To ask for your “computer says no” moments?

[Retpark101]

Light hearted, I’m talking about times when in a shop/supermarket/transport/anything else really, you’ve been “not allowed” or told “can’t do that sorry” when it’s something really tedious or silly. My title (for those who don’t know) refers to Little Britain’s character of a woman behind a computer who just say no to every request made of her.

Anyway I’ll share mine from this morning that gave me the idea.

In Waitrose cafe as they’ve refurbished it and it looks lovely. I’m with DD who is 2. We are looking at the kids snacks and sandwiches but DD isn’t hungry and there’s only ham or egg mayo sandwiches for kids so she isn’t interested. However she would like a banana and an innocent smoothie pouch so I pick both up and go to the counter to pay.

The woman says “sorry but the smoothie isn’t included in the kids meal deal” I say it’s fine I’ll buy it separately. She says “you also can’t have to banana on its own, you have to buy a sandwich and a kids drink as well” (which is just 2 flavours of fruit shoot)

I say I don’t mind paying extra if I can just have the banana, DD doesn’t want a sandwich or a fruit shoot. Can I not just have the banana separately? “No sorry you HAVE to buy it with the kids meal deal”

So I just got my coffee and DDs smoothie and went to get a pack of bananas from Waitrose itself then DD ate one in the cafe.

Total first world problem I know but FFS just let me buy a pissing banana on its own from the cafe without the sandwich and fruit shoot?

Tell me your stories

Tesco once refused to sell me a ready-made lasagne because I had no photo ID. I offered to show them my credit card that you have to be 18+ to have (never mind the fact I was 40 and lasagne isn't an age-restricted product anyway) but no dice, and no lasagne.

Virgin Media were also hideous with my mum when she tried to cancel my dad's mobile phone after he died last Summer.

Well, I tried to sign a document with a spoon today... Unsurprisingly it didn't work
I never ceased to amazed that my credit card didn't work in the photocopier and vice versa! My granddaughter thought that if the ATM took a photocopying card it might give out more money.

Turned out, the gas was supplying three houses instead of just one and was billing us for all 3!

Similar thing happened to a friend in the early days of water meters, she noticed that her first bills were huge, she lives on her own. She started noting the use before she went to work and on her return, a lot had been used even when she was on holiday.
Eventually the supplier sent someone to watch the meter, it turned out that the playgroup was on her meter.

My friend's house is on a 60mph main road near a junction on one side and a bend on the other. Pulling out of the drive was quite dangerous.

She bought a strip of land at the back of her house so she could create a drive onto the small quiet 30mph straight road instead. Then asked the council for permission to do that.

Not allowed. The proposed new drive is too close to the junction, and therefore it's too dangerous. It is FARTHER from the junction than her existing drive, not to mention on a safer road.

They did eventually allow it after several appeals.

The other day I had a call about my life insurance. Apparently it's due it expire when I turn 75, so I haven't got many years of it left. So if I live after75 I won't have valid life insurance.
I asked what he meant by 'haven't got long left because I'm 34 and feel i still have a good 30/40 odd years left yet.'
Never did find out the reason for that one

HMRC gave my ex the best 'computer says no' ever. He was completing his tax self assessment form online, and had to input a date using one of those boxes that pop up a calendar to select the date from. No matter what date he put in, a red error message came up that said 'INVALID VEHICLE REGISTRATION NUMBER. PLEASE INPUT A VALID REGISTRATION NUMBER - THIS CAN BE FOUND ON P1 OF YOUR V5 REGISTRATION DOCUMENT'.

Even the HMRC helpline were stumped by that one! He couldn't submit the form as it wouldn't progress onto the next page without this date being put in. So he got a fine for late filing, as they had to send him a paper form (they had the same problem when they attempted to put his info in). They did waive the fine eventually after he appealed with screenshots and notes of his many calls to try and resolve it.

Had a letter in the middle of the summer saying we are not using enough Gas, The gas company will be sending someone round to check our property and would contact the police as they believed fraud was taking place unless we started using our gas properly.

We only have gas central heating and in the middle of summer, we had no need to use it.

Eventually I managed to get someone on the phone to understand that unfortunately I would not be using the heating during August no matter what threats the company made.

The letter was an automatic letter sent out via computer.

I was on holiday at my parents’ house in my home country when I tried checking in to our flights home the day before boarding and could do husband’s and DD’s but not mine. No probs, I thought, I’ll do it at the airport when dropping the bags. Got to airport and COMPUTER SAYS NO! No one could do it, there was even an insinuation that the reason was that I lived in the UK illegally . So when we gave up, I told my husband to get on the plane with DD and I would meet them at the next airport (this was a local airport flying to a main airport that would then fly to Heathrow), only to be told boarding had closed and we were all stranded in little airport 8 hours drive away from main airport.

