Large financial gift to one adult child

[Betty52]

Is it unreasonable to make a significant financial gift to one (adult) child but not the other in these circumstances?

Two parents (DPs), in their late 60s, have two adult children (DC1 and DC2) in their late 30s/early 40s. Both DCs are married/long term partner and each have two of their own children. DC1s household income is roughly 3 times that of DC2s. DC1 has a decent family home in a pleasant area of an expensive part of the country. They’re in the process of doing major building work and have re-mortgaged to retirement for that but they’ve built up a lot of equity because of the location and work they’ve done. Their children are pre-teen and settled in school so they have no reason to move. DC2 has a 2-bed flat in an OK area in a cheap part of the country. There is very little equity due to prices not rising much in this part of the country and having had to buy a previous partner out of the flat. They hadn't intended to have children but changed their minds and now have two pre-schoolers in a flat that’s too small. They would like to move to have more bedrooms/a garden/near better schools but can’t afford it without help.

So would it be unreasonable to gift DC2 and partner the c£100-120K needed to buy a family home in a nicer part of town? This would be an ‘advance on inheritance’ so DC1 would get the same amount in DPs will (with the remainder split equally). DPs both in good health (and still have two of their own parents) so want to enjoy life now and be able to plan for what might be quite a long future. For this reason, DPs can’t afford to give both DCs this amount now and giving half to each wouldn’t give DC2 enough to move to the house/area that they want.

So is it unreasonable to give DC2 that large gift now and make it up to DC1 in the will? (YABU = it is unreasonable, YANBU = it is not unreasonable)

I wouldn't do that. You risk DC1 thinking you love DC2 more. I would leave money equally in a will or, as a PP suggested, gift them both £60k each now. I'd probably gift it now because you never know if your assets might be swallowed up in the future by your needing to have to go into a care home.

My sibling was given a lump sum in order to buy a house they otherwise couldn't afford. Sibling is very fiscally irresponsible. It was never discussed with me, but it was mentioned that this gift would be taken into account later. 20 years later parents died, not having changed their will and no account taken of this large lump sum. Yes, I probably could have said something, but a good long term relationship with sibling to me is more valuable. But it wasn't fair and while I don't think of it at all, your thread reminded me and brought up some resentment.

In your case, your parents can't give you equal amounts. They must at the minimum, protect their share of the house otherwise it's easy pickings. They have to think of a way to make this fair though.

I think if you're going to do this, it's only fair to give DC1 the same amount at the same time. Like others said, there's no guarantee you'll be able to give the same in your will.

People need to at least read the Ops posts.

If I was having a perfectly nice life, had invested my money wisely and my sibling had been a responsible person who has been affected by luck/circumstance rather than their own decisions. I would be very happy if my parents could level the ground between us.

You will get your part after they die, but even if they don’t, be clear that whether they spend their money helping your sibling or in a week in Las Vegas, it is their money, not yours.

Dh is the eldest of three siblings. All three are now in their 50's and are married with children and all three are in full time employment although they have different earning potential. The parents are well off and have helped all their children at various points and for differing amounts of money (reasonably substantial). No one knows the actual sums that the others have received but it has always been on the clear understanding that these amounts come off the 'balance sheet'. I can honestly say that it has never caused any friction or falling out.

Betty52

I can understand your hurt about this, I would be in your circumstances.

My situation was different as DB had a young family and his firm shut down his site and made staff redundant so my DP were absolutely right to step in.

There is a big difference between parents helping in a crisis and parents stepping in to rescue a child from poor choices.

I think there is a danger this will fester, especially if the burden of looking after your parents falls on you. I would struggle really hard not to say something.

I’m DC1. I worked hard at school to get qualifications and slowly worked towards a fairly decent wage. Ditto DH.

My DB barely went to school as he hated it and mum enabled this because she’d done the same. He was unemployed for long periods and lived with my parents for free until he was 32. He then got a girl pregnant on their first date and a year later another ‘whoops’ they have a terraced 3 bed in a v rough area which has been done up (free)!by my parents - as in new kitchen, bathroom and flooring. It feels a little like you get penalised for success. I know their will is heavily weighted in his favour, particularly as they refuse to discuss it with me. They’ve made his partner the executor as well, so will be interesting!

Don’t do it, or give them 50k each.

Dreading the outcome of my DM's will. Not the same circumstances but somewhat similar in having to even up wills.

