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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH doesn’t want any more children

104 replies

Superleo837 · 06/02/2020 06:41

I’m probably being unreasonable but I just want to know if I’m blinkered. I have one DS from previous marriage whos 11 DH and me have been together since he was 2! I am now 37 and DH and me have a 16 month old together. Ever since we’ve been together I’ve made it clear I wanted a big family. We didn’t have our 16 month old before now because of cost of childcare etc but now I’m at home for a few years studying. I had a dysfunctional childhood and I’ve always wanted a big happy healthy home I’ve worked really hard to create that so far. We’ve been planning our 3rd but no set plans. I had a horrid miscarriage before Christmas and I said it would help me if we could try and get pregnant again quickly to which he said he wasn’t so keen so we put it on hold until March (complicated reason). Then last night he said something about maybe the 16 month old going to nursery 1 day a week to help me study in a few months so I’m thinking hmm what about a new born? But ok never mind. Then we were talking about going on holiday in the summer and it became clear he’d not thought about me possibly being pregnant. We had a blazing row when I said what are we doing about baby number 3 - he said what would you say if I said no to no3? All hypothetical apparently but why ask it? Apparently I’m baby blinkered. And we’re like a baby machine! I said I’m 37!!! We haven’t been trying and Ive not been talking about it. I’m just confused lots of people have more than one together and theyre not a ‘baby machine’. I’ve just given up a career and being a stay at home mum and studying is my focus and even that feels like the wrong thing now. I feel very unsettled. I’m so down about this. It seems all tarnished now. I was made to feel guilty when I pregnant with my first as my ex didn’t want our son. I never want to feel like that again. He also said he does want another one but it’s a lot of work! Am I unreasonable to be so fed up about this?

OP posts:

isthismylifenow · 06/02/2020 06:45

Sorry about the miscarriage Super.

Do you think this might have had an affect on DH's thinking about having another?

madcatladyforever · 06/02/2020 06:46

Don't you think 2 is enough? There are too many people in the world already and I think you are projecting what you didn't have as a child onto your family which isn't healthy.
Your husband I think is being much more realistic and you can't make him agree to more children he doesn't want, it could cause terminal resentment and leave you as a single parent which would not be beneficial for your existing children.
I was the eldest and my mother and step father went on to have lots more children, I always felt left out and didn't feel like I belonged to their family.

DesLynamsMoustache · 06/02/2020 06:49

You're not unreasonable to be upset but he's also not unreasonable to not want another. I don't think it's uncommon for people to change their minds about their ideal number of children after having one together - it's one thing to have an ideal in your head, but another when you're living it.

OliviaBenson · 06/02/2020 06:52

It sounds like the miscarriage has made him reevaluate things.

To be honest though, you do sound (as much as you ever can from 1 post) baby blinkered.

Unfortunately it's something that can be compromised on. You need to have a frank and honest chat and properly listen to each other.

I also agree with a PP regarding the state of the world though.

Tombakersscarf · 06/02/2020 06:54

So was he unhappy when you were pg before Christmas? If I thought dh was relieved that I'd miscarried that would be a big problem. Your dh is not wrong about three being a lot of work though. Could you have a few months of breathing space - have your summer holiday - and revisit after?

positivepixie · 06/02/2020 07:00

He is entitled to change his mind, perhaps he was never as keen as you and now feels able to speak up. You're upset because it's what you've always wanted but I guess your choice is now to either take some time to understand where he is coming from and focus on what you do have or push him into something he doesn't want and love with the possible consequences or never come to terms with not having a third and let it affect your future happiness. I think the first has to be the best option...

Stickybeaksid · 06/02/2020 07:03

You do sound a little like you are baby obsessed. Do you feel that only having lot of kids will give you a happy family, are you trying to fix your childhood? You need to ask yourself what is jest for you all as a family, is it another child or stopping now.

speakout · 06/02/2020 07:06

OP do you really want your OP to father more children when it is something he doesn't want to do?

And I agree about enough people in the world. Please don't have a ig family to fill your void.

Counselling may help.

user1493413286 · 06/02/2020 07:08

It sounds like he’s dealt with it badly; rather than talking to you about it he’s hoped that it’ll almost get forgotten about. If it’s something you’ve wanted for a while then of course you’re going to feel fed up about him seeming to change his mind. I think you probably both need to discuss it calmly again and find out what exactly he’s thinking

OldMumYoungNan · 06/02/2020 07:09

I think you might have to look at your family and make the best of it.

You are blessed with 2 beautiful children. Enjoy them and enjoy their friends and others (friends and other family) in your life.

MarthasGinYard · 06/02/2020 07:09

'I’ve always wanted a big happy healthy home I’ve worked really hard to create that so far.'

I don't think your thought process is sounding too healthy though.

You sound a little obsessed I can see his point.

UrgentHelp12345 · 06/02/2020 07:09

I dont think you sound baby obsessed, you only have an 11 year old and 16 month old. If i was 37 id be more keen to have one sooner than later

You need to sit down and speak to him properly, whats putting him off? If its you who does the majority of childcare and you can both afford it what is the issue?

