Large financial gift to one adult child

[Betty52]

Is it unreasonable to make a significant financial gift to one (adult) child but not the other in these circumstances?

Two parents (DPs), in their late 60s, have two adult children (DC1 and DC2) in their late 30s/early 40s. Both DCs are married/long term partner and each have two of their own children. DC1s household income is roughly 3 times that of DC2s. DC1 has a decent family home in a pleasant area of an expensive part of the country. They’re in the process of doing major building work and have re-mortgaged to retirement for that but they’ve built up a lot of equity because of the location and work they’ve done. Their children are pre-teen and settled in school so they have no reason to move. DC2 has a 2-bed flat in an OK area in a cheap part of the country. There is very little equity due to prices not rising much in this part of the country and having had to buy a previous partner out of the flat. They hadn't intended to have children but changed their minds and now have two pre-schoolers in a flat that’s too small. They would like to move to have more bedrooms/a garden/near better schools but can’t afford it without help.

So would it be unreasonable to gift DC2 and partner the c£100-120K needed to buy a family home in a nicer part of town? This would be an ‘advance on inheritance’ so DC1 would get the same amount in DPs will (with the remainder split equally). DPs both in good health (and still have two of their own parents) so want to enjoy life now and be able to plan for what might be quite a long future. For this reason, DPs can’t afford to give both DCs this amount now and giving half to each wouldn’t give DC2 enough to move to the house/area that they want.

So is it unreasonable to give DC2 that large gift now and make it up to DC1 in the will? (YABU = it is unreasonable, YANBU = it is not unreasonable)

The sad thing is that this is more common than one would imagine.
The irony is that the favoured child often feels entitled these funds by dint of the fact that they are poorer.
I don’t blame you for being upset. I would almost be tempted to cut myself off from my parents

OP, I have a similar situation. My DPs have given us all a helping hand, but due to being a bit disorganised and a few things changing, I ended up getting about half as much. There is talk about evening it up either now or in a later will, but I am the oldest, I earn well (albeit in a job that bores me to tears), my DH earns well (but works v hard). My siblings are not as well off as us, and one in particular has married someone who shows v little interest in working hard/at all. I don't want to take away from my nephews/nieces, but at the same time it is a bit annoying as whilst we don't 'need' the money, we do have a crapload of debt in the form of mortgage which will take us years to pay off, also after renovations. I also flick flack between caring about it and not caring. Overall I feel lucky and try not to think about it too much.

I'm so sorry betty, so you are the responsible one being pressured to act as the bigger person.

The short and hard version for me would be along the lines of 'well it is your money to spend, but it will seriously affect my view of family love and fairness'.

You need to say something, it will gnaw for years to come, stand up for yourself just a little.

I also don’t want my DPs to feel they have to scrape together some money to give to me now

You and only you are the responsible, considerate one on this, your db hasn't got these scruples, he doesn't even want to protect the money in case of a split.

You need to say something, and please find someone, a therapist or knowledgeable friend to talk over your family dynamics. You need to find peace of mind.

LolaSmiles Life isn't always as simple as our posts imply.

DD2 suffers from very poor mental ill-health. Both DDs went to uni but DD2 had a breakdown while there and after six years she and her lovely long term BF broke up. She has since worked hard to become a full-time journalist on a good newspaper (not the DM!!) and is in a better place but still fragile at times. Her older sister admits she was luckier, getting her degree a few years earlier (therefore jobs were also more plentiful) and pursuing and marrying her uni BF who for some years earned a packet in the City.

Neither DD wants me to move in order to release money for themselves.

Betty I am sorry you are in this situation. I know DD1 would be most upset if I was to gift DD2 a large sum of money and not her too, even though she is in a far more secure financial place than her single sister.

Oh Betty. I am so sorry you are DC1. I had bets on you being DC2, and hopefully changing your request to your DPs!

my brother won’t accept any kind of trust deed to protect the money if he splits from his partner
This is absolutely utterly irresponsible if they give to him on this basis.

I think if I were you, I'd put it all in writing, once, as calmly as possible - the need for a legal trust deed etc. I'd try to avoid talking about the unfairness, I guess. But I'd certainly feel it.

My parents have five children, one of whom tried to persuade them to move out of their beloved home, which they've lived in for twenty years and had recently renovated to make more appropriate for them as they age - wet room etc- into a small flat accessed by external stairs which they'd been renting out as a holiday let. They were seriously considering doing it as that sibling "needed" the house for their growing family.

Arguably that sibling isn't even the "poorest" - the financial circumstances of one of the other siblings being not wildly dissimilar (both living in pleasant rented houses) one owning a small terraced house but mortgaged to the hilt and unable even to afford to take the SMP part of maternity leave, one being ostensibly in a better position and one very well off. This sibling just drip, drip, dripped the idea to our parents until they were almost persuaded.

I am the most outspoken sibling and objected to the plan, not least on the grounds the flat they were being persuaded to move to was completely unsuitable for both my parents and they'd end up housebound as they both have problems with stairs! Additionally they fucking love that house and had spent two decades getting it exactly how they wanted it! They'd changed the layout completely to suit their changing needs as their children left home with a view to growing old there!

I have no idea how sibling manipulated them so far along the road to signing the house over and moving out, but they hate me for throwing a spanner in the works! Apparently I always get what I want! Our other siblings just watched the carcrash claiming they couldn't say anything...

Families can be really strange.

Thanks everyone. I need to go into work now (obviously!) but will come back later. I don't really feel I can talk to anyone about it IRL (yet) so it's really helpful to talk on here.

