DH doesn’t want any more children

[Superleo837]

I’m probably being unreasonable but I just want to know if I’m blinkered. I have one DS from previous marriage whos 11 DH and me have been together since he was 2! I am now 37 and DH and me have a 16 month old together. Ever since we’ve been together I’ve made it clear I wanted a big family. We didn’t have our 16 month old before now because of cost of childcare etc but now I’m at home for a few years studying. I had a dysfunctional childhood and I’ve always wanted a big happy healthy home I’ve worked really hard to create that so far. We’ve been planning our 3rd but no set plans. I had a horrid miscarriage before Christmas and I said it would help me if we could try and get pregnant again quickly to which he said he wasn’t so keen so we put it on hold until March (complicated reason). Then last night he said something about maybe the 16 month old going to nursery 1 day a week to help me study in a few months so I’m thinking hmm what about a new born? But ok never mind. Then we were talking about going on holiday in the summer and it became clear he’d not thought about me possibly being pregnant. We had a blazing row when I said what are we doing about baby number 3 - he said what would you say if I said no to no3? All hypothetical apparently but why ask it? Apparently I’m baby blinkered. And we’re like a baby machine! I said I’m 37!!! We haven’t been trying and Ive not been talking about it. I’m just confused lots of people have more than one together and theyre not a ‘baby machine’. I’ve just given up a career and being a stay at home mum and studying is my focus and even that feels like the wrong thing now. I feel very unsettled. I’m so down about this. It seems all tarnished now. I was made to feel guilty when I pregnant with my first as my ex didn’t want our son. I never want to feel like that again. He also said he does want another one but it’s a lot of work! Am I unreasonable to be so fed up about this?

How old is your dh? If he’s quite a bit younger than you as you say it sounds like he’s feeling he’s bitten off quite a bit more than he can chew.

How old is he?

...children are not bandages for your broken childhood. That's an absolutely unacceptable stance to take. You don't need another baby, you need a therapist.

Neither of you are being unreasonable. But I would question whether it's wise to have another child unless he's 100% in favour (even if you can talk him around). I'm as broody as anything, I would love a baby, probably still can, but I know two is plenty (and they are grown up) dp also has two (grown). Sometimes our brains have to override hormones

Sorry about the miscarriage but you do sound blinkered about having a baby. I get you want a big happy family (I am one of five children)...BUT from having a big family its very hard to get the 'happy' in there because you have more people with differing needs and personality and the greater expense involved. But more importantly you won't ever get the happy you seek if your husband ends up unhappy in the process of you getting what you think you want.
Honestly, if there is around a 10 year gap in your kids you won't know what hit you when you have two close together.

I know that it feels unfair when you were upfront from the beginning but people are entitled to a change of mind. Especially when they don’t really know what they’re agreeing too. How would you feel if he’d been the one who wanted a big family but you realised that it wasn’t for you once you’d had your first child? Would it be ok for him to be angry at you for changing your mind? This is one of those areas in life where a decision has to be mutual and there isn’t much scope for compromise, you have to accept that sometimes the other party will get the veto.

the miscarriage probably upset him too and is thinking he doesn't want to go through that again!

Also think about him for a second - you are not working at the moment, you won't even get statutory maternity pay - so you are asking him to be the sole earner and fund everything, pay for new baby, current baby, your older son !! I think that's a bit unfair tbh!

he miscarried too. don't forget his feelings. he's grieving and probably thinks your trying to replace the baby you lost

It’s quite reasonable of him to change his mind. It wouldn’t be fair to force a baby on him and put financial pressure on him being the sole earner

I don't think it's a case of reasonable or unreasonable, it's more about being grown up about it. How would it be if after the miscarriage, if you simply felt you didn't want another? Him pressuring you would be entirely frowned upon.

A few factors make me think he has good justification for his feelings:

1. You have two children to maintain already
2. You said he didn't want the first child he had with you.
3. You have stopped work to study, which makes him the sole provider.
4. There's a big gap between your 11 yr old and your 16 month old. Perhaps just when he thought life had got that bit easier with the older child, the baby set off a land mine. Babies bring chaos and cost.

