To ask for your “computer says no” moments?

[Retpark101]

Light hearted, I’m talking about times when in a shop/supermarket/transport/anything else really, you’ve been “not allowed” or told “can’t do that sorry” when it’s something really tedious or silly. My title (for those who don’t know) refers to Little Britain’s character of a woman behind a computer who just say no to every request made of her.

Anyway I’ll share mine from this morning that gave me the idea.

In Waitrose cafe as they’ve refurbished it and it looks lovely. I’m with DD who is 2. We are looking at the kids snacks and sandwiches but DD isn’t hungry and there’s only ham or egg mayo sandwiches for kids so she isn’t interested. However she would like a banana and an innocent smoothie pouch so I pick both up and go to the counter to pay.

The woman says “sorry but the smoothie isn’t included in the kids meal deal” I say it’s fine I’ll buy it separately. She says “you also can’t have to banana on its own, you have to buy a sandwich and a kids drink as well” (which is just 2 flavours of fruit shoot)

I say I don’t mind paying extra if I can just have the banana, DD doesn’t want a sandwich or a fruit shoot. Can I not just have the banana separately? “No sorry you HAVE to buy it with the kids meal deal”

So I just got my coffee and DDs smoothie and went to get a pack of bananas from Waitrose itself then DD ate one in the cafe.

Total first world problem I know but FFS just let me buy a pissing banana on its own from the cafe without the sandwich and fruit shoot?

Tell me your stories

About 10 years ago I went to Starbucks and I asked for a child's hot chocolate, I used to love them, they were the right flavour, temperature and size. I got told no because I wasn't a child!

Not really "says no" but more like "computer wasting everybody's time and energy".

Letter today from DVLA. Vehicle tax reminder. Very important to tax my vehicle. Go online to tax vehicle.

Guess how much my tax is.

Guess how much my tax is

£0.00, same as mine.

Trying to get a MH referral during pregnancy. Service A said "you're not mad enough, we'll make sure you're seen by Service B". Service B said "oh no you're way too mad for us, but Service C will see you I'm sure". Service C said "don't be ridiculous, we never take rejects from Service B but we'll refer you straight to Service A". And Service A said... well, you can see where this is going...

I went private.

I forget the website now but I put in my name and F for female on one and it came up with a mismatch error, I had to put M for male because everybody knows that the name Harriet (not my name but a similar example) is a man's name

My loyds bank app! I changed my phone number changed it online tried to log in but cannot unless they call me and I input a code off my screen all good except everytime i do I get the call input the number hang up when they say to and get thrown off the app because its taken too long every damm time

When I moved to my current address, I couldn't bring my old landline number with me, as it was a different exchange, but there was a telephone in the house. The lady who had sold to me had moved locally, and taken her familiar number with her. This was back in the days when BT didn't have much competition to worry about. I had to wait a month to have a fresh number allocated to me.
I was working as a teacher then, and by the time BT were ready to reconnect me, I was back at school, and waiting in for an engineer to come and safety-check the handset (yes really) before reconnecting me at the switchboard; hardly a reasonable excuse for taking the day off school. No, a Saturday appointment was not possible.
I had taken the opportunity to go ex-directory, as many teachers do.
So I enlisted a kind friend to sit in the house and wait for the engineer; I told him to help himself from the fridge, and not worry about waiting for me to return, just let himself out once the engineer had been and gone; thus I didn't feel the need to rush home the minute school had ended - but when I got home, he was still there, bored out of his skull, having faithfully stayed in all day. Funnily enough, though, the phone did seem to be working. So I rang up to find out what the hell was going on.....
"Oh yeah, the engineer did ring in sick this morning"
"Well the phone seems to be working, so just let me know my new number, and we'll leave it at that!"
"I can't tell you the number, it's ex-directory"
"It's my phone, what's my number?"
"We can't give out ex-directory numbers"
"Could you put it on a postcard and send it to me?"
"Somebody might read it!"
And to add insult to injury......this was a long time ago, before 1471, so I couldn't ring a friend and ask what number had called them.
House-sitting friend asked if he could at least ring his place of work (gigging musician) to ask what time they wanted him in, and I heard the anguished howl of "No!" when the receptionist apparently said, "Oh the boss just popped out, can he ring you back?"
Back in school the following day, I rang BT and raised merry Hamlet, and guess what? A Saturday engineer was possible after all!
The safety check consisted of putting a sticky label over the old number.
Competition from other providers has certainly gingered BT up - a bit.