Luckily, 1) there was another flight with another airline a bit later but still on time for the next flight; and 2) my dad had a credit card with a rather generous spending limit on it. The original airline not only didn’t offer to put us on another flight but also laughed saying our onward flight would have been cancelled because we would have been a no-show on the first one. That was very much not the case and we got home right on schedule.

I was ready to take them to small claims but the justice system in my country is appalling so when they offered to pay for my dad’s credit card bill he advised me to just accept it and move on. I am still angry though! (That was about 6 years ago now )

We were with Virgin for a year. Halfway through our contract our service suddenly stopped; no TV, internet or telephone. Call Virgin who tell us they will get engineer out - no appointments for a week. Ok says I but I want a reduction from my bill for a service I am not receiving. Luckily we have DVD's and ipad to watch tv on. Engineer comes out and after a bit of to and fro he discovers that the BT contractor has cut through our cable. Puts a call in to have it replaced ASAP and as we have no service whatsover is able to connect us to old cabling that next door had when they had Virgin TV previously. This only restores TV and internet (this is important)
He books engineer to come out to relay cable to re-connect us properly. I am advised that I need to be around at appointment as engineer will need access to property to check equipment working ok. Get told appt will be between 8-1pm, I stay in all morning and by 1.15 i phone Virgin to find out what is happening. They tell me that engineer called at 9am and no-one was home so he went away. I angrily say I have been in my house all morning and no one has called (except the postman). They say they have to book it in again. Fine we still have service as using neighbours old cabling. I am then told that the engineer that apparently came to my house this morning completed the job on his tablet and so it has to be booked in as a brand new job. Fine, whatever says I. Call centre operative then proceeds to tell me that someone has to come out to assess my equipment to find out why I am not receiving tv/internet. But you know why, I said exasperated, 'BT cut through my cabling!!'. Well I still have to book an engineer visit'
Fine, engineer re-booked to come out in 10 days time. I'll have to be at home (luckily I had A/L booked). Day of appointment comes and no engineer to be seen. I then phone virgin again, fuming and am told, we have been trying to call you. We can arrange the cabling to be repaired without the engineer visit. Ok, I said but I have no missed calls from you - they'd only been phoning the blody landline, you know, the one that DIDN'T WORK AS THE CABLE HAD BEEN CUT!!!
We eventually got our service properly re-connected 6 weeks after the cable was cut. I left Virgin when the year was up and went back to sky

We adopted our cat as a fully grown beast, chipped him and registered him at the vet. His date of birth wasn't known.

When getting insurance for him, I'd given the DoB we'd been given by the rescue which is a best guess.

Stupid Dcat got into a fight protecting his garden from a fox and needed vet treatment. The policy wouldn't pay out because the vet had him as DoB unknown. Apparently the difference in DoB means they can't prove that he is the insured cat so won't pay out. Bastards.

In an office I worked in, the programmers of the software wanted to ensure our (all adult) staff didn't use any rude words when typing into it. So they made it so if anyone did , that the word would disappear.
Some clients were called things like 'Mrs Peacock'. She became just Mrs Pea. She wasnt impressed when she received a letter courtesy of system mail merge. I managed a team that dealt with water and water supplies. Stopcock was written qhite often, but only it wasn't. Some service men became confused by why staff thought you turned water off via 'the stop under the sink' did they not know it's real name?

There were many more examples that I cant think of but it was a regular, almost daily pain in the ass.

I was talking to someone whose children were having difficulty researching their home town for a school project because obscenities were flagged up in all the searches. They lived in SCUNTHORPE.

@Myimaginarycathasfleas 🤣

I live at number 6.
I was waiting at home for a parcel. Too scared to put the Hoover on, the fear of missing the delivery was so much (due items for holiday)
Card comes through the door "sorry we missed you, weve left your item at number 6"
.....the fuck. I live at number 6! And the bell did not ring.
Later that evening I had my neighbour turn up with my items. Number 2.

Another time, I had a carpet cleaner out.
Carpet cleaner didnt seem too connected to his brain, but no problem.
I pay him by cash.
He calls me in the evening, I've got his card machine. Non plussed I say no, I paid by cash.
He calls DH the next day, your wife has stolen my card machine. He asks, nope. It didnt come in the house.
Every day for the next week, he calls on the neighbours houses, even the next street. Accusing everyone of stealing his card.

In an office I worked in, the programmers of the software wanted to ensure our (all adult) staff didn't use any rude words when typing into it. So they made it so if anyone did , that the word would disappear

I remember a county council having similarly strict policies on all ingoing and outgoing email. If an email had a naughty word, it just wouldn't be received or sent (but with no notification of it). This was particularly a problem for the planning department who obviously get a lot of emails about the erection of buildings.