DB spent entire life living of the goodwill (money and housing) from parents. A large asset was sold and same DB wanted to have some inheritance up front in order to buy a house. This asset however was sold to pay for care home fees, so the answer was no. DB went NC. DM has cut him out of the will entirely, and has specifically stated that this is because he has already had his fair share as he was supported his entire life by his parents. In reality there will be nothing left anyway, as all cash is very quickly diminishing, and in fact I hope there is nothing left, because I could see a horrible fight in the future, when he finds out he has nothing to come.

I think you have to register your upset and leave it at that.

A long letter which you can give to them and read with them and your sibling laying it all out.

Fundamentally it’s not your money, but I think your parents are being very short sighted and making a bad financial decision.

Don't do it. DC2 is on the property ladder and they aren't starving, it would just be nice for them to have a bigger home. Either give both DCs equal amounts now or keep the money back in case anything happens in the future. DC2 may seem fine now, but what happens if they divorce, partner gets sick etc etc. If you have a history of treating your DCs unfairly then DC1 may be fighting demons you don't know about. For example one of my sisters is the golden child. I didn't tell my mother when I was suffering really badly with my MH, because our relationship isn't strong enough for me to want to.
I think you would be sending a very clear messege to DC1 that DC2 is the golden child.

I'm so sorry OP I missed your update. That's really shitty, I would feel the same as you

I’m also in a similar position as DC1 though my DB lives in the house gifted to both of us (no rent or benefit to me at present and we are tenants in common). I have agreed to this because I don’t need the proceeds and it benefits DB, DSIL & DN (and they wouldn’t be able to afford to buy anywhere nice). You have to be ok with it though!

Sorry to read this @Betty52

I hope that the validation on this thread will be of some comfort to you. The situation is by no means fair to you and indeed is fraught with danger to your parents.

If your parents are belatedly prepared to see a lawyer about it, they can be encouraged to do some things to mitigate the potential risks. For example, invest in life assurance written in trust so outside their estate to pay out an inflation adjusted amount to you as your share. They should also be putting aside the potential 40% inheritance tax incase they do die in the next seven years and reflecting that in your ' share '

The risk in a divorce will of course be less if DC2 does not get married, but the provision provided for the children would potentially override any ability to keep such sums ring fenced.

Oh dear, it really is not good. You might be well advised to focus on living a good life and not allowing it to impact you emotionally as well as materially. Much easier to say than do, of course, my very best wishes.

It’s shit, OP, but if your parents are anything like mine you’re ‘jealous, selfish and silly (that one is so dismissive)’ if you try to raise it. They are set in thinking this is absolutely fine, and your brother is more needy so obviously gets the help.

Ironically my mum used to come back from my school parents evening and berate next with how embarrassed she was because teachers said I wasn’t trying hard enough. There was ALWAYS an excuse for my brother. I went on to do well academically which led me into the things I’ve done. I actually think she likes him being dependent- I’m unforgiven for moving away to follow my career.

I just try to focus on not doing this to my DCs

Highly unfair. There may not be enough left in the will to equal things up. We live as a result of the choices we make, having DC and all. It isn't the parents job to try and balance it out.
SIL got a lump sum for her house deposit. DH got nothing (as he does better apparently). That's because he sat professional exams while she chose to go travelling. It's caused tears of resentment and him feeling second best. Don't do it.

Personally I would give them an equal share. If it meant that one dc could splash out on lovely holidays and luxurious and the other couldn't quite afford a house I would still do it, noone is starving after all.
Favouritism in families is horrible and I have suffered because of it and no way would I ever give to one of my dcs and not the other.
Inheritance is never guaranteed.

OP
I think you need to sit down with them and ask them to seek legal advice.
This is an enormous sum of money and it isn't remotely fair.
There's no guarantee there will be anything left by the time they die.
Or if you die before then, there's no provision for your DC

You need this cleared up now before there's any sickness/money issues to complicate things.

On a personal level I don't think anyone 'needs' 120k for a house - a smaller gift and larger mortgage would have been more sensible - your brother seems pretty grabby and I doubt he's at all interested in fairness between you so you need to be up front with your parents.

My parents offered me a small gift for a house. My first question was 'but what about Dsis?' Things should be openly discussed and transparent

Yes, I thought you were DC1 in this scenario.

It's not fair, and could be deprivation of assets if any care is needed in the short term. You just never know what is going to happen.

Suggest they buy a house nearer to them and see what happens!

