Why don't you drive. ?

[Fivetillmidnight]

So many posts here from women with various issues , (mostly logistical) with an 'aside' of ... 'dp/DH drives I don't '.

AIBU to suggest that IF you have a car in the family ... AND you have at least one functioning eye, and either feet or hands that work well and no reason that the DVLA would ban you from driving for , then you should learn ?

My moderate/severe categorised Dss has just passed his test. ( well done him !) with the help of Motorbility . Surely if he can do it then there is no excuse not to learn ? and relieve the burden for a family where one is the sole driver (normally the man) .

But equally applicable to a family where the women does all the transportation.

Obviously not an issue for those who don't need a car. This refers to those where a car is used for the family and one adult does ALL the driving .

I tried learning to drive in my teens. I was rubbish at it, hated it, and failed my driving test. I've lived in a big city all my adult life. There are very few places in the UK with no public transport at all. Why would I spend money on learning to drive? I only have one friend in the UK who has a car, and apart from when I visit friends abroad, am never in a private car. Not everyone considers a car to be a necessity.

I tried learning to drive in my teens. I was rubbish at it, hated it, and failed my driving test. I've lived in a big city all my adult life. There are very few places in the UK with no public transport at all. Why would I spend money on learning to drive? I only have one friend in the UK who has a car, and apart from when I visit friends abroad, am never in a private car. Not everyone considers a car to be a necessity.

I was a SAHM. Difference is I was self-funded. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t a choice that promoted feminism on a wider plain and I wasn’t relying on a man to support me.

I'm not going to explain my finances on here but part of the reason we can afford for me to be a sahm is because of the huge contribution I made at the start of our relationship...so yes, he supports me now but it's much more complex and a very long story which I won't go into here.

I forgo drinking and funds to drive on a night out, my friends can drive they just don’t want to pay for a car

So you are assuming that women in a house with a car contribute nothing to the cost of that car unless they drive it?

I bought our car (and every car we've had) and I pay for its maintenance, tax, husband's AA membership and at least half the petrol costs - because I am the higher earner. Just because I don't drive it, doesn't mean I don't pay for it.

When I was a teen I lived in a city with great public transport and my family were not well off. None of my siblings learnt to drive then.
When I was in my 20s I lived in London and again didn't need to drive. Plus I did not have the disposable income.
In my 30s I really could have done with being able to drive but I'd just got a mortgage and so financially it was out.
40s ditto.
50s I have finally learned because I have the wherewithal and the need.

There is another aspect though. My DP has driven since his teens and had a car when we met so he drove me all over the place. I think he has a touch of the old fashioned notion that it's his role.

*Women refusing to drive when they can is not for the greater good of their family?!

It is if they don’t feel safe. How often do we see threads about nervous, hesitant drivers who “shouldn’t be on the road”? You lot want it all ways.*

Exactly @Alsohuman, not long ago, an mner started a thread about overcoming motorway driving and she had posters telling her that she probably shouldn't be driving if she was too nervous to go on a motorway!

I tried in my teens (between 17 and 21), failed 4 tests. It didn't come naturally to me, I haven't got good spatial awareness and have an eye problem. That said, I did get to test standard but went to pieces and made mistake after mistake (test number three I only made 3 mistakes). Test number 4 I had a panic attack about 5 minutes into the test. Tried kalms and beta blockers and that still happened. After that whenever I tried to drive (carried on with an instructor for a short time), I felt completely panicky and just couldn't face it. I know I sound weak and I'm not proud of that, wouldn't talk to many people about it cause I know it doesn't cast me in a very good light. I live in Greater London (Sutton) and the transport links are very good. My husband drives and does give our boys lifts and picks me up from somewhere if its late, but we both get discounts on public transport cause of his job. Furthermore even if I did drive, we wouldn't be able to afford to run two cars. I would also be very nervous these days. Don't get me wrong I sometimes feel bad that I have never managed it, but pretty sure it isn't for me.

