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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my partner over this?

126 replies

greenfrog87 · 04/02/2020 22:43

Pretty sure after reading a lot on here my partner is abusive, however, no matter how much I talk myself into it and convincing myself to leave every day, I give in when he comes home, act like normal and pretend everything is fine.
We have a 14m DS.
Been together 10yrs and have joint mortgage.
He and my family despise each other.
My family have offered to pay for me and ds to go on hol with them (partner would be invited but hasn't seen or spoke to them in years so what's the point)
Partner has said he doesn't want us to go. Said if we do, we will not be welcome back in the house when we return.
Flights are all booked, we are due to leave in a week.
AIBU if we go?
I haven't told him I plan to go yet, although I understand I need him to sign permission to let me take DS abroad.
How on earth do I stop feeling so unbelievably guilty every time I think about telling/asking him?
he doesn't want me to go for 2 weeks with DS, but has given me ultimatum that if we do go, me and him are over for good.
Is he unreasonable or am I being selfish?

OP posts:
teenagetantrums · 05/02/2020 15:55

I was never stopped when traveling with my kids and they have different surname to me. Just go. To be honest my ex might have stopped me of had thought he could but it never occurred to him l wasn't allowed to take them without his permission.

saraclara · 05/02/2020 15:57

I've taken my kids abroad without my husband too. But I didn't have a husband who might contact the authorities to have me stopped at passport control.

Roomba · 05/02/2020 16:08

I've travelled many times alone with my DC, who have a different surname to me. They first couple of times I did get my ex to write a permission letter, just in case there was an issue (there shouldn't be, no court orders and always away for less than 28 days, but I wanted to be safe!)

No one ever asked for permission letters etc. as we left the UK or entered any of the various countries we've visited. Once, I was asked 'And are you Mum?' as we reentered the UK at Manchester. I never bother with a permission letter now, but if they needed to contact my ex I know that even he isn't such an arse he'd deprive his kids of a holiday.

leadbetter5 · 05/02/2020 16:12

If this were a good relationship, you wouldn't be carefully asking permission to go on holiday and be frightened of what would happen when you got back.

You are equals, don't even let him make you feel like you are lesser than him.

SpinneyHill · 05/02/2020 16:17

At no point has this man threatened to report @greenfrog87 for abduction.

He knows OP is unhappy and is thinking of leaving him, she is financially dependent because he told her she should stop working.
He is aware her family can see what a shithead he is.
He is threatening to leave his own son homeless and destitute.
He displays every trait of dangerously controlling men.
I suspect there is much worse behaviour than @greenfrog87 has shared.

Please stop discussing passport control and abduction because at this stage he is more likely to hurt OP than report her to anyone.

crispysausagerolls · 05/02/2020 16:20

I think it’s relevant here to know why he does not like your family.

crystal1717 · 05/02/2020 16:23

Do you have same surname as your DC?
If not that can cause problems at airport, if there's custody issues.
Do you have copy of birth certificates of DC. Make sure you have them to go abroad.
Is it unlikely he'll contact police and start kidnap procedures?
I would still go. Are there any police on here that can verify but I think he'd be laughed at, at attempt.
Make sure you have birth certificates though.

PurpleDaisies · 05/02/2020 16:25

Are there any police on here that can verify but I think he'd be laughed at, at attempt.

Why would he be laughed at? She stood hand broken the law (assuming he has parental responsibility). Would a mother turning up at a police station because her husband had taken their child abroad be laughed out if the building?

Original poster
greenfrog87 · 05/02/2020 16:41

He thinks my family are worthless. He says they control me and I will do anything they want me to.
He says they manipulate me, haven't brought me up properly, don't respect me, I completely disagree and think the opposite. They support anything and everything I want and choose to do in life.
In the last year, I missed my dads birthday lunch, Only spent an hour with my family on Christmas Day (the last 30 years I've had morning & lunch with them)
The more I read about abuse, the more I believe he is abusive. But I also have been reading about how he makes me feel, and it's making me realise it's true.
That I'm nothing without him, that he will make me feel horrendously guilty for taking his son away (for the future if I leave him like he has said I have to) despite the fact that he's given me the ultimatum.
I just can't get my head around why he doesn't want me to go for 2 weeks, yet wants us to leave for good if we do.
We are joint on the mortgage. We are not married.
And I do have a different surname to DS

@SpinneyHill - thank you

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 05/02/2020 16:45

Is he on the birth certificate?

crosspelican · 05/02/2020 16:47

I just can't get my head around why he doesn't want me to go for 2 weeks, yet wants us to leave for good if we do

But you can - you must understand that it is 100% because he wants to control you, right?

