Large financial gift to one adult child

[Betty52]

Is it unreasonable to make a significant financial gift to one (adult) child but not the other in these circumstances?

Two parents (DPs), in their late 60s, have two adult children (DC1 and DC2) in their late 30s/early 40s. Both DCs are married/long term partner and each have two of their own children. DC1s household income is roughly 3 times that of DC2s. DC1 has a decent family home in a pleasant area of an expensive part of the country. They’re in the process of doing major building work and have re-mortgaged to retirement for that but they’ve built up a lot of equity because of the location and work they’ve done. Their children are pre-teen and settled in school so they have no reason to move. DC2 has a 2-bed flat in an OK area in a cheap part of the country. There is very little equity due to prices not rising much in this part of the country and having had to buy a previous partner out of the flat. They hadn't intended to have children but changed their minds and now have two pre-schoolers in a flat that’s too small. They would like to move to have more bedrooms/a garden/near better schools but can’t afford it without help.

So would it be unreasonable to gift DC2 and partner the c£100-120K needed to buy a family home in a nicer part of town? This would be an ‘advance on inheritance’ so DC1 would get the same amount in DPs will (with the remainder split equally). DPs both in good health (and still have two of their own parents) so want to enjoy life now and be able to plan for what might be quite a long future. For this reason, DPs can’t afford to give both DCs this amount now and giving half to each wouldn’t give DC2 enough to move to the house/area that they want.

So is it unreasonable to give DC2 that large gift now and make it up to DC1 in the will? (YABU = it is unreasonable, YANBU = it is not unreasonable)

Sorry OP I posted before refreshing and you'd already cleared up who was who..

I really feel for you. It's a shit situation, but you probably feel as though you are well off because you made it so, and your brother perhaps not, yet he is getting a hand out.
I would probably keep pushing to make sure this is clear in the will - could you get something signed now along with your brother in front of a notary/solicitor?

Also - will it be £100k or £100k with inflation? I'd make the argument that if you had £100k now you'd be able to turn it into quite an investment, just like your brother will.

I treat them all equally. I have helped my older 3 buy a property and have started helping the younger 2. Although my will says all 5 inherit equally I have a letter of wishes they will all respect that says if I die before the younger ones are out of education and before they have had the same house money as the older ones then they are paid that first before the division by 5. However it is very unlikely I will die in my 50s so in practice when I die - probably over 70 or 80 they will all have had the same by then.

My son after university decided to pursue low paid work driving a van and his sisters are lawyers. There is no way I would therefore give him more. He has just chosen a different life which suits him.

Betty52 I can see why you’d feel hurt. I would too, I think they are being very naive if they haven’t even thought about legal advice re drafting the will and realistically you may not even get that: I can see how you feel like your brother has been rewarded for dicking around and not believing in capatalism. My parents have always been totally fair even considering inflationary adjustments.

How much younger is your DB? about 18 months. We both went to the same school (comp). He is now on a generous public sector defined benefit pension scheme.

@Betty52 I feel for you so much. A very similar scenario happened to DH years ago. He tried his best to deal with it 'well' but it's taken its toll, relationships are virtually non existent now. I can see how much it hurts - it really isn't about the money but the feeling that you aren't worth the same as your sibling,

I've seen this happen to friends and it's destroyed the sibling relationships. So on that basis I think it's a bad idea. I wouldn't do it to my children as my priority is that they have each other after I'm gone.

Even if you can't stop them, what you can do is tell them how it makes you feel: that you are hurt and upset and that if they are not prepared to take legal advice then they are not even listening to you. You won't be taking the garden away from the children, but you will at least force them to respect your own feelings. What you do with that afterwards is up to you. I'd personally be distancing myself, but I know it is hard.

I really feel for you as a similar family scapegoat who is never good enough but ends up doing the grunt work. As a result, we have a similar situation in our family which will come to a head in a few years time - too complicated to explain but I don't think many people will end up speaking once the main person dies.

My DM gave my DB £50k, and me nothing. He's wealthier than I am - but he has three children (I'm infertile), and DM said he needs the money for his children.

He booked a nice skiing holiday, spent Christmas in Sri Lanka and bought a new motorbike.

I know it's her money, it's none of my business, but it hurts.

sun that’s bloody horrible. I’d be devastated. Your brother is the golden child? Shocking.

I don’t know what your situation is but I wonder if you would have like some ££ for IVF?

My parents did similar because my brother needed help at a point when I didn't. I got the same a few years later, but until then it was in their will to give it to me. It does depend on the relationship between the DC and between them and their parents though. Mine have helped either of us out if/when we needed it - I was a student and happily renting when my brother needed a home.

Well I'd be telling them they better buy close to your DPs so they can look after them in their old age!

My DH's Parents bought his sister a house outright. They even furnished it for her.
She was in privately rented accommodation and they felt that her DC needed "stability". Whereas we already owned our home (with a mortgage), which at the time was a do-er upper in a bit of a dodgy area as that's what we had been able to afford. We'd recently had our first DC and wanted to move somewhere safer with more space but it wasn't doable for us at that time.

