To wonder how some women have it sooo easy...

[Elderflowerasusualthxs]

Aibu? Or just jealous? I don't know but how did they make it?
Such an easy life! Cleaners, gardeners. Huge countryside houses and sometimes second homes by the sea.
A caring and loving husband, good looking and wealthy. No need to work for the rest of their lives. Kids privately educated. Enjoying wonderful holidays in different places and cultures and so on...
They exist and just hit the jackpot or there is a secret that most of us don't know?! I met a pair of them last year by chance through my son's extra curricular activities.
So many of us don't have it like that and I know life can be challenging and unfair at times but they seem to have it all.
Can I have the recipe please? Thank you.

Also there’s a lot on this thread about ‘don’t be jealous’ etc. I don’t think OP was jealous, it’s just an observation. Of course things like ‘happiness’, ‘hardship’, ‘success’ etc are subjective, the point here is that some people just have a good run and others don’t. And if you are someone that has had a good run, you don’t have to be massively defensive about it, it’s fine to just acknowledge that yeah it’s better to have money and be comfortable. It helps a hell of a lot.

I’ve struggled and I’ve had money (which I have earned) and having money is way better! I can indulge in my hobbies, upskill myself, outsource tasks I don’t like, live closer to work, but nice clothes that give me better self esteem, have better healthcare, but better food, go out more and have more time for friends... the list goes on. It’s fine to acknowledge privilege. It doesn’t mean you’re not ‘worthy’ or anything, it’s just an acknowledgement of fact. Money doesn’t buy happiness but it can buy lots of other things that make life easier.

I think a lot of people would think this of my life OP. Husband is the sole earner and we have a nice house and holidays etc.
We are finally coming out the other side but in the past 15 years our family have had to endure drug and alcohol addiction, eating disorders and gender dysphoria all of which I have been the primary carer when dealing with all of this and the fall out from it. Our life looks pretty sweet to most people but bloody hell its been a slog to get here! This public facade you see could be hiding a hell of a lot underneath.

Yes Cookie having enough money to be able to have choices and do things without stress makes a massive difference to your quality of life. And the children's lives.

I would also like to add that a knock on effect if this has meant my career has had to take a massive back seat and left me incredibly vulnerable should my marriage break down for any reason. I look like I live the life of Riley to some people but my legs are peddling hard underwater.

YABU a little, I'd try not to compare. And be grateful for what you have.

A lot of assumptions here that having a rich spouse means living in a gilded cage with someone who dictates your life. I don't believe that's the case for a lot of people - the money just gives them more freedom of opportunity

You never know what is really going on with someone’s life. The grass is green where you water it. Big houses, fancy holidays and cars mean nothing if you have poor health, or a violent husband, or your thousands of pounds in debt etc. Concentrate on your own life and stop looking at what others have or have not. 💐

None of us are rich but we all have household incomes above 90k

Only on mumsnet .

@BitOfFun a 90k or 150k household income does not give you the lifestyle that the op describes unless maybe you are 40 plus so didn't have to pay obscene house prices.

I have 3dc, to sent them to private school would be approx 65k so you would need to earn 100k just to cover that cost alone.

To answer this question from Ops original post...
They exist and just hit the jackpot or there is a secret that most of us don't know?!

Whilst I can’t comment on mega wealthy individuals with unlimited funds (Bill Gates type money), and those women who have met a very rich partner whilst very young themselves so never had to do a days work in their life.

I find the women that tend to fit OPs general description of having a nice big country house, children in private schooling, lovely husbands etc, their lives tend to follow the pattern below;
University Education
Worked in London/large UK city/overseas, throughout their 20s and most of their 30s - and progressed fairly rapidly up career paths
Met DHs in late 20s/early 30s
Bought a property with their DH in London or surrounding commuter belt whilst child free
Both have worked full time with no interruptions in work history I.e - having children, taking a career break.
Put off having children until late 30s/early 40s
By this point the couples I know have taken the equity from first home and moved out of London into commuter towns and/or the countryside and bought something fairly large. Children are put into a local prep school and the wives may choose to be a SAHM, as no need to work. This formula tends to work best if there are no children from previous relationships and/or divorces - as obviously both come with hefty financial implications.

The above is just my observation over the years. I realise many who are very comfortably off wont fall into this pattern and there are other ways to arrive here.

But the key thing is all the women I know who are now SAHM and fairly wealthy have worked full time for a fairly longtime before getting to this position........myself included 😐

@Jomarchsburntskirt One of my latest post clarifies that I was talking about lucky women with kind, trusted and generous husbands, otherwise, money under abusing relationships or debts is no fun, obviously.

@Marshmello Exactly!

I live the life you’re envious of, but you’re only seeing one side of the coin! The reality is different.

To give you the context, we live in a beautiful big home with very big garden and have lots of people to clean/iron/take care of DC, keep the garden looking nice etc. We’re both attractive with no known health issues and have busy social lives and fabulous holidays. I drive a lovely car and don’t think before I buy anything. From the outside, life looks charmed and we are very fortunate.

From the inside out (to friends etc), we’ve been fortunate with our careers. We’ve both pulled in very comfortable six figures salaries boosted by big bonuses for many years. I had the luxury of taking a few years off whilst DC were very tiny, but decided to go back to work full-time, as I was lonely at home.

