Large financial gift to one adult child

[Betty52]

Is it unreasonable to make a significant financial gift to one (adult) child but not the other in these circumstances?

Two parents (DPs), in their late 60s, have two adult children (DC1 and DC2) in their late 30s/early 40s. Both DCs are married/long term partner and each have two of their own children. DC1s household income is roughly 3 times that of DC2s. DC1 has a decent family home in a pleasant area of an expensive part of the country. They’re in the process of doing major building work and have re-mortgaged to retirement for that but they’ve built up a lot of equity because of the location and work they’ve done. Their children are pre-teen and settled in school so they have no reason to move. DC2 has a 2-bed flat in an OK area in a cheap part of the country. There is very little equity due to prices not rising much in this part of the country and having had to buy a previous partner out of the flat. They hadn't intended to have children but changed their minds and now have two pre-schoolers in a flat that’s too small. They would like to move to have more bedrooms/a garden/near better schools but can’t afford it without help.

So would it be unreasonable to gift DC2 and partner the c£100-120K needed to buy a family home in a nicer part of town? This would be an ‘advance on inheritance’ so DC1 would get the same amount in DPs will (with the remainder split equally). DPs both in good health (and still have two of their own parents) so want to enjoy life now and be able to plan for what might be quite a long future. For this reason, DPs can’t afford to give both DCs this amount now and giving half to each wouldn’t give DC2 enough to move to the house/area that they want.

So is it unreasonable to give DC2 that large gift now and make it up to DC1 in the will? (YABU = it is unreasonable, YANBU = it is not unreasonable)

Aridane that would be fair enough. The only thing that isn't is favouring one child over the other with a life changing sum of money.

blackbear yes that can be right too.

Haven't RTFT due to lack of time but this is a similar problem as I have where DD1 is married, 2 kids, nice home etc and DD2 is in her 30s, single, no home of her own and can only afford to rent away from family and friends.

Do I downsize to a cheaper flat myself, give her money to pay deposit for her own home and balance it all up in my Will (deprivation of assets is a problem too)?
No you don't.
For many things in life, people make choices and with that there's consequences.
Obviously there's things that are unforeseen that should be considered, but most of apparent unfairness between siblings usually comes down to siblings making different choices for example,

• DC1 goes to university and does a course that had little market value and 5 years later is still working in the shop they worked at through university and renting with friends, DC2 didn't go to university, got an apprenticeship and is self employed living a comfortable but not lavish life and owns a 3 bed semi. It's not unfair that DC2 has their lifestyle and if would be unreasonable for a parent to decide to favour DC1 when DC1's situation is a result of their choices.

• DC1 was a keen artist (music / drama / comedy / painter etc) and chose to spend time working in the gig economy in London. DC2 had similar interests but chose to get a standard 9-5 job in a different city and enjoy their artist hobbies as an amateur. Both are single. There's no reason why DC1 should get a hand out because they're in a flatshare when DC2 owns their own flat.
• DC1 has 1 child with their spouse and would love another but with their current property and the cost of childcare it would limit what DC1 could offer them. DC2 has 2 children and things are tight and decides to add a third child. Their parents had made it clear they were happy to help but didn't want to spend their retirement providing childcare for grandchildren. Parents shouldn't be giving handouts to DC2 or providing free childcare because things are tight when DC2 chose to have a third child.

All too often it's the sensible children who lose out when parents decide it's only fair to level our finances between two children who made different life choices.

I would do so if dc 1 agreed.

Thanks everyone for the replies. I tried to write the OP to be as neutral as possible and not to say who I am so that I could hear different views.
Actually I am DC1 and I am struggling with how I feel about the situation (all the facts, numbers etc are right). Just before Christmas my parents told me that this was their plan. It was very much them wanting to tell me that they were doing it rather than to ask me my view on whether they should. They’d already picked out probable houses with my brother (DC2) so they told me by showing me the houses on Rightmove that they were looking at and showing the school websites etc. They were quite breezy about there being a family understanding that I’d get the same amount from their estate. I told them I thought they needed careful legal advice about how they did it and I wanted their intentions to be very clear (on how amounts are calculated, what happens if I die first etc) and in the will because the last thing I’d want would be to have a huge falling out with my brother over half remembered conversations when we were both in grief. They were pretty taken aback at the idea of legal advice and haven't mentioned it since. I've no idea whether they have had any and I really don't feel comfortable asking.

