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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my partner over this?

126 replies

greenfrog87 · 04/02/2020 22:43

Pretty sure after reading a lot on here my partner is abusive, however, no matter how much I talk myself into it and convincing myself to leave every day, I give in when he comes home, act like normal and pretend everything is fine.
We have a 14m DS.
Been together 10yrs and have joint mortgage.
He and my family despise each other.
My family have offered to pay for me and ds to go on hol with them (partner would be invited but hasn't seen or spoke to them in years so what's the point)
Partner has said he doesn't want us to go. Said if we do, we will not be welcome back in the house when we return.
Flights are all booked, we are due to leave in a week.
AIBU if we go?
I haven't told him I plan to go yet, although I understand I need him to sign permission to let me take DS abroad.
How on earth do I stop feeling so unbelievably guilty every time I think about telling/asking him?
he doesn't want me to go for 2 weeks with DS, but has given me ultimatum that if we do go, me and him are over for good.
Is he unreasonable or am I being selfish?

OP posts:
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 05/02/2020 00:58

Um, if you jointly own the house, you have every right to return to your house after the holiday. What an idiot.

You're right, OP, he's controlling and nasty to boot. Instead of feeling guilty and unreasonable, I'd tell him that it'll be great for your DS to spend time with his extended family and start packing.

Bullies need to be shown that you're not afraid of them anymore. Does he really want to lose his family over a holiday?

SeaToSki · 05/02/2020 00:58

Are you living in the US? I have traveled loads with my DC and not DH - they have never batted an eye at TSA. If you are in a big family group its even less likely. Where are you going on holiday?

agonyauntie2020 · 05/02/2020 01:12

your nan?

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/02/2020 01:26

I have been asked for a letter. However I have a different name and nationality to DD. I had a notarized letter and her birth certificate as well as her passport.

LadyMinerva · 05/02/2020 01:28

You are teaching your DS that this is how he should treat his future partner and all women. He may only be 14 months but he is learning every day that women are not to be respected.

You want to leave him. You said so in your OP. But you are scared. I can tell, I've been there, I know how difficult it is. But I did leave and promise that once you do, you and your DS will thrive.

lilmishap · 05/02/2020 01:39

I've never been asked for a letter and mine have a different surname to me.
I'm not convinced you'll be punished for taking them on a two week holiday if he is fully aware of where you will be and when you will be returning to your jointly owned home.
If he does anything it will ONLY prove his unreasonable, abusive and controlling behaviour towards you.

lilmishap · 05/02/2020 01:44

I asked at the weekend whether he had thought about letting us go
This is not a sentence that an adult uses to her partner.
I need to pack and remove all belongings before we do
His belongings? Or is he handing you the cash to buy you out of your home as you leave with his children?

Alonelonelyloner · 05/02/2020 02:02

God he sounds truly awful OP. Go.

He can't stop you returning to your home. Hopefully he just won't be there and you can just deal with him through a lawyer.

Bluerussian · 05/02/2020 03:41

Just go, never mind about 'permission', he's not going to give it but when you've gone, there's not much he can do about it.

Please don't stay with this awful man. When you get back from your holiday, sort out your finances and speak to a solicitor.

Flowers
Ugzbugz · 05/02/2020 03:46

I have travelled abroad many times with my son and we have different surnames, they ask to see his birth certificate but I have never had a document from his dad and nor have they ever asked me for one. Hes a controlling twat, pack your stuff and go.

