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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my partner over this?

126 replies

greenfrog87 · 04/02/2020 22:43

Pretty sure after reading a lot on here my partner is abusive, however, no matter how much I talk myself into it and convincing myself to leave every day, I give in when he comes home, act like normal and pretend everything is fine.
We have a 14m DS.
Been together 10yrs and have joint mortgage.
He and my family despise each other.
My family have offered to pay for me and ds to go on hol with them (partner would be invited but hasn't seen or spoke to them in years so what's the point)
Partner has said he doesn't want us to go. Said if we do, we will not be welcome back in the house when we return.
Flights are all booked, we are due to leave in a week.
AIBU if we go?
I haven't told him I plan to go yet, although I understand I need him to sign permission to let me take DS abroad.
How on earth do I stop feeling so unbelievably guilty every time I think about telling/asking him?
he doesn't want me to go for 2 weeks with DS, but has given me ultimatum that if we do go, me and him are over for good.
Is he unreasonable or am I being selfish?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 05/02/2020 10:19

That’s a good point, I don’t know where I got he was the husband from.

He has parental responsibility if he is listed on the birth certificate or has applied for it and been granted it in the past.

What’s the situation there op? You might be ok to go after all.

AllHeart1 · 05/02/2020 10:26

@ Deadringer he would have PR if he were on the birth certificate. Given the child has his name and not the OP’s I’d imagine that’s likely.

Also, his being her partner and not dh would affect his rights to e.g. prevent her from coming back into the house. If he owns the house or the lease is in his name then the OP has no rights at all.

AngstyAnnie · 05/02/2020 10:28

I'd go. It's unlikely you'd be stopped - possible but unlikely - so it's worth a try IMO. If he was to report you, you could feign innocence. Say he was fine about it all along, act confused. They can't prove it. I don't think he would report you though as that's not what he's threatening. He's saying if you do go "it's over" not that he'll try to stop you. He doesn't mean that either he just thinks it's enough to change your mind. Call his bluff. Oh and then get rid of the arse.

JKScot4 · 05/02/2020 10:30

I’ve travelled alone for years with my DC and never been questioned, nor do I know anyone who has, only ever see this on MN

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/02/2020 10:36

if we do go, me and him are over for good

I'd be packing now and running for that plane. Seriously.

Who wouldn't want their partner to enjoy a nice (paid for) holiday with their family? He's very selfish.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/02/2020 10:36

sounds not wanting you to go on Holiday is the least of it. You sound like you have great support from your family and I would use that to go on holiday with them and stay gone from him

AryaStarkWolf · 05/02/2020 10:37

I’ve travelled alone for years with my DC and never been questioned, nor do I know anyone who has, only ever see this on MN

Same here

SpinneyHill · 05/02/2020 10:56

You are expected to leave this man.

OP he can't claim he has fears of abduction but he hasn't threatened to either, only posters on here have suggested it.

He has made it clear he is threatening to refuse you access to your own home causing you and DS harm unless you obey him.

He is committing a crime by threatening to refuse you entry to your home if you disobey, that is coercive control, it is illegal and it follows a pattern.

Please read the lists of behaviours/evidence www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

SpinneyHill · 05/02/2020 12:29

Bloody hell @greenfrog87 I've just read your other posts.

It is heartbreaking to see the struggle involved due to a decade of having your mind twisted.

Even when asking for advice on here you kept denying or omitting the coercive control and abuse, as if it didn't really matter.
That is denial, control and abuse making you think it isn't that big a deal.
You know your family are seeing that his behaviour is unacceptable, abusive, controlling and they know DS is also subjected to it.
Pesky loved ones pointing out how fucked up a situation is, eh?

Yet you are still asking permission to leave this man.
Please leave this man, it will get worse, you will have to watch as he does this to your son. There is NO reason to stay.
You are so close to leaving him. You are right to leave him. You and DS should not be treated like this by anyone. Your family will support you.

I'm so sorry we all focused on the fucking holiday.

Osirus · 05/02/2020 13:59

“Just go, never mind about 'permission', he's not going to give it but when you've gone, there's not much he can do about it.”

Yes, but technically this is child abduction. See the link I posted earlier. If I was going to file for divorce and seek full custody, I wouldn’t want that on my record.