I have three children but the doctors have randomly lost the notes to my first so they are adamant I only have two I have three this caused a lot of issues when I was pregnant with my third my thyroid guy kicked off massively when they tried to tell him it was my second baby he got rather irate "this is her third I know full well it's her third stop saying it's her second" he made them note it correctly and corrected the record each and every time

It wouldn't have been so bad if the staff had actually listened to me but they were adamant I was wrong i even offered to bring her in

Recent one was at Smyths. Buying a cot for DS.
Went in store was going to buy it and asked to store until tomorrow as don't have room in the car as bigger than I thought and store was closing soon got told no they have no room to do that. Fair enough, UNTIL she said if you do it ok click and collect we can store it for you that way . It made no sense and just got it delivered.

Every year DH is given £50 M&S gift card from work. This particular year he was also given £50 love to shop vouchers for being there for 5 years. One day we decided we wanted to get the card and vouchers spent so we chose to spoil ourselves that week and do a food shop at M&S. When we got to the till before we put our items through I asked the cashier if a mix of gift card, vouchers and debit card was okay. She said of course.

So we put everything through. It came to £101.17. I handed over the gift card, vouchers and realising that annoyingly I only had £1.07 in cash in the bottom of my handbag we gave her the debit card too. Despite her telling us it was fine, she couldn't process the payments. Computer (till system) says no. So we suggested she give us the gift card or vouchers back and we'll put it the remainder or even all of it on the debit card. Computer says no, they're already processed. Fine we said. Take that loaf of bread off. Again, no can do.

By this time we had quite the audience. It was humiliating. Waiting customers were tutting at us for 'clearly getting a shopping we couldn't afford.'
No, we had plenty of bloody money, they just wouldn't take it! In the end a nice woman behind us gave us the missing 10p cash.

I'm tempted to flog the damn M&S cards DH gets from work every year on FB but instead we walk around M&S with a calculator and ensure that we spend £50 exactly or have enough cash to top it up.

Many years ago I worked in a library. People could renew their books over the phone by giving their library card number. But it was A Rule that you couldn't renew in person without physically having your card, even if you knew your card number. I was always Watched Very Closely during my stints on the desk and given a Talking To if I deviated from any of the Rules.

One of the most soul-destroying moments of my life was telling someone they couldn't renew a book without their card, even though they knew the number and even produced a passport. He stepped outside and, while staring at me through the glass doors, phoned the desk. I answered. He gave me his card number and I was able to renew his books. Because it was over the phone. Madness.

I was wondering if I'd find myself on this thread...

Back in the 90s I lived in a town that was full of people who were up their own arses.

I went into the bank to get money out. In the lobby of the bank there were a row of cash machines. The first four said ‘cash’ above them. The last one said ‘cash and pay in’. I joined the queue behind about 4 other women. There was no one at the last machine. I looked at it and there was no ‘out of order’ sign or anything. I said to the woman at the front of the line ‘is that one not working’.
The whole queue starred at me like I was shit off their shoe the woman at the front said ‘it’s cash AND pay in’.
So I strolled over and got some cash out without paying in’

It defies belief that people are that stupid.

At McDonalds yesterday. The drinks machine was out of order so they refused to sell me a meal, because a meal comes with a drink and they had none. They offered to sell me the burger and chips separately - for 10p more than the meal. I tried to explain that it was cheaper to buy a meal and receive no drink with it than it was to buy the burger and chips separately. But to no avail.

DillBaby I'd have just ordered a bottle of water with my meal. Ridiculous!

I bought a kids play kitchen set, the sort with imitation food processor, blender, toaster etc, for my daughter. When I went to pay for it, I had to produce ID to prove I was over 18. Despite the fact that it was clearly a toy (no blades or electrics), and was marked on the outside as being aimed at ages 3 to 8. Utterly baffling. The lady in the shop was similarly baffled but still insisted on seeing my ID.

