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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH doesn’t want any more children

104 replies

Superleo837 · 06/02/2020 06:41

I’m probably being unreasonable but I just want to know if I’m blinkered. I have one DS from previous marriage whos 11 DH and me have been together since he was 2! I am now 37 and DH and me have a 16 month old together. Ever since we’ve been together I’ve made it clear I wanted a big family. We didn’t have our 16 month old before now because of cost of childcare etc but now I’m at home for a few years studying. I had a dysfunctional childhood and I’ve always wanted a big happy healthy home I’ve worked really hard to create that so far. We’ve been planning our 3rd but no set plans. I had a horrid miscarriage before Christmas and I said it would help me if we could try and get pregnant again quickly to which he said he wasn’t so keen so we put it on hold until March (complicated reason). Then last night he said something about maybe the 16 month old going to nursery 1 day a week to help me study in a few months so I’m thinking hmm what about a new born? But ok never mind. Then we were talking about going on holiday in the summer and it became clear he’d not thought about me possibly being pregnant. We had a blazing row when I said what are we doing about baby number 3 - he said what would you say if I said no to no3? All hypothetical apparently but why ask it? Apparently I’m baby blinkered. And we’re like a baby machine! I said I’m 37!!! We haven’t been trying and Ive not been talking about it. I’m just confused lots of people have more than one together and theyre not a ‘baby machine’. I’ve just given up a career and being a stay at home mum and studying is my focus and even that feels like the wrong thing now. I feel very unsettled. I’m so down about this. It seems all tarnished now. I was made to feel guilty when I pregnant with my first as my ex didn’t want our son. I never want to feel like that again. He also said he does want another one but it’s a lot of work! Am I unreasonable to be so fed up about this?

OP posts:

Leatherstrap · 06/02/2020 07:40

Perhaps he’s concerned about being the sole earner for an expanding family and is worried about extra costs.

SandyY2K · 06/02/2020 07:41

It doesn't sound like having 3rd child would be enough for you, from the way you talk about wanting a big family. I don't consider 3 children a big family.

You've become somewhat obsessed because of your childhood.

Your DH has seen the reality of having a child and the hard work that comes with it.

I have to say I disagree with all this "too many people on the planet" . It's a personal choice. Some people won't have any children...if both parents are on same page it would be fine, although I do think 5 and more kids is alot.

Ive got 2...but that's my choice. DH wanted more.

Collaborate · 06/02/2020 07:41

Were you working when you met your husband? Were you working when you married?

How would you pay for this enlarged family when you're not working? Would you expect your husband to work harder?

TDMN · 06/02/2020 07:44

Also wondering if its about money if you couldnt afford childcare for several years and now you plan on studying for a few years? Id be cautious if I were him too.

FoamingAtTheUterus · 06/02/2020 07:46

Well looking at it from his point of view whilst youre having babies and studying he's the one who had to work to pay for it all. He has every right to not want sole financial responsibility for the family placed on his shoulders.

I think the miscarriage is still very raw, and it's understandable that you want to try straight away but his feelings and concerns are valid too.

GoodbyeRosie · 06/02/2020 07:47

I think men are allowed to change their minds about this kind of thing, but we often say nothing as we know it can lead to accusations of ' ruining life's ' 'being selfish' etc.

You are in a relationship, and your husbands feelings are as valid as yours in this matter.

It's a very upsetting situation but it would be wrong to have another child with a reluctant father.

Flagg · 06/02/2020 07:47

Please don't have kids to try and fix your childhood. It's really not fair on them - and it won't work until you deal with your inner sadness anyway.

Ugzbugz · 06/02/2020 07:48

I wanted 4, then I had one and realised how tiring and hard it was a changed my mind and stuck to 1. He should have spoken about this before but maybe he finds the baby has totally changed your lives as it does, and lots of children doesnt mean happiness or health. I wanted to create a family like you as had a shit childhood but I have one alone and that's enough.

SandyY2K · 06/02/2020 07:48

Him being the sole provider and being a lot younger than you may be factors in all this.

lilyheather1 · 06/02/2020 07:48

What Flagg said. To a tee!

AJPTaylor · 06/02/2020 07:49

He is prob feeling the pressure of being the sole earner for the first time. My dh is a hard worker but much mentally happier if I am working to some extent.

CakeandCustard28 · 06/02/2020 07:54

YANBU for being upset but your YABU for not accepting what your partner wants. Having another child won’t fix your childhood, and maybe he’s scared of another miscarriage and doesn’t want to risk it? Also being the sole provider Might be putting him off. You’ll just have to accept it unfortunately, you can’t push him.

PityParty4one · 06/02/2020 07:54

Oh OP I am sorry about the miscarriage

Wanting a big family is one thing but you do have to look at the practicalities. I say this as someone with 4 DC.

I went from 2 DC to 4 (twins) and it was not only a financial strain but it took alot out of us as parents. DH had to shoulder most of the financial responsibilities as we had 4 under 6 and I was physically and emotionally shattered being the full time carer.
As much as we love our DC we both agree that those 4 years after the twins were the hardest ever and given a choice we would not choose to have 4dc and would have stopped at 2.