To be satisfied with what he's got and not want to add more chaos and more cost, is not unreasonable, it's simply the way he feels. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. If you force him, guilt him and put your needs before his, he may resent you for the added pressure. So before you throw all your toys out of your pram, be confident you can weather the storm and the resentment that may accompany your 'win'. Make sure you take stock and value the 'relationship', not just the numbers.

Best of luck. For what it's worth, I would find the position difficult, but as an outsider, I can very much see the pitfalls of forcing your hand.

It probably won't go down well but I'd suggest getting a gratitude journal and start to write in it every day what you're grateful for.

In the end many people follow this same pattern are you right now: "when I have X I'll be happy" - except it never works like that.

When I have a boyfriend I'll be happy
When I have a child I'll be happy
When I have a house/flat/garden I'll be happy
When I have my third or fourth baby, then I'll be happy

But whatever we get, we always want more. Once you have another child, you'll probably want another one.

What is 'happy' anyway? Is your version of 'happy' the only one that counts?

You have two healthy children by the sounds of things. I would be grateful for that blessing and give everything you can to these two beautiful creatures.

Another baby will only divide your time further and if you want the research on it, for every new child that arrives, the other children, particularly the eldest experience an overall decrease in happiness. Children thrive on attention. It's why onlies tend to be the happiest. Again research-based.

Whose happiness is most important? Yours, your DHs, your existing childrens?

I think you have bought into a dream for so long you've forgotten to appreciate everything you already have which is a wonderful man who has looked after your other child and given you a brand new one.

What more do you want? You sound a bit spoilt. I would suggest learning gratitude practices to feel at peace with yourself and with what you have already got.

Happy isn't having more. It's learning to appreciate everything we already have and feeling grateful every day that we get to live on this amazing planet, healthily, surrounded by love, in a safe place.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think that maybe the miscarriage has affected you both in different ways. It's made you eager to have another baby quickly. But maybe it's had the opposite effect on him - maybe it's made him unwilling to risk having another child, now he has experienced something that can go wrong?

If you haven't talked about babies since the miscarriage then all this has been bubbling away under the surface, for both of you. And now it's come out into the open a bit. So I do agree with BiscuitBarrels - you need to talk to each other, and listen to each other, and take each other seriously. Maybe he isn't as eager for a big family as you are, maybe he is happy with the size of family he already has. Maybe he is still grieving, or afraid of another loss, or something else going wrong. And maybe he is worried about the demands of a big family. If you've recently given up a career he may have financial worries -- it can be quite stressful being the only breadwinner. My sister was the only breadwinner for several years while her DH was a SAHD, she had a well paid job but she said it was more stressful for her than she expected. And if he is a lot younger than you he may not feel quite ready for that much responsibility. I don't if any of that is how he feels, the only way to find out is to listen to him.

And one thing to bear in mind - a small family can be happy and healthy too, and some big families can also be unhappy and unhealthy. I hope you find the family size that works best for you and for your DH.

What Flagg said.

Your husband seems to have made pretty fair points. It should be a joint decision.

@AtomicRabbit - I think this is spot on. I haven't been doing gratitude journal (will look at that), but I have been vocalising the positives in everything I can. I'm going through some full on shit storms right now, and the power of positivity is carrying me through. It's old and boring, but there is always someone worse off than you. And when you look, I mean really look at your situation, there is so much to be grateful for - even if you're having a lot of problems.

And in relation to OP - two healthy children and the support to be able to stay at home with the baby and study full time. A partner that sees your child as his own, and despite not wanting another, is there, still supporting. There's much to be grateful for right there. As humans we do have a tendency to fixate on what we 'want', and we create an otherwise non existent pressure that we will only be happy when we get it.

Do you have any books or other resources you can recommend?

I think the OP's partner did want their child, it is the eldest child that the ex had doubts about parenthood with.

OP, you do sound a bit obsessed and are piling the pressure on with labelled baby clothes and insisting that a possible pregnancy is taken into account when a summer holiday when you are not trying at the moment! You've given up work and started studying with, I suspect, the intention of being a SAHM yet this doesn't sound like something your partner wants. I don't think you are listening to his views on it at all unfortunately.

