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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think the use of prostitutes just isn't that big a deal?

665 replies

Hihothedairyo · 05/02/2020 11:40

Now here me out first, I do not mean married men who use prostitutes without the knowledge/consent of their wives/partners. Those are scum, I have been cheated on in that way before so believe me when I say I do not agree with that.

However, I've seen and heard a lot of people (including friends of mine) who believe that men in general who use prostitutes are scum.

Personally, I think that, provided you are sure the person you are having sex with is not being trafficked, then you are really just two consenting adults having sex. Yes there is money exchanged, but nobody is forcing the sex worker to do this job (in this scenario, I know that DOES happen).

Should a person who's say, 30 years old and still a virgin, and now feels their too old and too inexperienced to go out and find a woman to have sex with them, not be able to use a service that a woman is willingly providing? What about someone with some form of disability that wants sex but doesn't have the confidence or whatever to get it normally?

I've got a good friend who lost his virginity to a prostitute, and has visited them a few other times also. He's in a happy relationship now and does not use them and never has while in any relationship. I don't feel that him having used them was wrong, but he is not open about having used them at all and I'm pretty sure his partner doesn't know that he ever has.

I just feel there is far too much judgement and hate towards people who are, in reality, just doing something that has been done since time began. And I see no wrong in it, I imagine I'm in the minority here though.

OP posts:
IfNot · 05/02/2020 18:00

It's not sex and it's not work. It's abuse and organised crime.

Mittens030869 · 05/02/2020 18:00

I know you've said that, OP. But as other posters and I have said on numerous occasions, how would the punter know that the woman they're having sex with us there voluntarily. I can't imagine that they will ask, and even if they did ask, the woman is hardly going to tell him if she is there against her will. She'd be too terrified.

Original poster
Hihothedairyo · 05/02/2020 18:02

Pumperthepumper why don't you try utilise the internet and figure that out for yourself, you don't need me to hold your hand through a hypothetical situation for which you've given abseloutley no context or backstory.

OP posts:
lorettalemon · 05/02/2020 18:02

I think even if it was possible to regulate to the point people had a certificate to show they weren't coerced, trafficked or anything of that description, consent and money just isn't a concept that I can accept

NameChange84 · 05/02/2020 18:04

There is help out there if people look for it, there are other ways to get by, if you want it enough.

Where is this “help”?

I’ll say it again. A woman with no education and a DBS that isn’t clean...she’s got kids to feed and a roof to keep over her head, no savings, no family support (like many prostitutes she’s grown up in the care system or had to leave home at a young age because she was being abused). You can’t just rock up to the Job Centre and get Universal Credit no problem. It’s going to take 6 weeks. She’s already known to food banks and can’t just rock up there whenever she feels like it. She has rent and bills to pay. She’s qualified for nothing.

Give me examples of all of the help that’s available to every woman in this position.

What EXACTLY are these other options that can happen overnight and wave a magic wand so that she suddenly gets a job without qualifications, with a criminal record. Or this magic money tree of benefits that somehow appears?

LittleSweet · 05/02/2020 18:05

TheDailyCarbuncle I wouldn't pay someone for sex. But other people might pay in that situation. I really am finding it difficult to decide what I think about it. Sex therapist, physiotherapist or counselor feel the same to me in those circumstances. But how do you ensure that the therapist isn't exploited?
I think it's very naive to think that prostitutes enjoy their job. It's acting. Most prostitutes are vulnerable. Most prostitutes have been abused, or need money for drugs or to feed their dcs... they are not in a position of power. The act of giving money, is buying someone, but if I pay a psychiatrist for an hour of their time it isn't different, but it is different at the same time. The psychiatrist is in a position of control, whereas the prostitute isn't. How is that? Is it because of the physical part or the fact they are exploited to begin with? Also if prostitutes were funded for mental health for disabled people, would they be safer? I remember a documentary years ago where people with sexual problems were taught how to have sex by having sex with therapists, men and women, referred by a doctor. Is there and interview process that ensures that the therapist isn't trafficked or exploited?

Original poster
Hihothedairyo · 05/02/2020 18:05

Mittens030869 yes I know, and as I said a couple of pages back, I get that now and understand that I was naive in thinking that you'd just know

OP posts:
speakout · 05/02/2020 18:06

If both parties are truly consenting - I have no issue at all with it.

You think being paid for consent is "truly consenting"?

If a prostitute was willing and wanted to give her consent then why does she have to be paid money?

DuLANGMondeFOREVER · 05/02/2020 18:09

Hihothedairyo - thank you for taking our opinions and personal stories on board.
It can’t be easy, reading all these replies.
Well done to you for not just abandoning the thread.

yabadabadontdoit · 05/02/2020 18:09

OP you keep repeating that there is help out there, and other ways to get by, and other choices, yet you refuse to say what any of these are. I’m guessing that’s because you can’t tell us, and you don’t know the answers. You’ve learnt you were misguided in some of your thinking, do you think you may have this wrong too? Because not one other person has come up with any of these things, and there’s some very knowledgeable people on this thread.

Mittens030869 · 05/02/2020 18:11

Okay, I see where you're coming from, OP. I wouldn't have understood it myself if I hadn't got involved in a project helping trafficking victims.