I also get the sense that you are not keen on DC2, I thought you were DC1 because I got the impression that you don't agree with some of their life choices (absolutely fair enough).

I still think your parents ABU and I would tell them otherwise it will fester for you. You need to be straight with them.

My advice is to have the awkward conversion now. Get it all out in the open. My DH never questioned his parents decision and now that FIL is dead he really regrets not brining it up.

MIL now likes to make out that the original decision to buy BIL a house was nothing to do with her and she argued against it. This is total bollox as she had FIL wrapped around her little finger.

BIL does nothing for his mother so it all falls to my DH who works away Mon-Fri . We still have school aged children to support too. This causes problems between us as I am resentful that our weekends are spent helping MIL.

You should suggest to your parents they might want to consider moving closer to your brother as you will be too busy working right up to retirement and will have no time or energy to look after them in their dotage.

Op, I agree with others that you need to let your dp know how you feel. I would say you need to do it sooner rather than later for them to be able to reconsider before offers on a house are made as it will be much worse the further they are. Yanbu to feel this way as you work hard to get what you have and will need to pay back a mortgage until retirement.

Whilst I understand that you don’t want to deprive your dn of what your own dc have (garden, nice area etc), ultimately it is not your responsibility to provide them with that.

It’s definitely an uncomfortable discussion to have. If you don’t feel comfortable doing it, maybe you could write it in a letter?

Whilst our dp money of course doesn’t belong to us, if they do decide to gift it, then it should be done equally and fairly. I would say you need to make your feelings known as it will be your dc who will lose out in the long run whilst your dn will benefit. Your dp may also be under the impression that you have more than you actually do.

It’s interesting how, in most of the cases where one child has been favoured over another, it is usually the son. Rarely do you hear the daughter being favoured when there is one son and one daughter!

Op, I feel your pain as similar happened to me. My feckless never-worked DB blackmailed my mum (she was told she’d never see him or his DC again if he didn’t get the money) to give him a lump sum as deposit to buy their house (his wife could get the mortgage, not via traditional ways).

I was not told of the deposit – so at least you are better off then me! Relatives knew of the money (though not how much) but were ordered to keep schtum. They have since told me they felt awful for me but didn’t know what to do.

Mum eventually blurted it out when ill (as I was managing her finances short term and had tackled her about monthly payments that she obviously sent to him). Her only response was “You never asked for anything…”

It was very hurtful, I always felt he was favoured and it just seem to prove it - plus the secrecy made things worse. I went NC for a while, but she was just diagnosed with a terminal illness and I couldn’t stay NC in her last months, for my own peace.

She did square things up at that point, knowing that she wouldn’t need long term care and was below IHT limit. However, the money felt tainted..…I would rather she changed her will to even things up but she refused.

I have since found out (from above relatives), that my DB wrote to her, ordering her to change her will and leave it all to him, when he was fuming at her for blurting their secret out. She didn’t, but until the minute that we actually sat with solicitor after her funeral, I expected him to pull a new will out of his pocket. He was (still is!) that deceitful.

I have made my peace with what happened, and most of the tainted money has been passed to my Young Adult DC, but am more or less NC with DB, and will never ever treat my own children in the same manner.

As someone else said, maybe writing a letter to them would help them understand how hurt you feel.

Also, please do not feel under any obligation to do the bulk of their care in future. Whilst I couldn’t go NC in her final year, I only did what was necessary, and made sure DB did his fair share too.

My MILs family it was the son who was favoured. But the next generation it's the daughter who is most definitely favoured.

This is somewhat like the old traditions of handing the family farm over to the eldest male child.

Is it fair ? No
Does it happen ? Yes

My DB has got the farm and my grandmothers house gifted to him, he lived at home for 30 odd years rent free...

My sister will get the family home when my parents pass.

I don't get anything... am I bitter? No I really couldn't care either way. and if I did I don't think it would be worth falling out with my siblings.

My DH his brother has got the farm as well.... DH & Siblings got nothing at all.

Just the way it is sometimes.

So because Child 1 has worked hard and his partner has worked hard etc and they have a nice house they wont get any money but because child 2 hasn't made the same decisions and lives in a flat and has 2 kids that they cant afford they get 100k?? If this was me and mu sister and she was getting bailed out then i would be seriously annoyed! Give them both 50k - Child 2 can get a better house and child 1 can take a bit of pressure off themselves with a massive mortgage??