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AIBU?

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Original poster

Large financial gift to one adult child

420 replies

Betty52 · 03/02/2020 22:05

Is it unreasonable to make a significant financial gift to one (adult) child but not the other in these circumstances?

Two parents (DPs), in their late 60s, have two adult children (DC1 and DC2) in their late 30s/early 40s. Both DCs are married/long term partner and each have two of their own children. DC1s household income is roughly 3 times that of DC2s. DC1 has a decent family home in a pleasant area of an expensive part of the country. They’re in the process of doing major building work and have re-mortgaged to retirement for that but they’ve built up a lot of equity because of the location and work they’ve done. Their children are pre-teen and settled in school so they have no reason to move. DC2 has a 2-bed flat in an OK area in a cheap part of the country. There is very little equity due to prices not rising much in this part of the country and having had to buy a previous partner out of the flat. They hadn't intended to have children but changed their minds and now have two pre-schoolers in a flat that’s too small. They would like to move to have more bedrooms/a garden/near better schools but can’t afford it without help.

So would it be unreasonable to gift DC2 and partner the c£100-120K needed to buy a family home in a nicer part of town? This would be an ‘advance on inheritance’ so DC1 would get the same amount in DPs will (with the remainder split equally). DPs both in good health (and still have two of their own parents) so want to enjoy life now and be able to plan for what might be quite a long future. For this reason, DPs can’t afford to give both DCs this amount now and giving half to each wouldn’t give DC2 enough to move to the house/area that they want.

So is it unreasonable to give DC2 that large gift now and make it up to DC1 in the will? (YABU = it is unreasonable, YANBU = it is not unreasonable)

OP posts:
lalafafa · 05/02/2020 00:16

My youngest sister has had thousands off my parents over the years, parents said they’d make a note of it and would be taken out of her share of their estate when they died. Of course this hasn’t been done as they’ve both died now. She needed it more than me and my brother though.

MrsEricBana · 05/02/2020 00:20

But if more meat/money etc was given because circumstances were unequal then that seems ok to me. I always give one of my DC more meat because he needs more. It is not because I love him more.

wafflyversatile · 05/02/2020 00:24

That's a lot of money. I think it would be fair to talk to dc1 first and possibly give equal amounts if they are not happy. 60k should be enough to get an extra bedroom in the area dc2 has lived in up until now. If they didnt give any money that's where dc2 would be any way.

wafflyversatile · 05/02/2020 00:25

That said it's unfair to say that one dc doesn't work as hard because they earn less.

Cohle · 05/02/2020 00:37

I know it would be difficult OP, but I think you should raise some of your concerns with your parents now.

The resentment you feel now will likely fester and only get worse with time, especially if you are expected to pick up a lot of the slack with caring responsibilities down the line. Better to clear the air now and get some these issues out in the open.

You write very well. Could you write them a letter?

S0upertrooper · 05/02/2020 01:33

A similar situation arose in our family but sibling 2 wanted equity released from the parent's family home in order to purchase a property following divorce.

It was decided not to go ahead because if the parents had needed care and the property was used to fund this sibling 1 would not inherit what sibling 1 already received. Also if parents decided to move house there would be no equity to do this and parents would have been paying a 'mortgage' to fund sibling 1's equity release.

I think it's tricky but it causes problems when siblings are treated unequally and you just never know what will happen in the future

The4thSandersonSister · 05/02/2020 05:50

I think your being told was just formality, and what's done is done. I'd feel no obligations to do anything above and beyond what suites you and your family when it comes to your parent and your brother. No additional obligations of time or busywork. Certainly no lions-share of any future elder-care.

Try and put the issue behind you (no need to pretend it didn't exist or that your fine with it), and simply view your expectations of your parents with a grain of salt.

Goatinthegarden · 05/02/2020 06:51

My PIL have done this for DH’s sister. We’re more comfortable and don’t need it. Arguably, they don’t ‘need’ it either. Her partner has a good job (but spends on his hobbies relentlessly) and she has chosen to barely work for years and is now a SAHM to one child. They have a nice home in London, they want a bigger one. We have a bigger house, but live in a cheaper part of the country.

We don’t care that we are not seeing any of the money, but I do think DH feels a little pushed aside as SIL gets lots of attention and support because she ‘needs help’ in just about every area of her life and we are ‘doing well’. This money just seems to be another indicator of that.

Goatinthegarden · 05/02/2020 06:53

Having said that, I’m hoping all the attention on her for all these years means she’ll take on the care of PIL, because I can already tell they are going to be really hard work in their old age.....

Twisique · 05/02/2020 07:11

I would give them both equal amounts to make their lives easier and pay off some of their mortgages.

Motorina · 05/02/2020 08:08

I’m so sorry. They’ve done a shitty thing, and then made it worse by not telling you til the carpets and curtains stage.