PIL didn't tell us until it was all settled, then they announced it at a family dinner. At our house. In front of everyone. DH just smiled, said "that's nice" and changed the subject. What else could he say? It was already done. My heart broke for him, not because of the money but because I knew it was undeniable proof of the favouritism he'd always suspected.

This was years ago and we've made our own way, both have good jobs and we now consider ourselves very lucky to have our 'forever home' in an area we love. But it must stick in DH's craw that his DSis, who works very part time (it's more of a hobby that brings in the occasional bit of cash really) and has always been very irresponsible financially, was the proud owner of a big, beautiful house mortgage free by her mid twenties thanks to their Parents. I think it definitely put a distance between DH and his DP's. He doesn't talk about it, but he has definitely detached from them emotionally since it happened and we don't see much of them these days.

I would advise anyone against doing this to their DC. It's not about the money, it's about making one child feel fundamentally less worthy and important than the other.

This happened in my family ( for other more complex reasons). My uncle was given a cash sum, my gps house was put in my father’s name. Roughly the same value.
My uncle Lived abroad, invested the money and made a lot And was able to use the money freely.
My gps lived another 25 years and their house obviously appreciated (but northern prices so not massive!) .
Following the funeral my uncle expected to receive half the house....... As it is what his parents would have wanted.
He didn’t.
Make sure your paperwork is very, very clear.

My FIL on advise of his accountant was going to bypass his children and leave everything to his grandchildren. Trouble was only one child had produced the next generation. He had to be talked out of it. The pain that would have caused would have been awful for everyone.

Ironically the others never had children so the grandchildren will receive everything one day, but there is no bad feeling.

My parents did this. I had a period out of work. I sold and bought a house and my parents gave me a large 'advance on inheritance' to buy it outright so I wouldn't need a mortgage.

Plan was to equal it up in the wills but in fact circumstances meant that they have been able to do this pre-retirement.

I felt pretty bad about it at the time and if I'd been in a position to I would've turned it down.

Turns out that I'm autistic. Neither of my siblings appear to be. I'm back in work now but have lost a lot of time out of my career as a result. I don't feel guilty now my siblings have been similarly helped.

My father has done this.

Only issue is the poorer sibling now has a much smaller mortgage (even compared to their smaller salary) and a very luxe lifestyle which pisses me and the other "comfortable" sibling off. I was busting a gut at that point to build up equity and barely going on holiday. "Poor" sibling is going on safari holidays....

My father appears oblivious and hasn't followed through on promises to update his will.

But there is an email trail indicating that he intended to do so and "poor" sibling accepted that so we are well set up for a legal challenge if necessary.

I also hate this aspect of it. My siblings and I all had a really good relationship and this money issue has buggered that up.

This happened to me. DSis had the benefit of a sum of money for this purpose at a time that suited her and actually would have suited me too. I was bequeathed the equivalent amount in my DM's will. Except there was no money left by the time she died due to care fees. It caused a permanent rift between DSis and me that will never be healed.

YABVVU.

But there is an email trail indicating that he intended to do so and "poor" sibling accepted that so we are well set up for a legal challenge if necessary.

@dressingdrown please don't rely on this. Challenges are very difficult and unless the estate is huge you will lose out. Better to try and persuade your DF to change his will now to reflect his true wishes. Offer to arrange the appointment and go with him if that will help.

This sort of thing causes endless bad feeling.

My siblings and I lived with my grandparents as our parents were absuive. I was the youngest by a way and when my Grandad died when I was 12 my Nana was concerned about what would happen to me (my siblings and Aunt made it clear they wouldn't be taking me on, my Uncle was in the military so not really in the position too).

So it was decided that my Nana had to have the flat we lived in valued. She then gave my Aunt and Uncle a cash sum equivilant to a third of her estate inc the flat, and then my siblings a quarter of a third (we were inheriting my father's share as he was cut out). Then the flat itself was left to me. Meaning I could stay in my home with a rotation of family babysitters if she died before I was an adult.

Roll on to when she died the flat had increased a little in value to the point that after my share of insurance/svings etc was put back in and divided between the others the new value of the flat still meant I benefitted more than them to an average of a grand. In a bid to save the family combusting I wrote cheques - my Aunt and 2 of my siblings cashed them

They now don't speak to me because apparently I was 'ridiculously slow' in reimbursing them and it shouldn't have taken one of them battering on my door to bring it up

I don't speak to them because they forget that the only person not involved in that decision was me! They all put their money into property at the time, all bought houses, which has increased in value far more than my flat. Plus I was solely responsible for my Nana's care for 8 years before she died - she lived with me as she couldn't manage the flat anymore and did so until her dementia was so bad she had to go into a home. Despite that I wasn't allowed any input into her funeral because I wasn't her child, just her grandchild (they also banned great-grandchildren from the funeral - which meant my girls who had lived with her their whole lives couldn't go).

And the best bit is - I would have got nothing if she'd ended up in the care home long term! They'd have happily left me with nothing.

These sorts of things highlight divisions that are already in families.

My DSis, who was DC2 in this scenario, also absolved herself of all caring responsibilities. After all, what did she have to lose? Don't assume generosity buys gratitude or obligation. It doesn't.