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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my partner over this?

126 replies

greenfrog87 · 04/02/2020 22:43

Pretty sure after reading a lot on here my partner is abusive, however, no matter how much I talk myself into it and convincing myself to leave every day, I give in when he comes home, act like normal and pretend everything is fine.
We have a 14m DS.
Been together 10yrs and have joint mortgage.
He and my family despise each other.
My family have offered to pay for me and ds to go on hol with them (partner would be invited but hasn't seen or spoke to them in years so what's the point)
Partner has said he doesn't want us to go. Said if we do, we will not be welcome back in the house when we return.
Flights are all booked, we are due to leave in a week.
AIBU if we go?
I haven't told him I plan to go yet, although I understand I need him to sign permission to let me take DS abroad.
How on earth do I stop feeling so unbelievably guilty every time I think about telling/asking him?
he doesn't want me to go for 2 weeks with DS, but has given me ultimatum that if we do go, me and him are over for good.
Is he unreasonable or am I being selfish?

OP posts:
Sparklyring · 05/02/2020 08:32

Get yourself on holiday and leave the nasty twat.

PurpleDaisies · 05/02/2020 08:36

For everyone saying just to go, she needs his permission or it’s child abduction.

www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad

To leave my partner over this?
Titective · 05/02/2020 08:41

I would call his bluff. Pack to go on holiday and take some extra stuff in case he's changed the locks when you come back. If he calls the police on you then you'll know your relationship is over.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 05/02/2020 08:51

Just out of curiosity, does he do any of the care for your child?

Oxfordnono12 · 05/02/2020 09:26

You need to make up your mind on what you want to do.
Are you together or are you not?

Then go from there.

But I wouldn't be happy if my partner took my child without my permission. You need to understand that the child is also his not an object to be fought over because mum and dad cant get on.
My sympathy is always with the child because they are the ones stuck in the middle, when parent(s) cant get their shit together.

Urkiddingright · 05/02/2020 09:29

Technically you need permission but many have travelled without it and it’s been fine, I am one of those people. My DC do have a double barrelled surname though with my name in there.

norealshepherds · 05/02/2020 09:34

I’d leave him anyway, the holiday is the least of your worries

TheMustressMhor · 05/02/2020 09:34

What has the death of your grandmother got to do with the possibility of your having another baby?

CakeandCustard28 · 05/02/2020 09:37

I wouldn’t be happy if my DH took my two kids on holiday for two weeks with people who openly disliked me either to be honest. I’m on his side about this sorry.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 05/02/2020 09:37

Do you have same surname? Seem to recall many friends who are mothers have taken their kids solo without being stopped...

Think it is probably risky though without permission... You can go to court though and get this sorted quickly...

MashedSpud · 05/02/2020 09:41

Why are you with him?

GloGirl · 05/02/2020 09:43

Honestly. Dont split up with him in the next week. Your mum is under a cancer diagnosis, you're planning a holiday, you have a young baby. Your husband is clearly on high alert for being a dickhead.

Take it slow.

Take a copy of whatever keys you can get that do not just include the house key in case he bars entry when you get back from your holiday - you will go on hols wont you?

Make an urgent appointment today at a family solicitors. Ask if he can kick you out of the house. Ask what copies of paperwork you might need to get, scan and copy whatever you can before you leave.

Let your parents know what is happening to you.

When you go on your holiday pack an additional suitcase just in case, for when you get back off holiday and he wont let you in the house. You can access winter items for you and your child - coats and joggers and hoodies etc. Keep it at your parents house.

Sort it all out when you get back.

When you're on holiday please have a think about what life you want to live.

PurpleDaisies · 05/02/2020 09:43

Technically you need permission but many have travelled without it and it’s been fine,

I’m guessing all of those people don’t have a husband who has explicitly said no, may well make trouble and is likely going to be an ex husband very soon. Why risk jeopardising the op’s chance of getting custody? He’s being totally unreasonable but advising the op to do something so unwise is irresponsible.

Kit19 · 05/02/2020 09:48

OP haven’t you posted about your relationship before?