I suspect you’re right that it’s a done deal. I’m sorry - why are parents so bloody stupid?

HelgaHere1 · 05/02/2020 09:55

If you'd said it was 10,000 the responses would have been similar I think, but 100,000 is life changing. It's odd they can give this huge amount to one DC but nothing to the other. I hope they have their finances sorted for the rest of their life. I doubt they will be fair in their will if they can do this without guilt.

Ihavenoidewhatsgoingon · 05/02/2020 10:16

Can you send your DP a link to this thread?

It will most probably not change their minds but let them see how others view their actions

Blackbear19 · 05/02/2020 11:19

Helga I think people would be marginally more understanding of £10k for a car or wedding on the understanding that other siblings would get same help as needed.

But £120k is life changing

ClaudiaNaughton · 05/02/2020 11:20

I think there would be huge ructions if you said anything at this stage but perhaps take comfort that they have been open and let you know.

cologne4711 · 05/02/2020 11:31

I usually tend to take a different view to the respected wisdom on these threads, as I think it is fair to help one child who is say renting a flat in a grotty location if the other child is living in a £500K house in a nice location. I still remember my mum's neighbour being kicked out of his parents' house by his much richer siblings, even though he'd done all of their care. But even if he hadn't he was a bus driver, didn't earn well, and they had houses with several acres in the countryside. Fair does not always mean equal.

However, it is silly to give money without ensuring that it is ringfenced for your child and grandchildren. I would want to do as much as possible to ensure that my in-law couldn't get the money. You can't guarantee it because you could write it in trust for/leave it to your grandchildren and they could promptly give it to their mother, but you can at least try.

oliviabenson2 · 05/02/2020 11:42

My husband is DC 1 in this scenario. He was informed that this was his parents decision to pay off the mortgage of his sister.l for no specific reason but she left school without qualifications and was not interested in a career. It has caused huge resentment and she and her husband now work part time and have a sense of hideous entitlement and still whine about money. It has underlined all my husband’s misgivings about how his parents feel about him. We similarly have gone through difficulties but with no bailout and we both have to work full time. DHs parents have admitted to me that it has been a mistake as their daughter appears to have lost her ‘drive and motivation’

stayathomer · 05/02/2020 11:46

We were talking about something like this the other day. Everyone saying the other should just be happy etc, but why should they?At some stage surely you've got to get bitter with everyone saying 'poor x' while insinuating you never need help.

ChicCroissant · 05/02/2020 11:48

One of my siblings is much wealthier than the rest of us, I would be mortified if she got less money than me - we've made different choices in life and I can tell you she's worked extremely hard for every single penny!

Handsnotwands · 05/02/2020 14:45

How much younger is your DB? i am 8 years younger than my sister. she bought a house when they were around £80k by the time i was of an age to be buying a house i was stuck in a cycle of spending a massive part of my income on rent and never being able to save because of that and the type of basic terrace she'd bought was now £200k.

I was helped with part of a deposit to buy a house, she knows and is fine with it.

She also has a fabulous job and life because she has a remarkable talent she has been able to make a career out of. i've always worked hard but have never earned much, my job is vocational.

It is also the OPs decision to do work on their house necessitating extending the mortgage up to retirement

it's possible the DB may never be able to afford to retire, if he's not built up a pension, his children are younger so will need supporting further into his middle age

There are nuances to every situation and so i disagree with equality in everything. Fairness yes, equality not always

wildcherries · 05/02/2020 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MGC31 · 05/02/2020 16:09

I am the DC2 in this scenario to a degree.

I earn more than my sibling but have bought a house while they rent. Parents have just gifted me the finances to pay off my help to buy loan to avoid having to pay the interest for years.

They did discuss with sibling who was fine with it. Parents also regularly help sibling financially as they earn much less. We are quite open and relaxed about finances in our family. Sibling doesn’t care how much parents give me and I don’t care how much sibling gets. Parents always say they would rather help us now when we need it than leave it all as inheritance. Everything will even out in the end too, although I’m happy for sibling to be left more than me as I will likely be earning much more.

leadbetter5 · 05/02/2020 16:15

I think this is a really terrible idea and has the potential to alienate DC1 from their parents, and also potentially cause lifelong damage to the relationships between the two siblings after the parents death.

Agree with this I'm afraid. I think you need to just be completely fair down the middle, at all times.

Blackbear19 · 05/02/2020 16:17

MGC1 I think the difference is your parents are helping you both out.

The Ops parents seem to be giving a massive hand out to one child while the other is left to their own devices.

NearlyGranny · 05/02/2020 16:20

As long as both DC are aware of the details of the arrangement. Not asked for their approval, note, but informed. The parents get to do whatever they please, but for family goodwill, fairness is important. In this case, one adult child really needs it now and the other can wait. It all comes out in the wash.