I passed my test and then had a horrible car accident (not my fault!) shortly afterwards and I’ve never been able to get comfortable with driving since. It shook me up so badly.

I also don’t need to drive at all so it’s never really been a big issue but the thought of having to maybe drive again at some point in future really scares me.

*Women refusing to drive when they can is not for the greater good of their family?!

It is if they don’t feel safe. How often do we see threads about nervous, hesitant drivers who “shouldn’t be on the road”? You lot want it all ways.*

Exactly @Alsohuman, not long ago, an mner started a thread about overcoming motorway driving and she had posters telling her that she probably shouldn't be driving if she was too nervous to go on a motorway!

I passed my test and then had a horrible car accident (not my fault!) shortly afterwards and I’ve never been able to get comfortable with driving since. It shook me up so badly.

I also don’t need to drive at all so it’s never really been a big issue but the thought of having to maybe drive again at some point in future really scares me.

I am amused at this concept of being held back in most careers. I mentioned the intensive driving thing to a colleague the other day (worked with for four years) and she had no idea I couldn’t drive. I have been working for 25 years and run an agency in London, have never needed to drive once!

And I am seriously pissed off at the damsel in distress. Outrageous.

I get myself around. Have you people never taken a train? Or got a taxi? I didn’t settle down with anyone until I was 32, i can get myself around!

I know my husband would like me to learn, hence getting that sorted, but there are plenty of things I would like him to do too, skills I have that he doesn’t, etc.

I seriously wonder at the lack of critical thinking here, it seems to be very much a case of N=1

But do we really think driving is a peculiarly male skill? Some of us have been making the point that it's usually women who don't drive or say they are too scared or too rubbish at it. Men rarely do.

I have a few male friends who hate driving/haven't bothered learning.

I think familial attitudes and the way driving is taught in this country both play a part. FiL allowed 10 year old dh to drive his Mercedes on public roads around their admittedly rural holiday home in NE Scotland having first taught him on private roads. He encouraged him to drive, took him to the garage whenever the car needed work etc etc. Dh sailed through his driving test, was bought a car for his 17th birthday and happily drives everywhere. His sisters have a less comfortable relationship with driving and all their experiences behind the wheel took place post 17. They received no encouragement whatsoever from FiL.

My df didn't think women should drive. He paid for my lessons and bought me a car for my 17th birthday but he never let me drive him. If I gave him a lift anywhere (the station/the pub/airport etc), he'd always drive us there. I was never allowed to drive both ways. Outside my driving lessons, I didn't have an adult to take me out as my dm can't drive (she failed around 8 tests before giving up and her eyesight is now too bad).

I also wonder if 17 is too old. Dh has a lot of family in Canada (Alberta) and we supervised a couple of his cousins when they were 14/15 driving on the roads. Having actual lessons at school and being encouraged when younger I think would help a lot of people.

I'd love to be able to drive again. I've had cbt. I've had psychotherapy. It didn't work. I was a good driver. In many ways I'm probably safer than dh, I certainly need a lot less sleep and don't have to wrestle the overwhelming urge to run all tailgaters off the road like he does. I just have no idea how I'm meant to get from here (panic at the very thought, brain turning to mush, the desire to get off the road at any cost, feeling physically sick) to where I was.

But do we really think driving is a peculiarly male skill? Some of us have been making the point that it's usually women who don't drive or say they are too scared or too rubbish at it. Men rarely do.

I have a few male friends who hate driving/haven't bothered learning.

I think familial attitudes and the way driving is taught in this country both play a part. FiL allowed 10 year old dh to drive his Mercedes on public roads around their admittedly rural holiday home in NE Scotland having first taught him on private roads. He encouraged him to drive, took him to the garage whenever the car needed work etc etc. Dh sailed through his driving test, was bought a car for his 17th birthday and happily drives everywhere. His sisters have a less comfortable relationship with driving and all their experiences behind the wheel took place post 17. They received no encouragement whatsoever from FiL.