The basic problem is he’s a controlling dickhead & this is just one in a long line of red flag behaviours

Forget about the holiday, you can go on holiday another time, what you need to do is leave him permanently

AllHeart1 · 05/02/2020 09:51

I think this is a difficult one tbh.

On the face of it giving an ultimatum seems extreme. However, I’m fairly sure that if a woman posted here that her OH was planning to take the kids abroad without her but with his family who disliked her people would be urging her to get a court order to prevent him from doing so and to leave him.

My partner taking my fourteen month old away for two weeks, without me and with people who disliked me, having booked the flights which he hadn’t told me about would be a deal-breaker for me too I’m afraid.

WolfOfOdin · 05/02/2020 09:51

Are you travelling from or to the USA?

Do you have the same surname as your child?

I'm not entirely sure what sort of trouble you can get in, if you were a single parent with no contact with your childs other parent then does this mean you can never go on holiday because you cant get permission?

Sparkle567 · 05/02/2020 09:55

Go, take your child. The airport won’t ask for fuck all.
If questioned when back say he never had an issue until you actually went and changed your mind and it was too late.
It’s ridiculous anyway.
Take anything important for the house before you go incase he destroys it.
Then go back to your house after, it’s YOUR house too. He cannot kick you out.

PurpleDaisies · 05/02/2020 09:56

if you were a single parent with no contact with your childs other parent then does this mean you can never go on holiday because you cant get permission?

Presumably in that situation the absent parent doesn’t have parental responsibility.

The big difference here is the op’s husband does and he has said no. The child and the op have different surnames. The husband is abusive and they might split soon.

Going on holiday isn’t the priority now. If she decides to go, she needs to talk to a lawyer first.

AllHeart1 · 05/02/2020 10:02

People really need to stop giving such stupid advice re taking children out of the country regardless of the law.

Fact here is, it is the law that other parent’s permission is required to take children out of the country.

As a rule nothing happens. until it does.

If OP is the one in however many who is refused access to another country or even prevented from leaving the UK then she’s not going to care about the other people who said “oh go, I did and I was fine.”

I personally know someone who was stopped in Canada who hadn’t actually realised that the other parent’s permission was required so was all fairly innocent. They actually took them all into a room, insisted on speaking to the other parent, and when they couldn’t get hold of her after several attempts (other parent was asleep and it was the middle of the night in the UK) the child was refused entry and the whole family had to abandon the holiday and return to the UK.

So people need to stop telling OP’s that it will be fine because sometimes it’s not.

NomNomNomNom · 05/02/2020 10:05

I've flown many times with DC without DH (we lived abroad and I'd often pop home if he was busy with work) and only been stopped once and that was only because we have different surnames on our passports. The one time we were stopped I just explained and they waved me through.

Deadringer · 05/02/2020 10:06

Op doesn't say he is her husband, she calls him her partner. I don't know anything about uk law, does a dp automatically have parental rights or do they need to be applied for, and if they do, has he been granted them?

Hont1986 · 05/02/2020 10:09

Depends on why he doesn't like them.

If this was reversed and the DH was taking their child on a 2 week holiday without the DW I doubt there would be so much agreement.

Lweji · 05/02/2020 10:12

Did you not ask if he was ok with it before having all the flights booked? Surely that would have merited at least a conversation. Or did he change his mind?

Having said that, holiday or not, I wouldn't want to stay with a partner who gives such ultimatums. I might not leave him right now, but I certainly wouldn't have another child and would start making plans to leave, sooner rather than later.

Honeyroar · 05/02/2020 10:12

What are his reasons for hating your family? Have they done something horrible to him in the past? Or is it all him being awkward? He certainly sounds it now.

12345ct · 05/02/2020 10:14

I’m not saying he isn’t abusive or don’t leave him but I’d not be happy if my husband took the kids away for 2 weeks without me and we’re in a happy and loving marriage. I’d be ok with a week but 2 weeks nope. He’d also feel the same if it was me taking the kids on holiday.
I can imagine the responses if the man wanted the take the kids on holiday and the mother didn’t. They’d be totally different.
That said if you’re not happy with him or if he’s abusers you need to leave him.

Agree 100% with this post.

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