Car insurance auto renewed. I rang on start date, apologised for being a bit late, explained that the price was a bit steep, could they price match another insurer. No, it's too late, the car insurance is active now. Can I cancel it? Yes. Please cancel it then and I will take up that price match, cheers.

DS born just before Christmas. Early in the new year is quite poorly with stinking cold and has a large dark green vomit. Is lethargic and not feeding well. Take him to gp surgery to get an appointment (don’t even try to ring anymore as it’s soul destroying).
Receptionist won’t allow an appointment as his birth hasn’t yet been registered (due to all the bank holidays and whatnot) so he’s not a real person.
I explain that all babies are assigned an Nhs no at birth now, not when they’re registered just so that this sort of problem no longer happens. She’s having NONE of it.
As I’m standing there saying “so, I just want to get this very clear because I need to give the gp clinic at the hospital this information... you are denying access to a Dr for my sick baby- this one here (holding him up to be seen) because he’s not real?” And in walks my midwife. She sees me and says “Hi gibble1 what’s the problem?” And I fill her in. She then suggests that receptionist might want to go and see the dr to see when he will be able to see baby DS as there is literally nobody in the surgery apart from me, poorly DS and toddler DD. She points out that mum knows what she is talking about as she is actually a nurse.
My surgery are staggering in their incompetence. And yet sometimes they pull an absolute blinder of efficient service!

“I asked for my chips to be simply wrapped open, in paper, rather than on a tray. The person behind the counter looked at me as if I'd asked for the moon and uttered the words... 'It's never been done.'” Wtf!

3 generations of my family have worked in chippys “open or wrapped?” Is a standard question!

Like pps MANY times at chain restaurants been told they “can’t” make minor alterations or sell certain items outside of an offer setup. I’m vegetarian and this has caused particular frustrations in the early days when not everywhere offered veggie mains so I’d try to make do with a starter but asked for it to be served with the mains... apparently I was expecting some kind of time travel!

@witchqueenofdarkness are you in the Uk? If so how do you not have a county? If so who do you pay your council tax to? Surely that’s your council?

I’ve seemingly screwed dd over as she has 2 Middle names and many digital forms simply wont accept that possibility (what the hell they do with people with 3+ middle names which is common in some cultures I don’t know!) now you’d think it’d be simple she just drops one for the purposes of these sites? Except she then has had to provide official ID for some of the organisations and both names are on there and whatever she’s trying to do then gets rejected!

@Ihavebrillo hair. I’d been working as a waitress in a particular type of Cafe (but more than 2 different ones) since I was 13, when I was 19 I got a job working full time in another but the owners were new to that particular part of the trade. I knew not only the trade but the local customers very well. They absolutely REFUSED to listen to myself or other stuff with similar experience/local knowledge and without ANY market research or any other reason to think it would be successful tried to ignore the basics and have a menu that was almost completely unfamiliar let alone appealing to potential customers. After about 6 months of this and with losses starting to get worrying they FINALLY conceded a little and introduced a few more familiar items, then decided they didn’t like doing that and went back to the old unfamiliar menu. I left for another job around the 11 month mark but stayed in touch with colleagues (2 of us have remained friends until now), and heard things became even worse including arguments clearly overheard by customers where the wife was trying to persuade the husband to concede his way clearly wasn’t working and he was adamant people just “needed to get used to the menu” - idiot!! By 13 months they’d gone bust!

The WORST ones have been when various relatives have had to deal with a bereavement with various organisations refusing to accept that the person who’s account/info they’re trying to sort out is DEAD so NO they can’t come on the phone and give permission for someone else to deal with their stuff!

The worst of this type I’ve personally experienced was a letter to tell me dates and times of birthing classes - sent and received several months after I’d mc. Sent BY my gp surgery and as I’d been hospitalised and had to have several surgeries as a result they definitely knew.

Was just discussing with a customer service agent the other day how AWFUL some companies search parameters are. Personally the ones I’ve found the worst are Tesco and Argos.