ChrissieKeller61 · 06/02/2020 07:55

Our 4th split us up and now the 4th baby wishes it had ever been born and blames itself for the unhappiness of its siblings. Nobody has ever ever said it was down to the child. It’s reached that conclusion itself which is awful

dottiedodah · 06/02/2020 07:55

I dont think you are baby blinkered ! You are at an age where you probably feel its now or never! DH is younger and doesnt feel the urgency . Why not talk again to him and explain to him how you feel? Can you have a break away and reconnect together .(Maybe DGP could have DGC for a W/E)? You have worked hard to get a good family life and have done very well in the circumstances .

ellendegeneres · 06/02/2020 07:58

In desperately wanted more than two. However my circumstances mean that two was all I was able to have, and whilst a bitter pill to swallow I came to accept it and am now focusing all my energies on being the best mum I possibly can be two my two little ones.
I think the acceptance was the hardest thing to do, as I too had saved all of my dcs best bits for the ‘next’ baby which will never be.

I think a serious chat and as unemotional as possible about expectations and the reality going forward is needed. I do feel that he may have been absolutely scarred from your miscarriage (my dp was) and it has had a real emotional impact.

I think once the conversation has been had, you both need to accept going forward both view points and support one another.
I view my relationship with my dp far more important than any dc that will never happen, though it definitely took a time to come to terms with it without resentment (both towards him and my own body that let us down)

MarthasGinYard · 06/02/2020 08:03

'Please don't have kids to try and fix your childhood. It's really not fair on them - and it won't work until you deal with your inner sadness anyway.'

Very wise words

cavabiensepasser · 06/02/2020 08:04

'Quite a lot younger' than you, and been with you for 9 years? I'm honestly wondering if you've totally ridden roughshod over the man since he was in his early twenties, and he's finally standing up for himself, and you just can't stand it.

He. Does. Not. Want. Another. Child.

It is his god given right to not want another child. Either accept the fact that the man has a say in his own fertility and the number of children he fathers, or leave him and find one who wants children, but don't ever force anyone into parenthood against their will. EVER. Yes, you DO sound baby blinkered.

UrgentHelp12345 · 06/02/2020 08:05

Your child didnt split you up - maybe the stress of a 4th child did but the child didnt

I dont think the child has reached that conclusion by itself, Our 4th child split u up

My mum and dad split up when we were younger and none of us blame ourselves for it and ourbparents dont blame us either

KundaliniRising · 06/02/2020 08:08

I think that it would be a good idea to look at this in therapy op, your gp should be able to refer you or point you in the direction of counsellors near by.

A big family does not equate to a happy family and to be frank there is a huge issue of over population, polution, human made climate change and limited resources in the world. Reproducing only yourselves will be better for our earth than adding more.

apacketofcrisps · 06/02/2020 08:13

How old is he?

Sceptre86 · 06/02/2020 08:18

His opinion is just as valid as yours whether you agree with it or not is a different matter. Also having a large family because you had a defunct childhood is not going to solve any residual issues you are dealing with. How would you intend to study with another child on the way and a 16 month old as well as all the other chores a sahm would do? I would ask this question again but with a newborn and toddler. It can be done but will be so much harder. Maybe your partner is disillusioned with having to support you whilst you choose to study and then all the associated costs of supporting another child too. He may also be concerned about your miscarriage and not want to see you go through that again. Or simply he could have changed his mind about how many kids he wants as he is allowed to do. I hope through calm dialogue you can come to a resolution that works for you both.

Fundays12 · 06/02/2020 08:19

He could still be grieving himself and scared of trying again. He may just need a little time.

How many kids you have is totally up to you but being honest 3 is a big jump from 2 in the sense of washing, cooking and cleaning.

I have 3 kids (age 8,3 and 6 months) and I generally can’t see how I could study without either ignoring my kids or paying for some childcare. I work one day a week and it feels like a break. My kids do a lot of activities etc but I don’t want them to miss out. I would honestly think long and hard about the practicality of 3 kids and studying.

ChrissieKeller61 · 06/02/2020 08:21

Obviously I can’t know what the co parents told the child but that’s absolutely the conclusion it’s reached it’s self. Which is sad. And yes the stress related to the whole experience split us up. Not necessarily a bad thing either in retrospect but still not good for any of the 4 children

Lunafortheloveogod · 06/02/2020 08:23

Perhaps the miscarriage has affected him more than you realise? He maybe doesn’t want to go through that mentally or watch you physically go through it again. If you were hospitalised during/after and he was left with the kids himself, assuming he’s usually not with work etc, maybe he realised he couldn’t cope on his own with two so there was no chance in hell he’d manage a third? Worried you won’t stop at 3? Financial stress childcare for 3 obviously costs more than 2 especially when the first is a few years off of phone me if you need me care till someone got home.

A billion reasons and none of them make it right for him to have to have more children.

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