The children will still receive the same amount so if dc 1 agreed, what's the problem?

I would probably try to give dc a token at that time if they agreed so they could do something enjoyable.

It would all be even in the end.

It's unfair to both children in fact - dc1 feels rejected, less loved and resentful but guilty for those feelings ...

Dc2 is permanently obligated to be grateful and knows they only have what they have due to an absolutely massive handout, and knows their sibling knows

Or worse it's a secret which comes out years later...

Parent probably unconsciously expects open ended small signals of gratitude and obligation from dc2...

All relationships change for the worse, though guilt and obligation might made dc2 appear to become closer to parents and a codependent relationship develops or more probably a pre-existing codependent relationship deepens and becomes chronic...

flirtygirl it's highly unlikely to be equal in the end (so many reasons not to expect the inheritance never to be received) - have you read the thread?

Betty52 sorry

Oh Betty Your last post makes it pretty clear that your place in your family has just been upturned!

You should be able to talk to your parents and DB! Feeling as you do is a clear sign of the issues many posters have written.

My best advice now is to do as I had to... forget it! Distance yourself from the whole saga and write it off as one of 'those things' that life throws at you. If you can persuade yourself not to give a fuck you will be able to drop the angst that goes with the sudden realisation that your place in your family is not quite what you thought it was!

It hurts. But you can choose to let that go! Just try and do it a bit quicker than I did... cos, this side of it all, I can't believe I wasted so many years being hurt by my parents and their very deliberate actions!

I would do so if dc 1 agreed

How could you be certain beyond all reasonable doubt that DC1 is really ok with it?

Yes mum that's fine to give a shed load of money to DC2 while I work my arse of trying to pay off a mortgage to keep a roof over my kids heads

Betty we cross posted. Sorry.

Yes conversations and proper legal advice needs to happen.

Sorry your family are ok with doing this to you.

All children should be treated equally

It really it shit for dc1- so am assuming you are dc2 or the DP with dc2 as favourite? As per pp what could dc1- say if question was posed at them? Would the dp say to dc2... 'well l wanted to give you money but your sibling didn't want you to have it'?......

Thanks everyone.

I feel really torn about it. On the one hand I can see that it will be a much nicer life for my nephews and much closer to the life my DCs have (own bedrooms, garden, nice school down the road etc) so I can completely see why my DPs want to do it and how much difference it will make for the nephews. Also, I’ve never considered inheritance/gifts etc in planning my finances – obviously it’s theirs to enjoy and I want them to do that, plus as everyone has said they may very well need a lot of expensive care in the future. On the other hand, they don’t acknowledge that it just isn’t anywhere close to an equal situation. They seem to think that saying it’ll all even out when they die makes it fair, without taking into account that there’s a strong likelihood that nothing will be left or that getting a huge gift when your children are young is completely different from getting the same amount when you are retired (hopefully) yourself. Also, all the issues with inflation etc don’t seem to have occurred to them. Plus my brother won’t accept any kind of trust deed to protect the money if he splits from his partner so effectively they’ve given her a huge gift instead of me.

The real problem is that it’s brought out loads of emotions from childhood that I didn’t really know were there. The difference in financial position is essentially because I’ve always worked hard and he had a long period pursuing hobbies and not ‘believing in capitalism’. There were a few minor family things over Christmas that wouldn’t be that upsetting in themselves but in the context of this become really hurtful. I don’t feel I can talk to them about it because it’ll cause huge upset and I can hardly seem to be wanting to take away the garden my 3-year-old nephew is excited about. I also don’t want my DPs to feel they have to scrape together some money to give to me now. So I can’t really see any option but to just shut up and try to get over it. I live much closer to my parents so I can see that I’ll end up doing a lot more if they get frailer and a lot of emotion coming out again.

