To ask you not to hate me . . . ?? Controlled crying experiences

[AllesAusLiebe]

Okay so we've struggled with DH (17 months) and his frequent night waking for a month now. He goes to sleep fine at around 7pm but wakes up screaming at least 3 times per night.

I can't deal with it anymore, DH is like a walking zombie and it's affecting our wellbeing. I've tried gradual retreat, sitting in his room, white noise, lavender oil . . . you name it. So, on Monday night we decided that the only option was controlled crying.

Night 4 and he's been screaming for the last 2 hours and I get the feeling that he's just warming up. When I go into his room he stops immediately, but the moment I lay him back down he goes crazy.

So . . . those who've endured this hell - how long did it take? Any words of advice?

Thanks in advance!

worsethingshappen 😊 spotted your style to me and another poster.

How reasonable you are as you tell us we're wrong 😂

but you will benefit from it if you stick at it and don't give in.

Not necessarily, for some children it doesn't work (and makes their sleep worse.)

@Worsethingshappen

“I think there should be room for honesty and openness”

Yes absolutely. But you can do this with kindness. Your first post was not kind. If you had simply approached it as you have explained to me, it would have been much kinder and undoubtedly more effective.

As I said, I do not disagree with you re: cc/cio. I strongly disagreed with your tone and approach.

“So is it wrong to share this experience and opinion?”

No absolutely not. It’s helpful in fact to share your experience and opinion. But your first post was just using emotive language to make the op feel bad about what she was doing. That is very different.

I’m starting controlled crying tomorrow, I can’t take it anymore. My 2 1/2 yo has Ben screaming the house down, headbutting her door, ripping the pages out of her books etc since I put her to bed at 7.15pm. So 6 hours now. I’ve tried everything, all behavioural aspects bought all the soothing gimmicks such as lavender and sleepy cream.

I just need her to sleep and not keep the whole house up night after night.

@Flowerballs It's not always a case of them "just wanting a cuddle". I had to do controlled crying on my DD when after a holiday she just forgot how to sleep. She was over tired and wound up and just wouldn't sleep she only wanted to play
For weeks I tried everything - bringing her into our bed, sleeping with her in her bed, gradual retreat etc. But she didn't want a cuddle and she didn't want to sleep. She just wanted me to get her up and play with her, all night long! After several weeks of this both she and I were close to breaking point. Her behaviour deteriorated, she had black circles under her eyes. She was unrecognisable - no longer my happy, affectionate 15 month old. I, myself, was almost unable to function. So yes, under the advice of the health visitor we did controlled crying as a very last resort. It took a couple of nights and transformed our lives. It enabled my daughter to re-learn how to sleep and my goodness what a difference! She returned to being her usual sunny self (not the sleep deprived aggressive, miserable creature she'd been). I was able to get through the day without constantly breaking down in tears. It was the only thing that worked.

I get a bit fed up of the assumption that Co sleeping is a magic solution. Not all babies like to co sleep. My daughter used to go mentals if I tried to bring her into my bed and get her to lie down quietly. My son would still just want to get up and play. Neither of them were soothed by my presence and happy to sleep. In addition not all houses are set up to allow Co sleeping. We don't have a big bed. We don't have somewhere else for my husband to sleep. We did take it in turns on an air bed for a while but ultimately Co sleeping was not working to get anyone any more sleep.

I did it with my DD around the 7months stage as I was losing my mind. Took about a week for it to sink in and then worked like a dream. You just have to stick at it, I have friends who it took a little longer for them but it worked. I really like @copperoliver's amendment to the technique! Best of luck to you x

So, I think we can all choose to regard 'Just needs a cuddle'- how we want, can't we? 😉

I wish it didn't come to 'controlled crying' but there's enough circumstantial evidence on here to conclude it has its place in rescuing parental sanity, and assisting a child back into good sleeping habits.

@Cocomobile @Miljea

I have no difficulty with frank conversations and sometimes forget others aren’t the same.
I don’t actually mean to offend.

Though having read your responses it seems rather ironic that the intolerance and judgement you imply I am asserting is exactly what you are displaying towards me, another mum, who happens to have a different view. Hmmmm. 🙄

@AllesAusLiebe

Well done you! Big steps.

I think the really important thing is that you have recognised he is upset because you wont let him out rather than he is feeling neglected. I fully support meeting a childs emotional needs so its fab you are reaching out for advice.

Like you i retreated a little each night. I took a book and read in his doorway for about a week then moved to the hallway ect. It took a good week or so to crack it and now we get.good sleep! Hurrah.

People have no issue disiplining children during the day time,even if it means the child screaming and ive seen many a child have a tantrum because they cant have their own way. But come nighr time and suddenly everyonr is 'oh you cant let them cry' ?!

Like you say, he is cross you arnt picking him up and letting him play.... not because he feels emotionally neglected! Xxxx

For those of you advocating co-sleeping, do you know it is possible to have a child that has no interest in sleep and if brought into their mother's bed will want to play/dance/hide under the duvet/use the headboard as a drum/ use their mother's head as a drum?

Good luck OP.

@Worsethingshappen

I really don’t think I have shown any ‘judgement’ towards you in my responses. I have just asked that you reconsider your tone in your original post as it was very emotive and aimed to induce guilt.

I have been respectful to you, and have not called you any names nor ridiculed your arguments against cc.

