Large financial gift to one adult child

[Betty52]

Is it unreasonable to make a significant financial gift to one (adult) child but not the other in these circumstances?

Two parents (DPs), in their late 60s, have two adult children (DC1 and DC2) in their late 30s/early 40s. Both DCs are married/long term partner and each have two of their own children. DC1s household income is roughly 3 times that of DC2s. DC1 has a decent family home in a pleasant area of an expensive part of the country. They’re in the process of doing major building work and have re-mortgaged to retirement for that but they’ve built up a lot of equity because of the location and work they’ve done. Their children are pre-teen and settled in school so they have no reason to move. DC2 has a 2-bed flat in an OK area in a cheap part of the country. There is very little equity due to prices not rising much in this part of the country and having had to buy a previous partner out of the flat. They hadn't intended to have children but changed their minds and now have two pre-schoolers in a flat that’s too small. They would like to move to have more bedrooms/a garden/near better schools but can’t afford it without help.

So would it be unreasonable to gift DC2 and partner the c£100-120K needed to buy a family home in a nicer part of town? This would be an ‘advance on inheritance’ so DC1 would get the same amount in DPs will (with the remainder split equally). DPs both in good health (and still have two of their own parents) so want to enjoy life now and be able to plan for what might be quite a long future. For this reason, DPs can’t afford to give both DCs this amount now and giving half to each wouldn’t give DC2 enough to move to the house/area that they want.

So is it unreasonable to give DC2 that large gift now and make it up to DC1 in the will? (YABU = it is unreasonable, YANBU = it is not unreasonable)

You really need to say something. Even if it changes nothing, where there is resentment it will come out at some point in some way or another. Better to try and have a conversation now. Your feelings deserve to be heard. So many valid points in these posts you can use to show why this is hurtful and unfair.

Rather than see them both together, is there a parent that you feel is easier to talk to / more likely to see your side? If you’re not ready to go for a full on sit down, could you broach it that way and see what happens? I hope you get some kind of peace of mind with it.

OP, I think I would say something. They are being unfair and unkind. They are effectively giving your DBs partner £100k if they split.

So sorry Betty- your parents are being incredibly unfair. I'm afraid that I would be reconsidering helping them in their old age if they are favouring your brother. Its not about pettiness its about fairness. WTF should you do all the hard work and care for them in old age when your brother does nothing, lives beyond his means yet gets huge cash gifts?

Actions have consequences and I'm afraid in my mind, this would be the logical consequence of them gifting money unfairly. They might say well thats not fair- but neither is gifting one child a huge financial gift and not the other child. They've shown you that life is unfair so they'll have to deal with this "unfairness" when it inevitably affects them wont they?

I see this question brought up in the financial pages every so often. A parent wants to leave or give money in proportion to what they perceive as need, rather than equally. The answer is always NO - always treat your dcs the same. You don't know what the future holds; a relatively "well off" child could fall ill/lose job etc etc and the "poor" one could win the lottery. Above and beyond this, after you have gone, you should want your dc to have a good relationship, not leave them estranged from one another.

Actually I don't think most parents' dolling out of unequal gifts stems from favouritism, but from a seemingly universal desire of parents to equalise their offspring. Parents of adult children always seem to be wringing their hands about unequal outcomes and are desperate to play God to make things "fair". My cousin married an investment banker. My aunt drove herself mad trying to help her other dd live the same 5* life as her sister.

That sounds more like trying to keep up with the Jones; but what many people experience is one child being favoured over the other. Perversely, the one that is not favoured is often called upon to provide care.

The same to each child, or nothing at all until the will IMO.

Just to put it into perspective, I'm mortgaged till my retirement date at the moment like the first child, a lump sum of £60,000 would reduce my mortgage by 14 years and would save me about £65,000 in interest payments.

I was DC1 in this situation, my parents helped DBro financially to buy a flat. I then developed a serious, long term illness and I'm not able to work. Finances are much tougher and we've had to downsize.

My parents wish they had done things differently. They aren't in a position to contribute financially in the same way now.

I don't think it's fair to gift a child that has done better than the other simply because of that . I'll be in this position at some point and it really hurts my feelings .. plus with care costs there are no guarantees that the other childr will get it .!

You cannot possibly give one money now and make the other DC wait! What happens if all your money is taken up by care fees? Then what’s left might be £0.

If you are planning to save inheritance tax, give them both money now. It must be equal or there will be resentment if there is no money left for DC who is made to wait. Give equally now.

This thread has made me feel a whole lot better because there are so many people in the same position.

From my perspective, the favouritism has also set me free. I always felt that I wasn’t good enough, was found wanting in comparison with my siblings, couldn’t do anything right etc etc. I kept trying harder and not succeeding.

Now I don’t try so hard, it isn’t on purpose or being petty but the situation has given me some perspective. I no longer feel that I owe them my time or respect or love because they don’t give those things to me in the same way that they do to my favoured siblings. The money is actually the least of it emotionally but the clearest sign of the favouritism.

I would speak to DC1 first. If they were on board then I’d go ahead.

Have the 2 DC both made sensible choices in life? Or are the DP helping DC2 because in reality they have made poorer choices, worked less hard etc?

You might find that this influences how DC1 themselves views it. If they see it that poor old DC2 never gets a break, they might not mind. If in reality they have spent years slogging for what they have and DC2 hasn't, and DC2 is going to get handed it on a plate, they might be pretty put out.