He doesn't care WHAT you do, so long as he is the one telling you to do it and he will prioritise punishing you for disobedience over anything else, including his child.

He will also continue to punish you in front of your children together, and make sure that he teaches them that women are to be controlled and punished, and men are to be obeyed, for as long as you stay with him.

You know your family loathes him and support you. So tell them. Tell them he is abusing you and you need help to leave - now.

Original poster
greenfrog87 · 05/02/2020 16:47

Yes he is.
I have passports and birth certificate already out the house incase

OP posts:
Brazi103 · 05/02/2020 16:48

I agree he does sound horrible BUT you need to make sure that if you take your ds then he will not make trouble for you.
Please dont listen to people on here who have taken their DC without an issue, that's irrelevant to the specifics of your trip and country you live in.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/02/2020 16:50

Please use this as an opportunity to tell your parents everything and use those 2 weeks to plan what comes next.

Great news that you have already moved paperwork out of the house. Smart.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 05/02/2020 16:56

I think you may have to let go of the holiday. Don't tell him that, though. Go to your parents' house and stay there while you get legal advice and make good use of the thinking time. Take your passports and all important documents. Every time he threatens you, or does anything abusive, write it down. I would consider going to the police about coercive control, too.

When your parents return, they can help you. When you live with an abuser, just getting through each day takes a huge amount of strength. That same strength will carry you through and help you to deal with him in the future. Eventually, you will need to go to court to settle access and your share of the house (don't try to do anything amicably with him, go for a court order every time) and that will be tough on you, but not worse than staying with this man.

chubbychipmonk · 05/02/2020 17:00

Taken my children on holiday abroad numerous times alone without a letter from their dad?! First I've ever heard this!

TorkTorkBam · 05/02/2020 17:06

He has given permission. Crucially he has not said the child must not leave the country. All he has said is that he will end the relationship with the mum afterwards. That's different.

Have you done the Freedom Programme yet?

Mummyshark2018 · 05/02/2020 17:24

I have travelled extensively with my dc without my dh to visit various family members abroad. Never been queried by passport control. Is your dp likely to contact authorities if you do go? . I have a double barrelled surname name and my dc's has one of these surnames. Sometimes it was for 2 weeks, but mostly less. My dh would've missed dc like crazy (and me to a much lesser extent) but he always wanted us to have a nice time.

He sounds abusive and controlling, especially with your updates about birthdays and Xmas. I couldn't live like that and would chose my family over a controlling dh any day of the week.

Sweetbabycheezits · 05/02/2020 17:52

I've travelled with my 2 DCs to the US more times than I can count, and I have never had to have a letter from DH to say it was OK?

LouReidDododo · 05/02/2020 17:57

Go.

And while your away turn your phone off and relax with the family that love you. Then put together a plan to leave.

This relationship is not normal. I’ve been there. Wasn’t ‘allowed’ to go on holiday with my mum. I didn’t go. The relationship got worse then I left. So I should of just gone.

Do you think he will be violent when you go to your parents.

LouReidDododo · 05/02/2020 17:59

Dontdribble what the point in staying in an empty house when her support network have invited her to get away?

SpinneyHill · 05/02/2020 22:00

There is no point, he will just come and get her.

If you're still reading you really do need a plan quickly, how is he likely to be when your parents are away if you don't go?
Would you be able to approach your folks beforehand so you can all come up with something together?
You need to reach out and make contact with someone because you won't unsee how messed up he has left you and it will drive you fucking mad, if you're lucky enough to avoid getting hurt or giving up and accepting it again.
I really do mean that, it took him Ten years to get you here and you need someone to grab you by the hand and drag you out metaphorically. You get lost in your world of abuse and weird behaviour patterns and you will have forgotten how normality looks.

I would keep fingers crossed about going and talk to the parents, the more distance between you the better, even if it is only temporary

Ohyesiam · 05/02/2020 22:46

I just can't get my head around why he doesn't want me to go for 2 weeks, yet wants us to leave for good if we do
Because he doesn’t like or respect you. Things can only get worse with this man op. Please protect yourself and your son by leaving x

Mummyme1987 · 05/02/2020 23:19

And if you both are on the mortgage he can’t stop you coming back to the house.

Pantsomime · 05/02/2020 23:36

OP get legal advice- you can’t tell who knows what on here but if your partner could ring the airport/ police and say you are taking DC out of the country without his permission- you need to know if they’ll just say whatever or stop you getting on that plane - why risk it- find out in RL
Longer term - you know you need to decide it’s over in your head then make a plan and take tiny steps towards freedom day by day- you’ll do it eventually - if you worry about him being violent you need to run for it with DC

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