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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to report this mum to child protection?

164 replies

RZX44 · 04/02/2020 15:45

Serious thread, looking for real advice. I think I need to contact social services but Im worried about the consequences for the child.

My son 13 has come home and told me that his mate, lets call him Jack, has been off school for 4 days because his mum has been too pissed to drive him in (he lives a long way away.) Today Jack has come to our house after school because his mum hasnt showed up to collect him. Apparently she normally drops him to school and picks him up, thoroughly pissed. Jacks parents are separated and dad is a waste of space I gather and only last year passed Jack back to his mums care, fully aware of her issues. So Jack is either gets a lift with his pissed mum, if shes concious, else he cant make school.

But school is Jacks constant. If I tell someone would he be removed from his mum? And maybe the school too? Hes a really nice lad too, so sad. Not saying anything doesnt seem an option, but saying something and who knows what happens. Can anyone advise?

OP posts:

LolaSmiles · 04/02/2020 18:19

You would be acting on hearsay and you are not sure what the truth is here
Reporting what her child told her isn't acting on anything. OP needs to factually state what her child has shared and nothing more.
What happens next will depend on what other information those professionals have.

Helini · 04/02/2020 18:27

As a former child from a similar situation as Jack, I wish someone had told the school/SS/Police about me.

Crockof · 04/02/2020 18:28

I do wonder what people expect the police to do in the instance regarding drink driving. It's illegal to drink drive, if she loses her licence she will just drink drive without a licence. How many police cars do you see on the school run?
Anyway agree with talking to the DSL at school they are very effective.

DoIStayOrDoIGoNow · 04/02/2020 18:37

Yes! Not only should you help this poor child, but if she’s driving near a school drunk, you need to consider the children as well! Do it!

RB68 · 04/02/2020 18:52

I would go to the school - often they will have more background info and also already have contact with SS and other parties with regard to difficult family situations.

It may mean he has to change schools to stay at home though

blowmebaloney · 04/02/2020 18:53

@LolaSmiles but it is a judgement call about who to tell and when, making the right judgement, the most responsible judgement, I think, with best outcome and least trauma involved. Surely if the police go now to check, they will do what needs to be done re safeguarding if the woman is drunk?

Keepmewarm · 04/02/2020 19:00

Reporting to school would be like passing the buck. The information may get lost in translation and you will always wonder if they actually did anything about your concerns. Safeguarding in schools is a days training. No pass or fail, just turn up.
You sound like a good person op.

I was once Jack. I wish I had a you.

FallenAngel01 · 04/02/2020 19:02

Having worked in a school, usually they know which children to keep an eye on. You could report it to the school as "a nagging doubt". I suspect they're probably already aware. However, have you seen this person taking the child to school? Witnessed drunken behaviour? Have evidence that this person is driving under the influence? It's easy to point the finger, not so easy to retract. Be careful.

RedPanda2 · 04/02/2020 19:11

I know it's tough but my mum was an alcoholic when I was school age. The school knew and did fuck all, obviously I didn't want to be away from my mum but a bit of support would have made the world of difference to my life.
Definitely report it to the school, hopefully they will offer some guidance to him.

SinglePringle · 04/02/2020 19:17

I know of a family where this was the case. It was reported to SS and they provided a taxi to get the kid to school and back every day. He was desperate to stay living with his mum and he did but very very monitored. But the taxi thing meant he could keep going to school.

Juliehooligan · 04/02/2020 19:27

@RZX44 schools have a protocol that they follow to ensure the right steps are taken, more than likely, they will have him on a eyes wide open system. Hope you can get him some help.

LolaSmiles · 04/02/2020 19:35

blowmebaloney
The police haven't got the people or the resources to go round to someone's house on the grounds of them being drunk. Even the claim of drink driving with no evidence wouldn't be a priority.
Social services and the school's designated safeguarding lead are more appropriate places to turn.

