to think we need roadwork noises piped into female toilets

[SlightlyJaded]

I know we are supposed to be 'woke' and not give a shit (yes yes) about the fact that we are humans who need to poo and wee sometimes, but honestly.... I am not able to freestyle in the loo at work and never will be.

I try, at all costs, to avoid poo-ing anywhere but home, but even find myself gripping and releasing my wee in small incidental drops in order to avoid making a waterfall of wee sound at work.

And the whole - oh someone just came in - I'll flush now so they don't think I have been in here forever quietly doing a poo even though I've been doing a wee and it's actually legal to do a poo....

And the absolute inability to release any wind even though i would be much more comfortable and holding it in means that I have to wee in even smaller increments than if I didn't need to.

And I know I am not alone because whenever I go to the loo at work and other stalls are occupied, everyone is pretty much silent in their business.

I would welcome a loud soundtrack of road excavations and running water being constantly played via individual sonos speaker in each loo, thus freeing everyone to wee and fart and do whatever they needed to do without having to then avoid making eye contact whilst doing over-vigourous hand washing as though you are going into surgery so that your colleague knows that your hygiene is tip-top.

completely agree op

well, if the queen has soundproof toilets, why don't we all

There is a bonus with working in a so-called male environment, you get pretty much exclusive access of your own female toilets! I am firmly fighting against gender-neutral loos.

My colleegue who travelled to Japan earlier this year tells me that while you are doing your business, the toilets there swish water around to mask any such noises.
As someone with IBS-D, I feel your pain only too accutely

I must say I’m self conscious with a poo

I wait until someone flushes the toilet or uses the hand dryer to quickly push it out

Omg I love working at home! Use a mooncup today v heavy so glad not in an office

YES! I would welcome this into our home too. Should we start some kind of a crowdfunder?

I get you OP

I can’t poop anywhere but home, which can be annoyingly inconvenient and it can take me an age to pee in a public loo, I’m always grateful when someone runs the tap (saves me from having to picture gushing waterfalls or babbling brooks) my pee just gets stage fright

@PonderTweek I would absolutely start a crowd funder for this. 'Cash for Splash' and we could get a lovely recording of pneumatic drills and Niagara Falls created for global distribution.

@Lillygolightly Yes.... but you can't rely on a running tap which can be switched off at any point. Literally the nano second before the telling 'splosh'.

YANBU. There is something v personal about having a poo ! It's something that should be done in private. I neither want to hear or smell other people emitting waste from their bodies

I do have to oddly admire people who literally don't give a shit and will happily poo while you are stood outside washing your hands, some are even happy to chat while they go. The HORROR

You definitely aren't alone, OP.

I had an upset stomach the other day and had no choice but to go. It was ridiculous how embarrassed I was about the sounds. Usually even for a wee I wait until someone else flushes or turns the dryer on.

I can relate to every word of that OP. I hate it when you go into the toilets at work, every other cubicle is occupied, but no-one is making any noise so I guess they're all trying to out-wait each other, hoping someone will flush or leave the loos so they can go in peace. I'm always relieved when the 'disabled/gender neutral' toilet is free as that is a small room on its own and you can fart and poop as much as you want .

But WHY FFS?

I just don't get why so many women (and it is always women) have such a hang up over normal bodily functions.

YABU for using the word 'woke' when you don't know what it means.

Oh, stop being so weak.

@Hopeyousteponalego

Yes, this is what I assume is going on when all the cubicles are occupied but silent. Everyone is waiting it out, hoping to hear flushing/handwashing/handdrying and then, oh joy, the door opening and closing.

But wait. When that last person left, what if someone else came in?

And also, were there two or three cubicles taken? I've heard two flushes and washes but am not sure if I am alone or there are two of us...

BRING ON THE SOUND RECORDING

The things I hate most about the work toilets are people go in there to chat on their mobiles, so you defo can't 'go' or flush until they've buggered off.
Even worse is that I've had people say 'hi, (name) and start chatting with me from inside the cubicle. Apparently she knows everyone's walk as they come across the tiled floor .

@sunshineand I used 'woke' to mean 'suddenly alert to the fact that we are women who have bodily functions and we should have no shame in that'. I know 'woke' is usually used to denote someone who has sudden perceived awareness of social and racial injustice, but I think we all understood that I was taking it slightly away from it's original context, to express myself...

Honestly LIGHTHEARTED post, clearly. Chill.

I still miss some old office loos that had completely solid, floor to ceiling thick wooden doors and cubicle walls. They were more or less entirely soundproof. They also had these lovely soft lights.

More than once most days I'd go in there just for a sit down in dead silence.

I thought it was just me
I line the pan with paper to 'muffle' the sound.

I was in the loo in work last week and like everyone here I checked out the other doors before I went in and thought I was on my own so I continued to fart and shit to my hearts content only to come out and realise that the other door was also locked. Oh the mort !!

The only saving grace was that I got out before them, as they were obviously waiting on me to finish, so I wasn't identified.

Agreed, sometimes I’ll run the hand dryer a couple of time’s just to help others out.

Well, I have IBS D, when it happens it happens, I would love to be able to keep it in and poo in the confines of my own home but as it stands, I don't give a shit. I'm just glad to have a toilet nearby!

move to Japan, i believe their toilets have such features, but then if you press the sound effects button everyone knows what you're doing anyway!