DH has a Credit card in his name only. However we both use it and I pay the bill etc.
One day he had the misfortune to have to ring them about something. They asked him some security questions, one of which was what is the credit balance on the card.
DH shouted over to me, "Whats the credit balance on the CC". I shouted back the answer. The guy on the phone said "I can't talk to you anymore, you've failed the security questions by asking someone else the answer".
We had to ring back, (and wait in a queue). This time DH answered all the questions ,(I mouthed the answers to him) and then he told the person that he was handing the call over to his wife and I dealt with the query,

The IT department at a previous job reported me to my line manager for making repeated attempts to access porn on a work computer.

I was, at his request and for genuine work purposes, trying to access the Gender Recognition Act 2004 on legislation.gov.uk. Which is not really known for its erotic content.

My oyster card got snapped, TfL sold me a new one & linked it to my YP easily enough but wouldn't cancel auto-top up. I COULDN'T do it because you have to "tap out" at a station to do it... which is impossible on a broken card. Took a few months and various chats with them until a very aggressive phone call where I was spoken down to like a 3yo being persuaded that she could wee in the big girl loo if she just tried until I got angry and pointed out the physical impossibility of what they were saying and threatened to call the independent complaints number I'd been given by an embarrassed staffer at Shepherd's Bush tube. Then they did it on their computer for me and grovelled!

Don't know why this is considered strange. You were huffing at the staff and she rightly asked for ID you didn't have
Because demanding “ID” from a 31 year old to buy a few painkillers is fucking ridiculous

My other one was not being allowed to buy cigarettes with my provisional driving licence at 21. Not a computer error but the cashier refused to serve me because my provisional wasn't a "real driving licence" so I just stood and argued with her that yes it was, just not a FULL licence and that bars, pubs, clubs and my uni etc all accepted it as valid ID because it was issued by the DVLA until her colleague turned up, pointed out the DVLA holograms which meant it was real and sold me the cigs... which were for my dad, anyway. The first cashier was still protesting that it wasn't real as I left. God knows how many people she'd turned away with their "fake id"!

I have had loads of ridiculous encounters with HMRC over the years.

On one occasion they asked me for my employer's postcode as a security question. I gave it to them, they said it was wrong. I had it written on headed paper on front of me and explained that they must have input it wrong but if they asked me a different question I could answer that. No, they wouldn't do that, and she suggested I guess the postcode instead. Oh, well, it's not as if there aren't millions of combinations to choose from.

In hospital once, I was asked if I had diagnosed myself with X condition. I was baffled and said no, I was diagnosed here, in this hospital in June 2003, or whenever it was, and had surgery a year later. They asked for the name of the doctor who diagnosed me. I was so ill at the time that I hadn't a clue, as it was years earlier. I suggested that it would all be in my medical records and was told 'oh no, we're not allowed to access patient's medical records, they are confidential'. The man was a doctor! If a doctor isn't allowed to access a patient's medical records for the legitimate purpose of caring for that patient, what is the actual point in keeping records?

Rang the GP to say I was pregnant and could they refer me to midwife etc. Told I needed to book a GP appointment (not easy to get either).

Booked said appt and told GP I was pregnant. GP said he wouldn't talk to me any further about it until I did one of their tests, even though home testing kits are very accurate. Had to go home, and drop off a urine sample and then wait 3 days for the result.

I did so, then called up 3 days later and asked if they had the results back and could now start my antenatal care. Told they weren't allowed to tell me if I was pregnant over the phone, I had to make an appt with the GP. I told them I knew I was, and can they just start the process..

Nope, had to book yet another appt with the GP which consisted of GP congratulating me on my pregnancy and nothing else, referring me on to the hospital. Complete waste of everyone;s time.

I worked at an office eons ago where I had to send out flyers or booklets to who requested them. I also had to send an invoice for said flyer. However, I had to send out an invoice for something like 20 cents, but the stamp to actually send it cost 50 cents and the paper of the flyer and the envelope together cost another 50 cents. I tried to explain to the manager (small company of 5 people) that it was idiotic to send out an invoice for 20 cents if the cost to us was 1 euro. He didn't get it and told me that I had to send the invoice otherwise no money would come in and the company needed money. In the end I left before they went bankrupt. I think he still doesn't get it.

Another one: I once asked for a coca cola without ice. Couldn't be done the waiter said. I said of course you can. No he insisted it couldn't be done. I then asked him how he made my drink. He told me he got a glass, put the ice cubes in, opened the bottle of coke and poured it into the glass. I then told him to get the glass, unopen the bottle and pour the coke straight in. He looked at me for half a minute as if he saw water burning and then all of a sudden said: ooooh that would work, wouldn't it?

I was astonished by his stupidity.

I've had a 6 place set of crockery for nearly 30 years and in that time I've broken one tea plate. Imagine my delight at finding a tea plate with matching items in a charity shop. I asked to buy just the tea plate for £1.99 but was told no. I had to have 8 other tea plates, 10 bowls, 5 side plates and 3 dinner plates for £1.99.
I did something similar; I only wanted the plates and bowls, but the set came with teapot, milk-jug and mugs as well. It was only £4.99, so I bought the lot and donated the tea-set back to them.