.2.

@Alles
Hi he was around 16 months old. Good luck. X

Every other parent who I know who's done it had also said it eventually did fuck all, maybe a few nights or weeks of sleep but nothing long term.

I just know no one with this experience. Everyone I know has done it and it has transformed their babies' sleep, permanently.

You have my sympathies. We’re going through it with our 19 month old and it’s slowly getting better. This week, in fact, has seen a massive leap forward. He slept all the way through till 6am last night. I honestly felt like a completely different person yesterday!

Also, touch wood! I don’t want to tempt fate.

At 6 months we did cry it out, not controlled crying, with twins. I don't really buy the rationale behind controlled crying, it just seems designed to drag the whole process out for everyone.

Took about 4/5 nights - seemed to go on forever the first night but was probably no more than 30 minutes. They woke twice but went back to sleep within 10 minutes. Much less the second and third, just a few minutes the fourth and fifth. Then things were great (with the odd blip for colds etc.) for about two years before they went to pot again!

Not sure if the controlled crying might make it more difficult for cry it out to work, though, if they now have an expectation that crying eventually gets you to go in.

You have my sympathies OP. Just did similar with our 2 year old last month. Took 2 days and he's slept through since.

I dont think it works for all kids op, I wouldn't try for too long. If they are really sensitive it just makes them worse. Something along the lines of copper Oliver's plan sounds better. I hired a sleep consultant for mine in the end. Really helped.

Have a look at littles ones, it's a sleep programme you can buy.
DS is 10 months and we started when he was 8 months, but we would rub his tummy untill he fell asleep, so we didn't leave him. First night i think took an hour then by night 3 he would go from fully awake in the cot to asleep in minutes with a little tummy rub. Took about a week to get the night feeds down to one a night so was sleeping 7/8 hours in one stretch which was amazing!
He then got quite ill so we had to abandon the routine, he's now much better so we need to get back into it as he's back to waking up hourly good luck!

I just know no one with this experience. Everyone I know has done it and it has transformed their babies' sleep, permanently.

I wish it had worked here, it "worked" in that he'd go to sleep, but always woke up in the night, sometimes after 40 mins, sometimes after a few hours. I even tried doing it after night wakings but that was just loud and stressful (and I sense the neighbours were ready to put out windows through). DS was quite often awake 11-3am. It was hell.

Of the friends who did it it never worked at all for mine, one friend is still regularly up with her 3.5 year old, another one's gets up at 4am, another one is also still bedsharing for ease as CC didn't work.

We've just "solved" the sleep issue with our 13-month-old. After sleeping from 7pm to 4:30am religiously for a couple of months, just before Christmas he started waking 3 or 4 times a night, sometimes for hours at a time. He'd be standing up in his cot wailing. I tried resettling without getting him out of the cot, feeding every time (I was desperate), sending my husband in to rock him to sleep... nothing worked every time.

Eventually I wondered if he was hungry, as he had a late dinner one evening and slept much better. The next night I gave him "supper" and he slept through! Every night since (about a week now) he's slept through until about 6:30am!

So now, DS has a meal at 5pm, then has supper at about 6:30pm. Usually he can manage two oaty bars or a whole weetabix with milk. I couldn't believe he was still eating that much so soon after dinner. When he's full he'll push away whatever he's being offered.

It's changed my life, I feel like a new woman!

I could’t do it.

We co slept when DS woke up on the night. Once he was in a bed it was easier as he just wandered in when he woke up :) No tears and more sleep. Win win.

It's all a memory now as ds is 6 but we did it as he was waking every 2 hours and we were beyond sleep deprived.Hasnt done him any harm,certainly doesn't remember it,hes a happy,confident boy.

I did it with both of mine as like you I was a walking zombie. With my first it took two nights when he was 11 months. With my second it took two years (started age 6 months as he woke every 20 minutes or so and he finally started sleeping through ~ 3 years 4 months).

It's not for everyone but an uninterrupted nights sleep will benefit everyone in the long run. As you've said, you've tried everything and this is a last resort.

The important part is to be consistent then he will learn.

Good luck!

How was last night @AllesAusLiebe

Adults like kids have different ways of winding down to sleep. The lucky ones just lie down close their eyes and just drift off to sleep, but most of us need some help to get there. Some children need their tummy to help them along so a warm milky drink does the trick. Other children need to process their day before they can go to sleep, adults tend to do this through conversation or journaling/diary writing but kids do this through play usually role play. There are other children who need a problem to solve and come back to, one of mine used to sleep with soft stacking blocks, and then a basic puzzle, and now has a Rubix cube on the bedside years later, I have a book of puzzles like sudoku and crossword on my bedside. Some children need a light on, because the dark is all consuming so a nightlight helps them, whilst others can cope with the dark but not the silence, which is where music, those toys that make a noise and Audible come in handy.

I think we forget how many adults need to read to sleep or have the radio or TV on. Obviously I'm not suggesting that you promote poor sleep habits BUT it is normal to need a bit of help to get to sleep or to get back to sleep. In its simplest form, it's the need to nurse back to sleep as a baby and we are just supplementing with substitutions. A dummy, a teddy, a story book, we are finding tools to fill the gap left by our absence. So from the feeling of total togetherness to the great quiet darkness can be overwhelming.

I think it's just trial and error. Some kids wind down with Ferber or other NC/CC methods. But others it just does not work for. One of my children would scream blue murder for hours and just never wind down, whereas another by night 3 was going straight to sleep. None of these things work for everybody.

I've never understood the notion of breaking a childs will in this way but can appreciate how nightmarish it would be to not get enough sleep. My oldest boy suffered terribly with night terrors in his early years at primary school and it was so distressing.I'd be really concerned about allowing a child to get so distressed at night time and had them sleep in my bedroom or do whatever was necessary to get a good night's sleep.