Shev1996 · 05/02/2020 03:54

The only time passport control will question you leaving the Country with a minor is if you are flying somewhere one way with no return date set. Then they “might” ask for parental consent from your husband, but it’s unlikely if you have his passport. Going on a prearranged holiday it wouldn’t come up. We’ve taken step daughter on numerous holidays and never once been asked or even considered getting written consent (even though consent was given). Go enjoy yourself and then deal with the separation with the help of your family when you get back

Selmababies · 05/02/2020 04:19

If you decide to go on the holiday with DS, I wonder if your partner could inform the passport authorities that you don't have his permission to take ds out of the country? My concern would be they may need to act on this and refuse to let you fly.
For this reason, I'd speak to a solicitor about getting the court's agreement to this. I think these types of things can be done very quickly if neccessary, but it would be best to check it out asap.

lborgia · 05/02/2020 04:50

Yes agree with this - no point in everyone saying they've travelled with children, if op's husband reports her, it's the trouble she'll find when she returns. Obviously.

Unless you can get a ruling, I would not risk taking the holiday, but I would be doing everything I could to safely leave the relationship. Take care.

Shoxfordian · 05/02/2020 05:19

Leave him anyway op, regardless of the holiday

HotDogGuy · 05/02/2020 05:45

I’m not saying he isn’t abusive or don’t leave him but I’d not be happy if my husband took the kids away for 2 weeks without me and we’re in a happy and loving marriage. I’d be ok with a week but 2 weeks nope. He’d also feel the same if it was me taking the kids on holiday.
I can imagine the responses if the man wanted the take the kids on holiday and the mother didn’t. They’d be totally different.
That said if you’re not happy with him or if he’s abusers you need to leave him.

Oakenbeach · 05/02/2020 06:06

if op's husband reports her, it's the trouble she'll find when she returns.

In trouble with whom exactly?

PlumsGalore · 05/02/2020 06:45

Does your not so D H know you are expecting written permission?

If he doesn’t then he is unlikely to report you. Either way, I would be going and dealing with him when I got back.

There must be 1000s of single parents with no contact with the father who travel.

You clearly have the sport of a good family on your side too. I think this is an ideal time to make the break.

Fralla · 05/02/2020 06:50

If you're in the US it might be different? But I've flown loads between countries in the EU alone with the DC's and no one has ever questioned it.

He can only stop you if he actively calls customs / the police and report that you are trying to kidnap your child. But even so, if you have a return ticket they are unlikely to stop you anyway if there's no other history.

Swissgemma · 05/02/2020 07:02

I fly with my son on my own all he time. I am pretty much always asked for a letter to say I my husband is happy for us to travel. Additionally, my son (4) is often asked who I am and where his dad is.

meredithgrey1 · 05/02/2020 07:09

I’m not saying he isn’t abusive or don’t leave him but I’d not be happy if my husband took the kids away for 2 weeks without me and we’re in a happy and loving marriage. I’d be ok with a week but 2 weeks nope. He’d also feel the same if it was me taking the kids on holiday.
I can imagine the responses if the man wanted the take the kids on holiday and the mother didn’t. They’d be totally different.
That said if you’re not happy with him or if he’s abusers you need to leave him.

Agreed.

longearedbat · 05/02/2020 07:09

I would not be living with a man like this, holiday or not.

Luckystar20 · 05/02/2020 07:15

I'm going against the grain. From what you said I wouldn't be happy if my husband wanted to take my 14 month away abroad for 2 weeks with my there. I also wouldn't want to be forced to go away with people who I didnt like or get on with. Many people wouldn't holiday with inlaws who they do get on with. I agree with the sexes were reversed you would be getting different responses. Tbh you're relationship sounds like its come to the end.

Luckystar20 · 05/02/2020 07:16

Without me*

PurpleDaisies · 05/02/2020 07:55

Just go, never mind about 'permission', he's not going to give it but when you've gone, there's not much he can do about it.

Yes, but technically this is child abduction. See the link I posted earlier. If I was going to file for divorce and seek full custody, I wouldn’t want that on my record.

Damntheman · 05/02/2020 08:20

I wouldn't be super happy if my partner wanted to take my 14 month away for 2 weeks without me either, nor would I want to go on holiday with people who openly dislike me. So I do get where he's coming from.

That said, I wouldn't push such a stupid ultimatum.

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