I agree with this. Why would you think this was ok to do to the child’s other parent?

OP, my husband has never given me permission to do anything - because I don’t have to ask him! But I would never take our child away for any length of time unless he was comfortable with it.

Kit19 · 05/02/2020 14:02

Yes as spinney says this is really not about a holiday

He’s abused you for years sweetheart you know that he has, you need to leave you really do. I wouldn’t even be thinking about the holiday

Deadringer · 05/02/2020 14:10

Ok I am going to get flamed for this, but how can people consider it abduction if the op goes. Surely abduction is taking a child without the other parents permission or knowledge, where the other parent doesn't know where the child is, and doesn't know if or when they will be returned. This child is being brought on holiday by it's mother to a known destination with close family for a set amount of time, even if technically illegal surely the police wouldn't be interested in this?

PurpleDaisies · 05/02/2020 14:16

You’re making you’re own definition of the law there deadringer. If the partner was the one wanting to take the child out of the country, I bet your opinion would be different.

It would certainly be relevant to a custody battle over the child.

TabbyStar · 05/02/2020 14:19

I’ve travelled alone for years with my DC and never been questioned, nor do I know anyone who has, only ever see this on MN

I've always travelled without DD's father and never been stopped with her. I have the same name as DD and ExP doesn't have parental responsibility anyway. I was asked bringing DD's friend back (but not on the way out!) but I had a letter with me so they were okay. They didn't do any further checks on the letter.

Hope you manage to leave. I was in an abusive relationship for a couple of years, looking back I find it hard to believe what I put up with.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 05/02/2020 14:32

I agree with the sexes were reversed you would be getting different responses.

Perhaps. I think it's the additional information about his controlling behaviour that's the deciding factor, though. I'd encourage the OP to start packing regardless of whether she goes on holiday or not.

Or, bin the holiday and go to a solicitor's to start the separation process, as some posters have said. Not sure that they're married so I have no idea what that entails. As the joint home owner, she still has rights to the house, so perhaps her partner can leave instead.
No idea why the twat thinks she and his child automatically have to leave!

Lweji · 05/02/2020 14:34

Surely abduction is taking a child without the other parents permission or knowledge

Just permission.

gamerchick · 05/02/2020 14:38

So if you go then his own kid won't be allowed back in his own home afterwards?

Not so much the doting dad is he? Hmm

independentfriend · 05/02/2020 15:01

I suspect he's going to try to put barriers in the way of you going, so maybe use the period when you're meant to be on holiday abroad to stay at a family member's house (or elsewhere on a UK holiday) / get some legal advice and advice from Women's Aid or similar about the best ways to go about leaving him.

Kn0ckOnTheDoor · 05/02/2020 15:04

that is so bizarre, i have travelled many many times with my DC on planes without DH and never been approached about needing concent. what if the childrens father is dead? or unknown? or just not in the picture? surely you just say "i dont have contact with their dad" and carry on walking?

Kn0ckOnTheDoor · 05/02/2020 15:05

also, to add, I kept my maiden name so have a different surname to DC. never been stopped.

Deadringer · 05/02/2020 15:06

I meant was it abduction in a moral sense, rather than legally, but again would the police/courts get involved if there was clear intent to return to the family home.

Idonttrackpeas · 05/02/2020 15:13

Go to the police. report him for coercive control. Find out from them whether you can go without his permission. Note that a parent cannot reasonably withhold it - only where the destination is dangerous or doesn't have an extradition treaty. Get a solicitor to write to him or get an emergency court order to enable you to go.
Then leave him.

PurpleDaisies · 05/02/2020 15:32

I meant was it abduction in a moral sense, rather than legally

Look at the link. Legally it is child abduction if the other parent does not consent to the child being taken abroad.

PlanDeRaccordement · 05/02/2020 15:49

i have travelled many many times with my DC on planes without DH and never been approached about needing concent.

It depends where you are travelling to or from. I have been stopped twice travelling alone with my DCs (also different surname since I did not take his when we married), once going to the US and once entering the U.K. from France. It does happen. I think the U.K. even stopped an MP with her DCs once and she went to the news and complained about it. It’s really to stop child abduction by both strangers (different surname) and disgruntled split up parents.

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