The reality is that my DH works 15-17 hours a day, plus a commute. Seriously, we never see him during the week. On weekends, he is tired, terse and highly-strung. I literally hate this side of him!! I shoulder all of the responsibility for overseeing everything. He literally works and sleeps.

He would like me to be a size 10. I’m still quite fat (size 14) since youngest DC was born. He’ll often make passive aggressive comments about what I choose to order when we go out for dinner. We sleep in different bedrooms, as my DH needs to have undisturbed sleep to concentrate on his beloved job, which I hate! Our youngest DC still comes into our (my) bed at 4am every night! We haven’t had sex for nearly 3 years. Our marriage is absolutely dysfunctional. Soon I’ll get around to doing something about it. I’m almost too tired at the moment.

I’m grateful for my happy, healthy DC, who are wonderful, I love our home, we have fabulous friends. Our social life is busy, because I actually don’t want to spend much time 1:1 with my DH. We’ve got a much better relationship around other people. Neither of us have functional families either. In laws are very very rich (private plane rich). I think DH is on some mission to prove himself to his arsehole of a father. Unfortunately, his drive to succeed at work will either kill our marriage or he’ll have a heart attack from stress. The money will provide little comfort in reality.

So I suppose I’d say you should value the things you do have, because your impression of others won’t be their reality.

Tinytaxi, that's a very thought-provoking post, thank you.

Anyone complaining about hardship should read this thread

when you have so many posters complaining they can't afford school uniforms, holidays even in the UK, birthday parties and a lovely house with garden... they obviously should realise that being wealthy has to mean being miserable, abused, sick with stress and worry

I live the life you’re envious of, but you’re only seeing one side of the coin! The reality is different.

no, YOUR reality is different.

I know plenty of very wealthy couples who are having an absolute blast.
Being able to afford cleaners, nanny, to sleep enough, have enough free time, nice relaxing holidays...of course they work, and money doesn't come out of thin air, but let's stop the bullshit. They are not the ones constantly arguing because they are tired, can't afford to replace the dying boiler, can't afford a house big enough for the kids..

TinyTaxi that is a very honest post. Food for thought.

I'm sorry but I don't feel sorry for @TinyTaxi, most people have it far harder and have distant husbands.
Also some people are starving and living in damp overcrowded houses.
I work 15 hour day inc commute and I'm on breadline. I have good degree, good a levels etc, before you think I'm unqualified/ could have done better at school.

The very idea that this lifestyle you describe is 'having it all' baffles me. Your values are very different to mine.

I think it's basically either luck, or they know what they want from the word go, whether it's a woman that relies on a man for income, or she's quite capable of earning a good living herself. Once you have got to a certain age, it's harder for a woman without money to get with someone wealthy. All sorts of reasons why but things like relatives thinking your a gold digger. Adult children worrying about their inheritance. Probably living in the shadow of the ex wife. I've had no direct experience myself by the way!

I do understand what you mean and when I was much younger I felt the same : everyone else seemed to have it so much easier and were reasonably well off etc. We were the poor relations.
However, we now have some financial stability and although we have a very modest semi it's ours ( took years and years to pay off though!) still not rich enough for cleaners and gardeners , but I can afford a bottle of nice wine now and again and as long as I have tea on tap and my health and my family are also healthy , then I'm happy. I really appreciate what I have and believe me it's not much compared to many, but a bit more than some. It's been a slog though ; some people will never know what it's like to be broke , but that's life. I'm grateful for the small things in life , even if it's not much compared to other people's much more glamorous life styles. It's hard when you've no money though but you don't know what else they have to sacrifice to have all those things. There nearly always a ' trade off' in life!

That honesty is refreshing @TinyTaxi. Thank you for sharing your situation and for your honesty.

Everythings relative.
To you, you may be at the bottom of the heap, to someone looking in on your situation, you may be living the life of Riley. That could go for anyone.

It's strange I was having a conversation like this with a friend the other day. I'd always envied her in certain ways, but once I knew more about her situation and what she had to sacrifice for that life, I realised I would much rather have what I have.
It made me go from envying her to feeling really sorry for her.

Yanbu, I think I’m one of those women. I’m nothing out of the ordinary, a bit above average looking, a chunky size 12, not academic although not dim. Have a dh who has made a lot of money plus comes from a solid middle class slightly moneyed background who adores me, and vice versa. I have had an adult life I couldn’t have dreamed of as a child.

All the things in your message would apply to me. I also have incurable breast cancer so highs and lows! You never know what's going on in other people's lives and as such you really can't make judgements on whose life you'd rather have.

I agree with crystal, much bloody easier to cope with being in a bad marriage with no financial worries/ a cleaner/gardener/fabulous holiday/ nanny / nice house etc and the knowledge that if you separate you and you DC will still be financially comfortable!
I'd call that pretty good in comparison to so many other women!

From a really young age I knew the qualities I was looking for, I knew from my own childhood the qualities that I did not want. Ambitious, intelligent, successful, a friend. I dated a fair few guys until I found him when we were teenagers. We weren’t wealthy at the start of course, but I knew that he had all the opportunities ahead and the drive to aim for them.

Many years of being there to support him on his way, he is my best friend and we have our challenges. Mostly health, but we have a lovely life and I’m grateful every day for all the opportunities that my children gain from it.