Irmafaylear has it spot on about parents trying to equalise.

You see it on here a lot, one DC isn't doing as well at school & parents want to send one to private while the other has to cope in a poor state.

Or one DC has had 3 kids they can't afford, now the DPs provide tons of childcare while sibling is left to pay out full nursery fees for their one planned DC.

I would speak to DC1 first.

Why don’t people read at least the Ops posts?!

Op IS DC1!

I don't think parents financial help always needs to be completely equal and fair. I think need should certainly be factored in. However, I don't agree with this scenario. 100-120K vs zero? No way. I'd give the wealthier DC 20k to have the family holiday of a life time, or a new car or something. Something so they don't feel put out. It's really decent to be able to help an adult child out with a mortgage deposit if it's going to be sat in the bank, but most give some, not a whopping great 120k Vs nothing.

No, financial help can’t always be equal and fair, but why should one get 120k and the other 20k? That is more than unfair..who knows what Op could face in the future, as PP said, she could well be ill/disabled etc, and the parents not be able to help her too.

Surely easier to give them both 60k?

My eldest is at uni, so we are paying towards accommodation/living costs. Youngest not gone and possible won’t, she’s mixing working in retail with volunteering/travelling abroad whilst she decides what she wants to do long term. If she goes uni, she will get same help.

We are helping both by putting money into an ISA, and may help DS pay fees off in time....but only if we could give DD the same towards housing costs, or any training/future learning she may do. After my experiences similar to Op, we will be as fair and equal as we can be.

No, financial help can’t always be equal and fair

I disagree. If you help one child, you give the others the same, it's as simple as that.

@MrsGolightyly - I was trying to make the point that in terms of costs such as uni expenses, it won’t always be equal.

But I totally agree that it should be equal and fair in terms of gifted money, I have experienced the same as Op.

I honestly never thought I would be faced with this scenario, but I have learned over the past year, and never a truer word was spoken.....

Where there's a will / house / money... there's a relative.

And sadly that relative turns out to be your own sibling.

I posted before reading that the OP is DC1, but what I will say OP is; be prepared to find out at the eventual will reading of your last remaining parent, that they never "equaled" it out, and you're left an equal share with your brother.

The same thing happened to me pretty much, not for as much an amount though. I always felt my mother favoured my brother anyway growing up. When my dad died 7 years ago I stopped talking to my mother over this issue ostensibly and we were estranged from the time he died until she died. I also stopped talking to my brother too. It wasn't just the money, even though it was easy for it to be portrayed as that, it brought up a lot of other memories of her favouring him over the years, how he bullied me and she turned a blind eye to it etc. It was a mess.

I regret not bringing it up when they were both alive. I brought it up to her but she didn't want to rock the boat with my brother to ask him for half the money back (it was basically given on that understanding). I didn't want to take the same amount off her as she was on her own then and getting on.

The whole thing was done behind my back 25 years ago. I found out about it about 3 years after it happened so it was something I lived with a lot of years. She kept fobbing me off and wouldn't address it. I brought up the time value of money, the fact I was a single parent, I never bought myself anything, he got the cheap mortgage with a big deposit so had the new car, new clothes, DVDs, CDs etc galore. I wore my kids' old socks they grew out of and worked extra jobs (self-employed). The unfairness gets to me now. She's gone and he's gone and it'll never be resolved now. It's tainted everything. I feel guilt I wasn't speaking to her when she died but angry too.

I'm still sorting her estate out with my brother, after not having seen him for years. We still haven't sold her property and she's been dead 18 months. He kept me away from the funeral arrangements and wouldn't give me a key to the property until six months after she died. Things were missing. I was still in the will though so that is something but most of the money had come down from my grandparents to my father so it would have been massively unfair if she'd changed her will, especially as my brother doesn't have kids and I have two to pass the money on down to to make their lives easier in the future.

I would never treat them differently. I would say, after what I went through, to calmly tell them either face to face or by letter that you're not happy with it. You can see that they want to help and you agree but they've overlooked your circumstances and don't seem to have safeguarded your future (remember they were the ones that brought that up, it's not like you're bringing their money up, they did) and you feel second best, rightly or wrongly that is how you feel and you also feel it has the capacity to ruin your relationship with your sibling long after they have passed on. You don't know what is round the corner for you. I'd have to put that out there even if they don't do anything about it. I feel for you. It's not the money.

I agree Biker, my mother fobbed me off with that too but didn't change the will. The value of money changes too, it won't even it up, even if there is anything left.

I think you need to speak up. Why can’t they just give 60k. That will most likely give them a 3 bed flat or a house in a less desirable area? Won’t it?

And then it’s fair. You both get the same cash advance gift.

@MaybeNew
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From my perspective, the favouritism has also set me free. I always felt that I wasn’t good enough, was found wanting in comparison with my siblings, couldn’t do anything right etc etc. I kept trying harder and not succeeding.

Now I don’t try so hard, it isn’t on purpose or being petty but the situation has given me some perspective. I no longer feel that I owe them my time or respect or love because they don’t give those things to me in the same way that they do to my favoured siblings. The money is actually the least of it emotionally but the clearest sign of the favouritism.*

My DH could have written these exact words, this really resonated with me.