We have been trying for a baby for a while now and id be very upset if that plan suddenly changed!

orangeblosssom · 06/02/2020 07:15

I think 2 children is enough. Please think about the impact each person on Earth is having.

Noconceptofnormal · 06/02/2020 07:17

As your husband has know your first son since he was two, he may feel he has two children already (does dc11 call him dad etc?) and most people are happy with two.

But.... We had three and I just knew with my second they weren't my last, I had to have another one and would have really struggled if we hadn't. I have strong personal reasons for wanting three and I do now feel more 'done' (I do feel a bit broody still but I know we can't go for a fourth so I contain those feelings).

I think the issue is that you were led to believe you'd have three and we're trying for a third, it's then very difficult to then have that taken away from you (it would have been much easier to accept if you'd just been told upfront your husband only wanted one more child).

People on Mumsnet always say it's OK to change mind about number of dc but personally I disagree and don't think that takes into account the expectations of the other person.

Original poster

Superleo837 · 06/02/2020 07:19

UrgentHelp12345 Thanks - I’ve not even mentioned it since the miscarriage. And I’ve been very clear from day one I wanted a big family. I’ve waited so long. Just feel so flat..

OP posts:

AriadnesFilament · 06/02/2020 07:22

I think from reading your post it’s clear that everything for you, both right now and thinking ahead, is centred around the thought of being pregnant and having a baby, depending on what point in the future you’re talking about.

Yet you say you’re not trying.

It’s also clear that your husband has taken “we’re not trying” to mean exactly that, very probably because his reaction to the miscarriage is to not want to risk going through it again.

I think that although you aren’t talking about it, he knows full well where your focus is and is feeling pressured. I think he’s trying to get you to put the brakes on because it’s too much for him the moment. He hasn’t gone about it in the best way, but the immediate few months after a miscarriage are hard, and it’s not always easy to approach things in the right way all the time when you’re both struggling with a loss.

You both need to talk about your plans for the future, how much of what you’re each feeling now is a reaction to the miscarriage and how much is what you’ve always wanted. I also think you need to think carefully about trying to replace what you didn’t have in your childhood with a family now. I’m not sure that’s an overly healthy goal to have.

Original poster

Superleo837 · 06/02/2020 07:22

Noconceptofnormal Thanks that helps a lot. I’ve even labelled all the grown out of baby clothes to use again. I don’t feel done at all and I’m very confused. He’s a lot younger than me and doesn’t quite realise the age thing is important.

OP posts:

confusedandemployed · 06/02/2020 07:22

Personally I think whether it's ok to change your mind about this is irrelevant. People DO change their minds and have a right to do so. So, as a PP has said, you have your options.

I'm afraid I'm inclined to agree with your DH. You seem to be factoring a new baby in all your decision making.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 06/02/2020 07:23

Why are the two children you already have not enough?

Original poster

Superleo837 · 06/02/2020 07:23

BiscuitBarrels That’s very sensible thank you.

OP posts:

speakout · 06/02/2020 07:31

People on Mumsnet always say it's OK to change mind about number of dc but personally I disagree and don't think that takes into account the expectations of the other person.

I totally disagree.

Having a child or children is life changing in a way none of us can predict. It is one thing to have your heart set on a large family then when you have a couple of small demanding small children realise that parenting is far more difficult than you realised.

Imagine a couple early on in a relationship deciding that 5 children would be a good nymber.
After two kids the mother ( as it often is) is run ragged, he children are challenging, she feels isolated at home, wants to resume her career again, and the thought of another three kids takes on a whole new perspective.
She changes her mind.

Should she be forced into having another three kids because of her OHs expectations?

It's OK to change your mind.
You may order a cup of tea in a restaurant, but when it arrives you don't feel like drinking it.
Should you be forced into drinking it because you ordered it?

Changing your mind is part of being human- and tied up with consent too.

Quartz2208 · 06/02/2020 07:33

You need to evaluate how much this is trying to undone your childhood. You do have a happy healthy home right now with the children and partner you have. If you still have a void not amount of babies will fill that.

I suggest some counselling first to unpick why you want it and then a rational conversation about it. None of this sounds mentally healthy and I wonder if that is putting him off.

Then focus on the two you have. Feeling you aren’t enough for a parent can be psychologically damaging for a chuld

Flufferbum · 06/02/2020 07:34

Maybe he’s scared Super? Because of how the miscarriage effected you, and him I suppose that he’s scared it could happen again? But if you want another and he doesn’t that could be a huge huge problem. X

PooWillyBumBum · 06/02/2020 07:35

You already have two kids. I think both people need to agree to having a child. If he doesn’t want a third and you push ahead then you’ll likely be blamed for any imposition/struggles as a result.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 06/02/2020 07:38

I’d be asking why he and the two children you have aren’t enough if I were him. Why the need for more? Do you want him or babies as it sounds like the latter. It’s all about what you want.

You also need to be very careful the eldest doesn’t pick up on it and feel not good enough.

If you aren’t working then presumably he has to finance the family and may not want to add extra pressure in that way.

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