I have, in fact, AGREED with you that cc is something I do not personally like for myself.

Anyway I won’t respond anymore to you as you don’t seem open to acknowledging that your delivery could have been different (ie better).

Honestly, you don’t mean to offend? READ YOUR FIRST POST, please. Read it to a friend and ask for their honest opinion as to whether it was offensive, whether it showed empathy to the parent, whether it was constructive, whether it was an appropriate response to the op etc.

Anyway my main aim was to let the OP know that others felt that your first post was misguided in its approach, so that she didn’t feel attacked and shouldn’t feel even worse than she probably did to begin with.

And please

“I have no difficulty with frank conversations and sometimes forget others aren’t the same.”

No need to be condescending. We’re all adults here

For those of you advocating co-sleeping, do you know it is possible to have a child that has no interest in sleep and if brought into their mother's bed will want to play/dance/hide under the duvet/use the headboard as a drum/ use their mother's head as a drum?

And with the slightly older child, never stop fucking whittering

I get a bit fed up of the assumption that Co sleeping is a magic solution. Not all babies like to co sleep. My daughter used to go mentals if I tried to bring her into my bed and get her to lie down quietly.

Oh my god, YES. Cosleeping is shite for us. The diagonal (or horizontal!!) sleeping. The waking up every time you or dh moves. The kicking, ugh. I don't know how all these people have these lovely angelic toddlers who are lovely to sleep with. I mean fill your boots and all, I think it's lovely if it works for you, but it's not my experience at all that it's a solution for more/better sleep.

I did it with my 3, as that was the advice is the late 90s early noughties.

Not sure I would do it now tbh - in hindsight it seems a bit cruel - but not judging you in any way.

I also think Co - sleeping isn’t ideal (which we sort of did without calling it that). Kids should be in their own beds and I think the bedroom is an adult place and should stay that.

I did it. First two slept relatively well. Third baby was up every 45 mins regardless of whether she was in a bed with us or not. It was hell. I rode it out until she was 14 months. She was a nightmare during the day too as she was knackered. The elder two were suffering as they had a constantly screaming sibling and shattered mum.
I started at 30 seconds and never had to increase it beyond 3 mins and 30secs. I increased by 30 seconds each time I went in. It was magic and she sleeps well now.

I am not at all averse to having a baby/child in bed with us when they need that comfort but it is insanity of you are all up constantly and it is providing comfort for nobody.

worsethingshappen- Cocomobile has completely nailed what I might have said.

Take a look at yourself and what you've written. You have completely refused to acknowledge anyone else's reality, because you're right- we just need to be guided to understand that- while telling us we're intolerant of opposing views!

Have you considered a career in politics, right now? 😂 I am so recognising the calm 'I respect your right to be wrong' narrative.

MrsBrentford I did it with my 2. As I've already said, it wasn't done for a laugh; it was because we were at the end of our tether, as a family.

It wasn't fun, it was horrible, but I won't attach the word 'cruel' to it. It was done to recalibrate our happy family life, via the medium of sleep. For all.

The DSs massively benefited from this intervention.

CC saved my sanity, twice.

DD woke every 45mins. I'd have to get up, rock her, hold her for long enough to ensure she was asleep, and then put her back (which gave me approx 30mins sleep). Her other trick was to only wake up once, but stay awake for three or four hours, and I'd have to rock her the whole time or she'd scream the place down. We got to 14 months and I was on the verge of a breakdown. Co-sleeping did fuck all, because I still had to sit up and rock her. If I put her in our bed she'd kick me, shuffle around, stare at me all night... not restful for anyone.

Four nights of CC (1min intervals) and she was going to sleep in minutes and staying that way all night long. It was a miracle. She was happier, DH and I were happier, I no longer fell asleep mid sentence.

Then we had DS. He had to be rocked, by me, for every nap and bedtime. It was fine at first but then he started the slapping, hair pulling, scratching my neck... He was waking up every 30mins, nobody else could get him to sleep, and it was ruining my relationship with DD. Co-sleeping didn't work for him either, for the same reasons (but he was more violent!), and I just snapped and went for it. He was 8mo and it took him two nights. Everyone was happier and DD wasn't shattered at school.

They're 6 and 18mo now, and for the most part we all sleep. They have their bad dreams etc, but it doesn't take much more than a quick pat or hug to settle them. If they're ill they come in our bed, but they SLEEP.

Nobody WANTS to do CC, and it doesn't work for every child, but if it does then it's absolutely life changing. I remember someone once posted that surely it's just as cruel to let your baby continually get awful sleep, than it is to try something like CC which might just work. Babies and toddlers need good quality sleep, with as few interruptions as possible, just like parents do.

OP, I wish you the best of luck and hope you start getting some rest soon!

I co -slept with my son for a year. It was marvellous. I loved having him with me and he loved being in bed with us. He only woke fir a feed which was really easy then went straight back to sleep- as did I! We then got a Co sleeping coy and moved on from there. No tears!

For and tears. Sorry I'm tired!

We always put ds down and allowed up to 10 minutes for him to settle himself down. If there was nothing wrong then he would settle himself to sleep within this time. Yes he cried for a few minutes but we had the video monitor so could see and hear him.
I never saw a problem with doing this or found it difficult. He self settled from birth and was sleeping through from 3 months.