My df didn't think women should drive. He paid for my lessons and bought me a car for my 17th birthday but he never let me drive him. If I gave him a lift anywhere (the station/the pub/airport etc), he'd always drive us there. I was never allowed to drive both ways. Outside my driving lessons, I didn't have an adult to take me out as my dm can't drive (she failed around 8 tests before giving up and her eyesight is now too bad).

I also wonder if 17 is too old. Dh has a lot of family in Canada (Alberta) and we supervised a couple of his cousins when they were 14/15 driving on the roads. Having actual lessons at school and being encouraged when younger I think would help a lot of people.

I'd love to be able to drive again. I've had cbt. I've had psychotherapy. It didn't work. I was a good driver. In many ways I'm probably safer than dh, I certainly need a lot less sleep and don't have to wrestle the overwhelming urge to run all tailgaters off the road like he does. I just have no idea how I'm meant to get from here (panic at the very thought, brain turning to mush, the desire to get off the road at any cost, feeling physically sick) to where I was.

I drive, DH doesn't. He initially didn't need to and now he hasn't got round to it. It wasn't really an issue until I had mobility issues while I was pregnant.
The thing that bugs me the most is that I am completely responsible for maintaining and running the car yet it's invaluable to our family however it's not the hill I want to die on.

But do we really think driving is a peculiarly male skill? Some of us have been making the point that it's usually women who don't drive or say they are too scared or too rubbish at it. Men rarely do.

Yes, and young men are the ones who feature most prominently in the serious car accidents stats. Is that a good thing?

Maybe if more people had the confidence to say "no, I don't think I'll make a good driver", the world might be a safer place.

People have disabilities that are not as obvious as feet/hands not working. I have had visual processing and motor co-ordination difficulties all my life, and don't have good enough visual reaction times, or ability to estimate others' speed relative to mine, to be a safe driver. (IF everyone else in the world was a perfect driver, and never caused sudden unexpected changes, then maybe I would be able to drive!) These issues are only obvious under specific circumstances, and you might well not notice anything wrong, and regard me as just lazy. I have always chosen to live in places, where the combination of walking, relatively affordable taxis, and reliable public transport will get me where I need; and yes, it's been somewhat restrictive with regard to career and social life. But better than being killed or killing someone else. And it's bad enough having the restrictions, without being judged and blamed for them.

For me, it’s been a roughly a decade each of ‘can’t afford to’, ‘no point given where we live’ and ‘simply don’t want to’.
I understand that other people like cars and driving and find having a car convenient, but I don’t.
For some reason that seems to confuse/piss off some people.

It should be noted that, even though road safety is much better than it was a few decades ago, about 1700 people are still killed in road accidents every year, and another 25000 are seriously injured. For most people, the practical convenience of driving outweighs these risks; but people whose risk is greater than usual - either due to a subtle or less subtle disability, or due to the conditions under which they would be driving -, or who simply prefer not to take the risk, may make a different choice; and I think this should be accepted.

Disabilities aside I do think driving is a life skill and I think it is something that parents (unless there is extreme poverty) should be expected to stump up for, too many people leave it to their children to pay for from their part time jobs so they miss that window of opportunity during education when their brains are still used to learning and they drift into adulthood without passing their test.

For those who say they can't afford it, if everyone put aside a tenner from when their children were small they'd easily have enough money put aside for driving lessons when older.

What is this a "let's make all non drivers feel shitty about themselves" post.
I dont drive and I don't need to justify my reasons to you or anybody else.
From what I've observed there are some real arseholes on the road who shouldn't be driving in the first place as they have no clue.

Sorry if this has already been said werent they going to change the rules so that you have to have professional lessons before you do the test in the uk

And if everybody was to drive the roads would be maniac doubt you would even move due to traffic.