To leave my partner over this?

[greenfrog87]

Pretty sure after reading a lot on here my partner is abusive, however, no matter how much I talk myself into it and convincing myself to leave every day, I give in when he comes home, act like normal and pretend everything is fine.
We have a 14m DS.
Been together 10yrs and have joint mortgage.
He and my family despise each other.
My family have offered to pay for me and ds to go on hol with them (partner would be invited but hasn't seen or spoke to them in years so what's the point)
Partner has said he doesn't want us to go. Said if we do, we will not be welcome back in the house when we return.
Flights are all booked, we are due to leave in a week.
AIBU if we go?
I haven't told him I plan to go yet, although I understand I need him to sign permission to let me take DS abroad.
How on earth do I stop feeling so unbelievably guilty every time I think about telling/asking him?
he doesn't want me to go for 2 weeks with DS, but has given me ultimatum that if we do go, me and him are over for good.
Is he unreasonable or am I being selfish?

I think he is being unreasonable. Has he said why he doesn't want you to go? Is he controlling in other areas? On a side note, will he give you the signed permission and do you definately need it?

He's totally unreasonable.
You need to go on this holiday for your own sanity and switch your phone off the whole time you're away.
He's a controlling manipulator. No wonder your family don't like him and he doesn't like them because he knows they can see right through his fake facade.
He's showing you who he really is...you should start believing him.

@Rosebyanothername19
He doesn't want me to take ds away from him for 2 weeks and said I wouldn't like it the other way round.
I asked at the weekend whether he had thought about letting us go, he said he didn't know how I had the audacity to think he would even consider it, but if we wanted to go then fine but we are over and I need to pack and remove all belongings before we do

He sounds awful. You know this. Why don’t you get your family to help you leave him, before you go?

And why do you need his permission to travel? I took my baby on planes without my husband and never had a letter?!

Who’s on the mortgage?

Both of us are on the mortgage.

So just pack your things, go to your parents, go on holiday and enjoy yourself. Sort out finding somewhere to live when you get back

He’s being controlling, no e ample to your child

www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad

You can’t go unless he says it’s ok.

He doesn’t sound nice at all. I can understand totally why you’re reconsidering the relationship.

GO and never return. Come back from holiday and stay with your family. He seems to think you & your DS are his property.

I was never asked for any evidence. Flown with my kids alone loads.

Regardless of whether you go on holiday or not, you should leave him

He sounds vile

He does sound awful and I think leaving him is the right thing to do. But he is right about not taking DS away for 2 weeks without his permission. I would be distraught if DH took DD without my permission and I'd be contacting the police.

Leave him, sort out a custody arrangement then plan trips around that.

What’s happened between him and your family? Do you agree there is reason for this dislike on both sides? It feels a bit disloyal to him arranging this with your family behind his back and I’m sure you wouldn’t want your child spending two weeks away from you with people you can’t stand and who don’t like you but without knowing the background it’s hard to say. He could have been awful to them / you and it might be justified.

Not enough information - presumably there are other reasons why you want to leave him? If you were very happy together I wouldn’t have thought you’d want to go on holiday without him?

Why don’t your parents like him?

I have travelled many times alone with my dd, without anything written from my exh to say it was ok. We have different surnames on our passports so I take birth certificate and marriage/divorce certificate just in case.

Go and have a lovely time.

I agree you should pack your bags and go, permanently.

It's obvious that your family has the measure of him. Hopefully your eyes are now starting to open. Ask them for support and help in getting away from him.

As far as the holiday goes, even if you aren't able to take your child because he won't sign anything you'll be much better off staying at your family's home with DS on your own. How peaceful that will be!

There have been so many things over the 10 years.
When he's lovely, he's amazing. But I can't get past the past, and comments he makes, which he probably just shrugs off, not realising how much they hurt me and I can't stop thinking about it all.
This week I told him my mum has been tested for cancer, the same cancer my grandad died of 9 months ago. He said 'did she used to smoke' then changed subject. He's not asked about her since.
Has said will not consider another baby together until my Nan is dead.
Has said things like I should stop punishing ds by making him spend time with my family.

I would be distraught if DH took DD without my permission and I'd be contacting the police.
@geneshish
What do you think happens with separated and divorced parents when they each decide to go on holiday with their children?
Everyone survives. Then they do it all again the next year.
Op - in your circumstances, I'd go to court briefly to get a 'specific issue' ruling on this. I really don't think it would be refused.
In the meantime, give your passports to your parents or someone else so he can't hide them. And move out- life is too short to allow someone else to control you like this.

@Selmababies I think the key thing there is "without my permission" not the fact the parents are separated or divorced

We dont k now why he doesnt get on with yur family but he sounds abusive-what your nan got to do with having children is he waiting for an inhertiance you will get?

why would ds being with your family be punishing

You need to fill in the next line OP.

If I choose to go on holiday I will be spitting up.
If I choose to stay, then I will be...

@sofaandchoc
I think the key thing there is "without my permission" not the fact the parents are separated or divorced
I guess I didn't make my point explicit enough, but what I meant was that he is withholding his consent unreasonably. That is, that plenty of other parents cope with not to seeing their children for a fortnight, and it's nothing out of the ordinary for many.
The irony of this situation is that if they divorce, this is likely to be a regular occurance for him.

@Selmababies maybe I read it wrong but you are right in that if they separate then going on holiday will become a regular (ish) occurrence. Just concerns me that there's a week until the holiday so not much time to either get his consent (doesn't seem like he will give it willingly) or go to court (or whatever it is that is needed to get consent - I must admit I have no experience or knowledge in this area)

Am I right in thinking that the reason posters on MN suggest getting married before having children is that this situation is avoided if the travelling parent and child has the same name. Although I'm not sure what will happen if the mother decides to keep their name. As I said, I'm not knowledgable here but interested to know

Has said will not consider another baby together until my Nan is dead.

, don’t understand that at all.

You will need his consent to take your DC abroad. And I imagine he will try and make your life difficult every step of the way if you leave him.

But it isn't really the issue is it. You need to look at the example of a relationship that you are setting for your DC. If you wouldn't be happy for them to be in a relationship with someone like your partner then leave now because everyday you stay you are showing them that it is acceptable for someone to treat them in this way.