If a child is in a house with a parent abusing alcohol then it's not the OP or any professional who is responsible for any trauma or upset. The parent us responsible. The relevant professionals are trained to respond appropriately and sensitivity. .

nsav · 04/02/2020 19:36

I was this boy in school, both my parents are alcoholics. If you can, please ask if he wants to come round for tea etc, after you have told the teachers etc. Nobody ever did this for me and I was silently screaming for help. You’ll help him so much

wishing3 · 04/02/2020 19:39

I would report this to SS for them to look into. School should advise you to do the same. SS would then contact safeguarding lead at school, so they would also be in the loop.

thepeopleversuswork · 04/02/2020 19:41

I have to say it sounds as if he might be better off in care tbh. Missing four days of school due to a parent’s drunkenness... must be an absolutely horrific environment

MrsGolightyly · 04/02/2020 19:54

Speak to a social worker in children's services. I don't know why posters are saying speak to the school, what do you expect the school to do?

FamilyOfAliens · 04/02/2020 20:22

Speak to a social worker in children's services. I don't know why posters are saying speak to the school, what do you expect the school to do?

I’ve been a designated safeguarding lead in a school for 12 years. What I would do is thank the parent for their call and then immediately phone our single point of access number for children’s social care and will share not only the information I’ve been given by the parent, but also the child’s date of birth, address and details of any other siblings. I will also be able to tell the duty SW whether we have any concerns at school and if there’s any other background they need to know about. If they later request a welfare check, I will give them more information about things like how the child presents in school, attendance, progress, whether the parents engage with school, etc.

So we can do quite a lot really.

SmallChickBilly · 04/02/2020 20:28

Please run him a bath and give him a hot meal and offer him all the support he needs/ a place to stay tonight.

This is why you shouldn’t wait until morning to call SS.
They need to know that you’ve a) kept him at yours
And b) are trying to help him.

This is such weird advice - he might not want to get naked at a friend's house for a bath (?!) and he shouldn't be staying anywhere without his mum being informed at least.

Also, you don't need to 'prove' that you're trying to help to SS - reporting the situation as you understand it IS helping. Trained professionals are in a much better position to put processes in place to get him real help than any well-meaning but overbearing parent.

blowmebaloney · 04/02/2020 20:29

I agree with @FamilyOfAliens the school has an ongoing relationship with both child and adult.

ItsAllTheDramaMickIJustLoveIt · 04/02/2020 20:32

If I knew someone was driving while drunk, like right this second, I’d be calling the police right this second as they’re an immediate danger to everyone.

blowmebaloney · 04/02/2020 20:34

@LolaSmiles The police haven't got the people or the resources to go round to someone's house on the grounds of them being drunk. Even the claim of drink driving with no evidence wouldn't be a priority It isn't grounds of someone being drunk, it is grounds of OP believing child is in immediate danger because the only person with them is very drunk, I thought. SS are also under resourced.

LolaSmiles · 04/02/2020 20:48

blowmebaloney
Thousands of parents will drink too much and be around their kids. Unless there's immediate concern about the parent's state it wouldn't get the police out. They would also be highly unlikely to get an immediate on call social worker out either.

In a situation of a drunk parent, the only benefit of police over social services would be an immediate home visit. They'd only be likely to come out if there were reports of current veritable behaviour that suggests the children are in immediate danger. In addition to staffing the OP's report would based on information from a different day without knowing if the parent is drunk and what their behaviour is like now, so not a priority.

That leaves the need to raise concerns about a family and inform professionals who will investigate and support. That's social services.

I'm not minimising the impact of drunk parents, more that the police are unlikely to go out based on general concerns when they're unable to respond to crimes.

blowmebaloney · 04/02/2020 20:50

I am not sure why you are arguing about this, but anyway - Unless there's immediate concern about the parent's state it wouldn't get the police out that is the case here, immediate concern, I thought, as I said in my last post.

LolaSmiles · 04/02/2020 20:50

**veritable? Verifiable

MN needs an edit option for a couple of minutes.

Jimdandy · 04/02/2020 20:53

Can you take him in for a few days?

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