Nothing you do now is going to change your childhood, and it's not your children's job to be responsible for that either. Your happiness is down to you.

The rather extreme 'it's all tarnished now' makes me think that there may be some other underlying issues for you, and I would focus on getting those sorted first OP. Just because your plan hasn't panned out exactly as you wanted doesn't mean it is tarnished at all. You both need to be kind to yourselves.

@Dragonembroidery this advice is nuts to me! Why would you encourage a woman who isn't working and is already lucky enough to have two children to have another, ultimately sacrificing a relationship for the sake of single parenthood because she thinks more children = more happiness?

Dragon, that's some wild (and inaccurate) generalisation you're making there. Most countries where the infant mortality rate is low have concomitantly low birth rates. Countries where maternal/neonatal care is poor, with poor outcomes, tend to have higher birthrates. As care improves globally the birthrate is also falling.

Info and stats here: www.gapminder.org/

Dragonembroidery

"Choose the baby not the man as they say." - do they? Who's they?

How is the OP "..all set up to have many more babies"?

She isn't working and is studying full time. Who will pay for that life style? Will living on benefits and maintenance payments from her ex partner make her happy? Will the children be happy? Should the partner who doesn't actually want another child have to pay for it?

I think your advice is incredibly irresponsible. It asserts that the one thing that can make the OP happy is having more children, and that the happiness of OP is the ONLY important thing. The happiness of her children, or her partner are somehow irrelevant. That resentment and financial strain would have no effect. It's a very childish view.

Be grateful for what you have. Be satisfied with what you have. Be careful you don't adversely affect what you have by wanting more

@Dragonembroidery that is INSANE. What you're suggesting is called Reproductive Coersion and it is abuse, and sexual assault.

I wouldn't be pushing a man to have a baby he didn't want. It doesn't matter if he can articulate it well or not. He doesn't want it and that's enough. You talking about your troubled childhood is a worry. It's not a good reason to have a big family. And if you haven't had enough therapy to really sort it within you then the likelihood is that the pattern will repeat. I'd focus on the two you have and try to bring up another baby in a year or so if you still want one. I have to add in that the planet really really doesn't need/want one!

Apologies. ChicCroissant you're right, I miss read. OP said "I was made to feel guilty when I pregnant with my first as my ex didn’t want our son. I never want to feel like that again"

OP, if you pressure your present partner to have another, I suspect this is exactly how you'll be made to feel again. You've already been through this, so you know how it pans out.

OP, every extra child you have contributes an extra 58.6 tons of carbon dioxide equivalent emissions PER YEAR to the global climate emergency. Why would you do that to our fragile and suffering planet?
Why aren’t you satisfied with the two children you already have?
As PPs have advised, I think you need counselling to unpick your emotional childhood problems, rather than risking driving your DH away with your baby obsession when he doesn’t want one.

OP consider the possibility that you have baby #3 and then your DH regrets it, he never wanted this anyway, he resents you, resents the baby, resents his life - then he leaves you.

I was just the same as you wanting baby #2. Ex played along but I KNEW he wasn't as excited/broody as me - I mean most men aren't broody and baby obsessed are they? But I convinced myself he was as into it as me. Mine cheated on me when I was pregnant and then left when baby #2 wasn't even 2. Life got reeeally dark. Tears and broken-hearted pain every day. My children don't get the individual attention they need because I have had to take on so many roles. Be two parents in one. Bring all the money in. Do all the housework. Cleaning. They don't have the life they deserve and neither do I. I've aged about 10 years in the last 2 years. I don't even have a job yet but when I have to work on top of all this, sort out school holiday care etc I think it might just finish me off.

I think sometimes you just have to be happy/grateful for what you have. I should have stuck with baby#1 and gone to work when he started FT school. If you push it, especially with a brand new demanding life, it can cause everything to flip upside down.

But I know... I KNOW what that broody feeling is like. It's an instinct and I can't blame you for it. You just have to be so so sure your DH is fully on board.