Argos’ is very insistent on using the absolute correct term for items that in the Uk we commonly refer to by their brand name eg hoovers. If you put “Hoover” in the search you’ll ONLY get Hoover brand vacuum cleaners (if you’re lucky! At times it’s only shown Hoover brand vacuum bags!) if you want to see ALL what we commonly call hoovers ie vacuum cleaners you have to fully type in vacuum cleaners, even vacuums doesn’t work (though it sometimes throws up vacuum flasks)

Tesco is even more bizarre! When I used to shop with them if I entered eg “butter” you’d get a combination of ONLY real butter in the grocery section no spreads, but ALSO any item that was butter flavoured or even (back when their non grocery was available online) butter coloured - like curtains or duvet sets! Bonkers!

“EDF Energy, however, could not have been more helpful or sympathetic.” Very interesting to note.

I’ve spent the last 3 DAYS on the phone to Utilita (my current energy company I hate them), scottish power (who have taken over my gas supply despite my never asking them to and not having told me - which Utilita failed to do too!), home energy scotland (useless) and trying to contact Ofgem (none of their numbers seem to work!). It’s apparently an “erroneous transfer” and very common.

Basically someone else has tried to switch to scottish power and either they’ve given the wrong address or scottish power took the wrong address and they’ve taken over my supply in error. Yes they can do that, it’s very common and it’s apparently very easy and there are fuck all consequences to any of the companies involved! Aside from the “bad press” which I am very happy to give them here on mn!

At various points I’ve been given all kinds of wrong info even being told I don’t know my own name and address having lived here 3 years! Varying timelines and instructions on how to fix the matter. Hopefully it’s resolved now but I am not holding my breath!

Regarding mortgages I’ve never understood the completely illogical idea that someone who has a proven track record of paying rent for several years can’t get a mortgage because ‘no guarantee they can pay it’ when most mortgages are less than rental fees!

Not really “computer says no” but demonstrates the lack of thinking skills many call handlers seem to have - my name is spelt similar to a common English/french name but is pronounced in a way that befits my Scots heritage. I’ve lost count of the number of times call handlers have tried to tell me I’m pronouncing MY OWN NAME wrong!

Dds name has 2 possible spellings - think Jane/Jayne. She is repeatedly told she doesn’t know how to spell HER OWN NAME!

“Soon after my Dad died he received a summons for a very minor (non endorsable) motoring offence. DP rang the court to explain he was dead and therefore wouldn’t be attending and they said we had to send them a copy of his death certificate - to which I replied “or else what?” Twats.”

To be fair with that type of thing I can well imagine people claiming to be dead to try and avoid court!

I used to work in the wedding industry, I was 😱 the first time a brides mother came in to cancel and get a full refund on the basis the bride had died and my boss was very kind and polite BUT said a refund could only be processed upon seeing a copy of the death certificate. I thought boss was being awful! Brides mother then turned the air dark blue and flounced out never to be seen again...wedding photos of said bride in local paper a few weeks later! Working in that job for some time after that I learned it was a very common cf attempt at getting out of their contract with us. Amazing number of brides and grooms that apparently died - usually car accidents supposedly (to explain the suddenness but I suspect also in attempts to avoid awkward questions) but sometimes they’d be quite creative.

Don’t even get me started on BT openreach! Bloody nightmare to deal with! At one point the exchange box my supply came from was frequently either vandalised or hit by drink drivers! On one occasions where yet again the engineers needed to come out and fix it and replace the cover etc I was assured the engineer was there NOW Fixing it (after several days of them doing bugger all but lying it was fixed and it must be a problem in my home with my router etc) where they come unstuck was my home at that time was right next to it and I could easily view the box and indeed the whole street from my living room window, where I was at the time on the phone to them!

So pleased that when dad died our funeral director gave me the top tip "google up bereavement plus whatever bank, service or supplier, don't just call the help line".

Even companies mentioned up above as offensively clueless were fine as soon as I called or asked for the bereavement service team. Massive props to Barclays, HSBC, Talktalk, O2, British Gas (of all people!) and probably a couple of others too. They made a horrible time that little bit easier.

@spoonblender this!

@Graphista are you in the Uk? If so how do you not have a county? If so who do you pay your council tax to? Surely that’s your council?

Not at all. In London you pay your council to your borough (Southwark, Lewisham etc), these are not counties, but London isn't a country. My SIL lives in Kent but doesn't pay to "Kent Council" so the county thing doesn't work