We have always treated our two daughters the same regardless of their circumstances.

The kindest thing you can do for yourself is expect to inherit nothing, I understand why they want to do it but they've been very unkind in the way they have managed it.

OP, based on your updates, you need to make sure you protect yourself against being expected to care for your DP, especially it being framed as protecting your share of the inheritance. Harden your heart and turn your independence into an advantage and don't feel beholden to them. Sew the seed now that this will be DB's responsibility in return for the help he got when he needed it.

Betty that's so unfair.

In my own extended family the situation is quite similar.

SIL and her DH have rented. They're in their 50s. The DH was a stay at home parent and still is even though the one child is in secondary. When offered work down the years the commute was apparently inconvenient.

We on the other hand always worked - I had to go back after the minimum 12 weeks maternity on both children as we just couldn't afford not to.

Fast forward and the SIL and her family are moving into the old family home to "look after daddy". They'll never leave.

It bloody galls me.

You are not responsible nor should you be disadvantaged for their poor choices.

DC2 is not married and they're quite against it plus DC2's partner has had a nasty divorce in past, so I don' think they will. They want to be joint tenants of the house.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh nononononono. So basically your parents are not only happy to gift your sibling 120k, but also to take the risk of the couple splitting and their partner ending up with half that money if they're ? They're idiots, no wonder you're annoyed.

I would be OK with this and have been.

Parents gifted a not insubstantial sum to DB who, like @sunshinesupermum’s scenario, had suffered from mental ill health which hindered his start in early adult life.

His lifetime gift is deducted from his share under parents’will ( standard presumption of advancement) and we are all happy a lifetime gift has helped get him back on his feet.

And if care home fees etc eat up what’s left, so be it

I don’t feel my parents love me any less - just an acknowledgement that DB’s immediate needs were greater

That's a shit situation to be in OP very sorry to hear your update. Could you persuade your parents to talk informally with a financial advisor or someone similar to ensure they are doing the best thing for themselves and both their children. Deprivation of assets at least should be a concern.

"he had a long period pursuing hobbies and not ‘believing in capitalism’."

He's managed to get over this belief now then. . .?!

I'm sorry, it reminds me of a couple I knew who made a big deal about not being part of "the system", saying how foolish everyone else is to work to earn money - whilst they were being supported by my money that I stupidly earned by doing a job.

*if they're joint tenants

Aridane That is so lovely to read

Unfortunately, DD1 would never accept this if I did the same for DD2 and I would hate to exacerbate the delicate relationship between them.

DD1 knows I love her but 'feels' that DD2 is favourited over her. Goes back to when they were kids and DD1 was my exH's favourite by far (he's no longer on the scene and hasn't been for years) so I had to make up the emotional difference for DD2 (whose mental ill health stems from her father's behaviour towards her)

Once a parent, always a parent as far as I'm concerned!

OP - show your parents this thread !

OP I think you should insist on your parents taking independent legal advice. The money should at the very minimum be ring fenced as your DBs so he owns 75% of the house or whatever percentage is appropriate. And that his partner has no claim on it.

I think you should be very open about how unhappy you are at being left out. Even if its digs at £120k would let me be mortgage free etc etc.

You are wary about this with very good reason. It sounds as though your parents haven't thought this through. It happens a lot in families. The less successful sibling is given handouts so never becomes fully independent, and often the parents can't see why it is unfair. Independent financial or legal advice may help your parents see it more objectively.

Ah you're DC1, yeah that sucks.

Me too. Not massive lump sumps of money but an unfairness all the same.

My fuckwit of a sister is about to move back in with my parents again, for an unspecified amount of time, where she will live a rent-free, hotel-with-added-laundry-services style life. My parents have deposited, guarantor, and furnished god knows how many rental properties over the years, cleared rent arrears, utilities arrears, car finance, the list is endless,

They have already pretty much brought up and financially supported her three children so far.

She is a 38 year old woman who has literally only worked a total of maybe a year of her adult life, over the last 20 years.

There was some vague comment or allusion a while ago about how it'll all even up in the end.

I "joked" that "Oh it won't and don't worry, I'm not expecting it to. Carers fees will see to that, because I doubt DSis will be looking after you two in your old age and after seeing everything you've done for her, I bloody won't - so it'll have to be carers coming in to you".

My parents both looked really taken aback at that. I'm clear, they can fuck right off if they think I'm caring for them with a view to 'protecting my inheritance'. As far as I'm concerned they can spend the lot on my sister, use it all up on carers, or leave it to the local animal shelter.

It stings though.

Op, that's awful for you.

You have more choices than you think, although none of them are the ones you want.

@Betty52 you may not feel able to do this yet but I do think you should tell your parents how you feel. If you don't, I suspect it will gnaw away at you and will affect your relationship with them far more than an honest conversation would. Best of luck .

sunshinesupermum
Needs are different to wants. This thread is about wants, not needs.

A child who has been unwell mentally or physically who needs parental support is reasonable.
A child who has been in an abusive relationship and needs a helping hand to get their life on track is reasonable.
I've already said that I don't believe children should be treated identically and that sometimes they need different amounts of support at different times.

My issue is parents favouring one child over another to have their wants when their current situation is a product of their own decisions. Too often parents feel they need to make "fair" the outcome of decisions made by their children, and it's almost always the sensible, hard working children that lose out to their siblings who don't work as hard / spend frivolously/ live beyond their means/ desire a certain house or car or lifestyle beyond their finances.