In light of your post I'm so sorry for your situation and stand by what I said when I thought you were the parent. Your parents are enabling one child for making choices they can't afford at the expense of DC1 (you).

It's understandable that you feel like your place in the family has been changed. If your parents genuinely intend to make things fair then they'd have no issue legally drawing it up and placing money in trusts in your name etc for when the time comes. Anything else is favouring your brother and hoping when the time comes you'll not say anything.

Well it's already been said, time and time again but I'll just add my own voice to it.

I'd be DC1 in your situation, and whilst my parents have never done anything as unfair as what you're proposing, I've seen over the years my sister get continuous financial propping up and she is still dependent on my parents in many ways - not just financially. They also give up a lot of their time to help her with doing things that I've been expected to deal with alone.

And it does create some resentment. Not so much for me that it's a big problem, and we still have a good relationship, but I find it frustrating and I also don't think it does my sister any favours, as she's never had to stand on her own two feet.

Effectively this type of relationship penalises the sibling who has worked harder, made responsible choices, and made sacrifices in order to better their circumstances.

Oh Betty am sorry! Absolutely it's massively unfair to you!!

Where does Redsky live that you can buy a house for £50K??!

50K on top of the equity of their current house on top of a mortgage ...

You can't buy a house anywhere for the 100K gift that was planned either so presumably these are a given?

Oh sorry @Betty52 I posted before I saw your updates.

I'm really sorry for you. I do understand how you feel because I have a similar dynamic with my sister although (as yet) nothing as major as this has happened.

I do think you should feel able to talk to your parents about it, but I understand how difficult it is - it's very hard without coming across as jealous or bitter, or not wanting your sibling to have a better life.

I'd feel incredibly hurt if this happened to me and it would absolutely affect the relationships with my family.

don’t feel I can talk to them about it because it’ll cause huge upset and I can hardly seem to be wanting to take away the garden my 3-year-old nephew is excited about. Yep! That's it. YOU are now responsible for the happiness of your whole family. You simply MUST shut up and put up! And that will be part of those childhood experiences you are now mulling over again!

I live much closer to my parents so I can see that I’ll end up doing a lot more if they get frailer and a lot of emotion coming out again. That was what mine expected of me too! They don't seem to have realised that my utter reluctance to do any such thing was born out of their treatment of me. More sadly for them, DSis, who was the recipient of their largesse (and then the backlash) feels the same as I do. She became aware of what was happening about 5 years ago (we had been divided to be conquered) and has been extremely angry ever since. She has yet to reach the "Ah, well, fuck 'em" space I have been in for a few decades. She will get there. So will you!

I have walked away. My parents cannot rely on me at all. DF is frail, getting worse, his DSis is dying by inches (MN) and I am supposed to feel / do something. Not having seen her for 30+ years I don't have any connection. Not having been considered by him for a similar length of time, I can't get emotional about his health either! Sounds hard, and I do wobble, but I can't get involved, I just won't!

When one child is comfortable off due to sacrifices made, dedication to studies, always working to grab promotions or applying strategically for new opportunities, have to start over to make a good impression and adjust to new culture etc...whilst the other has taken a lazier approach to life, it does hurt deep that the lazy sibling is the one being rewarded.

Personally, Id try to explain this to my parents, saying that it's not the money and that indeed, you want a good life for your nephew but that by this gesture, they are also undermining all your work to get there without the need to rely on them.

Why isn't your brother moving closer to your parents then? In a similar situation which is probably why l was so shirty above, my parents also seem to think that I'll pick up the mantle for their care despite their absolute favouritism towards golden child and l'm just being ridiculous for noticing anything and the usual 'you don't give to receive'....

I would never do this to my children.

I'm so sorry Betty. What they are doing to you is shit, very selfish of your brother and your parents are being completely unfair to you.

Something similar happened to me several times but nowhere near on this scale.

Don't let it fester. Tell them now how unfair you think it is, and don't just try to get over it because you're worried about causing upset. They are the ones causing upset and you shouldn't have to just put up and shut up.

And you wouldn't be taking away your nephews garden. They can get a house with a garden for less than 300k ffs!