GilbertMarkham · 05/02/2020 18:11

What I noticed about the prostitutes the Ipswich serial killer murdered is that,in addition to being beautiful young women, they were all apparently drug addicts.

I thought about that jokey t-shirt slogan "alcohol - helping ugly people have sex since .." and that there could be a prostitution version;

"Heroine - helping unattractive older men have sex with beautiful young women since 1970".

There might be some truly uncoerced, "neutral" prostitution but in middle of all the trafficking, deprivation, addictions, abuse, mental illness, coercion and exploitation .... It seems minor.

NameChange84 · 05/02/2020 18:12

And a lot of ex-offender schemes are aimed at men. I’ve volunteered with ex-offenders in these kind of schemes and never once came across a woman. They were mainly all re-trained in construction, joinery, as electricians etc. In reality there are very few equal opportunities for women with a criminal background. Let alone women who are single parents needing to work around school hours.

Pumperthepumper · 05/02/2020 18:13

why don't you try utilise the internet and figure that out for yourself, you don't need me to hold your hand through a hypothetical situation for which you've given abseloutley no context or backstory.

This is your theory, that there are other options and prostitution is a choice. You can’t back it up, because you know you’re wrong. I don’t have to ‘utilise the internet’ because there are no other options.

Prove me wrong by listing these other options. You can’t.

storm11111 · 05/02/2020 18:13

@NearlyGranny it wasn't meant as an insult or to be pervy Confused

I was merely trying to illustrate the imbalance of power and highlight that the word 'choice' is misleading where there is money involved.

I was trying to come up with an example where a regular woman might feel compelled or tempted to go beyond their usual boundaries /moral code in the face of money.

If you could relate to sleeping with or feeling tempted to sleep with someone you didn't want to for millions of pounds then i feel it puts you in the shoes of a prostitute only the rewards aren't so high.

Endeavour1971 · 05/02/2020 18:13

I'm with the minority on this; Ive known several women who do it for extra cash, and whilst they don't love doing it, they are very willing and consenting. They guy gets what he wants (sexual acts), the women gets what she wants (easy cash). Everyone's happy and no harm done

Original poster
Hihothedairyo · 05/02/2020 18:15

Firstly, I don't know about the UK, but where I am atleast, if you don't have money, you can claim over 200 quid a week, and that's without children. While that's being sorted, if you truly have nothing and can prove this, you will be given enough to get by until it all goes through. There are also cash in hand jobs, again where I am, loads of corner shops pay their workers off the books.

Maybe the UK is just shit, but over here, there is no 'it was my only choice', it may have been your best choice. But it wasn't your only one.

OP posts:
Melroses · 05/02/2020 18:15

What I noticed about the prostitutes the Ipswich serial killer murdered is that,in addition to being beautiful young women, they were all apparently drug addicts.

Or they were working to fund their boyfriend's addiction.Sad

Original poster
Hihothedairyo · 05/02/2020 18:16

DuLANGMondeFOREVER
Thank you for not being rude and for educating rather than ridiculing. I'm glad you're in a better place now

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 05/02/2020 18:16

Wait, in your country, people are turning their noses up at free money, no strings attached, to become prostitutes? Why is that?

Also, what county is this?

AngelsSins · 05/02/2020 18:17

Personally, I think that, provided you are sure the person you are having sex with is not being trafficked, then you are really just two consenting adults having sex

And what percentage of men do you think do their research and make sure the woman hasn’t be trafficked/forced? That point always seems to get brushed over.

NameChange84 · 05/02/2020 18:17

What country is this exactly?

Mittens030869 · 05/02/2020 18:17

I recently read about the Yorkshire Ripper murders and I was horrified at the way the media differentiated between the victims that that were prostitutes and those that were 'good girls'. It was really chilling for me, especially as the only reason why my DSis and I didn't end up where they were, as SA survivors, was that we didn't run away from home. (We grew up during that period.)

The vitriol that those victims suffered because they ended up in prostitution was horrific.

MimiLaRue · 05/02/2020 18:18

provided you are sure the person you are having sex with is not being trafficked

This statement is so ignorant I dont even know where to begin.You do realise the levels of coercion and abuse that are used to keep women in this trade? and no, there is no way to "tell" whom has been coerced and who hasn't because they aren't allowed to tell anyone for fear of brutal reprisals. Would you tell a punter you dont want to have sex with them if you know you'll get beaten to within an inch of your life for doing so?
No, I thought not. Women who go into this profession are usually desperate and vulnerable. Forget the stupid TV programmes you have seen about smart, independent women who have lots of other options choosing to be high class call girls- thats largely a fantasy to justify a tv programme featuring prostitution. No girl goes to their career advisor at school and says they have aspirations to be a prostitute because its what they've always dreamt of.
That isn't the reality for the majority of women in this trade.

Winesalot · 05/02/2020 18:19

The act of giving money, is buying someone, but if I pay a psychiatrist for an hour of their time it isn't different, but it is different at the same time.

This is very different unless you reduce allowing somebody to penetrate your body to being functional, without you needing any arousal to be able to perform such a function or if you find pleasure in this type of transactional sex.

Buying 'someone's' time as a professional service such as a pysch does not require intimate penetration of that person's body, they are in a safe environment and are sharing their knowledge with no physical contact. It is in no way the same except it is providing a 'service' for payment.