DH doesn’t want any more children

[Superleo837]

I’m probably being unreasonable but I just want to know if I’m blinkered. I have one DS from previous marriage whos 11 DH and me have been together since he was 2! I am now 37 and DH and me have a 16 month old together. Ever since we’ve been together I’ve made it clear I wanted a big family. We didn’t have our 16 month old before now because of cost of childcare etc but now I’m at home for a few years studying. I had a dysfunctional childhood and I’ve always wanted a big happy healthy home I’ve worked really hard to create that so far. We’ve been planning our 3rd but no set plans. I had a horrid miscarriage before Christmas and I said it would help me if we could try and get pregnant again quickly to which he said he wasn’t so keen so we put it on hold until March (complicated reason). Then last night he said something about maybe the 16 month old going to nursery 1 day a week to help me study in a few months so I’m thinking hmm what about a new born? But ok never mind. Then we were talking about going on holiday in the summer and it became clear he’d not thought about me possibly being pregnant. We had a blazing row when I said what are we doing about baby number 3 - he said what would you say if I said no to no3? All hypothetical apparently but why ask it? Apparently I’m baby blinkered. And we’re like a baby machine! I said I’m 37!!! We haven’t been trying and Ive not been talking about it. I’m just confused lots of people have more than one together and theyre not a ‘baby machine’. I’ve just given up a career and being a stay at home mum and studying is my focus and even that feels like the wrong thing now. I feel very unsettled. I’m so down about this. It seems all tarnished now. I was made to feel guilty when I pregnant with my first as my ex didn’t want our son. I never want to feel like that again. He also said he does want another one but it’s a lot of work! Am I unreasonable to be so fed up about this?

Well I get it OP. Wanting more kids is a kind of hunger. If you have it, you have it.

I’m very sorry and understand how you feel and how painful it is.

I can’t help you with DH except to encourage lots of calm talking and cuddles between the two of you. He may feel that he can’t go through / watch you go through another miscarriage. He may just want things to stay as they are. He may have originally thought a big family sounded cool but have changed his mind when faced with the reality of the current children. He may think 2 kids is a big family, or be feeling financially pressured. He may not be too fussed about another one and not realise how passionately you long for it. He will not, unless explained to in idiot’s terms, realise what’s happening to your fertility in these years and may still see it as a ‘perhaps later’ thing. Whatever’s going on in his head, you need to talk out.

Sometimes I think middle age is about a lot of grieving for the life we thought we’d have / coming to terms with the life we’ve ended up with. At 37, you’re unlikely to end up with 4-5 kids (without IVF, which only works about 20% of the time, costs a bomb and is v painful emotionally and physically). So maybe you need to do some grieving and coming to terms with the loss of the “big family” plan. But certainly there is time for a third child 🤞

I get how your OH feels. It sounds like 6ou had everything planned to suit the life you want. No more working enjoying studying, have the children you want whilst your oh has to follow with your plan when he doesn't get as much satisfaction from these choices.

He was probably happy to go along at first to make 6ou happy but is now questioning whether you just see him as an enabler to have the life you want rather then seeing him as your soulmate.

He brought up the holiday as he saw it as time to spend together to relax, something to make him happy and he assumed you would to, yet all you can think of is how it gets in the way of your aim to be a mum again. It must have been really hurtful to him.

You do come across as obsessed and I do get it as I too suffered a miscarriage in a new relationship at 38 and also went into life revolving around getting pregnant again and else mattering much. But I made peace with myself in time not to let it take over. I never had that child I so desperately wanted, but 8 years on, I can honestly say it was a blessing as poking back, I don't think my marriage would have coped for various reasons I couldn't see them. I went from desperately wanting a baby at all cost to feeling grateful I didn't surpringly very quickly.

I know that your heart rules your brain at the moment but it is possible to get to the point of being genuinely happy from the gratefulness for what you have already.

Listen to your oh he is trying to tell you how he feels. If you opt to ignore it, he will feel rejected and unloved. You marriage can't be built just around what makes you happy.

Op, do you feel a little like he’s wasted your child bearing years?

What happened in the end OP ?